Welcome to Part Two of a new original holiday classic that everyone will be talking about … down at the hobo encampment near the railroad tracks.
“Baxter the Snowman and Three Dance Around the Truth Sugarplum Fairies.”
It’s written by a new—but brilliant up and coming author—who bears a striking resemblance to some character with a red nose.
Part One of our story introduced us to, Baxter, the partially melted snowman who is living (if you can call it that) on the outskirts of the Egyptian Desert.
One Christmas Eve he encounters three Sugarplum Fairies who are anything but sugar and spice and everything nice.
They ask Baxter to help them in funding their quest to find “The Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” and in return they promise him a portion of the fabled snowball to replace his current languidly melting lower torso.
As you may recall, the Sacred Snowball is supposedly made of Folgers Instant Crystals, “They’re magically delicious and melt in your coffee… NOT IN YOUR SAND.”
We pick up our story with the ANIMATED, Tim Burton, now narrating.
P.S.—he can’t sing a lick so no holiday songs here.
Take it away, Tim!
Huh? Oh, yeah, right. Let me see… where were you now? Oh yeah.
So without further adieu, I present to you … one Dickens of a Christmas Story.
When we left off, Baxter (now a slowly liquefying snowman), was telling three odious Sugarplum Fairies that he barely remembers the fable of the sacred snowball of Azhar Malik, but that his mother sometimes would read to him about it as he drifted off to sleep—back when he was but a small snowflake in his mothers eye.
Baxter, is unaware that the mischievous trio of fairies are actually rejects from Fairies Local 79—fired for dancing poorly without a license.
They’ve been traveling the desert using the fable of the “Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” as part of a nefarious ponzi scheme that they hatched up to defraud people (and snowmen) of all their worldly goods.
Except for items made in China—for which they have an aversion.
In fact, the local nomad news recently reported that a Mongolian camel dealer by the name of, Herman T. Zidlemeyer, had recently ran into the three crafty old fairies while he was crossing the desert on a horse with no name.
He said the three claimed an uber driver left them stranded out there with only a snowballs chance in hell of escaping the desert heat.
They also claimed they were in posession of the Famed Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik (a ball of styrofoam made up to look like a snowball), and were willing to swap it with Zidlemeyer for his horse—who shall remain nameless.
Zidlemeyer barely crawled back home to his wife who, recognizing the fabled snowball’s value—that of being totally worthless except for when being used as a MacGuffin in a Christmas fable—told her husband to put it out on the porch of their yurt—or tent.
There, overnight, it melted and eventually became a great puddle in the middle of the Oasis.
Better known as “The Oasis of Balderdash.”
Zedlemeyer thought himself lucky—the bad deal could have cost him his yurt.
Anyway, Baxter, suffered from brain freezes (a condition not uncommon to snowmen), and couldn’t remember if he’d seen the nomad news report concerning the Zedlemeyer incident or not.
So, wanting to help the (LITTLE WINGED HARPIES) fairies, Baxter slipped over to an ATM at the “First Dust and Loan of Jeruselum” and fortunately, not having to deal with a frozen account, was able to withdraw every single penny (married ones too) from his savings—leaving only nickles, dimes, and quarters to his name…
And fifty thousand shares of Frigidaire stock—which at the time, were going for about $900.00 a share.
The three (wicked) little fairies were unable to contain their joy at having pulled off a fast one on a (poor but living comfortably) handicapped snowman. So much so, that they made a fateful mistake.
They began break-dancing—something no licensed Sugarplum Fairy would ever be caught DEAD doing.
ALIVE, perhaps? But DEAD? No.
Baxter, not known for his dancing skills—what snowman is, after all, they don’t have legs, unless perhaps, they’re named Frosty—tried to join in and dance with the larcenous trio.
That’s when Santa Claus came flying in—DOING 95 IN A 35 MILE PER HOUR ZONE!
Naturally, the cops, who were hot on his tail, swooped right in and arrested the whole lot of em.
Baxter, the fairies (who were trying to spin away from justice), and old lead foot himself—Santa Claus.
Baxter, was later released on his own recognizance when it became clear that he couldn’t stand the heat. Even got his corncob pipe from L.L. Bean—BECAUSE SANTA DELIVERS.
Santa? Oh he got off for good behavior.
You didn’t really expect a group of elves to rat out their boss as having his name on THE NAUGHTY LIST now … did you?
And what became of the three Sugarplum Fairies? Well, they weren’t so lucky.
The three, when caught, said they had found this manger thanks to the brightest star they had ever seen guiding them directly to it.
Claimed that there was this couple (a husband and wife) wondering the desert in the middle of the night. That the young woman was pregnant and riding a donkey. Said they were looking for a hotel room to bed down in for the night.
The fairies swapped the manger for the couple’s donkey, then tried to pin this tall tale—ON THE DONKEY.
Can you believe it?
Fortunately, the cops weren’t buying it.
But you will… won’t you?
I’m glad you were able to maintain the same level of quality in part 2. (You can explain both parts to me later.)
Thank you, Scott. And yes, I’ll be happy to explain both parts, but only after my translator finds a way to explain it all to me first. 😀
I admire your ability to weave a tale so convoluted that no one understands it, but everyone enjoys it. It’s quite a gift you have there. Nice line this one: “They’re magically delicious and melt in your coffee… BUT NOT IN YOUR SAND.”
Thank you, Ally. Thank god at least one of my readers was ALMOST able to follow the story—if only for the laugh. And I’m so glad you loved that sentence because I took great pride in mixing two eatable taglines in order to arrive at one new tagline. And, it somehow still didn’t make sense but managed to get the laugh. Yay! 😀
Santa delivers? I thought that was Amazon.
LOL! They might even be one in the same—AND THAT’S AMAZON TOO! Espcially when you consider that Amazon has gotten into so many things of late. It’s just possible they may have bought up the North Pole as well.
No one would be surprised. It has central access to all those people living around the Arctic Circle. And I hear those elves work like mad and are very cheap.
Well, that’s why, years ago, I walked away from my job as an elf at the North Pole. Oh sure, Santa offered me all sorts of incentives to stay, and I almost caved in and took that promotion—as a junior elf assistant, 8th class—working the assembly line in the packing division—FILLING BAGS FOR GOD’S SAKE! But, I had to turn him down because the job was beneath me… and so were the other elves—I grew—HUGE! Even bumped my head on the door frame on the way out. But, as I told Santa “I can’t be bought”—NOT FOR LESS THAN $3.25 AN HOUR ANYWAY. I mean, I have my standards.
Standards are important!
Especially when you can sing!
I love reading the comments. It makes me feel better because no one understands.
I understand that! 😀
You definitely didn’t promise too much, Paul 😂
And as usual… I failed to deliver. 😀
LOL!!
You laugh, Erika, but I’m dying here. Why just look at what the critics—uh… my loyal readers—had to say about my masterpiece! They’re crucifying me! Take, for instance, Scott, From Snoozing on the Sofa and what he said “You can explain both parts to me later” Both parts later? I couldn’t explain both parts later—I’ve already tried… and with two entire posts! Or take this review from columnist, Ally Bean “I admire your ability to weave a tale so convoluted that no one can understand it…” How can I possibly help her to understand my masterpiece when I don’t even know the meaning of convoluted! And then there’s Kate Crimmins (I think she’s the CPO of the New York Times “Best Seller’s” department but is probably using the blog Views and Mews by Coffee Kat as a cover to protect her true identity. She says “I love reading the comments. It makes me feel better because no one understands.” And these reviews came BEFORE THEY READ THE POSTS! 😀
Haha… now this all is confusing me too😂😂but seriously, I think no one has understood the artist in you. Most of all because there is a part 3 waiting which reveals all the mysteries of the two first parts (please say Yes 🤷🏻😱)
Even as we speak, my editor is trying to edit part three—from his newly padded cell. 😀
At least he cannot get hurt when bumping his head… lol!
And to think… that I bought him a helmet too! Well, that was a waste of money.
Oh, but still very thoughtful of you!!
Not to mention expensive. It cost me a whole dollar! 😀
LOL!!
Next, I suppose Zeldemeyer will turn out to be a record producer and Baxter will release his soon to be best selling record Christmas at the Oasis of Balderdash!
Jan, you’re amazing! How’d you know Zeldemeyer was a big record producer? I thought only he and Baxter knew that secret. You sly fox you, so you’re the one who came up with the album’s title! “Christmas at the Oasis of Balderdash”—that was pure genius! 😀
Are you familiar with the term “theater of the absurd” ??? This was that. And you might just have lost your yurt, but I love the curious way your mind works, Paul. Thanks for the laughs.
Familiar with the term? Hell, I may have even have created it! But probably during an out of body experience. You’re welcome, Van. 😀
Oh my, back to your old bag of tricks I see. I’m going to try to remember this one for my nephews.
So, Jay, you say you’ve loved ruining the holidays for your nephews for uh, how long? 😀