Once Upon A Time…

the 3 girlsI was greeted by my family with uncontrollable laughter.

Why, you ask?

Because Boy-Blunder—pictured (unmasked) below— snapped this picture while I was sitting in the Batmobile—sans my secret identity.IMG_0184

Alright, that wasn’t the only reason for all the howls of  laughter. I also attempted to bribe my girls with Monopoly money (just the most valuable currency around, particularly with hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place) into writing this bio for me.

Of course, I took their laughter to mean that they’d rather I write my own pack of lies.

Alright, so be it!

I’ll begin by saying that there was a time when I had hoped to have a brush with fame.

However, eventually I came to the conclusion that any FUTURE searches for a brush with fame would likely require my having to explore hardware and antique stores—possibly with the use of a modified DeLorean capable of time travel into the future, as it might take longer than I thought.

That’s when I realized my search for a FAMOUS BRUSH (and the most ludicrous part of my bio) had come to an end.

So I sold my DeLorean to some old guy with wild looking white hair going by the name of…Doc.

That meant that I had to find a new waste of time, thus this completely absurd but remarkably silly blog.

This is likely the worst blog you’ve ever come across.

Therefore, I’m determined not to publicize it. Which might explain why you’ve never seen any annoying ads for my blog interrupting your YouTube videos, or plastered all over billboards along some freeway.

Also, the fact that I didn’t wish to spend thousands of dollars on promoting my blog that way might have had a little to do with it as well.

Now this may surprise some of you, but I’d always felt—from age five on—that one day I’d realize my dream of total anonymity by creating a blog on WordPress.

Oh sure, it’s just possible Blogger or some other platform … nah, it was always WordPress.

Originally, though, I thought about doing a personal journal. But, then lightening struck and aside from the smell of burnt flesh (and a need for some new clothes) I decided I could probably accomplish the exact same thing by doing a blog instead—WITH POSSIBLY EVEN FEWER READERS!

(It’s here I feel compelled to write the following disclaimer.)

In this blog (if you are a member of the grammar police) you will find bad grammer (hee hee), pour puntuation (ha ha), and dreadful speling. You’re welcome, grammar police.

You’ll also likely require a translator when reading any of my posts—as I’m quite the expert in writing the incomprehensible.

So feel free to bring a translator: it’ll add to my stats—say nothing of my ego.

Influences? I’ve had many … just never on anyone else. I include this fact to spare you anxiety over your reading any further—in case you’re addicted to Benzodiazepines.

The following detail might reveal more than you wish to know about me, but I’m going to risk it—just for you.

I’M A LEO!

WELL I GUESS THE CATS OUT OF THE BAG NOW so I might as well come clean and tell you the rest of the story.

I own a smart phone, a tablet, and yes…a television—complete with remote!

I’ll pause for a moment to let you recover from that last revelation.

bj bowtieYou want more? No, no I don’t mind, besides you’re bound to find out anyway ’cause I’m about to type some more.

See, one day my youngest said that the remote didn’t belong to me. Can you believe it? He then went on to say that he wanted it back or he’d call mom.

Ha, ha, ha I almost didn’t have the heart to tell him mom also happens to be my wife—not that that would carry any weight given my hopeless situation at that particular moment.

Anyway, I’d always felt possession was 99.9% of the law, that is until my wife asked me to give the remote back to him or I might not have a leg (legal or otherwise) to stand on when she got home—I always suspected that she meant that literally. Ever since I’ve discovered that my wife is usually right about 99.9% of the time.   WP_20131214_14_26_17_SmartShoot

Psst, wanna know a secret? Okay, I’ll tell you anyway.

I’ve heard it said that if you keep one finger over the delete button on your keyboard, you probably know the one I’m talking about—NO! Not that one!—that you can actually maintain peace and harmony in your house.

Mind you, I’ve never really had to put that to the test yet, because I suspect my family feels that if I ever did … POOF… we’d all be gone in a flash drive accident.

I wouldn’t bet on it though. I’d hate being responsible for my friends losing money—’cause they usually want it back!

Oh, please be advised: don’t try this delete button thing at home as results may vary. In any case, this measure should never be attempted by a wife—the delete button is only husband approved.

The preceding was a public service announcement.

Well that’s the bio. Best work of fiction, balderdash, and poppycock I’ve ever written and it reads like a bad novel don’t you think? Feel free not to answer that question. No, really!

All the same, you’re all welcomed here “In My Cluttered Attic” anytime. I’m gratified you—or anyone for that matter—had the courage to venture in this far.

OH, and I should probably mention that there’s no financial reward for the five minutes you just lost reading this rather flimsy bio.

But I want you to know your reading it, and any comments you might share below (a noble sacrifice on your part to be sure) will be duly noted in “The Attic” book of history…

Uh, when I get around to creating one that is.    😀

Paul

Advertisements

163 comments on “Once Upon A Time…

    • Thank you M.L. Just saying thank you always seems quite inadequate when getting such wonderful feedback from readers, but know it comes from the heart. The world is filled with plenty of terrible news stories on a daily basis. I prefer to be a spot where folks come to escape and rest their mind from all that madness. So it is nice to hear mine is a blog you enjoy. Thank you again, M.L. :O)

  1. Wow, Great stuff Paul! I found this hilarious, so I guess when I find myself contemplating slitting my wrists again in the future, I’ll stop by here in order to recover 🙂

    Keep up the great work!

    • Much appreciated, Rob. As you probably have guessed, it was a labor of laughs. It’s a pleasure to know, that reading my bio thwarts suicides, as opposed to being responsible for them. And I think you’ll be happy to know, I promise to work at keeping this a happy site, by not ordering anymore executions in the future—without the use of blindfolds. 😀

  2. I so enjoy your posts. They make me laugh out loud, smile to myself, and best of all think. I wish I had more time to read blogs, but when I do, I am glad to fall into yours. My son is a leo too! Great character that boy is! Never a dull moment around him. I’m sure your family feels the same way about you! 🙂 Best to you, Koko:)

  3. Pingback: Ishtar (1987) |

    • Every blogger likes to feel their blog brings a sense of enjoyment to thier reader, but it’s not until they hear that compliment that they know for sure. Thanks for the kind words they’re greatly appreciated, Michele. Oh, and thank you for the follow, too! I’ll do my best to provide belly laughs, but if I can get a smile I’ll definitely be Happy, because Doc, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey and Grumpy wouldn’t really describe my gratitude. 😀

      • What can I say, I just wish I’d stumbled upon you sooner! You’re fantastic and your posts are always fun to read. Not often I find myself having such a fit of laughter that I can barely breathe!

      • Well just be careful not to be eating anything too large when you’re reading one of my reckless posts. I mean, it’s one thing for my readers to have a drink come back through their noses, but it’s an entirely different thing to have a Swiss and Rye come back through their nostrils! Thanks, Sunken ;O)

      • Oh goodness, that sounds dangerous! Hahaha you should come with a warning! “May cause extreme bouts of laughter, which could lead to choking and or snorting of liquids or solids.”

      • I’ve been attempting to get that posted by WordPress on my site, but the sticking point seems to be… the fine print. The attorneys define fine print to mean microscopic, where you can only read it with a microscope. The only problem with that is, so few people tend to use a microscope anymore when reading on their computer monitors. Well maybe the famed Englishman Robert Hooke probably did, however the computers in the 1600’s likely didn’t use screen monitors. 😀

  4. Very fun blog! I honestly don’t know if I’m coming or going as I read your post–kind of like Alice in the Looking Glass. Delightful escape from the ordinary. (Plus the red nose is a nice touch!)

    • Thank you, Angela. I guess a little of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson must have rubbed off on me after all. Of course, that was before he looked at his pocket watch, ran away and changed his name, only to fall down a rabbit hole. Guess it doesn’t pay to be late, huh? Anyway, ever since that happened my writing hasn’t been the same. Probably why it’s so different. Seriously, though, I sincerely thank you for the wonderful compliment and in the future I promise to stay off the hard stuff—can’t do anything about the past though. ‘O)

  5. Loving this already! Just to let you know… I’m one of those critics you mentioned earlier in regards to grammar, punctuation, etc. Sorry… I can’t help it. I’ve tried, but… still no. It’s a problem, I know. I’m working on it 🙂

    • It’s okay, Moody, I understand. These days some dependancy’s are more difficult to overcome than others. I mean, you’d probably never know it by simply reading one of my posts, but I myself used to suffer from bagrammatism, but I’ve since gotten worser. However, I’m now in a five step program where my former English (and Pig Latin) teachers are hoping that it gives way to my being accepted into a 14 step program! There, I may overcome grammar altogether, or possibly commit an even more egregious grammar faux pas. 😀

      • Haha, that’s great! Is there a program for grammar freaks like me? Do not get me wrong, I make mistakes, boy oh boy, do I. And people make sure I notice them too! I guess it’s their delicate way of getting even 🙂

      • I vaguely remember a program called the ABC’s, but it’s been years and it often involved memorising a silly song for which I couldn’t quite remember the lyrics. It was like the teachers wanted me to be this linguistics major or something. Fortunately, I was never into semanatics and that’s how I’ve become the noted writer I am today. You mean, there’s still grammar nazis out there? Didn’t we win the war! 😀

  6. I believe that I’ve left a comment here last 2015 with my poetry blog account, just want to check in on you since half of my friends here on WordPress have closed their blogs 😦 I have a new travel blog now which I am nurturing, so if you have the time I would appreciate if you take a look at it 🙂 I am glad that your blog is better than ever! More power to you!

    https://sleepypandatraveler.home.blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s