Once Upon A Time…

the 3 girlsI was greeted by my family with uncontrollable laughter. That’s because the Boy-Blunder here (I’ll deal with him later), took a pictureIMG_0184 of me in my Batmobile—while I wasn’t wearing my secret identity!

Oh alright, and because I attempted to bribe all of them with Bit-coin (just the most valuable currency on the entire planet) into writing my bio.

Naturally I took their laughter to mean that they wanted me to write my own pack of lies.

So I did.

So as it stands now, a brush with fame has consistently eluded me. No doubt, this will come as quite a shock to most of you, since practically none of you have ever read this “about” page before.

My search (and we’re talking in the future here) was to include hardware and antique stores, but I was never able to acquire a modified DeLorean capable of time travel.

Well not by legal means anyway.

All the same, I have since come to the conclusion that a common household cleaning object (namely a brush) will never reach celebrity status—thus, thereby effectively ending that totally ridiculous search, and waste of time.

That meant that I had to find a new waste of time, and that’s how this blog came about.

This might possibly be the worst blog anybody has never read. Now I’d always felt—from age five on in fact—that I could one day realize my dream of total anonymity by doing a blog.

At first no one ever believed me, but I dare them to feel that way now.

Originally I thought about doing a personal journal, but I eventually came to the conclusion that a blog could quite possibly accomplish the exact same thing—and with even fewer readers!

(It’s here that I feel compelled to write the following disclaimer.)

In here you will find bad grammer (hee hee), pour puntuation (ha ha), and dreadful speling, if you want to be critical, which I’m sure you will. Of course, you will require a translator when reading my posts—because I am quite the expert on all the above.

However be forewarned; bring a translator and you will only add to my stats—say nothing of my ego.

Influences? Well I’ve had many, just never on anyone else. I include this fact to spare you any anxiety over your reading any further—so that you won’t blame me if you do.

The following detail might reveal more than you will want to know about me but, I’m willing to risk it—just for you.

I’M A LEO!

WELL I GUESS THE CATS OUT OF THE BAG NOW! I might as well come clean and tell you the rest. You should probably know that I own a smart phone, tablet, and yes…a television—complete with remote!

I’ll pause for a moment to let you recover from that last revelation.

bj bowtieYou want more? No, no I don’t mind, besides, you’re bound to find out eventually anyway. One day my youngest said, that the remote didn’t belong to me. I know, can you believe it? And then he went on to say that he wanted it back or he’d call mom—yesterday.

On the other hand—yes, I do have two—I felt possession was 99.9% of the law. That is until my wife told me to give the remote back, or I’d not have a leg (legal or otherwise) to stand on if it ever went to court (which it didn’t), because I suspect she meant that literally. Amazingly, I have since found that my wife is right 99.9% of the time. Imagine that?   WP_20131214_14_26_17_SmartShoot

Hey, bet you don’t want to know a really BIG SECRET. Okay, I’ll tell you anyway.

If you keep one finger over the delete button on your keyboard—you know the one I’m talking about—you’ll actually be able to maintain peace and harmony in your house. Of course, I’ve never really pressed that button yet, but I’m confident it’s only because my family knows that if I ever did… POOF… they’d all be gone—in a flash drive accident.

However, please don’t try this at home as results may vary. And in any case, this measure should never be attempted, except as a last resort to restore peace and harmony in your home.

The preceding was a public service announcement.

Well that’s my bio. Best work of fiction, balderdash, and poppycock I’ve ever written, and it reads like a bad novel don’t you think? Feel free not to answer that question.

Nevertheless, you’re welcomed here “In My Cluttered Attic” cough, cough. I’m gratified you—or anyone for that matter—had the courage to venture in this far, as you must have really been bored to have endured reading all the above.

And although there is no financial reward for that five minutes you’ve just lost— and will never get back—please know that your noble sacrifice will be duly noted here.

Paul

159 comments on “Once Upon A Time…

    • Thank you M.L. Just saying thank you always seems quite inadequate when getting such wonderful feedback from readers, but know it comes from the heart. The world is filled with plenty of terrible news stories on a daily basis. I prefer to be a spot where folks come to escape and rest their mind from all that madness. So it is nice to hear mine is a blog you enjoy. Thank you again, M.L. :O)

  1. Wow, Great stuff Paul! I found this hilarious, so I guess when I find myself contemplating slitting my wrists again in the future, I’ll stop by here in order to recover 🙂

    Keep up the great work!

    • Much appreciated, Rob. As you probably have guessed, it was a labor of laughs. It’s a pleasure to know, that reading my bio thwarts suicides, as opposed to being responsible for them. And I think you’ll be happy to know, I promise to work at keeping this a happy site, by not ordering anymore executions in the future—without the use of blindfolds. 😀

  2. I so enjoy your posts. They make me laugh out loud, smile to myself, and best of all think. I wish I had more time to read blogs, but when I do, I am glad to fall into yours. My son is a leo too! Great character that boy is! Never a dull moment around him. I’m sure your family feels the same way about you! 🙂 Best to you, Koko:)

  3. Pingback: Ishtar (1987) |

    • Every blogger likes to feel their blog brings a sense of enjoyment to thier reader, but it’s not until they hear that compliment that they know for sure. Thanks for the kind words they’re greatly appreciated, Michele. Oh, and thank you for the follow, too! I’ll do my best to provide belly laughs, but if I can get a smile I’ll definitely be Happy, because Doc, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey and Grumpy wouldn’t really describe my gratitude. 😀

      • What can I say, I just wish I’d stumbled upon you sooner! You’re fantastic and your posts are always fun to read. Not often I find myself having such a fit of laughter that I can barely breathe!

      • Well just be careful not to be eating anything too large when you’re reading one of my reckless posts. I mean, it’s one thing for my readers to have a drink come back through their noses, but it’s an entirely different thing to have a Swiss and Rye come back through their nostrils! Thanks, Sunken ;O)

      • Oh goodness, that sounds dangerous! Hahaha you should come with a warning! “May cause extreme bouts of laughter, which could lead to choking and or snorting of liquids or solids.”

      • I’ve been attempting to get that posted by WordPress on my site, but the sticking point seems to be… the fine print. The attorneys define fine print to mean microscopic, where you can only read it with a microscope. The only problem with that is, so few people tend to use a microscope anymore when reading on their computer monitors. Well maybe the famed Englishman Robert Hooke probably did, however the computers in the 1600’s likely didn’t use screen monitors. 😀

  4. Very fun blog! I honestly don’t know if I’m coming or going as I read your post–kind of like Alice in the Looking Glass. Delightful escape from the ordinary. (Plus the red nose is a nice touch!)

    • Thank you, Angela. I guess a little of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson must have rubbed off on me after all. Of course, that was before he looked at his pocket watch, ran away and changed his name, only to fall down a rabbit hole. Guess it doesn’t pay to be late, huh? Anyway, ever since that happened my writing hasn’t been the same. Probably why it’s so different. Seriously, though, I sincerely thank you for the wonderful compliment and in the future I promise to stay off the hard stuff—can’t do anything about the past though. ‘O)

  5. Loving this already! Just to let you know… I’m one of those critics you mentioned earlier in regards to grammar, punctuation, etc. Sorry… I can’t help it. I’ve tried, but… still no. It’s a problem, I know. I’m working on it 🙂

    • It’s okay, Moody, I understand. These days some dependancy’s are more difficult to overcome than others. I mean, you’d probably never know it by simply reading one of my posts, but I myself used to suffer from bagrammatism, but I’ve since gotten worser. However, I’m now in a five step program where my former English (and Pig Latin) teachers are hoping that it gives way to my being accepted into a 14 step program! There, I may overcome grammar altogether, or possibly commit an even more egregious grammar faux pas. 😀

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