I’m Going To Be Moving Up The Literary Ladder



Okay, so maybe I do ask for your undivided attention … while you’re asleep. And yes, you might want to erect a statue to me … for no apparent reason. And no, I will not discourage you from bowing down to me when you hear about my latest plan for moving up the literary ladder.

And why is it that I have these ridiculously high expectations from all of you?

Well, it’s because I’ve decided to become a big name writer.

Paul, you a big name writer, you ask? But, how could you ever hope to compete with the likes of Carlo Alessandro Agostino of Milwaukee, who writes about his obsession with the Wienerschnitzel down the street? Or Helga Smitzer Schulz of Rome, who writes volumes about her Italian heritage?

And how could you ever hope to be mentioned in the same breath as Melvin Elimelech Swimmell of Japan, who writes Greek mystery novels in Yiddish?

Well, actually, I can’t. After all, those are pretty big names.

Then again, I could possibly be mentioned with some of the smaller named writers. Like Agatha Christie, Mark Twain, or John Updike.

Or, maybe even some moneymaking novelists like James Patterson, J. K. Rowling, and John Grisham.

I wouldn’t mind being in the company of their money.

Sure, I know I don’t always press the publish button for many of my writings. But, hey, not even Jane Austin could say that!

So, take that all you big name authors who only publish your books every other year or so. And you call yourself writers?

So, what do I write about, exactly?

Well, many things. For one, I write our youngest son’s name on his lunch bag every single day—including Saturdays and Sundays. Then there’s the grocery lists I write down for my wife—including items my wife always seems to forget—like beer and chips.

Also, I scribble love notes of sweet nothings to my wife, which I lovingly leave under her pillow at night. Wonder why she never says anything about them in the mornings? Oh well.

Then there are all those angry letters I anonymously pen to the power company, whereby I complain about how they spelled my last name wrong—and yet they still want me to pay them! I think they have me confused with some other writer … customer.

Now I realize that many a big-name author might well claim that, unlike me, they all get paid to write and that they have me over a barrel with that one.

But, I’m happy to report that I also get paid to write. Yes, that’s right. I get paid to write, too!

See, all I do, is I write certain folks about something I might have seen them do that maybe they shouldn’t have done. And, bingo, they send me money!

Someone told me it’s called extortion, blackmail, or something like that. But who cares what kind of writing it’s called, as long as it pays, right?

And you know what else?

If given enough time, I bet this this sort of gig could land me a long term contract with one of the big publishing houses like Random House, the Big House, or some place like that.

What a sentence that would be to write, huh?


107 comments on “I’m Going To Be Moving Up The Literary Ladder

    • I’d never thought about it like that before. Scott, you’ve made me reevaluate my priorities. So after some careful consideration (about 30 seconds or so), I’ve decided to blackmail people in order to pad my stats instead. MONEY? What in the world was I thinking!

  1. lol……OR..you could send emails out every hour on the hour telling people you are leaving them a bazillion dollars if they just send to you the measly sum of 1000.00 to cover the international fees!

    • You’re so right Suze. After all, is a $1000.oo really all that much to buy real peace of mind, when you stand to get a BAZILLION dollars in return. Of course not. And remember, you’re in good hands with Paul State! Hey… that might be a great moneymaking slogan!

  2. lol – I got hung up on the love notes to your wife too! tell my you are lying! Or I am seriously jealous! 🙂 And your son’s lunch bag – you rock!

    • Jodi, you’ve read them too! Well, then you’ve probably noted that at this time, I am only a wanna be Lothario. My wife has taken to suggesting that I change my name to Anselmo and speak in passionate Spanish to her, and only then will I be allowed to seduce her. But I can barely speak English as it is! So, I may have to start restricting her reading material to only my love notes before bed, as she obviously has been reading far too much Don Quixote. That, or change my name to Anselmo and learn to speak Spanish passionately, which I have no time for since I’m in the process of learning Pig Latin, instead.

  3. Oh, I am on to you. You grab our hearts by writing love notes to your wife and your son’s name on his lunch bag and expect us to feel sorry for you and send you money… What’s your address?? LOL! JUST KIDDING!

    • Well Jay, at the moment not much. I ran through all the cash in about two weeks. Who would have ever thought trying to live in the south of France while driving imported race cars, and flying all over the world (while trying to stay one step ahead of Interpol) with other peoples money, would cost so much? Oh… you meant the literary ladder thing… whoops. Uh… I did that on a lark. Me… a writer? I’m terrible with grammar and punctuation. besides, I have a blog to run!

  4. I always say: “define yourself.” The minute you let someone else define you, you’ve lost control of the narrative. Instead, tell them who you are and continue on with your story. If you think that you’re a writer, then be one.

    • That’s what I told my wife and son, Lynn, and still, they’re not as impressed as they should be. I fear I may have to start writing love novels instead of love notes to set under my wife’s pillow! And as for my son. Well all I can say is, let him eat hot lunch. He can only handle so much stuffed crust pizza, before he’ll be back to begging me to write his name on a cold lunch bag!

  5. Brilliant and I see you have compared yourselves with the Great Master already, I can only bow to you and quote him: “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.”

  6. A professional criminal maybe? I’m wondering how your wife will enjoy your “notes from prison” but I’m sure you can turn that into a book which might generate enough residuals for her to live on until you are released at which point you can do the talk show circuit thing and become a big star at which point I can become your agent. See? A plan.

    • This is why I hang out with…uh… why you should hang out with me, George. The tabloids will love me! Of course, you’ll want your standard 2%. No, no, I know some will say I’m being way too generous, but its the least I can do for my agent. In fact, George, I’m going to bump up your take to a whopping… 3% because you have the plan! 😀

  7. Hahaha…. I love this post…. right, i have thought that Freelancers were mainly extortionists… not to mention the fact that they might have multiple personality disorder too, at least to a certain degree…
    Oh and … If I were you, I´d erect a statue to you too…
    Sending love! ❤ Aquileana 🙂

  8. I think your grocery lists with the addition of unasked for items shows your great ability to be imaginative while nevertheless adhering to the conventions of the genre. I don’t know why your not raking in more money than Stephen King. Perhaps you could turn the French bread into a monster or something.

    • On occasions I’ve even branched out and added other conventional items like sunflower seeds, Hostess Sno Balls, and a Snickers candy bar. My wife always seems impressed when I lose the W on Sno Balls. I just want to show I can economize with words while still being a prolific writer. Yeah, I don’t know why so much has been made out of my not raking in more money than Stephen King, but I’ve always felt it was because he has a bigger yard than I do. And as for the French bread monster idea that’s interesting you mentioned that, Bun. I’ve had this idea for some time now, about a French bread monster named, Caligula. I just haven’t been able to get a publisher to bite.

    • LOL!!! Yes he does Sarah, yes he does. However, I guess we shouldn’t expect anything less from a guy who spends all his waking hours just researching and writing a blog about the hot dog. What’s next… Polish Kielbasas! 😀

  9. Oh, it all counts! After years of shopping lists I must have completed War and Peace equivalent! My mother always said she should be a fiction writer after the endless notes she sent to school about my absences. I love the notes to your wife, a very lucky woman. 😀😀

    • Thank you, Annika. So it was you that wrote War and Peace. And to think that all these years I thought it was Tolstoy! It must run in the family. I need to add writing absence notes for the kids to my resume.

  10. I would write love letters to my wife but she wouldn’t believe they came from me. We have been married so long she doesn’t think I even remember her name. That is a lie, her name is honey, I think. Great post.

    • LOL. Peyton, this is very interesting indeed. Why my wife happens to have that same name. Ironically, so do my brothers wives… and my next door neighbors too! This very well could be the most remarkable case of coincidence… since England started giving all their monarchs the same name. Thanks Peyton. 😀

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