The New Original Holiday Tale And Its—ALMOST Thrilling Final

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Welcome to Part Two of the new original holiday classic that everyone will be talking about… down at the hobo encampment near the railroad tracks.

“Baxter the Snowman and that Fateful Dance with those Darn Irresponsible Sugarplum Fairies.”

It’s written by a new, but well established, up and coming, utterly BRILLIANT author—who looks remarkably like… well… ME.

Part One of the story introduced us to, Baxter, a partially melted snowman who is living (if you can call it that) on the outskirts of the Egyptian Desert.

One Christmas Eve he encounters three Sugarplum Fairies who are anything but sugar and spice and everything nice.

They ask Baxter to help them in funding their quest to find “The Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” and in return, they promised him a portion of the fabled snowball to replace his current languidly melting lower torso.

All Roads Lead To The Kitchen

As you may recall, the Sacred Snowball is supposedly made of Folgers Crystals, “They’re magically delicious and melt in your coffee… BUT NOT IN YOUR SAND.”

We pick up our story with the ANIMATED Tim Burton now narrating—without having to croon any songs… because he can’t sing a lick.

Take it away, Tim!

Huh? Oh, yeah, right. Let me see… where were we now? Oh yes, remember.

So without further adieu I present to you, one Dickens of a Christmas Story—Uh.. Part Two.

Baxter (now a slowly liquefying snowman), is telling three odious Sugarplum Fairies that he barely remembers the fable of the sacred snowball, but that his mother sometimes would read about it to him as he was drifting off to sleep—back when he was but a small snowflake in his mothers eye.

Baxter, however, is unaware that the mischievous trio of fairies that he’s encountered were actually fired by Local Fairies Union 79 for dancing poorly without a license.

And, they’ve been using the fable of the “Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” as part of a nefarious ponzi scheme they hatched to defraud people (and snowmen) out of all their worldly goods.

Except items… Made in China.

In fact, the local nomad news recently reported that a Mongolian camel dealer by the name of, Herman T. Zidlemeyer, had actually ran into the three crafty old fairies while he was crossing the desert on a horse with no name.

He said the three claimed an uber driver left them stranded out there with only a snowballs chance in hell of escaping the desert heat.

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As luck would have it, they happened to have a snowball—The Famed Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik! They swapped the great snowball with Zidlemeyer for his horse—who shall still remain nameless.

Zidlemeyer barely crawled back home to his wife who, recognizing the fabled snowball’s value—that of being worthless except when being used as a MacGuffin in a Christmas fable—told her husband to put it out on the porch of their yurt—or tent.

There, overnight, it melted and eventually became a great puddle.

Today the puddle is better known as “The Oasis of Balderdash.” Of course, it could have been much worse for Zedlemeyer… he might have lost his yurt in the deal!

Baxter, also suffered from brain freezes (a condition quite common to snowmen), and he couldn’t remember anything about the nomad news report concerning the Zedlemeyers.

So, wanting to help the LITTLE WINGED HARPIES (I mean, fairies), Baxter slipped over to an ATM at the “First Dust and Loan of Jeruselum” and fortunately, not having to deal with a frozen account, was able to withdraw every single penny (and married ones too) from his savings—leaving only nickles, dimes, and quarters to his name…

And fifty thousand shares of Frigidaire stock, which at the time, were going for $900.00 a share.

The three wicked little fairies were unable to contain their joy at having pulled off a fast one on a (poor but living comfortably) handicapped snowman. So much so, that they made a fateful mistake. They began break-dancing, something no licensed Sugarplum Fairy would ever be caught dead doing.

Alive, perhaps? But dead? No.

However, Baxter, not known for his dancing skills (what snowman is, after all, they don’t have legs unless maybe they’re named Frosty), tried to join in and dance with the larcenous trio of fairies. That’s when Santa Claus came flying in—DOING 95 IN A 35 MILE PER HOUR ZONE!

Naturally, the cops, who were hot on his tail, swooped right in and arrested the whole lot of em—Baxter, the fairies (who were trying to spin away from justice), and old lead foot—Santa Claus.

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Baxter was later released when it became clear he couldn’t stand the heat. Even got his corncob pipe—BECAUSE SANTA DELIVERS.

Santa? Oh he got off for good behavior. Well what did you expect from a group of elves trying to save their job—TO CLAIM THAT THEY SAW HIS NAME ON THE NAUGHTY LIST?

And as for the three Sugarplum Fairies, well they weren’t so lucky.

Seems a young pregnant woman was seen riding on a donkey with her husband walking along side. They were looking for a hotel for the night (or so they claimed) but managed to bed down for the night in a manger.

The unscrupulous Sugarplum Fairies actually tried to pin the tale on the donkey—dummies.

Thank goodness the cops weren’t buying their FAIRY TALE. But you will… won’t you?

 

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19 comments on “The New Original Holiday Tale And Its—ALMOST Thrilling Final

  1. I admire your ability to weave a tale so convoluted that no one understands it, but everyone enjoys it. It’s quite a gift you have there. Nice line this one: “They’re magically delicious and melt in your coffee… BUT NOT IN YOUR SAND.”

    • Thank you, Ally. Thank god at least one of my readers was ALMOST able to follow the story—if only for the laugh. And I’m so glad you loved that sentence because I took great pride in mixing two eatable taglines in order to arrive at one new tagline. And, it somehow still didn’t make sense but managed to get the laugh. Yay! 😀

      • Well, that’s why, years ago, I walked away from my job as an elf at the North Pole. Oh sure, Santa offered me all sorts of incentives to stay, and I almost caved in and took that promotion—as a junior elf assistant, 8th class—working the assembly line in the packing division—FILLING BAGS FOR GOD’S SAKE! But, I had to turn him down because the job was beneath me… and so were the other elves—I grew—HUGE! Even bumped my head on the door frame on the way out. But, as I told Santa “I can’t be bought”—NOT FOR LESS THAN $3,25 AN HOUR ANYWAY. I mean, I have my standards.

      • You laugh, Erika, but I’m dying here. Why just look at what the critics—uh… my loyal readers—had to say about my masterpiece! They’re crucifying me! Take, for instance, Scott, From Snoozing on the Sofa and what he said “You can explain both parts to me later” Both parts later? I couldn’t explain both parts later—I’ve already tried… and with two entire posts! Or take this review from columnist, Ally Bean “I admire your ability to weave a tale so convoluted that no one can understand it…” How can I possibly help her to understand my masterpiece when I don’t even know the meaning of convoluted! And then there’s Kate Crimmins (I think she’s the CPO of the New York Times “Best Seller’s” department but is probably using the blog Views and Mews by Coffee Kat as a cover to protect her true identity. She says “I love reading the comments. It makes me feel better because no one understands.” And these reviews came BEFORE THEY READ THE POSTS! 😀

      • Haha… now this all is confusing me too😂😂but seriously, I think no one has understood the artist in you. Most of all because there is a part 3 waiting which reveals all the mysteries of the two first parts (please say Yes 🤷🏻😱)

    • Jan, you’re amazing! How’d you know Zeldemeyer was a big record producer? I thought only he and Baxter knew that secret. You sly fox, so you’re the one who came up with the album’s title! “Christmas at the Oasis of Balderdash”—pure genius! 😀

  2. Are you familiar with the term “theater of the absurd” ??? This was that. And you might just have lost your yurt, but I love the curious way your mind works, Paul. Thanks for the laughs.

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