Albert And Frank Enstein: A True Fabricated Story

Freaking News

Freaking News

Albert and Frank Einstein tells the incredibly weird but fabricated (almost true) story of twin brothers, whose similarities are uncannily indistinguishable, and yet totally opposite.

They were born sixty-one years apart in a century far far away, entirely removed from our own century—give or take a couple hundred years.

Older brother Frank, was given life in a dark dank castle located in Gernsheim, Germany in the year 1814. However, it took another four years (until 1818) for him to take his first breath. Which might explain why he remained green faced the rest of his life.

In spite of the fact that his face was described in another book as being yellowish in color.

Now being that this other book was a work of science fiction by someone other than myself—who by the way, was pretending to be an anonymous male at the time, but who in actuality was a female—I think we can safely discount the yellowish colored face description as being totally bogus. Don’t you?

But yet… it’s all totally true!

Younger brother Albert, on the other hand, was born in Baden-Wurttemburg, Germany to a completely normal couple, not singular male parents like those who fostered Frank. Yet it all took place in Germany, just as I’ve said.

Both were men of science, too. Albert explored science, while poor Frank was just a victim of it.

Did I mention that both of the boy’s dads were heavily into electricity? Well they were, and it’s all documented, too.

Would I lie to you?

Frankenseinia

Frankenseinia

Frank stood a monstrous 8′ 2′ tall, while Albert was a more diminutive 5′ 9′ minus in platform boots. Also, both appeared to have suffered from chronic bad hair days.

Mount Holyoke College

Mount Holyoke College

Albert experienced a wild and unruly uncombed fuzz on the top of his head.

This might have been due to him putting one of his fingers into an electrical socket (no doubt, in the name of science) to experience the after-effects of direct current on a persons hair?

Frank, on the other hand, tolerated a more flat-topped angular look.

Scientist still speculate as to how Frank could have maintained such an unusual look, particularly since he had a fondness for wearing metal bolts on both sides of his neck (apparently a fad of the time) which had a tendency to attract lightning bolts.

Could it have been a birth defect passed on down from his father’s fondness for playing with electricity? I tried to talk to some experts at Supercuts about this abnormality, but they appeared to be at a loss as to how to explain this rare phenomenon.

I know this to be true, as my question about Franks bolt defects (both of them) was met with blank stares from said Supercuts experts.

I guess this means we may never truly know the truth about the bolts on Franks neck, or about either of the twins weird hairdos.

However the brothers did share many other similar traits that were not even remotely close to being the same.

For example: Albert’s penchant for talking over peoples heads. Of course Frank did the same thing, but being that he was 8′ 2′ and a bit more basic, his conversations probably bordered on being less intelligent in nature. Likely due to a speech impediment which forced him to communicate only in grunts and groans.

Some other comparisons are made with reference to their brains, too.

Albert’s brain was removed and put into a jar for future study, and by experts. Not like Frank’s abnormal one which was put into his skull prior to electric shock treatments—something I wouldn’t advise.

It was a highly questionable operation, performed by a medical scientist of some repute. Seems he favored the assistants of hunchbacks, and with none of the training in the art of modern brain installing techniques.

In the end, Albert Enstein apparently discovered his regrettable relationship to Frank.

The family had been using a silent E in the front of their last name and Albert obviously sought to distance himself from Frank, and so he took to adding an i behind the E in an attempt to change his last name to that of… Einstein—avoiding the obvious phonetic implications.

Later the i came to stand for… INTELLECTUAL, thus forever separating the brothers…Enstein, forever.

keldavanpatten.com

keldavanpatten.comforever separating the brother’s Enstein, by his adopting a new spelling of their last name so that it now became…

This completely factual account about the brothers historical connection to one another—these rare photos serving as absolute proof that what I’m telling you is true, or may this post end with a sales pitch!—is soon to be a number one best selling novel.

Just as soon as I can get around to writing it.

So naturally you should send me $49.95 (a possible suggested retail price) in advance, and as soon as possible. You see, I need the proper motivation to write it.

That way you won’t miss out on getting your own (rubber stamped autographed) copy from Barnes and Noble, before they sell out of my books entire first edition.

Otherwise, you just might have to settle for a cheaper looking $12.95 paperback.

Trust me, it won’t look nearly as sophisticated—or even contain my fancy rubber stamped autograph—sitting down there on that dusty bottom shelf of yours.

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WE’RE WITH STUPID

The Big Lead

The Big Lead

SHOCK, SURPRISE… and may all crystal balls be damned! What have we done? Welcome to the new… DIVIDED STATES of AMERICA! Vladimir Puten couldn’t be happier—unless perhaps he was FBI director James Comey?

Thus ends election night 2016 to be forever referred to now as… “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”

Our nation was told—and by “So Called” experts—that the toss-up states of Florida, Michigan, and the new-founded state of DONALDSOTA would likely vote Clinton.

But as the night wore on, and EVERY toss up state began creeping into Donald Trump’s victory column, Hillary Clinton voters all but disappeared, and not just in one or two key states—BUT IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM! Did they all forget to go to the polls?

AMAZING? Try SUSPICIOUS.

Now we’d all had been warned that possible tampering with the Presidential election might be attempted by outside cyber attacks, but that we Americans shouldn’t worry, that our crack security experts were on top of it.

Psst…Edward Snowden knows all about them too.

Is it possible the experts forgot to mention that little warning to Vladimir Putin, ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or maybe even Kim Jong- Un?

All I know is, now it seems those (so called) know-it-alls all seem to be at a loss as to how to explain this totally unreasonable, illogical, and absolutely ridiculous outcome.

And what will ever become of our good neighbors to the north, the Canadians, what with their immigration site crashing?

Will they ever be able to erect A WALL in time to keep out all those American refugees?  I mean… THAT’S HALF A DAMN NATION COMING THEIR WAY!

Or is it… a damned nation?

This morning half of all Americans awoke to being called, TRUMPICANS.

For some crazy reason the word RIGGED keeps ringing in my ears—only now the shoe appears to be on the other foot. So many prognosticators GOT IT WRONG, dare we say… ALL OF THEM!

Will Hillary Clinton be the first person—in the world’s newest third world country—to be put before America’s new WALL to face a firing squad? Will Hillary grace the cover of Time Magazine standing in front of Donald’s wall, wearing a bandana with a cigarette dangling from her lower lip, as an ARA backed firing squad takes aim?

And what of CHANGE, what’s that?

Seems most of the incumbents remain in place. The obstructionist—better known as the do nothing congress—not only remain in power… BUT APPEAR TO HAVE BECOME EVEN MORE POWERFUL!

The Republicans not only control the Presidency but also the House and Senate too! Dare we expect anything other than a new supreme court justice (supposedly a non-political position) leaning Republican as well?

Hard to imagine this was what the American voter meant when they said they wanted CHECKS AND BALANCES. Maybe the voters were kidding?

Is there a great hatred in the underbelly of this country? Probably. A less than HIDDEN racial divide? No doubt. Possibly NO NATIONAL HEALTHCARE? Go to Vegas and bet on it!

It’s entirely possible that the servitude of the poor to the rich is about to become even greater now. See working three jobs to makes ends meet may not be enough now folks. Do I hear four jobs?

But don’t worry, there’s a silver lining. Now you’ll get to move up into a new tax bracket—and still not make ends meet!

Getting out the vote doesn’t appear to have worked for the MAJORITY of most Americans? After all, Clinton lost in the Electoral College but carried the popular vote. Minority rules? That’s just wrong. (Sound familiar? Reference Al Gore)

Donald Trump as President? Would you want someone doing your taxes who’s hadn’t trained for doing your taxes—say nothing of not having reported any? Yet, that sounds awfully similar to what has happened here. So what do we do now?

HOPE… that’s what. HOPE… that last allie of the HOPELESS.

HOPE TO GOD the aliens—or whatever powers that be—knew exactly what they were doing when they put “The Donald” into the most powerful office in all the land.

Because as a nation, there’s no way we could have possibly been stupid enough to have done this to ourselves, right?

If so… WE MIGHT JUST BE ONE VERY SAD STUPID GROUP OF PEOPLE.

Then again… “The  Donald” did give a very gracious acceptance speech, right?

Still one wonders… like Robert Redford’s character did right after he won the election at the end of the film, “The Candidate”…

Hands On

Hands On

BOO… HOO?

Tumblr

Tumblr

Monday October 31 had been a very long day. The doctor was locking up, but as he turned to switch off the lights he detected a Ghoulish presence in the room. No, not me, another ghastly figure. One wearing nothing more than a torn and tattered cloak.

I myself own a $9.99 windbreaker from Walmart.

“Can I help you?” the doctor asked. “No, I’m beyond help.” replied a depressed voice from the dark.

“Surely it’s not that bad.” replied the doctor to the voice. Gradually, the entity came into view. He set his scythe in the corner and began to pace (well… float actually) back and forth across the room. His head remained bowed as his bony fingers twitched. A deeply troubled soul.

“Would you have a seat or perhaps you’d like to lay on the sofa?” The psychiatrist asked.

“Lying on the sofa will do, thank you.” the Reaper replied “You see, in my line of work it’s usually the other away around.”

“Oh I see.” said the doctor knowingly.

“Do you really?” asked the Grim Reaper.”You have no idea what a joy it is to hear you say that doctor. It’s a terrible cross I bear. I run an unlicensed escort service, where all I do is collect souls day and night.”

“I can’t imagine.” said the doctor.

“Perhaps that’s because you have a license doctor. Hee, hee, hee” quipped Death. Then Death continued…

“Another thing doctor, I have no say in the matter either, I just go where he tells me when HE tells me. Ever try waking the dead doctor?”

The doctor shook his head no.

“Well just try waking up a teenager for school sometime. Same difference.”

“What about the working conditions, are they bad?” asked the doctor.

Pumpkin-Bumpker

Pumpkin-Bumpker

“The worst.” replied the wraith “I have to work in all kinds of weather, and with only this ridiculous robe for protection. Because, and I’m quoting—it’s expected of me!”

“I roam cold damp cemetery’s… usually in the dark. It’s amazing I haven’t caught my death of cold already, and me with no healthcare!  The post office has nothing on me let me tell ya doctor.”

“How DO you do it?” the good doctor asked.

“Well you see, I fly… all the time. Fly all over the world. 24/7/365 days a year… no days off! Every time I step into an airport I attract the attention of the TSA. Being on time for a cadaver collection has become nearly impossible for me. So… I’ve put the TSA on borrowed time. And further more… ”

“Speaking of borrowed time Mr. Death, we’re on it right now. I’m afraid I’ll have to schedule you for another day. I’ll have my secretary set you up with another appointment. Shall we say… next Halloween?”