Albert And Frank Instein: A True Fabricated Story

Freaking News

Freaking News

Albert and Frank Einstein: A True Fabricated Story, tells the weird and incredibly true (but ambiguously fallacious) story of twin brothers whose similarities were uncannily indistinguishable. I know, because it’s my story!

The tale begins with the two brothers being born sixty-one years apart in a century two-hundred years ago, but not in a galaxy far, far, away.

Why turn the simple story of two men of science into some kind of space opera, right?

As I was saying, older brother Frank came to life in a dark dank castle located in Gernsheim, Germany in the year 1814. However, it took him until 1818 to catch his breath.

That might explain why he had a green face for the better (and worse) part of his life.

That in spite of his face once being described by another writer as yellowish in color in some other strange book. That book being largely considered as an outlandish work of science fiction no less.

And did you know its author pretended to be a male novelist who was a female in reality? It’s true! So, I think we can safely discount his and her description of Franks face as being yellowish in color as a totally bogus discription. Don’t you?

Now Franks younger brother Albert, on the other hand, was born in Baden-Wurttemburg, Germany and to a completely normal couple.

Unlike poor Frank, who was raised by a couple of men who wore lab jackets and who were also known for frequenting graveyards at night, but who obviously raised Frank as their own after he was given up for adoption—likely because of his green face, as most Germans didn’t have green faces at the time.

At least, I don’t think they did?

Both Frank and Albert were men of science as well. However, Albert explored science, while Frank, the taller of the two, seemed more like a victim of it.

Did I mention that both boy’s dads were heavily into electricity? Well it’s true, they were. And it’s all documented, so I wouldn’t really bother to question any of it. God only knows what kind of crazy things you might turn up!

I mean, would I lie to you?



As I said, Frank was tall. He stood a monstrous 8 feet high, while Albert was a more diminutive 5′ 9′ minus the platform boots. Both boys appeared to suffer from chronic bad hair days too.

Mount Holyoke College

Mount Holyoke College

Albert had a wild and unruly uncombed fuzz ball on the top of his head.

This was probably due to his putting one of his fingers into an electrical socket (in the name of science no doubt) to experience the after-effects of direct current on someone’s hair?

Frank, on the other hand, tolerated a flat-topped angular look.

He apparently had an unusual fondness for wearing metal bolts on both sides of his neck (probably a fad in Germany at the time) and thus, not a bolt defect, his hair was slicked down by sweat and steam from a lightening strike.

I talked to the experts at Supercuts (Frank’s barbers of choice) who told me that one day he stiltedly wondered into their place, arms outstretched, and muttered something—grunted mostly—and what you see became hair history.

Which means, I guess, that we may never truly know the whole truth about either of the twins weird hairdos.

However the brothers did share many other similar traits—though not even remotely close to being the same.

For example: Albert had a penchant for talking over peoples heads. Frank did the same thing, of course, but being that he was 8′ 2′ and a bit more basic, his conversations tended to naturally go right over peoples heads.

You’ll note other comparisons with reference to their brains as well.

Albert’s brain was removed and put into a jar for future study, and by experts. Frank’s, abnormal one, on the other hand, was put into his skull prior to electric shock treatments—something I wouldn’t advise.

It was a highly questionable operation performed by a medical scientist who evidently loved ducks. Called a quack by the town folk—and not affectionately I might add—it seems he favored the assistance of a small hunchback, one with none of the training in the art of modern brain installing techniques like we have today. And, well, “Grrr”

In time, Albert Enstein apparently discovered his regrettable relationship to Frank.

The family name began with an I, thus the name “Instein.” Albert, seeking to distance himself from Frank, took to adding a silent E in front of the I in an attempt to change his last name to that of … Einstein instead—avoiding the obvious phonetic implications.

Later the i came to stand for… INTELLECTUAL, thus forever separating the brothers…Enstein.

keldavanpatten.comforever separating the brother’s Enstein, by his adopting a new spelling of their last name so that it now became…

This completely factual account about the brothers historical connection to one another—with these rare photos serving as absolute proof that what I am saying is true—or may this post end with a sales pitch!—serves as notice of the soon to be released arrival of this new number one Best Seller…

Just as soon as I can get around to writing it.

Naturally, that means you should now send me $49.95 (a possible suggested retail price) in advance, and as soon as possible.

You see, I’ll need the proper motivation to write it.

And that way you won’t miss out on getting your own (rubber stamped autographed) copy from Barnes and Noble, before they sell out of my books entire first edition.

Otherwise, you just might have to settle for a cheaper looking $12.95 paperback.

Trust me, it won’t look nearly as sophisticated—or even contain my fancy rubber stamped autograph—sitting down there on that dusty bottom shelf of yours.

So act now and don’t miss out on one of the greatest books ever to be written … some day.



The Big Lead

The Big Lead

SHOCK, SURPRISE and may all crystal balls be damned! What have we done?

Welcome to the new… DIVIDED STATES of AMERICA, Vladimir Puten couldn’t be happier.

Thus ends election night 2016—better known as “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”

Even Donald Trump himself said, while in Wisconsin, “Remember, we are competing in a rigged election,” which makes one wonder if he might not have been confessing rather than accusing someone…given the outcome .

As the night wore state-after-state began creeping into Donald Trump’s victory column.

Not just in one or two key states mind you—BUT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!


For weeks we all had heard the warnings of possible tampering with the Presidential Election by outside cyber attacks—possibly by Russia.

Could our crack security experts handle the problem, or would Edward Snowden and Putin’s hackers pull it off?

Our nation is now at a loss as how to explain this totally unreasonable, illogical, and absolutely ridiculous outcome.

And what is to become of our good neighbors to the north, the Canadians, now that their immigration site is crashing? Will they ever be able to erect A WALL in time to keep out all us American refugees? BETTER THAN HALF OF OUR DAMN NATION!

Or is that… a damned nation?

This morning, the majority of American voters awoke to being called, TRUMPICANS.

For some crazy reason the word RIGGED may be taking on an entirely different ring.

So many prognosticators GOT IT WRONG. Dare we say… ALL OF THEM!

Will Hillary Clinton now be the first person in the world’s newest third world country to be put before an NRA firing squad, and in front of a WALL of “The Donald’s” making, wearing only a bandana and a cigarette dangling from her lower lip?

And what of CHANGE?

Seems most of the incumbents remain in place. The obstructionist—better known as the do nothing congress—not only remain in power… BUT APPEAR TO HAVE BECOME EVEN MORE POWERFUL!

The Republicans not only control the Presidency but also the House and Senate too!

Dare we expect anything other than a new supreme court justice (supposedly a non-political position) leaning Republican as well?

Hard to imagine this was what the American voter meant when they said they wanted change. So much for CHECKS AND BALANCES.

Maybe the voters were kidding?

Is there a great hatred in the underbelly of this country? Probably. A less than HIDDEN racial divide? No doubt. Possibly NO NATIONAL HEALTHCARE? Go to Vegas and bet on it!

It’s entirely possible that the servitude of the poor to the rich is about to become even greater now as well. Working three jobs to makes ends meet may not be enough now folks.

Do I hear four jobs?

But don’t you worry, there’s a silver lining in all of this—as we all get to move up into a new tax bracket and still not make ends meet!

Getting out the vote doesn’t appear to have worked for the MAJORITY of most Americans? After all, Clinton lost in the Electoral College but carried the popular vote. Minority rules? Sound familiar? Reference Al Gore—sad, sad.

Donald Trump as President? Would you want someone doing your taxes who isn’t qualified—say nothing of not having reported any? Yet that appears to be what happened here. So what do we do now?

HOPE… that’s what, that last allie of the HOPELESS.

HOPE TO GOD aliens—or whatever powers that be—knew exactly what they were doing when they put “The Donald” into the most powerful office in all the land.

Because, as a nation, there’s just no way we could have possibly been stupid enough to have done this to ourselves, right?


Then again… “The  Donald” did give a very gracious acceptance speech, right?

Still one is left to wonder, like Robert Redford’s character did right after he won the election at the end of the film, “The Candidate”…

Hands On

Hands On




Monday October 31 had been a very long day. The doctor was locking up, but as he turned to switch off the lights he detected a Ghoulish presence in the room. No, not me, another ghastly figure. One wearing nothing more than a torn and tattered cloak.

I myself own a $9.99 windbreaker from Walmart.

“Can I help you?” the doctor asked. “No, I’m beyond help.” replied a depressed voice from the dark.

“Surely it’s not that bad.” replied the doctor to the voice. Gradually, the entity came into view. He set his scythe in the corner and began to pace (well… float actually) back and forth across the room. His head remained bowed as his bony fingers twitched. A deeply troubled soul.

“Would you have a seat or perhaps you’d like to lay on the sofa?” The psychiatrist asked.

“Lying on the sofa will do, thank you.” the Reaper replied “You see, in my line of work it’s usually the other away around.”

“Oh I see.” said the doctor knowingly.

“Do you really?” asked the Grim Reaper.”You have no idea what a joy it is to hear you say that doctor. It’s a terrible cross I bear. I run an unlicensed escort service, where all I do is collect souls day and night.”

“I can’t imagine.” said the doctor.

“Perhaps that’s because you have a license doctor. Hee, hee, hee” quipped Death. Then Death continued…

“Another thing doctor, I have no say in the matter either, I just go where he tells me when HE tells me. Ever try waking the dead doctor?”

The doctor shook his head no.

“Well just try waking up a teenager for school sometime. Same difference.”

“What about the working conditions, are they bad?” asked the doctor.



“The worst.” replied the wraith “I have to work in all kinds of weather, and with only this ridiculous robe for protection. Because, and I’m quoting—it’s expected of me!”

“I roam cold damp cemetery’s… usually in the dark. It’s amazing I haven’t caught my death of cold already, and me with no healthcare!  The post office has nothing on me let me tell ya doctor.”

“How DO you do it?” the good doctor asked.

“Well you see, I fly… all the time. Fly all over the world. 24/7/365 days a year… no days off! Every time I step into an airport I attract the attention of the TSA. Being on time for a cadaver collection has become nearly impossible for me. So… I’ve put the TSA on borrowed time. And further more… ”

“Speaking of borrowed time Mr. Death, we’re on it right now. I’m afraid I’ll have to schedule you for another day. I’ll have my secretary set you up with another appointment. Shall we say… next Halloween?”