“Just think, two months ago I was this almost popular blogger with over 12,000 hits. Not even Elvis would have made such a claim—not that he’d ever would have wanted to either. But, I also had fifty fellow bloggers whom I followed on a regular basis—WordPress doesn’t allow for more—dictators.
And, I myself was followed by over 450 other bloggers, none of whom were stalkers—phew, what a relief! However, I will say, that even they couldn’t explain why they followed my blog. But, that’s probably not important, right?”
“So anyway, here I am lying on your couch again, admiring the ceiling tile as if it were the Sistine Chapel—minus the work of Michelangelo, of course.
“Doc? Did you hear me? Doc?”
Must have drifted off again? Does that a lot whenever I’m here. Poor mans gotta be overworked.
Wonder if he dyes his mustache and goatee to match that salt and pepper colored hair of his? And why do therapists always seem to wear small wire rimmed glasses with thick coke bottle size lenses? I’ve got it… they’re born with a pair!
“ZAT VILL DO MY BOY!” That’s Doctor Auguste (pronounced, Ahgoost). My therapist.
Me: Oh hi doc! Thought you’d dozed off again. W a i t Ah m i n u t e… you just read my mind! How’d you do that?
Dr. Auguste: I zink zat I am za von who is zuppose to be asking za questions here? Zo I ask you again, vhat brings you into za office to zee me zis time?
Me: My wife. Hey doc, you were out for a long time there?
Dr. Auguste: Vell zat explains who… vate za minute. Vhat do you mean I was out for za long time? How long is za long?
Me: I don’t know.
Dr. Auguste: Now zat I can believe.
Me: About two months.
Dr, Auguste: Oh vell that’s not so… TWO MONTHS!!! Oh for goodness zakes zat is a long time! Vee really haz to do zomezing about zee’s zessions of yours.
Me: Maybe you could try that mind reading trick on me again. You know the one where you try reaching into my subconscious mind?
Dr. Auguste: No, I zeriously doubt zat zat vill verk. You zee, you don’t haz von of zoes.
Me: Oh well. But hey, that’s still a pretty cool trick you have there, doc. How’d you do it?
Dr. Auguste: Vell I didn’t tell “Vienna’s Got Talent” how I did it, zo I zeriously doubt I’ll be telling you how I doz it, eizer. Never za less, zare must be zome reason vie your vife brought you in to zee me? Zink. Vhat reason could she have for vaunting you to zit back on za couch again?
Me: Well, all I know is, for the last two months she’s complained all I ever do is write in my blog. Oh… and read posts from my little friends.
Dr. Auguste: You haz za little friends, too? Zo you zuffer from za leprechauns halluzanations as vell? Zat vood be bad.
Me: No silly. That’s what my wife calls my blogging buddies.
Dr. Auguste: Oh zank goodness. For za minute zare, I zought maybe you really were out of za mind. Zo zen vhat happenz?
Me: Well, she said she couldn’t take it anymore and asked me to take a break from blogging.
Dr. Auguste: And zo you did, right?
Me: Yep, I even staked out a spot on our sofa where during the last two months I drank lots of beer and ate a ton of fast food. Probably expanded my waistline two full sizes!
Dr. Auguste: Yez, zomsing to be proud of for sure.
Me: You know, she’s even complained about me walking around the house in my underwear with only a robe on. My robe barely fits.
Dr. Auguste: I zee, very zexy.
Me: Really?
Dr. August: No. But continue.
Me: Okay. Maybe it’s because I’ve tried to grow an unkempt beard. You think?
Dr. Auguste: Trying? No, yooz already zuczeeded zare. No, I’d zay zare mus be anozer reason vhy she brought you to zee me.
Me: Hey, (SNAP!) I’ve got it!
Dr. Auguste: I only hopes zits not contagious. Vhat?
Me: I think she misses my blog!
Dr August: Are you nuts? Zats just clazy! Nobody mizzes your blog! You mus trust me on zis.
Me: No, no, no she really does miss my blog. She even said so.
Dr. Auguste: She even zaid zo? I zink maybe it’s time she came in and zat on za couch as vell!
Me: But its true doc. Just last week she changed her mind about me taking a break from my blog, and went so far as to beg me to start writing in it again.
Dr. Auguste: Zat is incledable!
Me: Yes. But having not written in my blog in nearly two months I couldn’t think of a single thing to write about.
Dr. Auguste: Ah ha! Zo you are zuffering from za empty-headed zing again! I knew it!
Me: I guess so. But what can I do about it, doc?
Dr. Auguste: Vell, how za about you vite about za very virst zing zat comes into za head.
Me: Oh I’ve already tried that.
Dr. Auguste: And?
Me: And the fly just flew in one of my ears and out the other.
Dr Auguste: And zat left you wiz za buzz?
Me: Yep. But still no idea what to write about.
Dr. Auguste: Vell vee can’t haz zat now, can vee?
Me: Can we!
Dr. Auguste: No. Ozervize, vee haz you in here all za time. No, I zink you haz to start za viting process vite avay.
Me: But how doc, I haven’t a clue what to write about?
Dr. Auguste: Here, I zuggest you try taking za notes from zis zession. Go now, go, go anz vite your next post wiz my compliments!
Me: But doc…
Dr, Auguste: No, no, I inzist. Bezides, I zink za time is up for zis zession. Please check viz my zecratary, Helga. She vill give you anozer appointment… might even be by za next year! Zo, buh-bye until za next year!
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In My Cluttered Attic 