I Really Have Got To Catch Up On My Reading

For the last three days, I’ve been busy entertaining family and friends. When you consider I have virtually no talent—my wife says’ there’s no virtual about it I just have no talent at all—it was amazing!

There our relatives politely sat—for 72 hours—trapped on my sofa, while I performed my song and dance routine. After they left, I asked my wife “Well, how was I?”

She responded, “I haven’t seen facial expressions like that since my brother told me he was going to have to have all his teeth extracted—and without Novocain!”

I must have been better than I thought.

Anyway, this pleasant little weekend detour (plus one), has forced me to get busy and catch up on my work this morning—if only to receive a paycheck. Of course, this forced us to miss out on acquiring that nice little airy unfurnished property that we were eyeing underneath one of our local overpasses.

But, my wife doesn’t seem to be too distressed about it.

However, because I had to perform this weekend and help out the employers too—who are so needy—I had no choice but to avoid catching up on my reading.

And that made me think; when someone says they have to catch up on their reading, I wonder what reading they’re actually talking about?

I sometimes wonder if they’re referring to that 5000-page textbook they’ve been avoiding all summer? Or maybe they’re talking about their attorney’s brief on that impending plea deal he’s planning on their behalf, in order to get them off of a murder conviction.

Perhaps they’re avoiding having to read those divorce papers issued to them on behalf of their ex. Then again, maybe it’s the volumes of paper sent home with your child, explaining all the school rules your kid has to adhere too in order to avoid serving more than a one-year sentence—say like… summer school.

I mean, I find it hard to believe they could possibly be talking about reading a novel by a popular novelist who could care less about them. Or who couldn’t be bothered to take the time to send a personally autographed copy of said novel to them?

That’s right, I’m talking about you, Ernest Hemingway! Refusing to respond to my request for an autographed copy of  “For Whom The Bell Tolls” is only going to result in my not buying another one of your books. So think about it, will ya!

But as I was going to say, when I tell you that I have to catch up on my reading I’m always referring to you folks and your blogs.

When I feel compelled to do a song and dance routine for relatives who are about to have all their teeth pulled, instead of reading a post by you, or go bail out one of my employers by doing them a favor (because they can’t conduct business without me), you are the ones who suffer.

So my eyes are about to get busy reading all you’ve written this last weekend. And just let me say; after seeing the volume of work you’ve done—I think reading the Bible all the way through…might actually prove to be a faster read!

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Honey, We Need To Talk

If you watch daytime programming or any kind of retro television, you may be acquainted with an AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance Plan ad. There’s this older couple, they’re in a car (he’s driving), when suddenly out of the blue the wife (who is in the passenger side of the vehicle) say’s to her husband…

“Honey, we need to talk.”

He responds with “We do? I took out the trash.” and she retorts “I know, and thank you so much for doing that.”

I’d say things were rolling along quite nicely, wouldn’t you? Oh, a little syrupy perhaps, but then my wife probably would have responded more like…

“Sure you did, just like last week and the week before that and the week before that. Each time I reminded you the night before, and you still forgot to take the trash out. Forcing me to get up and rush out in my slippers and robe, only to be ogled at by old man Mitchell—the pervert next door—all because I got locked out of the house on account of your forgetting to take out the trash the night before!” 

“Never mind that, though, that’s not the point I was trying to make.”

But, now that I think about it, she might be right. Mitchell does kind of ogle? Why last month, he did the same thing to me (ogle me that is) when my wife locked me out of the house, and in my underwear—and on purpose!

Its nothing, though, just a little game my wife likes to play—when she gets mad at me—for accidentally locking her out of the house.

Besides, he only stared at me for ten minutes—without blinking! Nah… what a ridiculous thought!

Now where was I? Oh yeah, the commercial. So anyway when the wife (by the way…that’s any wife) starts a conversation with, “Honey, we need to talk.” You can bet it’s not likely going to be about some Medicare Supplement Insurance Plan. I can tell you that. No siree!

No, now that she’s got you trapped in that speeding car (yes, you’re accelerating, any man would after a statement like that), she probably wants to know how lipstick got on your collar. In fact, you’re probably wanting to know how it got there too? That’s still not the point I wanted to make.

But, now that I think about it, I’m having some terrible thoughts.

What if I’m in a bathtub full of water and my wife walks in (a devious smile across her face), and with a toaster that’s plugged in!

And what if she decides to make that statement then?

“Honey, we need to talk.”

All I see is lights flashing on and off throughout the house.

Or, maybe, I have the car jacked up and I’m working underneath doing a repair job, when suddenly I see my wife’s high heels and she’s standing next to the car-jack saying,

“Honey, we need to talk.”

I have this horrible image of the car coming down on me—and boy is it ever heavy, because it’s not a VW bug!

Worse, I see myself hanging from my tool belt over the edge of the gutters while cleaning them out. Suddenly, my wife appears (smiling) standing on the roof above me, and she’s holding an extra sharp pair of pruning shears saying…

“Honey, we need to talk.” Clip, clip!

Uh… those are just crazy thoughts. I shouldn’t be trying to do a post anyway as I’m suppose to be figuring out why the pilot light’s out on our oven and I promised my wife I would get it done today.

She’ll be very disappointed if she finds me writing a post instead. Boy it sure smells like gas in here? Oh wait a minute, there’s my wife. This won’t take but a second and I’ll finish my thought.

“Oh, Hi honey! What’s that? We need to talk? Talk about what? Why are you standing outside the house with that lighter?” 

Playing Fast And Loose With The Facts

These days, with all politicians throwing their hats into the ring in an attempt to become president, we’re likely to get an education on how to play fast and loose with the facts. But then again, politicians are experts at that sort of thing, and I’m only an amateur—or am I?

So, would you like to hear my theory on playing it loose with the facts?

Well too bad, I have a few twisted examples before I can complete another ridiculous post. So sit down—please!

First of all, Mark Twain once said, “Get your facts first, than you can distort them as you please.”

For example; George Washington was the first president of the United States, that’s a fact—but he also had wooden teeth. Donald Trump is running for president of the United States, another fact—but he has SOMETHING on his head.

These are the facts, but I’m playing fast and loose with them.

How about a factoid? it’s not really a fact. In reality, it’s a word with an o-i-d added on. That’s verifiable, but a factoid is not.

For those in the know this won’t come as a big shock, but Disney World is not really a world—just a theme park. And, just try New York City, just try and prove to the world (any world) that you’re a Big Apple. You can’t—can you?

Bruce Jenner is not a complete woman—well not yet anyway.

Their might be giants, but it won’t be the San Francisco or New York Giants. Both are frauds! Here’s why—(Y).

Now that that silliness is out of the way here’s why I called both Giant teams, big fibbers.

Justin Maxwell who plays for the San Francisco Giants is only 6’5′ inches tall, and he’s their tallest player.

And Chris Canty and Matt McCants of the New York Giants are the tallest on their team, and each is only 6’7 inches tall. Hardly Giants among men, wouldn’t you say? So those Giants (both of them), aren’t really Giants at all! Oh, that’s a bonus fact. No charge… oh, and that’s a bonus, bonus fact!

The moon is full… even after its eight—I mean its ate. Well… you have to throw in a few random facts, right?

Bet you all knew that Pluto was considered a planet long before 1919. The International Astronomical Union (IAU) doesn’t think so though. They decided to declare Pluto a dwarf planet. No problem, the (IAU) hasn’t been around as long as Pluto—in fact only SINCE 1919.

So Mickey Mouse decided to name his dog, Pluto. Just let the (IAU) try and declare him one of the 7 dwarfs! They can’t, not in their power. Take that (IAU)!

Elvis sightings are real—even if Mr. Presley is gone—that includes that short order cook at the Sahara.

Sgt. Joe Friday (Jack Webb) from “Dragnet” fame made a living saying “Just the facts mam” even to the men!

Okay, I made that last part up, but I couldn’t leave it at that, not with a cheap laugh still out there to be had. You know, I’m actually starting to feel more like an expert on this subject now.

Anyway, that’s my theory on playing fast and loose with the facts. Now you could appoint a fact finding committee to check them out, but please keep in mind what Albert Einstein once said…

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”

So It’s Mid-August—Whad’ya Mean Summers Over?

It used to be that when June rolled around people started looking to get away from it all. Plans were made to escape the everyday grind. No more snow and very little rain meant folks started venturing out again. No more feeling like Jack Nicholson did at the very end of “The Shining.”

Summers over? Already?

By June most of us were ready for the good old summertime. After the Fourth of July holiday had passed, the middle of summer was setting in, thus signaling the time for barbecues with family and friends. By the time August came around, you were ready to take that summer getaway.

But wait… whats this? Our kids have to head back to school mid to late August now? But we haven’t taken our traditional summer family vacation yet. And what bozo made that decision? Whats that? The schools!

Well… lets take vacation anyway—I mean after all, our kids are back in school! Besides, we’ve always taken our summer vacation in August—kids or not!

Okay, okay the kids can come along, but we’ll have to get the teachers to sign off on it. Whad’ya mean the teachers are complaining about having to draw up some homework for the kids to do while they’re on vacation? Don’t they understand its August, and that not all families can take vacations in June or July?

I mean come on, there’s nothing like leaving Disneyland in the middle of the evening to go back to our hotel room, just so we can do hours of homework with the kids.

In fact, I can’t think of anything kids love more. Except maybe having their teeth worked on by the dentist during a root canal. 

Remember when schools used to start the academic year right after the Labor Day holiday—when it really felt like summer was actually nearing its end?

You remember that don’t you? Dad wore his loin-clothe, and mom used a bone in her hair instead of a hairpin, and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

But now schools need your summer vacation money more than ever, and the sooner the better.

If they wait until September to have your kids start school, they run the risk of angering parents when they send home picture day announcements on top of requesting donations for supplies, the cost of gym clothes, PTA memberships, and fund raising (gift wrap is real popular) for the first part of the school year.

And lets not forget special activities like, band, sports, after school clubs, and field trips—not to mention prepaid lunch money.

You don’t mind though, after all, you’ve only gone into hock to buy your kids new clothes so that they won’t attend school in the hand me down rags they’ve worn since the day they were born—and those barely fit! Not to mention backpacks that will be worn out, and school supplies which will be exhausted by Christmas break.

If you ever stop sending your child to school… the schools will go broke! Better you than them though, right?

A Top Secret Post For The Best Blog Readers…In My Price Range

Highly confidential stuff.

The following is a top secret post, visible only to “Attic” readers using the secret decoder ring hidden in my last post.

THIS IS A SPECIAL BULLETIN from WordPress:

This post is visible to EVERYONE, even to the dummy who wrote it. And no, he didn’t include a secret decoder ring in his last post—otherwise we’d have one too, along with the last golden ticket from Willy Wonka! We realize this was a horrible thing to wake-up to, but it couldn’t be helped, because it went totally viral!

Anyway, we now return you to this dummy and his ridiculous post.

Welcome readers to the first “In My Cluttered Attic” super secret meeting of the (cluttered) mind. As you know by now, I struggle (every other day or so) to write a post in a timely manner. Say nothing of reading, commenting, and pressing blogger friends buttons (Uh, LIKE buttons) in an expedient fashion.

For my friends who blog about poetry, writing, art, photography, or making money—obviously this blog is not about any of those themes, or I’d have a bank account loaded with cash by now—this post is for you.

I wrote this post, to say thanks to all of you for reading my award winning humor—unworthy of a paying publication.

I am aware that some of you—like my friend Donna over at http://yadadarcyyada.com/ have followers numbering in the hundreds, unlike myself (as I have depleted my bank account in an attempt to bribe you into following me). But there is a very good reason why Donna has so many followers. She offers insightful writing——while I continue to scribble…lots of drivel.

Still, I’m grateful to all of you who follow me, whether hundreds are following you or just dozens, possibly explaining why fewer of you are following me—but that could lend an air of truth to MY slogan, “The most impossible to find blog on the entire internet.”

Some of my former readers strayed from the light known as “My Attic” (almost immediately), at the possible risk of being contaminated. Take my friend Stephanie for example over at http://onceuponyourprime.com/ who apparently felt making scads of money in her spare time, was infinitely superior to making no money from reading my blog.

I know, go figure, right?

Of course, she’s brilliant and that’s why I find reading her writing not only enlightening, but entertaining too. Not to mention that by reading what she has to say, I may yet learn the art of closing the deal.

Also, I go to great lengths to respond to my readers who take the time to comment on my blog. Once, I even tried consulting the DMV in an attempt to reach one of my many fans, Paris Hilton (well that’s who she said she was). And for that the FBI issued me a cease and desist order?

I am all too aware of the daily risk that threaten to push our love of writing onto a back burner. Why at this very minute, some sadistic fiend out there, is likely cooking up some similar (hairbrained) scheme for my site to meet a similar fate—in hopes that this blog will somehow go up in flames!

To that I say… does anyone hear sirens? 

Some folks have asked me, “Paul (because that’s my name and I don’t answer to Jack) how do you keep bloggers on your payroll…uh…blogroll?”

Well I’ll tell you. Simple… I click follow.

Take for instance, my friend, Susannah from http://athingirl.com/ she offers daily insights on events she see’s happening in the Big Apple, and then there’s my friend, Kate at http://coffeekatblog.com/ who not only loves her cats, but who I also suspect believes I’m on something.

Thank goodness, neither of these fine ladies have ever been able to prove that—YET.

Likewise, there’s my Canadian partner (currently on summer camp assignment—no doubt with some moose), Paul residing over at https://captainsspeech.wordpress.com/ and my other good pal, George who is not from Canada, but who I enjoy all the same at http://theoffkeyoflife.com/ (they complete one half of the group known as “The Beatles”  although, neither of them have a Beatles haircut) nevertheless, both of them have hung on my every word, and because of it… could lose their grip on reality any day now.

This should clearly demonstrate (to skeptics and anyone named,Thomas) my undeniable appeal to the rich and famous.

However, it is virtually impossible to list all the bloggers whose writing, comments, and photos would add joy to anyone’s day, say nothing of my own. Yet, you just knew I was gonna try (Inhale).

Other visiting friends to my outpost on the WordPress prairie, have even been known to occasionally contribute (occasionally?) witty comments or humorous banter to my blog, and include in no particular order;

Jan at http://jttwissel.com/ a skilled writer and friend, or my extremely talented pal, Jodi at http://lifeinbetween.me/ and further artistry comes from that far out there, Sarah at http://problemswithinfinity.com/ and then there’s the hilariously gifted, Allen at http://thecolaneconundrum.com/ or the extremely fun and skilled  Johanna at https://colorpencil2014.wordpress.com/ and don’t forget another friend, Sarah from https://brandedexplorer.wordpress.com/ and all these folks offer their own special brand of humor and artistic skills—for the enjoyment of others.

I still benefit though—in spite of that.

Did I mention the amazing, Susie (and she truly is) at http://susielindau.com/ who will certainly keep you busy and inspired by her energy, and zest for life? Or how about my ever tortured friend, Sandi at https://flipflopseveryday.wordpress.com/ who puts up with me. I have another friend (oh yes!), John at http://thestoryenthusiast.com/ who helps me with my seriously lacking artistic endeavors. Also, another dear (Canadian) friend, Dale at http://adelectablelife.com/ who reminds me of what we can lose, and still we can carry on with hope. There’s my Lily (hi Lil!) at https://mixedupmoose.wordpress.com/ who has lavished me with high praise which I can’t resist soaking up. And one horrible omission on my part (at least initially, but in serious need of inclusion, as he has been with me from the very beginning), Occraz http://rational-reflection.com/2015/05/11/a-magical-journey-day-one/comment-page-1/#comment-604 who just happens to be very funny in his own right. And GP Cox https://pacificparatrooper.wordpress.com/ who not only helps us remember all those who have served, but who have sacrificed for our freedom. Thank you GP.

No, of course I’m not done yet. I have to tell you about Sarah (Yes another Sarah. What, you got a problem with that name? Well I should say not, or you’ll face the wrath of Choppy…who is totally harmless) at http://travelswithchoppy.com/ and then there’s, Jay whose fabulous movie reviews (don’t leave for the theater without them) will leave you ready for the multiplex at http://assholeswatchingmovies.com/ and the beautiful Melanie from http://amusingmyselfmusings.com/ who never gives up on life, and my friend, Tessa at https://tessacandoit.wordpress.com/ both these ladies always press relentlessly forward.

There is the very funny (okay, bitter) Ben at http://bensbitterblog.com/ and noted comic writer, Austin from https://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/ who inspires me. And my delightful friend, Juls at https://theindecisiveeejit.wordpress.com/ who happens to be Irish like me, but who is actually from the UK.

I have sensitive, but no less important friends who visit me. For instance, Elle at https://knowleselle.wordpress.com/ and a wonderful poet, who I prefer to call, Chocolate at https://poetryandchocolateandbooks.wordpress.com/ and another couple of friends who also write great poetry, Barrira at https://unheardunspokencogitationum.wordpress.com/ and Kritika at athttps://krivashist.wordpress.com/  and simply must mention,Tricia and Ben at http://en.gravatar.com/threehandsoneheart who demonstrate real fortitude in life. Scott at http://snoozingonthesofa.com/ with his fantastic flair for family humor will leave you in stitches—and he’s not even a surgeon!

I have intellectual bloggers too who I can’t leave out of “My Attic” like Joseph at https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com/ or the lovely Aquileana from https://aquileana.wordpress.com/ and the equally lovely and funny, Mindy at  https://mindykdickerson.wordpress.com/ and of course I claim another math wiz (like Joseph) a WordPress favorite of mine…https://mathemagicalsite.wordpress.com/ who impresses me no end.

Then there is the real deal (no not in poker), Mitch from http://mitchteemley.com/ the well written Mike at http://mctuggle.com/ and the equally well written Charles from https://charlesfrenchonwordsreadingandwriting.wordpress.com/ plus the erudite Eric at https://notesfromanarcissist.wordpress.com/ or the wonderful Raymond from http://axelthekey.com/ and the not to be missed http://listofx.com/ or the never to be forgot—my idol and mentor—the great Paul Johnson, whose alter I worship, at  http://thegoodgreatsby.com/2011/11/03/the-take-a-sip-punctuation/ which I’m certain is located somewhere in, China.

This could have taken you all weekend to read, and I knew you didn’t have time for that. But, I hope you’ll see what I was trying to say to all of you wonderful people—many of whom I failed to mention because if I’d tried, I might still be here until 2096!

But, for those of you whom I didn’t mention—because some of you who I read, don’t even try to read my blog, or even care that I write—please know that you never go unnoticed by me for taking that precious amount time out of your very busy day—in order to make my day better.

And for those of you who do read my blog, I can’t thank you enough for ignoring actor Steve Martins Blog in favor of mine —he’s so jealous.

I wanted to let all of you know how much I wish I could read each and every post you publish, followed by me pressing the like button on your various posts after commenting on them. Unfortunately, this is not humanly possible. Which is also why I have applied for super hero status to be granted to me.

I know you crawl around “In My Cluttered Attic” in hopes of finding something entertaining to read, and all I do is reciprocate with silliness. So, I feel this thank you is hardly adequate for all the knee problems you’ve suffered on my account. However, I’m very popular with orthopedic surgeons!

You certainly deserved an honorable mention here, but I hope you’ll all settle (out of court) for this incredibly shrinking list of survivors from my blog instead. These are only some of the folks who have visited my blog on multiple occasions (and perhaps numerous mental health professionals as a result), and are now counted among the walking dead. As more of you are discovered I will add you to the list. Believe me when I say, I was once wracked with enormous guilt:

https://tienny.wordpress.com/ … http://allisonmaruska.com/ … https://traceyfisher11.wordpress.com…/https: https://dorothydekok.wordpress.com/2015/04/01/be-your-own-editor///hallenterprises132.wordpress.com/ … http://themiddlestsister.com/ … http://benjamindraws.com/ … https://writerfor365.wordpress.com/ … http://tonyburgess1969.net/ … http://wholedotcom.com/ … https://coldchickensoup.wordpress.com/ … http://nursekellyknows.com/ … http://cindyknoke.com/ … https://mercedesmosaics.wordpress.com/ … https://gauravchaplot.wordpress.com/ … http://bluchickenninja.com/ … https://rainefairy.wordpress.com/ … http://aniketsharmaphotography.com/ … http://2classysisters.com/ … https://quotesandlyrics.wordpress.com/ … http://storiform.com/ … http://www.baffledbaboon.com/ … http://deepruts.com/ … http://autism-mom.com/ … http://kindcotton.com/ … https://tripleclicka.wordpress.com/ … http://danhoger.com/ … https://jotraveller.wordpress.com/ … https://bloggingforme71.wordpress.com/ … http://jkfalkner.com/ … http://moviejoltz.com/ … https://jacobemet.wordpress.com/ http://finallyawriter.com/ http://cindyknoke.com/

Now, would someone please be kind enough to call an ambulance…I think there is a good chance I should go to the hospital for being so long-winded! (and…exhale).