No Post Today And It Is Not Open To Debate

This being Friday and all—and the weekend being upon us—WordPress would probably like nothing better than for me to do a post. Someone in Timbuktu once said, “WordPress always benefits whenever ‘The Attic’ goes to post. That is in no way an outlandish statement—see, I am not a politician.

But, as I told WordPress, if Donald Trump refused to do a debate last night because Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly was going to be a moderator, then I couldn’t do a post today! No particular reason, I just like to do and say crazy things because it sets me apart from the rest of the crowd.

And I simply refuse to debate this issue with any fellow blogger, so there.

It’s not like I care for Fox News or Megyn Kelly—I’m more a CNN Erin Burnett kind of guy. No, this is all about not making a point of not having a point to make.

It just so happens that I believe it’s important to do something pointless whenever one is trying not to make a point at all.

Oh, and by the way, if WordPress really wants me to contribute a post to their platform today, they better cough up $5 million dollars to my favorite charity—ME! Talk is cheap, but writing cheap talk with real words is gonna cost me a lot of gray matter.

Also, I’m basically skipping out on today’s post because I think WordPress has been unfair to me of late. They’re always changing their platform around, thus making it more difficult for me to write nonsense like this, which has no bearing on the Presidential campaign, I might add—but I never subtract.

However, if they apologize, I might reconsider coming back and writing something more absurd than this.

So instead of showing up to do a post on WordPress, I’m just gonna go down to the Vets office. See, I want the veterinarian to donate to MY cause as well—the shots for my dog are costing me a mint!

Now I’ve not heard any of my rival blogger’s calling me a bimbo or anything like that. Or that I don’t write real good, or that I don’t make any sense—besides, my writing never makes any cents because I’m a poor sap writing at WordPress. However, I’m sure they’ll be lots of name calling after they get a load of this bull.

All I do know is, I’m the best unpaid writer at my blog, and I’m nobody’s apprentice!

Furthermore, I won’t resort to name calling of any kind—I’ll leave that to ‘The Donald.’ I can’t resort to name calling anyway, I don’t know anyone by name down at WordPress.

And as for any reader out there who might feel offended by my blathering on here? Well, all I’m going to say is; I’ll likely get more views and comments than any of you today.

Why you ask?

Because you’re all gonna be so ticked off at me when I tell you; I only wrote all of this crazy, shocking, controversial stuff as a way of drawing attention to my blog and myself.

You see, I don’t have weird hair like Donald Trump. That’s why I wrote a strange post, in order to stand out from the rest of today’s posts.

How else am I going to get attention if I’m not going to take this blogging thing seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Occupation: Stand-Up Politician

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So you say you want to go into political theater as a stand-up politician and make gobs of money, while messaging your humongous ego.

You could be forgiven for thinking comedy comes naturally to stand-up politicians, as opposed to stand-up comedians. I’ll not bother to mention that finding a stand-up politician is practically impossible to do.

Sure, some politicians have shown a real flair for stand-up…uh…fall down comedy. Note our gifted late President, Gerald R. Ford. You might say he was a natural.

Whether he was slipping on the stairs while exiting Air Force One, or falling on the slopes, his pratfalls looked accidental. But, what if those falls were no accident? What if he was a klutz by design?

Is it possible President Ford wasn’t clumsy at all, and that all those bumps, slips, and falls were well rehearsed pratfalls?

Someday, researchers may uncover that he actually studied under the likes of Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, and the great Charlie Chaplin.

Some have even suggested “Tricky Dick” Richard M. Nixon, never had to work at mugging it for the cameras. So what if the real truth came out, that he actually rehearsed morning, noon, and night in front of a bathroom mirror. Not so hard to believe, is it?

Maybe that could explain why he was able to say with such comic conviction, “I’m not a crook.” I guess he meant it when he said on the TV show “Laugh In, “Sock it to me” because the country sure did.

Some politicians had wit that seemed effortless. For example; Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy.

Abe Lincoln, once said of his famous opponent, Stephen Douglas, “his argument is about as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death.”

And President Kennedy, “They sank my boat.” to a little boy wanting to know how he became a war hero.

Yet, could it be both were blessed with wit and were the exception, not the rule?

Folks, let us not mix words—as that would require we put letters into a blender leading to an alphabet soup.

Politicians on the campaign trail have to work hard. Unlike elected government officials, who hardly work at all. Campaigning politicians at least have an excuse for not being prepared with solutions to the issues.

How come?

Because countless hours of preparation go into the practice of campaign rhetoric. In order to sell an strategically slung insult at an opponent, one has to sound smooth while doing it. This takes timing, proper facial expressions, and dumb luck if you’re a stand-up politician.

Hours of practicing their NATURAL god given wit—yeah whatever.

But, sometimes they pull it off, “Senator, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.” Lloyd Bentsen, devastating Dan Quayle in a 1988 debate.

And sometimes… they don’t, “You want me to go down there with a mop?” Gov. Chris Christie, responding to a woman who asked him why he was campaigning instead of surveying the snow damage in his state.

The stand-up politician has to be aware of his physical image too.

Be it Donald Trump, when it comes to his hair, or Chris Christie, when it comes to his weight. Maybe someone should tell Chris that the Grover Cleveland Alexander, William Howard Taft look is no longer in vogue, if it ever was.

Or what about Ted Cruz and his double chin. Could it be a triple chin? And what about Ben Carson and those droopy eyelids of his?

Still interested in going into stand-up politics? I didn’t think so. Stand-up comedy is much easier.

Besides, stand-up politicians are a great resource for mining laughs. Ask any stand-up comedian.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Query Letter To My Publisher

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Dear Sirs: Thank you for your interest in my unfinished and—as of yet—un-started novel. Though, I appreciate your interest in what will obviously be an enormous number one best seller, I cannot accept the advance—because I have yet to receive it.

I’m sure this is nothing more than a simple oversight on the part of your accounts payable clerk, and that you are guilt free and completely blameless in the matter.

Not that I would ever presume to tell you how to run your business, but might I suggest a firm talking to is in order, and that I have no desire to see your clerk sacked. At least, not until I have received the full cash advance.

Then you can give him or her the boot as you see fit.

May I also express my gratitude to your editor, who clearly discerned the value of my manuscript—sight unseen—and the potential it has for making you, and your company, more money than J.K Rowling ever imagined.

Particularly after we sign that movie rights deal with Warner Brothers. Their request for the subsequent sequels is perfectly natural.

They must have somehow found out—I can’t imagine who would have told them?—that this will be the beginning of a planned trilogy I’ve been working on, since being inspired by the money the Hunger Games series has been making.

As you know, I needn’t tell you—but I will—the appeal of stories about teens knocking each other off is sweeping the book world.

I only mention this due to the interest shown in my unwritten masterpiece by my good friend, Bradley Cooper. When I showed him a proposed early draft of my novel, he preceded to go to the studio and insist on playing the hero in the piece to my aunt’s sister’s friend’s cousin… Jennifer Lawrence.

But, please don’t let any of this influence you in any way.

Why even none other than, Stephen King, said to me that it was the best piece of fiction he had ever hoped to read. Without my knowledge, Stevie—his closest friends are allowed to call him that—impulsively sent out a theory about what my manuscript might contain… to various publisher’s, who have since sent me offers for millions of dollars.

Naturally, I wanted to give you the right of first refusal… as a professional courtesy.

No doubt, all concerned have informed you of how my manuscript is filled with plenty of sex and violence, and one hell of a plot twist at the end that will have readers talking about it for year’s to come.

I won’t bother you with the story details as you and your attorney’s will obviously need time to draw up the multi-million dollar contract.  Let me just say, that it is enough that you are as excited as I am about what promises to be the biggest selling book to come along since…well since, The Bible.

I hope you’ll accept an invite to sit at my table with George Clooney and his wife, Amal (Whoops! Did I just name drop? We’ll just pretend that that slip of the tongue never happened and just act surprised) at next years Oscar party.

Well I look forward to hearing from you—that the checks in the mail.

 

 

All The Good Subjects To Write About Were Gone

Nothing gets people talking, like what this blog talked about all week long. Nothing. As you probably noticed, no one said nothing about it either, and that’s nothing new. The problem was; I had nothing left to write about, all the good subjects were taken by other blogger’s.

I fear I’ll have nothing to write about for weeks.

Writer’s block can leave you with plenty of nothing to write about. There is nothing more terrifying for a writer to write about, than nothing. Particularly, when everyone else is writing about something. In fact, the only writing I did this last week, was when I wrote comments on other people’s blogs.

Writing comments on subjects other people have already written about is a lot easier, let me tell ya.

Brain-block is a terrible thing, especially when you take up writing a blog. Occasionally, followers come looking for something to read. Its not like when you wrote in some personal journal or a diary. Particularly one that didn’t belong to you.

In those cases no one cares except you, the snoopy mom, the dopey sister, or the ruthless dumb blackmailer who kidnapped your boss in hopes of extorting money from you, or he’d dump your boss in the river—which you let happen, because you didn’t get that Christmas bonus you were counting on.

But a blog…

A blog can open windows, telling you all about people and their personal lives—which is often better than eavesdropping on them. Or about their pets—and possibly more than you ever wanted to know about their personal lives…especially their sex lives.

Blogger’s also write poetry, good and bad… and much worse than bad—”See Rex, see Rex run, see Rex run for fun. Run Rex, run, run, run.” Some blogs, are by unpublished authors talking about books they’re going to write—and never finish…or get published.

Then, they’re the blogs about traveling to places—you can’t afford to go see. Comics—by people with more talent than you; hobbies and crafts—again, by people with more talent than you; Photography—by photographers more gifted than you; and movies and television—by people with more money than you!

Then there’s me—the blogger with no post. Because, they’re no subjects left worth writing about.

Oh sure, the blogging community left me a few boring subjects I considered toying with. But, they’re the rejects. Subjects, that no other blogger would dare touch with a 12 inch keyboard. Riveting material that could lead to post titles like:

“Aunt Hester’s gall-stone surgery and her sister, Bertha’s, bunions.” How’s that for a Stephen King wanna-be’s poorly written horror novel post? “My work”—good for two or three words, maybe a complete sentence!

Or, I could write about, “Sleeping Habits of the Sandman deprived Narcoleptic.” Oh here’s a good one,  “Small Talk and the Weather…conversation starters that won’t get you noticed.” And finally, “How Facebook allowed—Big Jim Martin, my next door neighbor—into last nights nightmare.”

No…I think the good subjects are all gone folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why New Year’s Resolutions Should Be A Thing Of The Past

Hello everyone, I’m back and busily working on my blog again. I’ve also started catching up on what you’ve all wrote while I was enjoying family and friends during the last two weeks.

So I began thinking about what usually happens to us all when we start a new year. That of resolutions and making for a fresh start.

Human-beings tend to feel that beginning a new year is a perfectly suitable time to start solving the problems that have nagged us since our last New Year’s resolutions. Animals… not so much.

'You chewed up my list of new years resolutions! Good boy! www.cartoonstock.com

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Here are some typical resolutions?

Promising to drink less during the coming year. However, when you think about it, that is one resolution doomed to failure right from the start. Consider this; who wants to get dehydrated? I believe that makes my wife’s resolution for me to stop drinking beer this year, kind of a silly request.

Water? What’s that?

Then there’s the resolution we make to spend more time with our families. Really though, with the whole family having just finished spending an entire Christmas break together, we have to ask ourselves, can we really improve on a good thing? I think not. Besides, there’s all those bowl games I have to watch.

Also, the family needs time to play all their new video games, plus show off the stylish fashions they received for Christmas.

Another resolution we have trouble keeping has been that of getting out of debt and saving money. That is one resolution that never makes sense. Can anyone truly get out of debt, especially when we start receiving credit card bills for Christmas shopping, in January.

Use cash you say? What’s that?

And then there’s that old standby of going on a diet and getting fit. How on earth can anyone possibly succeed at doing that, what with all those commercial breaks during football games suggesting we snack on chips and soda?

I seriously doubt any of us can truly resist such subliminal messaging for a Pepsi and some Doritos.

No, I think we better give up the whole idea of a New Year’s resolution. Instead, why don’t we consider making resolutions at any other time of the year… except New Year’s! Maybe then we won’t meet with so much failure.

Then we can say; a New Year’s resolution? What’s that?

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome To The First Friday Of 2016

First of all, please ignore the post date of—JAN. the 2nd—that’s just WordPress trying to be funny—note I said…trying. The actual post date was Friday JAN. 1st.

I know this to be true, because I posted it at the end of the Rose Bowl game.

Apparently—at least according to WordPress—the game is no longer played on New Years Day!

Anyway, last January I decided to explore the INNER workings of a cluttered mind—MINE—by way of a blog.

I thought this would be better than writing about what’s usually ON my mind—that of hair follicles and scalp treatments. Something the FDA (The Food And Drug Administration) has seldom approved I write about.

Normally, such an epic scatter-brain journey to nowhere would beckon me to take notes. But, that kind of idea often requires a more organized thought process—and my cluttered mind is not generally known for that kind of thing. So instead, I opted to try doing a blog.

I felt posting on my new blog—semi-regularly—would connect me with an eclectic group of followers equal to my affliction with chaotic thinking. Yet, nothing could have been further from the truth.

Instead, what I did collect—as follower’s—proved to be the remaining highly intellectual few, who still happen to be in possession of their own faculties—alarming to most members of academia.

Oddly enough, they also seem to share a silly bent for ridiculous humor.

This has made for some regularly comical back and forth commentary from my many readers—who I like to call… the chosen few.

Their often hilarious responses to my ludicrous posts, tend to enhance my own simpleton style of writing.

None of which (for the obvious reasons) have yet to be collected together in such prestigious Ivy League School libraries—as Princeton, Harvard, Yale, and Dartmouth.

But, I feel it only a matter of time before some third world country see’s the value of my posts, and haphazardly gathers them all together into one of their own non-suitable library collections.

Thus, sparing society from a fate some doomed WordPress readers failed to avoid.

So, after having had a very busy Holiday Season—whereby I added several inches to my waistline while doing precious little writing—I decided to dispense with any 2016 New Years resolutions.

I probably would have abandon them long before February, anyway.

Instead, I have decided to start this January by reading more of your blogs, while continuing to eagerly read those blogs whom I already follow on a regular basis.

Of course, I’ll continue to try and write more incoherent ramblings for my poor misdirected readers—who unfortunately fell into this void left by the ever changing WordPress hierarchy.

And to those loyal folks who do follow me, I’d just like to say…

Thanks for getting stuck here folks!