A Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction

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He knew the instant he slid his butt into the chair that it was meant to be. After all, how could anyone sit in front of a computer without a chair? With this perfunctory action comfortably out of the way, it became clear what he was supposed to do. But how?

Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction, that’s how. And exactly what is A Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction, you ask?

A cryptic book providing guidance for any man when in doubt as to what it is he should be doing. All men are equipped with one—at least as far as I know.

It’s a fact (well, NOW IT IS) that a man should subscribe all of his unconscious thoughts to this book—that is, when the television isn’t on which as any wife will tell you is the true source of all man’s knowledge. Well, my wife will swear by that anyway.

Also—as a man who has never read the book—it’s internal—I noticed that it states on page 6 section 12 paragraph C…

“Occasionally it is good for a man to have an idea and go do something about it—so that his wife will know he’s still breathing.”

I guess that’s why they call it A Man’s Mystical MANual of Instruction because without it males would probably go out and do something absolutely stupid—and ironically we sometimes still do.

Like the time when I was a boy of eight and (foolishly) tried to go jump a picket fence, but it was in the manual so naturally I went and did it.

You’ll never convince me the reason I had a high pitched soprano voice for the next twenty-five years, was because of some adolescent hormonal change.

Puberty my ass!

Nevertheless, that’s what A Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction does for you. It tells a man what it is he’s supposed to do… even when it defies all logic—LIKE ATTEMPTING TO JUMP OVER A PICKET FENCE LIKE AN IMBECILE!

You want an example, huh? Alright, let me think of one… I’ve got it!

Boing Boing

Boing Boing

Fabio! Now there’s a guy who was born to look into mirrors… and occasionally do commercials.

That’s the stuff mystical manuals are made of!

You say you want another example? Jeez, you’re a demanding group of readers. Hmm…

Alright, how about, Bruce Jenner?

Now there’s a guy who went on to win the men’s decathlon. Of course, Caitlyn Jenner came along later and changed everything and I do mean… EVERYTHING!

Naturally, after that, Bruce was immediately bounced from the man rolls and given his walking papers, never to subconsciously consult A Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction ever again. But rules are rules.

Hey, don’t blame me it’s not my fault. I didn’t create the Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction—only the rules found in it. It’s up to you guys to follow the rules.

Just remember, though, I’m not the guy who was a guy who became the woman who changed the guy into a woman… LITERALLY!

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah… so back to the guy sitting in a chair in front of his computer. Now this guy, his thing, the thing he was born to do (as recorded in… the Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction), turns out it was his destiny.

And it’s a good thing too, because imagine if he wasn’t meant to do it? That means some other poor sap would have gotten stuck with that fate. Why this guy might still have been sitting in front of his television (snoring) if he hadn’t discovered his true manifest destiny?

That’s right, you heard me correctly—and if you did, you’ve really got great ears because I only wrote that part—IT WAS HIS MANIFEST DESTINY! Uh… accompanied by an epiphany, which we’ll get to later.

Turns out, that was my manifest destiny.

Now I know all this is hard for you to believe, but there it is in black and white on page 4,234,592,001,632, section 7, paragraph D of my personal copy of A Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction and it states, and I’m quoting…

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Shutterstock.com

“The guy in the chair in front of his computer—that would be me—as listed in the “In My Cluttered Attics” blog post dated Monday, January 30, 2017—will discover his manifest destiny and this will lead to his having an epiphany—which might have to be removed later by means of brain surgery.”

And what exactly was my manifest destiny—excluding the epiphany? It was for me to become one of the early pioneers responsible for the expansion of America—by way of the information highway.

Huh?

Okay, so I missed the appointment with manifest destiny by over a hundred years.

That’s a good thing, though, because it also meant that I avoided the challenging—if not virtually impossible—journey to expand 19th century America by way of the, as yet, unpaved information highway.

Now I know what you’re thinking here, you’re thinking: “Please no more I can’t take it!” But we all have to press on… there’s no turning back now!

Why you ask?

Well, what else would you have me do, refer you all to the National Hieroglyphics Channel on the subject? You know they did a special on this topic back in 69 B.C. However, oddly enough, they never ran the episode again? Also, the DVD hasn’t come out on Amazon yet either?

Guess they’re waiting for the directors cut.

So… we have no choice but to press on… TOGETHER… because I don’t wanna have to recount this whole affair all by myself.

Anyway it’s just as well,. You see A Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction has never recommended a National Hieroglyphics Channel episode ever.

Well… not one originating in my unconscious thought process, anyway.

And what about those episodes originating in my conscious thoughts, you ask?

That’s one I’m too afraid to think about.

All the same, I haven’t finished my post here yet, and I’ve established a quota of about thousand words, which should leave me about three hundred more to go. So just wait where you are folks, we’re almost there, and then you can go to the bathroom and tinkle.

Now cutting to the epiphany part of the manual—it’s listed in the bibliography section.

So this guy (Moi), suddenly comes to realize that his manifest destiny of expanding 19th century America (through the information highway) has passed him by. That’s when I decided to get on the internet and head out west.

Then I discovered that the early pioneers stopped expanding westward when they hit the Pacific Ocean—imagine that, who knew—probably because their Conestoga wagons weren’t water-proof.

Suddenly the epiphany struck…

“I realized I didn’t need a water-proof Conestoga wagon to expand 19th century America. All I really needed was Google Maps… well, and Minecraft!

That’s right… with Google Maps and Minecraft I could set out to blaze a whole new trail.

So I started (and ended) by extending the old Oregon Trail to a point out in the Pacific Ocean 40 degrees North Latitude by 130 degrees West Longitude, where the Feds finally caught up with me for loitering on (my now derelict) oil platform.

They ordered me to cease and desist (can you believe it?) in the telling of this tall tale which for some reason has resulted in my growing a rather long nose?

Giphy

GiphyAlright, so Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction can sometimes lead you astray—like out into the middle of the Pacific Ocean.It ain’t perfect.

So, what does A Man’s Mystical Manual of Instruction tell us about man and his occasional lapses in thinking?

That perhaps man is not perfect after all, and all because of his inner mystical manual of instruction… BEING OBVIOUSLY DEFECTIVE!

Therefore…

Maybe we shouldn’t blame man—who is a marvelous creature (sometimes) for all of his illogical thinking, but instead, blame his DEFECTIVE AND BROKEN MANual!

Just for the record… my wife says that last part is just a whole bunch of poppycock.

See, what did I tell you? GOTTA BE THE MANUALS FAULT.

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Psst… Wanna Hear A Secret?

So have you figured it out yet? You know… my secret? Did you catch all the clues I left you? Alright then, did you catch just a few of the clues I left you? None of the clues I left you? Have you even bothered to review all the clues I left you?

Well why not? Oh I see, you’ve just been reviewing all the clues I left you. And you still came back? Are you sure you’re alright? I mean, maybe you outta sit down?

Okay, so you’re alright? Phew had me worried there for a minute, especially since I haven’t really left any clues. But I do have a secret.

ONE SECRET.

Well actually I have more than one secret, however, that ONE SECRET if I were to tell you that one secret, might eliminate the need for my disguise. What disguise?

Why… my red nose, silly!

Anyway, that means my one secret is gonna have to remain a secret. Not that I’m a huge celebrity, I’m a skinny one… with a slightly expanding waistline.

Besides I couldn’t pose for a photograph with any of you much less sign an autograph, because I don’t think that’s possible on this blog.

Now on the other hand, I could tell you about my wife’s BIG SECRET. The one about her BEING A CELEBRITY who occasionally gets recognized when we go out.

The wife, signing autographs.

The wife, signing autographs.

Then again, she made me swear never to tell you that secret… even in hushed tones.

Probably because she really does sign autographs for people and pose for pictures with them.

But she doesn’t have a blog—I got her there!

Still, I probably stand a better chance of getting into a photo only if I photo-bomb someone else’s photo op, so she actually has the edge there. You might say I’m an acorn in my wife’s shadow.

Here I’ll give you an example of what I mean, and this actually happened.

Once we were on this Monorail (I’ll let you guess where), and this family recognized my wife—yeah, sunglasses and all!

The wife, sunglasses and all!

They asked her if she wouldn’t mind posing with them for a photo. I was asked to pose, too. No doubt, an afterthought.

Anyway, I thought, “Sure, why not.”

Except, I made the mistake of stepping off of the monorail—thinking that my wife was right behind me—and then the monorail doors closed BEHIND ME. I gotta get the name of that joker.

The acorn in her shadow.

The acorn in her shadow.

Anyway, as the monorail left the station I was left thinking about what might have been, as my wife remained on board with the family and posed for pictures with her fans.

Naturally this left me (the acorn) standing there with nothing but egg on my face—and a red nose.

True story and no longer a secret as everyone at the monorail station—who were all laughing—will attest.

But hey, that’s what we comedians do we make people laugh—even when we don’t get paid for it!

You know, now that I think about it, maybe I should have kept this… A SECRET.

Sherlock: It’s “The Final Problem”

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Don’t Get Murdered While You’re Wearing an Alarming Shade of Pink. SH

I love this show so much, and obviously, a great many of you probably do as well.

That’s why I had to take a moment to recognize another blogger who frequently comments on Sherlock, and who also has a magnificent gift for insight. She truly offers a unique perspective on a variety of shows and movies.

Sherlock happens to be one of them.

First of all, you are probably aware that tonight’s two-hour episode of “Sherlock” may not only be the season final, but perhaps the series final.

Sure, the series may have run its course, but when it was good it was very good, and if this is the end I think we all hope it offers a satisfying conclusion.

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Back in 2010 “Sherlock” made superstars out of its leads Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman, both of whom are practically everywhere now, and largely the reason for such speculation.

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Rebloggy.comwriting crisp and clever, jammed with so much material, it was amazing writer’s, Mark Gattis (who also plays Mycroft Holmes, Sherlock’s older brother) and Steven Moffat were even able to cram in so much minutiae.

Each episode features marvelous deduction sequences which often move so fast, it requires repeat viewings to catch all the crucial and important details.

With two years in-between each series, fans have plenty of time to review each episode!

Mind you, not every episode has been pure genius.

Sometimes the writing for the show has been a little cluttered—like in my attic—but it consistently offers plenty of twist and turns to keep the show refreshing and entertaining.

And unlike my attic writing, the writing on Sherlock actually offer stories which lead to rational conclusions!

However, I’ll continue to work on solving that little problem—but don’t hold your breath.

But back to the blogger whose talent I wish to recognize.

Her name is Andrea, and her blog is named “Crime and Relative Dimension in Space” and here’s the link to it  https://crimeandrelativedimensioninspace.com/2017/01/14/a-few-subjective-truths-about-sherlock-series-4/

Andrea offers some of the best in-depth writing on shows and movies I’ve ever read.

The writing on Sherlock offers truly OUTSTANDING material to review. Not only does her writing uncover a wonderful range of emotions in the characters, but her writing also presents what might be going on inside their heads.

All this she beautifully expounds on while touching on each of the characters true motivations. She expresses their sense of humor, devoted friendship, and of course… that cool sound deductive reasoning Sherlock dishes out per each episode.

She writes as if she were actually in the minds of Mark Gattis and Steven Moffat when they were scripting the material for the show. She’s that good!

Although, Sherlock may be coming to an unbearable end tonight (hopefully a special movie now an then would be nice), I’m hoping Andrea’s comprehensive writing will not, as it offers comprehensive background to Sherlock and other shows.

Her blog also provides insights into novels, soundtracks, games and movies, each with plenty of thoughtful information to critically digest on those subjects.

So again, please check out her blog…

A Few (Subjective) Truths about Sherlock, Series 4

I really think you’ll enjoy it.

 

 

2017… Going Where No Man Has Gone Before

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Best Animations

Captains Log, Stardate 2017.5. Having just left the Delta quadrant, where we finished off yet another peaceful intervention by destroying a bunch of Klingons and their vessels (because they’re bad, and not in a Michael Jackson way), I retired to my cabin slipping into a deep sleep, and began to dream.

In my dream I was with this beautiful female alien… while shirtless, yet AGAIN. Not that that is important to Starfleet in any way. However, this female alien had this multi-colored face and was wearing what appeared to be some sort of ancient space toga.

Why they never wear a typical space suit is beyond me? Then again, I’m certainly glad she didn’t have 14 arms, 5 claws, and 1 eye with no hair, or I can guarantee you I wouldn’t have shed my shirt… quite as fast.

So I was just about to kiss this female alien when Dr. McCoy summons me to the bridge—DARN!

giphyI arrived on deck just in time to witness Bones (Dr. McCoy) debating with first officer Spock on a rather questionable decision he was making as to where our next adventure should take us.

Bones: Spock, have you taken leave of your senses? Go back to earth to the year 2017? Are you out of your ever loving Vulcan mind?

Spock: On the contrary Doctor, I’m in complete control of my faculties, and it’s imperative we go back to earth now… before the wrath of Negan.

Kirk: Spock… McCoy… what’s… happening?

Bones: Jim, you’re doing it again.

Kirk: What? What am I doing again?

Spock: Pausing between your words captain, a pattern suggestive of Shakespeare, but more likely that of an actor hoping to turn all the attention back onto himself, instead.

Kirk: Star Fleet Academy class of 3054. It’s called modulation, Spock, you should try it.

Spock: That would not be logical captain.

Kirk: Of course not. (deep breath) Why earth, why now?

Bones: He thinks it’s full of ZOMBIES, Jim!

(An answer I hadn’t quite expected, but this being space the final frontier and all, and given what we’ve seen lately, I supposed anything was possible. So I remained calm and asked…)

Kirk: Is that true, Spock?

Spock: I’m afraid so captain.

Kirk: He says its true, Bones.

McCoy: But Jim, do you honestly believe earth has been overrun with… ZOMBIES?

Kirk: I don’t know doctor, but if has, I suspect they’ll be passed your skills as a surgeon.

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Spock: Captain I assure you, earth is full of zombies.

Kirk: Of that I have no doubt, Spock, but we’re the U.S.S. Enterprise not the Starship… BIG SURPRISE. It’s true we go where no man has gone before, but don’t you think this is going a bit too far? I mean, I know we’ve had Tribbles before, but this?

Spock: Just back to earth, captain.

Bones: Spock, are you seriously suggesting we ignore Starfleets five year mission for us: to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life forms, new civilizations, and boldly go where no man has gone before? Return to earth to the year 2017 and face THE WALKING DEAD? You can’t be serious?

Spock: Doctor, the needs of the many out way the needs of the few, or even the one—as in your case.

Kirk: Where have I heard that before?

Bones: Why you green blooded, pointy eared…

Kirk: That too.

Spock: Doctor… I have been, and always will be, a fan of The Walking Dead.

Kirk: Now I know I’ve heard that somewhere before, or at least something like it. Bones, can he be fixed?

Bones: Spock?

Kirk: Yes!

Bones: Well I don’t know. I’m a doctor, A DOCTOR,  JIM… NOT A PROCTOLOGIST!

Kirk: Spock, I think Dr. McCoy just called you uh…

Spock: I’m well aware of what the good doctor is implying, captain. But the fact remains, we must change course for earth, before it’s too late.

Kirk: Too late for what, Spock? You mentioned Negan? What’s a Negan

Spock: Not what, captain, who. He walks among The Walking Dead, wrecking havoc.

Kirk: What on earth for?

Tell Tales

Tell Tales

Spock: So he can weaken the series ratings, captain.

Kirk: You mean this Negan is trying to wreck a television series… not earth?

(Just then, I felt myself being shaken awake by…)

Mr. Chekov: Keptan, Keptan, KEPTAN ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

Kirk: Mr. Chekov? Yes, yes I’m fine Mr. Chekov.

Mr. Chekov: Keptan, Mr. Sulu wants to know if we should proceed at warp speed?

Kirk: Warp? Most certainly was.

Mr. Chekov: What’s that Keptan?

Kirk: Oh nothing. Yes, uh, tell Mr Sulu warp factor six. The sooner I’m out of this nightmare the better. I really gotta stop drinking that Romulan ale!