And The Winner Is?

hollywoodreporter.com

hollywoodreporter.com

So far, it has been one wild party leading up to this years award show. Let’s take a look at some of the performances given by our (HOPEFUL) nominees.

Actor Ben Carson:

His performance in “Ben Carson: The Force Awakens” showcases him as an accomplished retired neurosurgeon who writes books about himself.

He barely awakens one day to discover that he himself has become the star of a made for television movie.

Frustrated—because it stars Cuba Gooding Jr, and not him—Carson decides to sleep walk through Goodings’ performance playing a former angry ill-tempered child, who one minute claims he attempted to hit his mother over the head with a hammer, and the next, stabbing a friend for changing the channel on a radio.

Sounds like Presidential material to us.

Unfortunately, he can’t get anyone to believe his claims. This is surprising, seeing as it comes from a supposed politician—and they always tell the truth. Just ask George Washington.

Anyway, his character finally has a chance to boycott the presidential race (which would be very white of him given this years diversity issue, as he is the only person of color running for President), but he refuses to pull out of the race, causing the entire audience to snooze.

This film is only rated G—for suggested (but not real) violence. But, he could be the sleeper of the year—literally!

Actor Marco Rubio:

Rubio plays an (supposedly) attractive, yet unsympathetic character who gets excited at the idea of finishing in second or even third place, but who can’t seem to stop repeating himself in…

“Mad Marco: Fury Road.”

His character eventually goes into denial, unable to admit that he may not even be very popular in Florida—the state where he hails from. Here, he begins to feel irritated that he might never finish in first place—no matter what it is he decides to try.

The film concludes with him resorting to name calling, and referring to his enemy as a con-man.

He begins unraveling, ranting and raving angrily on a news program, flashing a fake smile when the interviewer thanks him for his angry tirade at the end of the interview.

Rubio’s performance ultimately reminds us, that childish behavior (no matter how old you are) is still not becoming of a leader who tries doing stand-up by shouting over his opponent. A good temper tantrum not withstanding.

badgop.com

badgop.com

Actor John Kasich:

John Kasich plays a once abrasive Governor, but who now tries out a more optimistic, upbeat snowball throwing, kind of persona. Only to discover that the real John Kasich is only hiding underneath the facade in…

“The Hunger Games: Mocking John Part-2”

Actor Ted Cruz:

In “Straight Out Of Canada” Ted Cruz, plays a Canadian Texan who passes himself off as an American Hispanic, and whose dad was supposedly from Cuba. The high point of the film comes when it’s demanded that he show proof that he’s an American citizen, and he responds… “Eh?” Will this be his Waterloo?

Some have suggested this is the part Ted was born to play. But, why not? He’s from Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

 

Actor Donald Trump:

twitter.com

twitter.com

In his long and varied career “The Donald” has never been more popular than he is right now.

But, is this matinee idols (in his own mind of course) performance enough to help him finally win? All critics will say is, “Cool Hair!”

After all, only Leonardo DiCaprio has waited longer for such recognition.

Trump, plays a successful business man who tries to alienate practically everyone in his bizarre attempt to  rise to power. He refuses to let immigrants, NBC, Macy’s, NASCAR, Great Britain, Muslims, John McCain, and even his own party stand in his way.

Not to mention Megyn Kelly in a surprise cameo!

Hated by virtually everyone on the planet, Trump— desperate to avoid discussing real issues (since no one else is either)—decides to appeal to the ignorant…

The Republican voters who he calls, “The poor and uneducated.”

When reports surface to support this assertion, he decides to go for broke and threatens to leave his own party to become king of America in…

“Mission Impossible-Rogue Nation”

Any one of these actors might tell you, “It’s just an honor to be nominated.” But don’t you believe it. Because, isn’t winning what this is really all about?

So enjoy the show, it’s only entertainment. This can’t be real politics…right?

 

Time For A Letter

chsrentals.com

chsrentals.com

To the Royal Observatory Greenwich, London:

We believe the following letter was mistakenly sent to us here at Timex by some dope of a blogger. We apologize to you in advance for the few comments our staff put in parentheses, but they just couldn’t help themselves.

We felt you are the real experts on the subject of Coordinated Universal Time (UTC), thus more qualified to respond to this dummy. So we decided to forward this letter over to you folks.

Dear Timex:

To whom it may concern (primarily him); You have been telling us bloggers (and most of the human race we might add) that for quite some time now (like, uh, FOREVER) we only have around 86,400 seconds, 1440 minutes, and 24 hours in a single day to get by on (try… precisely).

Well, I think you folks are just going to have to do a little better than that. (oh really?)

This morning, I awoke to a ton of responses on my blog (we think he means less than half a dozen, but work with him). Now it may have escaped your notice (we can’t imagine why?) that I happen to have a rather popular blog (well, at least he thinks so).

Anyway, I’m finding that 24 hours is simply not enough time for me to read all of the posts by my fellow bloggers (if only he had learned to read), nor is it enough time for me to post on my own blog (it might have helped if he’d learned to write), or even to respond to my many beloved readers—all of whom… LOVE ME!

(Did we also mention he’s delusional?).

Now you may think it funny, giving us bloggers only 24 hours in a day to accomplish all that we have to do (bet it never crossed your minds).

Oh sure, 24 hours may be enough time for an idiot of a blogger (if the shoe fits buddy) to fit all he or she has to do into one paltry (whoa, big word there) day, but not for me.

(Maybe he’s a bigger idiot than we thought? Perhaps he needs more than one shoe? Better make it a pair!)

Listen, I have many readers who follow me on a regular basis (he means he has 2) and I have to read their blog posts, too (they have audio books for blog posts?). These people are my friends (oh we doubt he has all that many friends). In addition, they’re expecting me to provide a quality post for them in return (no human-being can hold out that long).

In addition, my employers expect me to do a decent job (that’s impossible) and get that job done on time (if only we lived in the age of miracles), or not get paid (which likely explains his being unemployed).

This doesn’t take into consideration all the time I have to spend on personal problems (we figure he has more than a few of those). And then there are our kids (dear God, they let him have children?) who need my help from time-to-time.

(To which we can only ask…WHY?).

So guys (apparently, women don’t hold jobs) the clock is ticking (darn, wished we’d said that) and you better get busy figuring out how to give us (him) more than 24 hours in a single day, or else (or else what…more of the same?).

I Think It’s Time For Another Boycott

In the words of Steve Martin “Excuuuse meee” for saying so, but I think Hollywood has a major problem on their hands.

With all the trivial problems our world is facing today like terrorism, world hunger, disease, homelessness, economic instability, racial profiling, growing student loan debt, or a suitable Presidential Candidate, it may have escaped your notice that there is another more pressing problem facing us all.

A lack of diversity among Hollywood Oscar Nominees.

I know, I know, but folks this is a problem and we need to nip it in the bud before it’s too late. So that trip to the bathroom you were contemplating… you can just forget about it! Cross your legs and eyes, because this is a priority one alert taking us to Defcon One.

Jada Pinkett Smith?

What has she got to do with all of this? Well, besides her husband Will not being nominated this year, and all her ranting and raving about other people of color not being nominated… nothing—except for perhaps possibly missing that morning cup of espresso.

pixar.wikia.com

pixar.wikia.com

I mean, the last time I looked, there were not too many Native Americans, Latin Americans, Asians, Europeans, or Mediterraneans nominated either—not to mention illegal aliens (Martians)! Don’t they come in an array of skin colors, too? I didn’t see her pleading their case all that much.

Yep, I’ll bet she was suffering from caffeine deprivation.

And yes, okay, Jada, Will, and many other celebrities of color are having a real tough time making ends meet down in sunny Southern California, what with the cost of living being what it is these days. So obviously, an Oscar nomination might have gone a long way in helping out their cause.

As opposed to just regular folks of color, who have it downright easy in many an inner city location and who could care less about any kind of Oscar nomination. But those folks are just plain whiners anyway.

No, the kind of boycott I’m talking about here is, how this years Academy Awards conveniently ignored nominating any celebrity noses of color. Talk about your total lack of diversity.

Now, I can well understand your reluctance to take me seriously about this, thinking me bias and all. But it should be noted that I am not complaining for myself alone, far from it—even though I do have a nose for this sort of thing and a rather large Red one at that, and who also happens to be a card carrying SAG (Screen Actors Guild) member.

I’m speaking out on behalf of my fellow (SAG) noses of color. Living, breathing human-beings who have no voice at all!

Why in this years Pixar film “Inside Out” alone, there were five fellow noses of color who failed to pick up a single nomination from The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

For example; Bing Bong, whose nose is Pink and who also happens to be a good friend of mine. Now his nose failed to get an Oscar nod. And then there’s Fear (Lavender), Disgust (Green), Sadness (Blue), and my favorite… Anger (Red)—although I can’t figure out why I’m so sympathetic to his exclusion—all left off of the Oscar ballot.

mr.movie review.com

mr.movie review.com I haven’t yet got a clue as to why I’m so partial to Anger?

These noses of color deserved Oscar recognition, too. Like some of the more famous noses of color from films past. The Hulk and The Wicked Witch of the West (both Green), Lassie (Black), and Kid Shelleen from “Cat Ballou” (Silver).

It should be noted that actor Lee Marvin did receive a best supporting actor Oscar. However, Mr. Marvin was a full human torso and so his award shouldn’t count.

LEE MARVIN CAT BALLOU www.filmclub.org COLUMBIA 01/05/1965 CTH27834

LEE MARVIN
CAT BALLOU
http://www.filmclub.org
COLUMBIA
01/05/1965
CTH27834

I’ve taken a lot of your time I know—and when I finish here you’ll all probably run off and set a record for toilet bowl flushes the likes of which has not been seen since… halftime at the Super Bowl. But folks, this lack of color diversity among celebrity noses must come to an end!

Much the same as this blog post.

However, I just felt that it was high time I breathed new life into this Oscar Boycott thing.

I could go on, but you probably want me to stop now.

 

 

 

The Amazing World Of—Toilet Paper!

Most of your are well acquainted with the fabulous product known as, toilet paper. For those of you who are not, you might want to turn over a new leaf.

Aside from its most obvious use—that of TP-ing your enemies house before a rainstorm—there are plenty of other uses for this marvelous product.

For example: I remember this little snot who used to bully me at school. One day he ran out of Kleenex and I knew this would lead him—and his runny nose—racing for the nearest bathroom

With my usual foresight, I saw fit to un-spool all the toilet paper into the toilet bowls, thus leaving him with none to use. However—uncouth scamp that he was—he chose to wipe his nose on my sweater, instead. Not only did this leave me with a silver slick up my sleeve; it also left me with a lot of explaining to do—to the school custodian.

In time, I moved on and discovered some other practical uses for toilet paper. For instance; spitballing can be an enjoyable way to pass time while sitting in the stall of a school  bathroom. Simply wet the tissue and launch it upward. It’s truly amazing how well it sticks to the ceiling.

Did you know that you can cover an entire ceiling with the stuff? Not to mention how it can lead you and the principal to getting better acquainted with one another while sitting together in his office.

espote.uol.com.br

espote.uol.com.br

Over the years creativity set in. Once, I was chewing some gum while sitting in a stall of the office bathroom—a place I had grown quite familiar with—when all of a sudden, I had an epiphany. Fortunately I was on my meds at the time—but that didn’t stop me from getting an idea, too.

I thought; why not attach the gum to a piece of toilet paper and place it on the floor in the next stall?

It worked to near perfection. Eventually some stooge came in and sat down. When he got up to leave, he stepped right on my little trap and off he went. It was too easy. All I had to do now was follow the toilet paper attached to the knuckleheads shoe. Out of the main office I went, through the halls, to the playground, in and out of several classrooms…

Eventually arriving back in the school principal’s…office!

Apparently, I had made one tiny mistake. That of leaving some gum on the floor in my stall, too. My shoe had stepped on the end of the toilet paper I was using. This made it very easy for his bloodhounds—(the very mean) Mrs. Montrose and her maniacal henchman, Mr. Bentley, to track me down.

Thus proving, they weren’t really trackers after all. Just a couple of lucky teachers—leaving me terribly unlucky.

None of my ingenious lies seemed to sway the principal from his decision to put me in solitary, thus forcing me to do hard time in (the truly evil) Mrs. Montrose class—while having to stay after school. Six months of that can have a profound affect on you. It caused me to go straight. Straight back to the bathroom. Where I discovered another amazing use for toilet paper.

Called, wiping your…

Who said school wasn’t educational?