Welcome to Part Two of a new original holiday classic that everyone will be talking about… down at the hobo encampment near the railroad tracks.
“Baxter the Snowman and that Fateful Dance with those Darn Irresponsible Sugarplum Fairies.”
It’s written by a new, but well established, up and coming, utterly BRILLIANT author—who looks remarkably like… well… ME.
Part One of the story introduced us to, Baxter, a partially melted snowman who is living (if you can call it that) on the outskirts of the Egyptian Desert.
One Christmas Eve he encounters three Sugarplum Fairies who are anything but sugar and spice and everything nice.
They ask Baxter to help them in funding their quest to find “The Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” and in return, they promised him a portion of the fabled snowball to replace his current languidly melting lower torso.
As you may recall, the Sacred Snowball is supposedly made of Folgers Instant Crystals, “They’re magically delicious and melt in your coffee… NOT IN YOUR SAND.”
We pick up our story with the ANIMATED Tim Burton now narrating—without having to croon any songs… because he can’t sing a lick.
Take it away, Tim!
Huh? Oh, yeah, right. Let me see… where were we now? Oh yes, I remember.
So without further adieu I present to you, one Dickens of a Christmas Story—Uh.. Part Two.
Baxter (now a slowly liquefying snowman), is telling three odious Sugarplum Fairies that he barely remembers the fable of the sacred snowball, but that his mother sometimes would read about it to him as he was drifting off to sleep—back when he was but a small snowflake in his mothers eye.
Baxter, however, is unaware that the mischievous trio of fairies that he’s encountered were actually fired by Local Fairies Union 79 for dancing poorly without a license.
And, they’ve been using the fable of the “Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” as part of a nefarious ponzi scheme they hatched to defraud people (and snowmen) out of all their worldly goods.
Except items… Made in China.
In fact, the local nomad news recently reported that a Mongolian camel dealer by the name of, Herman T. Zidlemeyer, had actually ran into the three crafty old fairies while he was crossing the desert on a horse with no name.
He said the three claimed an uber driver left them stranded out there with only a snowballs chance in hell of escaping the desert heat.
As luck would have it, they just happened to have a snowball—The Famed Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik! They swapped the great snowball with Zidlemeyer for his horse—who shall still remain nameless.
Zidlemeyer barely crawled back home to his wife who, recognizing the fabled snowball’s value—that of being totally worthless, except for when being used as a MacGuffin in a Christmas fable—told her husband to put it out on the porch of their yurt—or tent.
There, overnight, it melted and eventually became a great puddle.
Today the puddle is better known as “The Oasis of Balderdash.” Of course, it could have been much worse for Zedlemeyer—you could lose your yurt in a deal like that!
Anyway, Baxter, also suffered from brain freezes (a condition not uncommon to snowmen), and he couldn’t remember anything about the nomad news report concerning the Zedlemeyers.
So, wanting to help the LITTLE WINGED HARPIES (Uh… I mean, fairies), Baxter slipped over to an ATM at the “First Dust and Loan of Jeruselum” and fortunately, not having to deal with a frozen account, was able to withdraw every single penny (and married ones too) from his savings—leaving only nickles, dimes, and quarters to his name…
And fifty thousand shares of Frigidaire stock, which at the time, were going for $900.00 a share.
The three (wicked) little fairies were unable to contain their joy at having pulled off a fast one on a (poor but living comfortably) handicapped snowman. So much so, that they made a fateful mistake. They began break-dancing—something no licensed Sugarplum Fairy would ever be caught DEAD doing.
ALIVE, perhaps? But DEAD? No.
However, Baxter, not known for his dancing skills (what snowman is, after all, they don’t have legs, unless perhaps, they’re named Frosty), tried to join in and dance with the larcenous trio of fairies. That’s when Santa Claus came flying in—DOING 95 IN A 35 MILE PER HOUR ZONE!
Naturally, the cops, who were hot on his tail, swooped right in and arrested the whole lot of em—Baxter, the fairies (who were trying to spin away from justice), and old lead foot himself—Santa Claus.
Baxter, was later released on his own recognizance, when it became clear that he couldn’t stand the heat. Even got his corncob pipe from L.L. Bean—BECAUSE SANTA DELIVERS.
Santa? Oh he got off for good behavior.
Well, you didn’t expect a group of elves to go and claim that they saw their bosses name on THE NAUGHTY LIST… did you?
As for those three nefarious Sugarplum Fairies… well they weren’t so lucky.
Seems there was this young pregnant woman riding on a donkey, with her husband walking along side.
There they were, the two of them, in the middle of the night no less, looking for a hotel—or so they claimed. Instead, they managed to bed down in a nearby manger.
The unscrupulous Sugarplum Fairies actually tried to pin this tale on the donkey—dummies. Fortunately, the cops weren’t buying their… FAIRY TALE.
But you will… won’t you?