Many of you may think you know the true story of Noah and the Ark—it was in all the papers. However, recently a survivor of the voyage—a Dutchman (found in a lifeboat) who’s since taken up flying—has come forward and told a reporter here at “The Attic” a very revealing story about Captain Noah.
Did you know—Of course, you couldn’t have as I’ve only just leaked it to “The National Enquirer”—that Noah was actually a halibut fisherman from Norway? It’s true!
Apparently, Noah was really BIG into boats—probably because he had a sweet tooth. Anyway, one day after eating a whole box of chocolates, he went out fishing in the Norwegian fjords in his canoe, the Jonah. Sadly, he and his canoe were swallowed whole by a great white whale named, Moby.
Hard to swallow I know, I mean who names their whale, Moby, right? But it’s gospel I swear, just not during this post—because the Pope reads this blog.
Now, this gave Noah a life-long irrational fear of sharks (which, by the way, were completely exonerated of all guilt in the attack by the Gorton’s Fisherman of Gloucester), and inevitably led to Noah’s repeatedly telling his wife…
“I think we’re going to need a bigger boat.”
However, Noah’s wife was having none of it and eventually grew weary of Noah’s whining about wanting a bigger boat. So one day she finally told him, “If you want a bigger boat, go talk to the lord?”
Noah took her advice and went and talked to Lord Quinton Hooper Brody, First Lord of the Admiralty of Amity Island about getting a loan for an ark. The Lord told Noah, “Why not just go build one yourself and stock it with one set of male and female animals of every kind?”
Noah, being a simple man and not recognizing sarcasm when he heard it, immediately set out to round up all the male and female animals of the world—by two. This ridiculous business took him away from his wife and family for years at a time—400 years to be precise, give or take a year or two. For which his wife was forever grateful.
However, Noah had never built an ark before—in fact, no one had.
This led to Noah having to go down to the local library to get the book “Ark Building for Dummies.” First, though, he had to pay a fine for an overdue book called, “An Idiots Guide to Throwing Chum Overboard into Shark-Filled Waters while Fishing out of a Canoe.”
Copyright, Doubleday Press, 2304 B.C.
Another little know fact came out during our interview with the Dutchman. Seems Noah also created the first press gang when he enlisted his sons to assist him with the building of the ark.
At first, there was an angry debate over the exact dimensions of a cubit.
The argument came to an abrupt end, however, when Noah’s idea of it being only the size of his middle finger was eventually over-ruled by his two boys Ham, and Yam (both named after their favorite foods), when they produced a tape measure and a ruler from under their tunics.
The ship then set sail for a three-hour tour. But the weather started getting rough (thanks to some rather torrential rains, which the national weather service failed to predict) and the ark started getting tossed, and if not for the courage of its fearless crew, Noah’s Ark might have been lost.
During the storm (according to our source, the Dutchman), the ark (which was on its maiden voyage at the time) narrowly averted a collision with an iceberg—hence the Dutchman went overboard in a lifeboat.
But (after 40 days and 40 nights), the ark set ground on the shore of an uncharted desert Turkish mountain named, Gilligan. Eventually, Noah renamed it Mt. Ararat instead—due to possible copyright infringements.
Captain Noah, went on to gain even greater fame though and became a shipping tycoon, realizing his childhood dream of building a fleet of cruise ships. You’ve probably heard of them. Today they’re better known as the “Noahwegian Cruise Line.”