Words To Live By Are Not Always Possible

It all started back when I lost at a game of Monopoly while playing against my brothers.

If only I hadn’t bought those bogus properties. But how was I suppose to know you couldn’t collect money from hotels on Boardwalk or Park Place? Particularly when your brothers land on those properties.

And then there was that other stupid little known Monopoly rule. You know the one. It’s the one that allows siblings (WHO ARE YOUR BROTHERS) to erect hotels on trains whenever they buy railroad property.

I mean who knew?

So right then and there I decided to adopt a whole new philosophy about LIFE—I wasn’t ever going to play that game with them either. Not having enough money for railroad hotels scarred me for LIFE… let me tell ya.

From now on I was going to have new words to live by;  “Never do anything… unless it’s for money.”

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a new philosophy, seeing as the mob, corporations, and politicians had been doing it for years. But I figured, if it worked for them, then why not me, right?

At first, I even made a number of attempts at being an entrepreneur, beginning with a financial effort that backfired on my backside—literally.

One day as my mom leaned in for a kiss, I launched into my first sales pitch ever. I said, “Mom, from now on that’s gonna cost you.”

My quest to become a rich American continued anyway—albeit a bit more gingerly after that.

The next attempt at going into business for myself was not exactly my own idea. Almost an afterthought really. I started collecting empty cans and bottles. Oh… and piggy banks.

Piggy banks, you ask?

Well they didn’t really belong to me, they belonged to my brothers. I would happen upon them after my brothers emptied them to buy sodas for themselves. Naturally, this left me with empty piggy banks, but I did manage to get their empty cans and bottles, too.

Becoming a recycling king left me thirsting for some other financial enterprise to invest in. That’s when I hit on the idea of charging to use the bathroom?

For a small fee, of course.

My family paid me handsomely, too. Why cash flowed in right under the door—as opposed to under the table. Namely because I had removed all the toilet paper in advance of they’re using the bathroom.

This led to a falling out with my brothers. In the end they didn’t sit for it and ultimately beat the crap outta me. Another business venture down the toilet.

That’s when I realized that I needed to start charging for everything.

Want me to eat all my vegetables? Better pay up! Finish my homework? I don’t work cheap. Doing chores around the house? Well I’m not just working for my health here you know! Want the pleasure of my company on a family vacation?

Celebrities aren’t the only one’s who charge for pictures and autographs!

Suddenly I was rolling in cheddar, cabbage, dough, clams—but nothing in the way of cash. You can only eat so much cheddar, cabbage, dough and clams before something’s gotta give, and so I decided I needed a real job. Hardly words to live by—but at least it paid.

And that’s when I was hit with an epiphany, which is better than a barcalounger—which really hurts!

Instead of “Words to live by” I thought; Why not find A WORD to live by.” And that’s when I decided on the word… WRITER. I figured, if it worked for John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Truman Capote then why not me, right?

Now, back to another game of Monopoly with my brothers.

CHANCE? Go to jail, go directly to jail, don’t pass Go, don’t collect $200!

john.do

john.do

“Hey guys, do the Monopoly rules allow me to collect money while I’m in jail?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anozer Zession On Za Couch Wiz Za Good Doctor

“Just think, two months ago I was this almost popular blogger with over 12,000 hits. Not even Elvis would have made such a claim—not that he’d ever would have wanted to either. But, I also had fifty fellow bloggers whom I followed on a regular basis—WordPress doesn’t allow for more—dictators.

And, I myself was followed by over 450 other bloggers, none of whom were stalkers—phew, what a relief! However, I will say, that even they couldn’t explain why they followed my blog. But, that’s probably not important, right?”

“So anyway, here I am lying on your couch again, admiring the ceiling tile as if it were the Sistine Chapel—minus the work of Michelangelo, of course.

“Doc? Did you hear me? Doc?”

Must have drifted off again? Does that a lot whenever I’m here. Poor mans gotta be overworked.

Wonder if he dyes his mustache and goatee to match that salt and pepper colored hair of his? And why do therapists always seem to wear small wire rimmed glasses with thick coke bottle size lenses? I’ve got it… they’re born with a pair!

“ZAT VILL DO MY BOY!” That’s Doctor Auguste (pronounced, Ahgoost). My therapist.

Me: Oh hi doc! Thought you’d dozed off again. W a i t  Ah  m i n u t e… you just read my mind! How’d you do that?

Dr. Auguste: I zink zat I am za von who is zuppose to be asking za questions here? Zo I ask you again, vhat brings you into za office to zee me zis time?

Me: My wife. Hey doc, you were out for a long time there?

Dr. Auguste: Vell zat explains who… vate za minute. Vhat do you mean I was out for za long time? How long is za long?

Me: I don’t know.

Dr. Auguste: Now zat I can believe.

Me: About two months.

Dr, Auguste: Oh vell that’s not so… TWO MONTHS!!! Oh for goodness zakes zat is a long time! Vee really haz to do zomezing about zee’s zessions of yours.

Me: Maybe you could try that mind reading trick on me again. You know the one where you try reaching into my subconscious mind?

Dr. Auguste: No, I zeriously doubt zat zat vill verk. You zee, you don’t haz von of zoes.

Me: Oh well. But hey, that’s still a pretty cool trick you have there, doc. How’d you do it?

Dr. Auguste: Vell I didn’t tell “Vienna’s Got Talent” how I did it, zo I zeriously doubt I’ll be telling you how I doz it, eizer. Never za less, zare must be zome reason vie your vife brought you in to zee me? Zink. Vhat reason could she have for vaunting you to zit back on za couch again?

Me: Well, all I know is, for the last two months she’s complained all I ever do is write in my blog. Oh… and read posts from my little friends.

Dr. Auguste: You haz za little friends, too? Zo you zuffer from za leprechauns halluzanations as vell? Zat vood be bad.

Me: No silly. That’s what my wife calls my blogging buddies.

Dr. Auguste: Oh zank goodness. For za minute zare, I zought maybe you really were out of za mind. Zo zen vhat happenz?

Me: Well, she said she couldn’t take it anymore and asked me to take a break from blogging.

Dr. Auguste: And zo you did, right?

Me: Yep, I even staked out a spot on our sofa where during the last two months I drank lots of beer and ate a ton of fast food. Probably expanded my waistline two full sizes!

Dr. Auguste: Yez, zomsing to be proud of for sure.

Me: You know, she’s even complained about me walking around the house in my underwear with only a robe on. My robe barely fits.

Dr. Auguste: I zee, very zexy.

Me: Really?

Dr. August: No. But continue.

Me: Okay. Maybe it’s because I’ve tried to grow an unkempt beard. You think?

Dr. Auguste: Trying? No, yooz already zuczeeded zare. No, I’d zay zare mus be anozer reason vhy she brought you to zee me.

Me: Hey, (SNAP!) I’ve got it!

Dr. Auguste: I only hopes zits not contagious. Vhat?

Me: I think she misses my blog!

Dr August: Are you nuts? Zats just clazy! Nobody mizzes your blog! You mus trust me on zis.

Me: No, no, no she really does miss my blog. She even said so.

Dr. Auguste: She even zaid zo? I zink maybe it’s time she came in and zat on za couch as vell!

Me: But its true doc. Just last week she changed her mind about me taking a break from my blog, and went so far as to beg me to start writing in it again.

Dr. Auguste: Zat is incledable!

Me: Yes. But having not written in my blog in nearly two months I couldn’t think of a single thing to write about.

Dr. Auguste: Ah ha! Zo you are zuffering from za empty-headed zing again! I knew it!

Me: I guess so. But what can I do about it, doc?

Dr. Auguste: Vell, how za about you vite about za very virst zing zat comes into za head.

Me: Oh I’ve already tried that.

Dr. Auguste: And?

Me: And the fly just flew in one of my ears and out the other.

Dr Auguste: And zat left you wiz za buzz?

Me: Yep. But still no idea what to write about.

Dr. Auguste: Vell vee can’t haz zat now, can vee?

Me: Can we!

Dr. Auguste: No. Ozervize, vee haz you in here all za time. No, I zink you haz to start za viting process vite avay.

Me: But how doc, I haven’t a clue what to write about?

Dr. Auguste: Here, I zuggest you try taking za notes from zis zession. Go now, go, go anz vite your next post wiz my compliments!

Me: But doc…

Dr, Auguste: No, no, I inzist. Bezides, I zink za time is up for zis zession. Please check viz my zecratary, Helga. She vill give you anozer appointment… might even be by za next year! Zo, buh-bye until za next year!

imgur.com

imgur.com

 

I’m Moving Up The Literary Ladder

live-av.info

live-av.info

So maybe I do demand your undivided attention… even while you’re asleep. Yes, you might want to erect a statue to me… for no apparent reason. And no, I won’t discourage you from bowing down to me when you hear my latest plan for moving up the literary ladder.

Why do I have such ridiculously high expectations from all of you? Because I’ve decided to be a big time writer.

You’re probably thinking to yourself; Paul, a big writer?

How could he ever hope to compete with the likes of Carlo Alessandro Agostino of Milwaukee, who writes about his obsession with the Wienerschnitzel down the street. Or Helga Smitzer Schulz of Rome, who  writes volumes about her Italian heritage.

But you couldn’t be blamed for thinking of Melvin Elimelech Swimmell of Japan, who writes Greek mystery novels in Yiddish.

Then again, maybe you had some smaller named writers in mind, like Agatha Christie, Mark Twain, or John Updike.

Or could it be you were thinking of some big name moneymaking novelists like James Patterson, J. K. Rowling, or John Grisham? I’d love being in the company of their money. But, what is it that sets me apart from all these renowned writers, you ask ?

It’s because I write something every single day.

Unfortunately I only press the publish button for a post only about every two weeks. But I bet Jane Austin can’t say that!

So take that you big name authors who only publish books every other year or so. And you call yourself a career writer?

I’ll show you a career writer.

What about me writing my son’s name on his lunch bags every single day—including Saturday and Sunday. Or what about those grocery lists I do for my wife—with items my wife happen to forget, like beer and chips.

What about those love notes to my wife, lovingly left under her pillow and filled with copious amounts of bad grammar and poor punctuation.

And then there’s those nasty letters to the power company where I complain about how they spell my last name wrong, and yet they still expect me to pay!

But that’s what I call a career writer.

However, I realize many of these so-called big name authors might counter with the claim that they get paid to write, and are therefore, ahem, professional writers. Bet they think they’ve got me over a barrel with that one.

Well I’m happy to report that I do get paid to write. Yes. that’s right, you heard me correctly… I get paid to write.

You see, I’ve learned that if you write and ask people for money they just give it to you. I think they call it extortion, blackmail, or something like that. But then who cares… as long as it pay’s, right?

Anyway, give me enough time and I bet I could turn it into a real proper profession. Yep, I’m gonna be hitting the big time for sure real soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If You Want My Opinion

Meopinion.com

Meopinion.com

Have you ever noticed how people these days seem to have an opinion on everything? If you have then you’re one of the lucky ones, because most people tend to have more than one opinion.

So, how did multiple opinions actually start?

Well—and this is just my opinion—it all seems to date back to when the first patients went to go see a doctor for an opinion on their health, only to find themselves unhappy with their doctors diagnosis. That’s when they were told to go get a second opinion.

That led to a third, a fourth, and finally… a fifth—which they promptly consumed in one gulp.

After that, one opinion led to another, and another, and another PERSON… receiving multiple opinions. This, courtesy of people running amok, which I think is short for the mukluks that all the opinionated were wearing on their feet, while spreading opinions throughout the land.

And if this all sounds convoluted to you—well that’s your opinion. But that’s a good thing too, because now at least you have an opinion.

If—on the other hand—you have a high opinion of yourself, how are you able to hold that high opinion of yourself? I mean, seeing as you’re holding it on one hand, but not the opposite hand? And wouldn’t that mean you’re terribly unbalanced individual?

Just a thought.

On the off chance you hold a low opinion of yourself… are you Mini-Me? Just curious, because I’ll stoop to getting your autograph. hqg-52

“Well if you want my opinion…” Now there’s a statement!

Would you really want a second hand opinion? And another thing; why would anyway just give their opinion away? Could it be that it’s totally worthless?

Which leads me to ask. Have you ever thought what your opinion, or opinions might be worth on the open market, and could you get rich by sharing them?

I was once told by someone, that he wouldn’t give me two cents for my opinion. I thought about it for a moment and then replied,

“Okay, what if I were to make that ten cents for a dozen? That way you get 12 of my opinions for only a dime. You save two cents!”

I figured if money was going to be an issue here, maybe I’d better make a deal.

Also, I seriously doubted he’d give me his opinion for free, as he’d already said he wouldn’t give me two cents for mine. That made me wonder how much it was gonna cost me to hear his?

Naturally, I thought it good business sense to bundle a group of mine together at a bargain basement price, before he made me an offer on his I couldn’t refuse.

You know, this post has got me thinking.

Maybe I’ve become far too opinionated for my own good.

 

 

Is It Still Friday The 13th?

wifflegif.com

wifflegif.com

What a day I’ve been having. I’ve been diligently working on fixing a special project of mine, but not my “Clutterland” amusement park idea.

According to my wife, that projects done. Something about our house having already become “Clutterland” and that I had a lot to do with it?

Funny… I don’t recall building the park yet—or even starting it!

Frankly, I think she’s gone back to sniffing glue and hallucinating again, but that’s a story for another time. All the same, I figured if my “Clutterland” amusement park idea was indeed truly finished, then I had time to explore my other big idea.

That of making… a time machine. Uh, the project I’m urgently trying to fix.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re thinking, “Paul, couldn’t you have gone and invented something less ridiculous than a time machine?” Well I did go and create this blog. I’d say that’s a little less ridiculous, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, you’ll never guess what the biggest problem was in making my time machine?

Finding the time to make it. Fortunately, I own a watch and what’s a time machine without a way to tell time, right?

So, with the key ingredient for making a time machine already on hand (so to speak), I found the rest of the pieces just fell into place.

I won’t bore you with the details except to say, that with only 24 hours in a day to work on this project, and my working 8 of those hours for people with absolutely no interest in making a time machine (including my wife), that left me with only 16 hours to eat, sleep, and do my business… in the bathroom.

And my wife informed me that she didn’t want me doing my business anywhere else in the house. So where else was I going to build it?

So here I am…in the bathroom.

However, building a time machine left me precious little time for anything else—particularly those overdue projects my wife was expecting me to do. And what’s more; I’ve been wrestling with where I might go once the time machine was actually finished.

My wife had a suggestion as to where I might go.

But that meant building a heat shield for the trip, and her suggestion was not for a real popular destination anyway… too much fire and brimstone down there. Besides, I hear the place is full of undesirables with one fellow who likes to carry a pitchfork.

So I said to hell with the idea, and she said, “Precisely!” You know, I sometimes think she can be very vague?

Anyway, in preparation for this, my very first trip, I watched every time traveler movie and TV show I could get my hands on. And during this preparation I made a startling discovery.

Did you know time travelers usually set their machines to go back to disastrous events?

Well they do. I guess the idea being; if they set the time machine so that they get there before the disastrous event happens, they might actually be able to alter the outcome.

If only I could do that now.

You see, before I could start work on my time machine, my wife needed to use the bathroom. Long story short; the doors jammed now, and the bathroom window is way too small for me to escape through.

I’m trapped in here. And wouldn’t you know it; my time machines not working.

Seems every time I set the digital coordinates for yesterday or earlier, it always comes up… Friday the 13th!

I don’t suppose my wife could have accidentally preset the date and and removed the key?

In any event, I think there’s a real nasty possibility of my running out of toilet paper before I get out of here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lights Out As “The Attic’s” Virtual Reality Convention Comes to An End

now-here-this.timeout.com

now-here-this.timeout.com

I hated that this was the last day of our virtual reality bloggers convention, but what a party!

The shows, the buffets, the getting kicked out of Caesars Palace for not paying.

Where else can you go to get this kind of entertainment without going to Las Vegas? How about a weird, wild, and wacky site called “The Attic?

Take Thursday night for example: we all went over to the Rio to see Penn & Teller. Poor Suze, http://suziland.net/2016/05/blogging-u/ she was so excited to be here, being that it was her first time visiting one of my conventions.

Didn’t have the heart to tell her—it was everyone’s first time visiting one of my conventions.

Then, she went and got invited up on stage by Penn & Teller, to help out in doing their new vanishing act—no doubt the highlight of her trip.

Had to be disappointing for her when she found she was stepping out of that refrigerator back into her own kitchen. Her trip to Las Vegas, kaput, and her attendance at the convention—sadly over! Oh those crazy guys, is there nothing they won’t do for a laugh?

But at least Suze didn’t have to buy a plane ticket back home.

I was also thrilled that everyone else had a chance to pose for pictures with Penn & Teller in the lobby after the show. Tony https://tonyburgess1969.net/2016/05/07/keeping-up-with-the-bloggers/ Sheila https://humorcolumnistblog.com/2016/05/03/the-savings-place/ and Barb https://saneteachers.com/about/ all wanting to hang out with Elle https://knowleselle.wordpress.com/2016/05/06/hairdressers-and-coincidences/ after the show.

That couldn’t have had anything to do with, Elle, being Teller’s assistant during the goldfish bowl trick (gifts were exchanged, promises made, autographs given), could it? Nah!

I even let Teller and my youngest son pose for a picture with me. They were so thrilled! Why you couldn’t even wipe the smiles from their faces. WP_20140812_053

Later, we ran into Mike https://mctuggle.com/2016/04/27/quote-of-the-day-33/ Sue https://stranscht.com/2016/05/01/the-zone/ and Susannah https://athingirl.com/2016/04/20/columbine-by-dave-cullen/ as they were signing autographs at Starbucks.

Doesn’t everyone?

I got to sign an autograph, too. Used my rubber name stamp on Priceless Joy’s autograph book. Seeing as I didn’t ask for permission to do so, I hope she doesn’t discover it until she gets home.

Later, we ran into Jay https://assholeswatchingmovies.com/2016/05/06/captain-america-civil-war/ Moviejoltz https://moviejoltz.com/2016/04/26/flash-movie-review-a-hologram-for-the-king/ Vinnie https://vinnieh.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/the-stepford-wives/ and Movierob https://movierob.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/swiss-family-robinson-1960/ at the elevator in the hotel lobby, as they were discussing movies they hadn’t seen.

I told them I hadn’t seen Ishtar, and they all laughed and said, “Who has?”

Once upstairs I went next door to wake Beverly before going to bed. I had Beverly https://ghosttalkblog.com/ check our room for ghost. You can never be too careful.

Then there was yesterday. While mingling on the convention floor, I almost felt like a REAL avatar. Almost.

Until I ran into blogging buddy, Scott https://snoozingonthesofa.com/2016/05/05/he-aint-hungry-hes-my-brother/ and his two boys, Buster and Big Man. After that, I didn’t feel much like a REAL avatar anymore.

REAL avatars don’t feel pain. Have you ever noticed how they’re always getting blown up, cut in half, or shot, and still they get right back up as if nothing ever happened.

Well not me and my avatar.

That slice of watermelon got me right between the eyes. I suppose it could have been worse, though.

It could have been a whole watermelon!

It wasn’t malicious and no melee broke out. Buster, Big Man, Scott and his wife were blameless. But I’m an idiot. Totally clueless as to there even being a watermelon toss at my own convention. I apparently forgot to tell myself about it, and so I walked right into it.

SPLAT!

Paul (my Canadian identical twin who looks nothing like me) https://captainsspeech.wordpress.com/2015/06/05/paulos-kitchen-soup/ helped me to my feet—which because of the force of the blow, I got separated from—and he immediately sprinkled salt on me.

I thought it was for luck, but Paul told me it helps make the watermelon taste better. After all, he did bring the beer, pizza, and a moose. So who was I to disagree? Paulo, you’re the best!

By the way, the pizza and beer tasted great. However, the moose took issue with becoming our dinner, so we shipped it back to the Toronto to roam the city wild and free, just as it should be.

It was also great, trying (breathlessly) to catch up with Van, https://vanbytheriver.wordpress.com/about/ who as it so happens, never slows down. She was on her way over to greet Donna https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/04/22/wish-you-were-here/ and Anxious Mom https://thatswhatanxiousmomsaid.com/about/ probably to reminisce over some of my older posts.

Hey, I can dream can’t I?

And looking across the convention hall I spied Aquileana,  https://aquileana.wordpress.com/2016/04/14/%e2%96%bahistory-the-greek-theatre-literature-aristotles-poetics-theory-of-tragedy%e2%ad%90%ef%b8%8f/ who has a beautiful sight on Greek Mythology, and who was holding court with a number of other good folks.

Maja from http://travelingrockhopper.com/about/ Jojo https://theonehandedclap.wordpress.com/about/a-bit-about-lil-ol-me/ and Ally Bean https://thespectacledbean.com/2016/05/05/ally-ally-quite-contrary/ who were having a great time. So I headed over in their direction.

When out of nowhere, Blair http://theshamefulsheep.com/about/ came up and offered me a cup of punch saying “Paul, you’ve gotta taste this stuff!”

So I took a sip… and pow! I went down like a ton of bricks.

Staggering to my feet, I was greeted by my friends, John, https://leonardcartoons.com/2016/05/04/work-party-196/ and Caz, https://cazthecomicstrip.com/2016/04/30/the-birthday-list/ they had been discussing the merits of comics and thought I’d be perfect for being in one.

“Can’t hold your liquor, huh?” They asked.

“I can hold my liquor fine, it’s the punch I’m having trouble with. What in the world is in that stuff?” I asked.

That’s when they suggested that I check out the punch bowl.

I found more than a few of you lying around there, surrounding The Lonely Author https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/about/ who was getting a Birdseye view of the ceiling at Caesars Palace.

Which I found rather odd, since we were all celebrating in the Bellagio.

But there too, lying on the floor, was Erika,  https://erikakind.wordpress.com/about-me/  and Maniparna, https://maniparna5002.wordpress.com/2016/04/30/wordpress-photo-challenge-admiration/  along with Masguatsen, https://thethoughtsandlifeofme.com/2016/04/26/happy-birthday-to-me/

Being me, I naturally asked a silly question…

“Having a good time ladies?” Which, at first, was met with puzzled looks. Then they turned to one another and smiled—while still laying flat on their backs—but then raised their glasses in a toast to me… followed by lots of giggling.

I’d call that a big yes.

Then I got trampled by Peggy from, https://leggypeggy.com/2016/04/23/cienfuegos-and-the-one-night-stand/ Jan, https://jttwissel.com/2016/05/01/out-of-print/ Elaine, https://joyful2beeblogs.com/about-joyful2bee/ Juls, https://theindecisiveeejit.wordpress.com/2016/05/03/keeping-you-in-the-loop/ and Sandi, https://flipflopseveryday.wordpress.com/about/ when they all went racing by for that punch bowl.

Leaving me to wonder if I hadn’t started an AA meeting, instead of a bloggers convention.

Still, what a hoot! But after virtually shaking hands with as many of you as I possibly could (this time), I tripped over the cord to my virtual reality machine, and unplugged the entire convention!

Probably for the better.

Our youngest daughter’s blog https://meliinthecity.wordpress.com/2016/05/05/so-you-think-you-want/ has helped to remind me that, not only has my blog become an oversight in the last month, but so have all of yours.

That means, I’ve neglected visiting your blogs, for far too long.

But not for much longer, as the In My Cluttered Attic road tour is about to begin.

So see you soon folks.

 

 

 

 

The Virtual Reality “In My Cluttered Attic Bloggers Convention” Goes Mobile

So far, we’ve had three wonderful days at the “In My Cluttered Attic” virtual reality convention here in Las Vegas. However, it got a little crowded on Monday at Caesars Palace. Tried to squeeze 3 dozen of us into their tiny 3,500 seat convention hall.

Then security thought my friend, Sarah, and her dog Choppy (a true master of disguise) https://travelswithchoppy.com/2016/05/03/bad-jokes-yoda-edition/ were trying to crash the party.

Then good old George https://theoffkeyoflife.com/2016/03/19/an-unexpected-surprise/ showed up with a class of second graders—George is a teacher. You see, when I said convention, George just raced right over with class in tow.

He’s suspected for some time now that I might just be a visitor from another planet—another universe, George. Its a long story. Anyway, I guess he didn’t want to miss out on the chance to meet us aliens. Security must have thought they’d put us over capacity.

makeagif.com

makeagif.com

So that’s why we’re moving… across the street to… The Ballagio!

Well that, and the fact that Caesars asked us to leave.

Apparently, they were expecting us to pay for all those rooms and, not to mention the convention center.

And I want you to know how badly I feel about the forced march up the strip in our PJ’s after our eviction from the Palace—but our departure was rather sudden.

However, thanks to the wonderful help from Caesars security detail—and the Las Vegas police department—we made it.

Thanks fellas… we wouldn’t have done it without ya.

I didn’t worry too much about Susie Lindau https://susielindau.com/2016/05/02/dissolving-bone-wimping-out-and-shaping-up/ making it up the strip. She can probably ride her bike up Mt Everest if she chose to do so. Possibly run all the way to Reno if she had a mind too. I swear, nothing keeps that woman down.

Nor did I worry about Stephanae McCoy https://boldblindbeauty.com/about/ not making it up the strip, in spite of being legally blind. Steph can probably see all of us better than we see ourselves. And Tikeetha https://athomaspointofview.com/ well she’s tough enough that that big bad trip up the strip presented no real obstacle at all.

I did, however, worry a bit about my friends Jodi https://lifeinbetween.me/2016/05/04/happy-tulips-in-a-jar/ and Lynn from, https://lynzrealcooking.com/2016/05/02/palouse-colors/ as they had a lot of art, photographs, and food to haul up the strip for us to enjoy.

But that’s who they are!

Anyway folks, I think you’ll find the new accommodations here, more to our liking. This time I made sure of it, because it’s virtually paid for. And the desk clerk did promise to get our clothes back to us by Christmas. So all’s not lost.

Just our money, luggage, and dignity.

Nevertheless, I’m sure Bitter Ben, https://bensbitterblog.com/2016/04/29/2-legit-2-legit-2-legit-to-gif-tures-friday-bitter-giftures/ will let a few bitter comments concerning our ordeal show up in his Friday giftures to help ease our pain.

At least we got to pose for some pictures. Can’t say I enjoyed the profile shot all that much. Got my worst side. So I went with the other photo, although it makes me look like I haven’t shaved or ate in weeks. But it’s all about free publicity! Right?

imgur.com

imgur.com

Still, I think I would have fared better if Cindy Knoke https://cindyknoke.com/2016/05/01/have-some-madeira-m-deah/ took our pictures.

She has so much experience with taking photos as she travels the world. In fact, her photos are so good, I’d be willing to bet that a photo shoot with her might deemphasize my nose.

Anyway, I hope you all have a chance to check out the fine “In My Cluttered Attic” merchandise, when you enter the hall.

I’m especially fond of the “In My Cluttered Attic” monogrammed caps. Now you too, can have a Cluttered Attic, just like mine!

Bet that put all your minds at ease.

Well, until the next update…”Stay thirsty my friends.”

 

 

 

Here’s To Exposing My Readers

Welcome everyone. Welcome to the very first day of the “In My Cluttered Attic” bloggers convention! A celebration of those madcap bloggers who crowd into my attic on a regular basis making them the envy of insane asylum inmates everywhere.

(Imagine the applause coming from those padded cells)

I’d like to welcome all of you to the fabulous Caesars Palace here in Las Vegas, Nevada! But I can’t.

BET you didn’t see that one coming?

Yet, thanks to the world of virtual reality (and your imaginations), I can still give you the illusion of being here in Vegas. Just without the fabulous resort hotels, pools, casinos, shows, entertainers, delicious food, and luxury suites that make Vegas…well…Vegas. Otherwise… your practically here!

Now this probably leaves you with a few questions. Like, why am I here? What will I tell my boss when he finds out? Does my family know I’m here? And most of all; is it true what they say, that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

Well not to worry as none of this is real—at least, not as far as you know. It’s all in your mind, I mean… my mind, or up in my cluttered attic where there appears to be no apparent exits. Not for five days, anyway. Making this… sort of a virtual reality bloggers convention getaway.

Now I realize that for many of you this is probably your first virtual reality trip, and you’re probably thinking to yourself…

“What in the world was I smoking that brought me to this, and how the hell do I get outta of here?”

Ignoring your concerns completely, I’d like to kick off this virtual reality convention by saying—as I look out onto your lovely faces, most of whom are reflecting a look of apoplexy at the moment—thanks to all of you, I actually have a reason to write and do a post today. So let me begin by just saying… thank you.

Now if I could direct your attention over to the gentleman in the second row about five seats in, we’ll get this imaginary convention underway.

You sir, yes you, the one with the bag over your head. That’s right. I singled you out to start this convention, because you’re the only one with a bag for a face.

bun karyudo.wordpress.com

bun karyudo.wordpress.com

We’re all about humor here, and…

Bun? Bun Karyudo, is that you? Ladies and gentleman, a nice round of applause if you will for the one, the only… Bun Karyudo!

If only Bun could hear you applauding right now, then we’d all be here for real. But since we aren’t, Bun has to be wondering what that ringing is in his ears.

Bun hails from over at, https://bunkaryudo.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/el-capitan-making-the-upgrade/ and regularly engages me in hilarious banter that always leaves you and myself in stitches. Which ridiculously explains my rising medical insurance.

And there—sitting virtually next to Bun—is Allen Colane of the, https://thecolaneconundrum.com/2016/04/28/tv-shows/ whose comical insights also frequently leave me rolling in the aisle. Allen, if you would please, help me back up and onto the stage since it’s your fault that I am occasionally on all fours.

Oh look! Taking up the entire first row with all her amazing cats, is my long devoted good blogging buddy, Kate Crimmins, who has been visiting my blog almost from the beginning.

Her blog, https://coffeekatblog.com/2016/04/07/blogging-the-agony-and-the-ecstasy/ is a potpourri of humorous takes on contemporary retired life, consisting of trips to Starbucks, backyard adventures, and how her cats and their distinct personalities impact her and her husband, and their daily life.

And I just have to give a big shout out to the three distinguished looking gentleman in sombreros back there, who are signing autographs. I call them, The Three Amigos.

All three gentleman have made regular pilgrimages to my cluttered attic, and offered kind commentary, right from my very first post on! Yes, I worry for their sanity, too. Still, I can’t thank them enough.

Thank you, thank you, thank you…

Mr. GP Cox at, https://pacificparatrooper.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/intermission-8-dr-seuss-the-troops-and-malaria/ who nobly reminds us of the sacrifices our men and women in uniform have made on our behalf.

Charles French, https://charlesfrenchonwordsreadingandwriting.wordpress.com/2016/03/12/favorite-horror-films-of-the-1960s-the-birds/ who is a voracious, reader, writer, and teacher and who consistently touches on a variety of interesting subject matter.

And my friend actor, comedian, director, and humble god-loving gentleman, Mitch Teemley, who can be found at, https://mitchteemley.com/2016/02/05/my-super-bowl-ad-2/

All three gentleman help make writing my posts very enjoyable… and non-profitable.

But they’re not alone responsible for my impoverished state. That’s why, starting tomorrow, I’m thinking of offering merchandise at the door for day two of the In My Cluttered Attic virtual reality convention.

Just think of it. Not only will I continue to recognize and salute more of you on Tuesday (for your regular visits to my blog), but I might even be able to fleece and take advantage of your wallets, credit cards, and life savings, too. That is, if I can get the card skimmers hooked up in time.

OH JOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Desperate To Come Up With A Post To Retain A Few Readers

Having done only one post for the entire month of April—due mostly to a vacation and one trifle after another—I couldn’t wait to get back to doing what it is I truly love and miss most. Working for a living.

ALRIGHT, SO I’M FULL OF IT.

But, I think you’ll understand why I felt that way when I tell you, that upon my return from a recent vacation, I was told by my employers…

THAT IT WAS THEY WHOM I TRULY LOVED AND MISSED MOST.

Naturally, I agreed with them, because they gave me some hush money.

wikivoters.com

wikivoters.com

However, in the weeks since returning home— and falling prey to my employers and their brainwashing tactics, and after washing my mouth out with a high quality bar of soap—I wish to express to you all, that what I honestly loved and missed most, was working on my blog and commenting on your blogs.

HONEST!

Nevertheless, it has occured to me that, maybe some of you were actually GRATEFUL I’d been away, unable to do what it is I truly love and miss most.

Take poor old Herman from Holland, for example; who wrote to tell me how thrilled he was that I was abducted, and never to blog again?

Good old Herman, helped me to realize that maybe I had neglected my blog and all of you, and for far too long. And for what… JUST SO I COULD MAKE SOME MONEY?

Well I felt simply awful, insignificant—and able to pay my bills because of a flush bank account.

Still, horrible thoughts filled my head.

What if Herman (from Holland) wasn’t an isolated case? What if—and I admit it’s only a remote possibility—but what if, there were others who felt the same way about my FORCED absence?

So I immediately began to panic.

Oh I’d had bloggers who abandoned me before, but they were bloggers who had visited my site only ONCE, pressed the like button, only to vanish without ever offering a comment.

Not being one to hold a grudge, I understood these Narcissistic putzes.

Fly by night visitors all. The kind of people who go about reading those lame Huffington Post hyperbole hooks that say something like, “What happens next will terrify you.” Only to click on the site and find themselves staring down the barrel of a Super Soaker.

And this they then proclaim to be… Pulitzer Prize winning material.

Well who needs them! They’re not the kind of visitors I want anyway. Unless, of course, they’re planning on blindly returning to my blog multiple times in the near future.

Then all is forgiven, you fly by night narcissist.

Nevertheless, I was filled with fear and anxiety. The kind of fear and anxiety you feel when you see Dick Cheney walking up your driveway with a rifle wearing a tee-shirt that say’s, “I wanna be your friend.”

Hackwackers.blogspot.com

Hackwackers.blogspot.com

Or the kind of fear and anxiety that fills you with dread when you think; what if Donald Trump really does become President of the United States?

And the same kind of fear and anxiety which drove poor old Herman (from Holland) into hiding…

When he suddenly discovered I’d sent Navy Seals to find him.

Thanks for the horrible postcard, Herman!

Live long and prosper, you dunce. You can run in those clogs of yours—but not very far!

But, back to my immediate problem; What to write about?

I mentioned to my youngest son that I was thinking about doing a post about bloggers who are loyal to a fault.

He responded, “Well dad, I doubt any of you’re readers would want to read about bloggers loyal to something responsible for earthquakes.”

I’ve since decided against asking my youngest son about ANYTHING ELSE. Especially opinions on what to write about—as it is likely to be a total waste of time.

That’s when I had this epiphany—and I’m not even Catholic!

What if I were to do a post on bloggers who continue to ignore the American Medical Associations advice—not to read material found in my attic, as it’s been known to cause irreversible brain damage—and yet they (inexplicably) go on to read my posts, anyway?

Yes, it was a brilliant idea.

Until the heavens opened up, rays of light descended upon me, and I was caught up in the rapture.

Or so I thought, when in fact… I had been abducted by E.T. instead. Thus, ruining a pure moment of blissful genius on my part, and successfully returning me back to my faculties.

And I’m not even a college professor!

Anyway, all of this is just my way of trying to say; that beginning tomorrow—or sometime this year—I’m gonna start gossiping about all of you.

Yeah,and there’s no need to thank me for it—with financial compensation.

And, I’m not going to be gossiping negatively about you, like I have in the past—when I was spreading those horrible lies about you guys.

Nope, no more rumors and innuendos. No more whispering about you guys in the back alley’s, and behind closed doors.

No… I’m going to turn over a new leaf. Hell, I might even start collecting stamps.

And yet, I won’t allow any of that to change my wanting to talk about all of you, in a more positive way.

Now I realize that this move sounds like some kind of bribe on my part. One being attempted by a poor despicable writer, whose blog has only achieved a moderate amount of undue success.

And again you’d be right.

Because this revelation will likely send many of you running out to seek immediate help through electric shock treatments and 12 step programs, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Particularly if it means exposing (I mean exploring) all your wonderful sites.

So just you wait until this weekend folks… because I can’t do anything about it until I get back in town… because my employers have me on a leash.

If only I hadn’t accepted their promise of a steady paycheck. Then I might have tried this act of desperation a little sooner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Picture Should Have Been On The Back Of A Milk Carton

incolors.club

incolors.club

I’m back!

Cue the crickets—chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp…etc.

Well as you probably know by now, I’ve been missing for the better part of the last two weeks, but it’s not my fault. I was abducted, lured away—clawing and scratching—out of my attic… by my wife.

“Snookums,” I said “we can’t go on vacation now. What about my blog, my readers?”

“Well, what about em?” she asked, innocently enough.

“They’re going to abandoned me like the plague!” I replied. “You don’t know these people like I do. They’re all about quality writing, and all I have to offer them is this absurd and ridiculous blog. I realize that’s a lousy option, but if you take me away, who will they turn to instead?”

Her response?

“Relax, they’ll barely notice you’re gone. Besides, you know what they say… absence makes the heart grow fonder.” That’s when I knew she was out of touch with reality—because you guys barely tolerate me as it is!

giphy.com

giphy.com

“You don’t understand,” I pleaded, “I have my stats to consider. Why, if it weren’t for that amateur course in hypnotism—the I took for no apparent reason other than to have something to write about for this paragraph—I fear my followers (all of whom can’t explain their love for me) would have left my blog in cobwebs months ago.”

Funny Looooooool, Misha Gif, Boys Gif, Gif It S, Funnt Posts, Candy Hypnosis, Gif Form

Funny Looooooool, Misha Gif, Boys Gif, Gif It S, Funnt Posts, Candy Hypnosis, Gif Form

However, between you and me; I don’t obsess over such things—for more than 14 hours a day anyway—because that would be shallow.

Instead, I protested… and vigorously. “Dumpling, we can’t leave for vacation, not during the height of the WordPress blogging season! Are you mad?”

Okay, so I twisted the truth about the WordPress blogging season—that’s not until next month—but remember, I was doing it for you guys.

Anyhow, after her face reached a bright crimson color—which was immediately followed by steam escaping from her ears—I decided I’d better move onto my next argument… forcefully.

“Dumpling, precious, sweetheart, cupcake… only a blogger with followers numbering in the millions—and capable of producing better material than myself—would ever consider going on a vacation at this time of the year!”

She was having none of it. I was about to be taken—AGAINST MY WILL—to some horribly comfortable resort… complete with swaying palm trees. Dragged there by some 110 pound petite brute.

You can imagine my terror.

“Help me, help me please!” I screamed, as she pulled me across the busy airport terminal floor by my ankles onto an awaiting flight. “My wife is taking me away from my readers to go on a vacation.” I screamed, “FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!”

Nothing. Absolutely no one, not one single person (nor married couple) stepped out of any of those LONG TSA lines.

Thus, I became just another missing persons report.

It was then I realized—to my horror—that settling for that coach ticket instead of first class—probably did nothing to prevent my abduction to some far off place.

I should have known better. After all, the heavy chain—the one I latched to me and my laptop—didn’t work either.

If only I hadn’t left those bolt cutters out—and in plain sight.

Nope, I was doomed. Doomed to go to a place where—despite my vigorous (albeit, impassive) protest—I was forced to lay around a pool like a beached whale. Waited on hand and foot, while powerless to do absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, and go to shows.

It was all I could do to escape my captivity—which happened when the hotel told me that our two week stay in paradise was over. That is when I learned that my picture had never made it onto the back of a milk carton.

Plus.google.com

Plus.google.com

Leaving me to assume that they felt my rather large nose would only serve to distract from the truth of my absence.

Naturally, I couldn’t believe how the milk companies could leave you—my loyal and faithful readers—sitting there in the dark about my sudden disappearance.

So those post about my abduction became necessary.

Oh, but anyway, Toto, we’re home—home! And this is my blog—and you’re all here (well two or three of you anyway—and I’m not going to ever leave here again (unless I’m offered a seven figure contract)—because I love you all (except for those of you who failed to return)—And… Oh, Auntie Em, there’s no blog like my own!

My apologies to The Wizard of Oz. Which reminds me… did I tell you how this huge tornado came down and swept me up to this land they call Oz?

Well you see, it all started when I encountered this witch…