The most wonderful time of the year is nearly upon us again. That time of year when life-affirming stories celebrate the spirit of the holidays, warm our hearts, and fill us with good cheer—like that spiked pumpkin spice latte I had the other night—and then are either read or watched for the umpteenth time.
Stories like… A Christmas Carol (all 218 versions!), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, and that all-time classic…
“Baxter… the Snowman and that Fateful Dance With Those Darn Irresponsible Sugarplum Fairies.”
Now I know what you’re probably going to say. You’re going to say “Oh yeah, yeah I remember… BAXTER THE SNOWMAN AND THAT FATEFUL DANCE WITH THOSE DARN IRRESPONSIBLE SUGARPLUM FAIRIES?”
“Paul, what in the world was in that pumpkin spiced latte?”
Well, I don’t rightly know, but I wanna thank you for referencing the story in bold-type lettering—though it really wasn’t necessary.
I mean, any day now there’s bound to be a audio book version of this blog post at Barnes & Noble.
And just in time for the holidays too. They might even hire Maggie Simpson of “The Simpsons” to read it—MAKING IT A REAL STOCKING-STUFFER!—and an absolute must for your whole (blended) family.
However, none of that is important now—that is, until the cash starts rolling in—but what is important is that this story never has been a novel, movie adaptation, nor holiday television special—filled with plenty of (before November) holiday commercials—and yet, it’s still destined to become an instant yuletide classic.
Our story begins on Christmas Eve around 5 BC just outside a little town on the edge of the Egyptian Desert—a tad east of Toledo, Ohio.
There, we find a partial snowman by the name of Baxter, melting in a small pile of snow. He’s staring up into the night sky in hopes that the big red elf known as, Santa Claus, will be bringing him a corncob pipe—its been on back order from L.L. Bean for quite some time now.
Suddenly, this streaking bright object appears to race across the Eastern sky.
Why it’s Santa Claus!
And what’s this? Why he’s being followed by the Nomadic Air Patrol—uh, I think maybe we should leave it there for now. No point in making the story worse by sticking around to see Santa get a speeding ticket.
This is where three Sugarplum Fairies of ill-repute appeared out of nowhere—more likely from somewhere.
They glide up to Baxter, and begin telling him that they are on a quest for the “Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik.”
They ask Baxter to help them in securing funding for an expedition to search for the great snowball, and upon finding it they will happily let him have some of it for the bottom have of his melting torso.
They tell him that the great snowball is magically made from Folgers Instant Crystals and that the dark crystals only melt when sprinkled into coffee. They say that since he’s a snowman and that snowmen don’t drink or swim in coffee… he would probably be set for life!
That’s a good story.
But you’ll have to wait until tomorrow—or possibly three or four more days—for the ALMOST thrilling final.
That’s because, being a complete dunderhead, I accidentally pressed publish before finishing the story and now I need time to write part two of the tale.
Of course, as many of you know, its National Novel Writing Month, and you are given until the end of November to finish a 50,000 word novel.
And I’ve only written, lets see, one, two, three, four… five… five hundred or so words! THAT’S IT, JUST FIVE HUNDRED OR SO WORDS?
Maybe I’d better stick to writing a two-part post this time and save the writing of that 50,000 word novel for November of next year.