The most wonderful time of the year is nearly here again.
That time of year when life-affirming stories celebrate the spirit of the holidays, warm our hearts, and fill us with good cheer—like that spiked pumpkin spice latte I had the other night—and then are either read or watched for the umpteenth time.
Stories like… A Christmas Carol (all 218 versions), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, and that new all-time classic…
“Baxter the Snowman and Three Dance Around the Truth Sugarplum Fairies.”
Now I know what you’re going to ask? You’re going to ask, “Paul, what in the world was in your spiked pumpkin spiced latte?”
Well, I don’t rightly know, but it may have had something to do with the creation of that great title and the story I’m about to tell.
Why, any day now there’s bound to be a audio book version of this post at your local Barnes & Noble, and just in time for the holidays too.
They might even hire Maggie Simpson of “The Simpsons” to read it—MAKING IT A REAL STOCKING-STUFFER!—an absolute must for the whole (blended) family.
None of that is important though—until the cash starts rolling in.
No, what’s really important is that this story never has been a novel, movie adaptation, nor holiday television special—filled with plenty of holiday commercials—and yet, it’s still destined to become an instant yuletide classic.
Our story begins on Christmas Eve around 5 BC just outside a little town on the edge of the Egyptian Desert—a tad east of Toledo, Ohio.
There, we find a partial snowman by the name of Baxter, melting like a frozen popcycle in a microwave oven. He’s staring up into the night sky in hopes that the big red elf known as, Santa Claus, will be bringing him a corncob pipe—it was on back order from L.L. Bean.
Suddenly, a streaking bright object races across the Eastern sky.
Why it’s Santa Claus!
And what’s this? He’s being chased by the Nomadic Air Patrol. Maybe we should just skip that part. No point in sticking around to watch Santa get a speeding ticket.
This is where three Sugarplum Fairies of ill-repute appeared out of nowhere—but likely from somewhere.
They glide up to Baxter and begin telling him that they are on a quest for the “Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik.”
That’s when they asked Baxter to help them in securing funding for an expedition to search for the great snowball. They explain to him that upon finding it they will happily let him have some of the great snowball to replace his melting lower torso.
They tell him that the great snowball is magically made from Folgers Instant Crystals, crystals only that only melt in coffee, and that since he’s a snowman and doesn’t drink—or swim—in coffee his lower half will probably be set for life.
That’s a good story.
But you’ll have to wait until tomorrow—or four more days—for the ALMOST thrilling finish to our tale.
Because, being a complete dunderhead, I accidentally pressed publish before finishing my post and need time to write part two of the tale.
Of course, as many of you know its National Novel Writing Month and you are given until the end of November to finish a 50,000 word novel.
And I’ve only written … lets see, one, two, three, four… five… five hundred or so words so far.
Wait a minute!
THAT’S IT, JUST FIVE HUNDRED OR SO WORDS?
Maybe I’d better stick to writing part two of this post and just save the writing of a 50,000 word novel for November of next year.
Stay tuned for part two of our story…
A New Original Holliday Tale, Part Two—The Almost Thrilling Final.
Ah, I see it’s postmodern.
P.S. I don’t always understand postmodern.
I think so… I wrote it… but on a keyboard. Anyway, the story certainly QUALIFIES as a weird reality. So yeah… its just gotta be postmodern! I think. 😀
Haha… that builds up the suspense, Paul!!
Inadvertently, of course. But even by accident, you have to admit I now have everyone on the edge of their seats! That might be bad for everyone’s furniture, though, as sofas everywhere will now be flat on the edge. 😀
You are right!! I didn’t think of the damages. So please hurry up with the sequel, Paul!!!
LOL! You’re quite right, Erika, I do need to hurry up and finish this thing. There’s no telling how bad this could get. Why I could be named in a furniture class action suit!
From this I learned that corncob pipes were an item at L.L. Bean once upon a time. That is the point of this story, right? Guess I’ll have to come back tomorrow and find out.
Absolutely! Although, there is a chance Baxter was waiting for his backorder from an old Sears catalogue, instead. I sometimes get my facts twisted. 😀
I imagine a small snow pile in the Sahara Desert could give rise to just about anything. The Sugar Plum fairies are time travelers, Paul, that’s why they appeared from nowhere and Santa is zapping through the sky and the Bedouins can see Toledo from their backyards!
Anything out of a small pile of snow? Well, that just about describes Baxter to a tee. And Sugarplum Fairies as time travellers? That’s so Irwin Allen and H. G. Wells—I LIKE IT! But those Bedouins being able to see Toledo from their backyards, that’s a little far-fetched. Big Beaver, Pennsylvania maybe, but Toledo, Ohio? Gotta be a work of fantasy for sure, Jan. 😀
“What in the world was in your pumpkin spiced latte?”…..there you do, Paul.
“What in the world was in your pumpkin spiced latte?”…..there you go, Paul.
And Kate over at “Views and Mews by Coffee Kat” always thinks it’s all about what I’ve been smoking! I tried to tell her those Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte’s tasted funny. But did she listen? 😀
I have already contacted my attorney and asked him to look into the possibility of damages to my sofa as a result of your post. He said, “if part two isn’t posted by next Thursday, you might have a case”……just warning you.
Ha, that’s nothing, Joy! My agents saying the publisher expects the story to be finished and posted by tomorrow, or he wants back that $2.00 advance they gave me! Needless to say, I’m sweating it out under a hot lamp now. Of course, it could just be that 40-watt bulb in the lamp, but then, why do I feel like I’m on a 120-watt diet—I MEAN, THE POUNDS ARE JUST MELTING OFF ME! 😀
I think the corncob pipe was on backorder from Gucci. You know how slow designers are.
You’re right, Kate. Shipping out of Italy these days is just not what it used to be. I wonder if they’re still using those chariots? 😀
Perhaps they have brought pumpkin spiced lattes for the snowman. Who knows where the story will go if those things are involved.
Oh no, no, no. That’s must be the caffeine talking, Sarah. Although, you may be right. When it comes to deranged Sugarplum Fairies one can never be too sure what to expect next.
You’re going to have to give us time to recover from the first part of this story before the sequel comes out….:)