Cue the crickets—chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp…etc.
Well as you probably know by now, I’ve been missing for the better part of the last two weeks, but it’s not my fault. I was abducted, lured away—clawing and scratching—out of my attic… by my wife.
“Snookums,” I said “we can’t go on vacation now. What about my blog, my readers?”
“Well, what about em?” she asked, innocently enough.
“They’re going to abandoned me like the plague!” I replied. “You don’t know these people like I do. They’re all about quality writing, and all I have to offer them is this absurd and ridiculous blog. I realize that’s a lousy option, but if you take me away, who will they turn to instead?”
“Relax, they’ll barely notice you’re gone. Besides, you know what they say… absence makes the heart grow fonder.” That’s when I knew she was out of touch with reality—because you guys barely tolerate me as it is!
“You don’t understand,” I pleaded, “I have my stats to consider. Why, if it weren’t for that amateur course in hypnotism—the I took for no apparent reason other than to have something to write about for this paragraph—I fear my followers (all of whom can’t explain their love for me) would have left my blog in cobwebs months ago.”
However, between you and me; I don’t obsess over such things—for more than 14 hours a day anyway—because that would be shallow.
Instead, I protested… and vigorously. “Dumpling, we can’t leave for vacation, not during the height of the WordPress blogging season! Are you mad?”
Okay, so I twisted the truth about the WordPress blogging season—that’s not until next month—but remember, I was doing it for you guys.
Anyhow, after her face reached a bright crimson color—which was immediately followed by steam escaping from her ears—I decided I’d better move onto my next argument… forcefully.
“Dumpling, precious, sweetheart, cupcake… only a blogger with followers numbering in the millions—and capable of producing better material than myself—would ever consider going on a vacation at this time of the year!”
She was having none of it. I was about to be taken—AGAINST MY WILL—to some horribly comfortable resort… complete with swaying palm trees. Dragged there by some 110-pound petite brute.
You can imagine my terror.
“Help me, help me please!” I screamed as she pulled me across the busy airport terminal floor by my ankles onto an awaiting flight. “My wife is taking me away from my readers to go on a vacation.” I screamed, “FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!”
Nothing. Absolutely no one, not one single person (nor married couple) stepped out of any of those LONG TSA lines.
Thus, I became just another missing person.
It was then I realized—to my horror—that settling for that coach ticket instead of first class—probably did nothing to prevent my abduction to some far off place.
I should have known better. After all, the heavy chain—the one I latched to myself and my laptop—hadn’t work either.
If only I hadn’t left those bolt cutters out—and in plain sight.
Nope, I was doomed. Doomed to go to a place where—despite my vigorous (albeit, impassive) protest—I was forced to lay around a pool like a beached whale. Waited on hand and foot, while powerless to do absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, and go to shows.
It was all I could do to escape my captivity—which happened when the hotel told me that our two-week stay in paradise was over. That is when I learned that my picture had never made it onto the back of a milk carton.
Leaving me to assume that they felt my rather large nose would only serve to distract from the truth of my absence.
Naturally, I couldn’t believe how the milk companies could leave you—my loyal and faithful readers—sitting there in the dark about my sudden disappearance.
So this post about my abduction became necessary.
Oh, but anyway, Toto, we’re home—home! And this is my blog—and you’re all here (well two or three of you anyway—and I’m not going to ever leave here again (unless I’m offered a seven-figure contract)—because I love you all (except for those of you who failed to return)—And… Oh, Auntie Em, there’s no blog like my own!
My apologies to The Wizard of Oz. Which reminds me… did I tell you how this huge tornado came down and swept me up to this land they call Oz?
Well you see, it all started when I encountered this witch… and well…
Haha… at least 4 now! Welcome back! I appreciate the responsibility you feel for your followers and to keep the blogging level high! You were missed for sure! But I am glad that your wife didn’t give in and you had to relax for some days 😃 You definitely deserve it, Paul! Btw. where were you on vacation?
Thank you, Erika. I needed the break, but it feels good to know you missed me. Makes me want to work even harder to provide the laughs. I was in some silly place called… Hawaii. Thank goodness there wasn’t any tribal counsel there, because I didn’t find an immunity idol. I feel if Jeff Probst (the host of Survivor) had found out, I might have gotten the boot sooner! 😀
Lol!!! That vacation was definitely good for you. At least you did not lose a bit of your humor. Hawaii…. awesome! It’s on my bucke list… one day… deep sigh 😍
Expensive, but well worth it. If only I didn’t have to hitch-hike back. It’s much easier when you do it by car. 😀
I am absolutly sure it was worth it. I would love to see photos, Paul! And hmmm… that means, you are in a good shape because when you were hitch-hiking back swimming might have been a part of that trip …. lol!
I felt just like Wilson the volleyball in the movie Castaway. LOL!!!
😂😂😂 Haha…. you are hilarious, Paul! I wish I could hug you now!
Well just be careful. My nose got sunburned. :@)
LOL… believe it or not… mine too! I looked like Rudolph for a while! So, no problem regarding that 😃
LOL, Yeah, but I bet your sunburned nose looked cuter than mine. :O)
I defintely did not think it was cute… lol! Thank God meanwhile it is a lot better!
I’m pleased to hear that, Erika. The thought of you having to tape a big white band aid on top of your nose—like I did—seems rather silly. Thank goodness I had that thought and you didn’t. Otherwise, people might think you as eccentric as me. 😀
Did you seriously think anyone would go up against your wife as she dragged you to the plane? C’mon fella – all the women in the terminal would have united!! You were on your own and SEE — we’re still here!!!!!
You know GP, I think you make a very good point there. She’s such an imposing figure. Sure I wanted to stand up to her, BUT SHE’S 5’4 and swings a mean purse! With so many other women armed to the teeth with suitcases, I didn’t stand a chance. And you bet I’m happy to see you here…I could use all the help I can get. Thanks GP. 😀
You’d be surprised!!!!
“Dumpling, precious, sweetheart, cupcake”…..Really ??? You crack me up, Paul. You were missed. Welcome back, hope you are recovering from your abduction. ☺
Hi Van! Oh I am, it was such an ordeal. I wouldn’t wish that for my worst enemy—if you catch my gist. Thanks for the welcome back, Van, puts a smile on my face, too. It’s a joy to know that I can make you laugh. 😀
I actually wondered where the heck you were. LOL! I’m so glad you were somewhere soaking up the sun and being waited on hand and foot. That will help keep that nose nice shiny and red. Welcome back! You were missed!
Thank you so much, Joy. Yeah those nose sunburns are the worst. I should have listened to my captor when she suggested I use an SPF 45+ from Coppertone. But did I listen? No! Instead, I just stretched out and fried like some rooster on the grill. I’m sure there’s a lesson in all this, but for the life of me, I’m just not sure what it is? Guess I’ll need a vacation with some R & R to figure it all out. Thanks for that welcome back. 😀
They are the worst and I can only imagine how bad it would be if you had a nose the size of a large lamp lightbulb! LOL! Glad you enjoyed your vacation, I’m sure you, no doubt, needed it. It sounds wonderful!
I loved waking up to the sound of the ocean. Very therapeutic. :O)
It sounds wonderful and therapeutic!
I hope you know I’m kidding with you! Your big red nose is beautiful. 😀
I did, and I love it when you kid around like that. That kind of give and take is what makes this whole writing experience lots of fun. Thank you, Joy. You know, I think my nose is actually blushing from that compliment! :O)
It does! I love your joking around too! The picture shows your nose blushing! 😀
Love doing that. 😀
I know and that’s what makes you so endearing! 😀
Welcome back Lucky! You poor thing being dragged away to relax for two full weeks! Missed you, but glad you are back! We all deserve a little break. 🙂
Hey Jodi! It’s always nice to be missed. Makes me feel I do provide some enjoyment and escape for everyone. And your right, we all deserve a little break—it is just a shame that I got a long one, instead. Oh well, someday I’ll look back on all of this and realize it could have been much worse—I might have been taken away for a month! 😀
Never say never! Next year will be here before you know it. I did notice you were missing in action though…~Elle
Hi Elle! And to think that my wife thought that that MIA flag that went up at our house while we were gone, stood for Missing In Idleness. 😀
No one understands the importance of freed up writing time for writers. Not even spouses!
You got that one right, Elle. Believe me, I know spouses, I married a spouses. 😀
Who are you and why are you in my reader?
LMAO! Oh Kate… you’re such a kidder! Thanks Kate. 😀
I thought you’d been beamed up by aliens and that you’d come back with some kind of a wild story. Welcome back to the blogoshere known as alternative reality.
But Jan, I was, I was beamed up by aliens! I swear it’s all true. Wait! I have proof. They told me, “The force will be with you…always.” I’m still not sure what they meant? But I’m pretty sure I have it! :O)
Just in time for the Blackhawks and the 2016 run for Lord Stanley…<3 Go Hawks !!!
Which, as you know Scarlett, was constantly in the back of my mind during the whole abduction. And my wife thought all that brainwashing would erase the memory of last year. Ha! 😀
Glad to see you survived, I’ve missed you…Love ya ❤ and go Hawks !!!
Thank you Scarlett, and GO HAWKS! :O)
Dragged to a luxury resort against your will! Forced to lie down by the pool and relax! Why, it’s outrageous! Don’t you worry, Paul. I’ll contact Ban Ki Moon, the Dalai Lama, Pope Francis, Mahatma Gandhi and anybody else who will listen. I won’t rest until this terrible wrong has been righted.
Oh thank god, Bun! I knew you’d have my back. I almost cracked when she put me through the whole waterboarding thing. I’d heard about that kind of torture, but I never expected I’d have to go through it. They put you on this long board and paddle you out on some waves at the beach. Then, they ask you to stand up on the board while the waves push you ashore. I know! Talk about the worst torture ever. They even made sure I couldn’t escape the board, because they attached it to my ankle with a strap. I guess I don’t have to tell you that I practically drowned drinking the Pacific Ocean.
Woah! That sound horrific! It’s amazing you managed to get through such a terrible ordeal. Nearly having to drink the Pacific Ocean is awful too. I’m almost certain I’m right in saying that thing is made of water. The same volume in beer, maybe someone would have a chance, but water!
You’re so right, Bun. Simply awful stuff…all that salt, and with none of the alcohol!
Yuk, horrible! 😦
Yep, I can’t ever see there being a Pacific Ocean Fest along the lines of say…Oktoberfest.
Gee, I completely feel your pain – NOT!!!! Glad you had a good rest. You were missed. Now, get back to work!
Thanks Holly’s mom. I’m happy to be back – not! That was probably the after effects from attempted brain washing. Tropical beaches can do that to you. I’ll get back on that 9 to 5 routine right away. Well…maybe after another cup of coffee. :O)
You know, it’s a good thing I like your blogs or else I’d have to dislike you for bemoaning being at a “tropical beach”! 😉
LOL. I know, there’s just no pleasing me. The next thing you know I’ll be asking for a whole island! 😀
I want to go on a two week vacation. To a place with palm trees. Where do I sign up to be taken on one? Did I miss the contest? *sigh*
Ally, you mean there was a contest? That explains the lovely necklace of flowers they gave me. So I did get lovely parting gifts! :O)
I never tell anyone when I miss writing for a week or two. No one even notices. They are probably relieved that it is one less thing in their reader and email. *sigh* Fans are so fickle.
And don’t you know it, Sheila. I mean, here I was trying to be courteous about my abduction (uh) absence—sending little notes out on the waves in bottles, pleading for help—and what happens? Not one of my followers bothered to return a message of ‘Help is on the way’ back in a bottle! Think of all the recycling money I’ve lost! 😀
Missed you so much! . . . . Who are you, again?
Oh Scott, I fear my wife and her nefarious brainwashing tactics may already have begun to take effect on you as well. It’s only a matter of time now. The first sign is the amnesia, but then you’ll start to have visions of swaying palms, only to next find yourself hearing the sound of waves crashing ashore, and before you know it the smell of coconut will be in the air. And then watch out; because that’s when you’ll feel yourself being dragged through an airport terminal, only to wind up out on some island in the middle of an ocean. I only pray that you don’t find a volleyball by the name of Wilson out there. 😀
You were gone? LOL … just kidding, of course. Hope your forced frivolity at least offered up a bit of entertainment. Can’t wait to hear of your adventures. No slide shows, please. One can only cast their eyes upon so many swaying palm trees before becoming *yawn* bored to tears. This is a palm tree. It is swaying in the breeze. Ad infinitum. *yawn*
Welcome back! 🙂
I know what you mean, ntexas. During my exile in the South Pacific I was forced to sit back on a beach—with one Mai Tai after another in hand—and count the palm trees. At first it was easy, but after about the first dozen or so—not the palms—I began to see double the amount of Palm Trees and finally lost count, thank god. 😀
Thank you, Lonely. At least I got a souvenir from the ordeal—my clothes are full of sand. 😀
We’ll be glad to have you back. Your loyal subjects miss you.
Jay, I think you’re now a new Dame of the realm! Welcome to the crown. :O)
Paul, I’m glad you made it safely back to the blogosphere, and that you survived two weeks in a remote, tropical wilderness — as well as an enhanced TSA pat-down.
LMAO! Allen, I’m not sure, but I think I may have lost my virginity to the TSA! 😀
When they snap on a rubber glove, you know the relationship is going to a whole new level. 😳
” oh where, oh where as Paul gone…oh where oh where can he be?” Where DID you go?
Hawaii…it was less cluttered than my attic. :O)
But now you can write about your exploits. I bet you took Hawaii by storm.
We tried. 😀
And don’t say “on vacation.” No details?
Oahu. We did the tourist thing. 😀
Sounds awful. As for the milk cartons, I think production takes about 2 weeks…you should be on them in a few days!
Hey Paul! I can see it all now. Just as I am sitting down to my morning Captain Crunch, I’ll look up to grab the milk, and there, on the back of the milk carton will be my picture. I’ll exclaim out loud (while pointing at the picture) “I know that guy!” and my wife will faint, thinking we’re out of milk. 😀
Welcome back. You were missed!
Thank you, Tikeetha. :O)
Love this post!
Thank you, shadefully. I hope it gave you a few laughs to start the weekend. :O)
Glad to hear that you’re okay Paul. Stopped by several times and the thought occurred to me that perhaps an APB should be put out on you. So imagine my surprise to find out you were up to no good shenanigans sipping on Mai Tais, lounging by the pool among palm trees–tsk, tsk. Welcome back 🙂
Well I thought with ‘The Most Interesting Man in the World’ suddenly retiring, I thought I should take a stab at it. Thanks for the APB, Stephanae. 😀
Really and truly, I was wondering what happened to you. Isn’t it nice to know radom strangers are thinking about you? (Or is that creepy? Yeah, I guess it’s creepy.)
Glad you made it back safely!
Christi, I think you just might be onto something here. What if these random strangers, are thinking about me… because they’re psychics? Maybe they’re actually reading my mind and know all about my next post—even before I write it? No wait, I’ve got it! They’re Vulcans, and I’m experiencing a Vulcan mind meld! Hey, maybe I could pick their brains for future ideas to write about in my blog? On the other hand, maybe they’re just thinking about me because I’m nothing more than a figment of their imagination; a character they’re writing about in their new book! But, in all seriousness it is nice to be missed. Thank you, Christi. :O)
And then the skies opened, the oceans parted, illumination spread across the continents, the garden of Eden appeared on the horizon, fish jumped from lakes, the price of pineapples hit an all time low and after two weeks of absolute silence, a milk carton dropped from the sky with a photo on it letting us know that the master of word disaster was still alive and then, with celebratory fireworks shooting off in the backgrounds, you know who appeared.
You know who appeared, right? Right?
LMAO!!! 😀 Well yeah, and it was high time, too! Boy, I gotta tell ya George, you always come through with some of the funniest comments, but I think you outdid yourself on this one. You had me laughing so hard with this response. And the most startling part about it was… it all happened just as you said! Thank you, George. 😀
Lol…I’m sure it did.
Well, in my mind anyway. 😀
Hahaha…. nice one… welcome back… Blogging should be something we do for fun, interest and because we want to share our stuff… It should never become a burden whatsoever… So breaks are often useful… and needed…
Sending love and best wishes. Aquileana ⭐
Thank you, Aquileana. It’s nice to be back, and to be missed. I can’t agree more with your statement about about blogging. I not only think blogging is enjoyable, but I feel it satisfies multiple pursuits as well. Acting as an outlet for creative writing, prose and poetry, photography, and a place where people can explore their creative niche. Even so, I can see where breaks are sometimes a good thing, because they prevent the process from becoming a challenge to accomplish when everyday life closes in on us. There is far too much passion put into any one persons blog for it to just become another process that we feel we have to work at just to produce something, as if it were some kind of drudgery. That’s why I think breaks are useful, too. Your comment provides a wonderful reminder of that. Thank you, Aquileana. :O)