No doubt, many of you think you know the true story of Noah and the Ark—it was in all the papers. However, recently a survivor of the voyage—a mysterious Dutchman (found floating in a lifeboat) who has since taken up flying—has come forward and told a reporter (our only reporter) here at “The Attic” a very revealing story about Captain Noah.
Did you know—Of course, you couldn’t have as I’ve only just leaked it to “The National Enquirer”—that Noah was actually a halibut fisherman from Norway? It’s true!
Apparently, Noah was really BIG into boats—probably because he had a sweet tooth. Anyway, one day after eating a whole box of chocolates, he went out fishing in the Norwegian fjords in his canoe, the Jonah. Sadly, he and his canoe were swallowed whole by a great white whale named, Moby.
Hard to swallow I know, I mean who names their whale, Moby, right? But it’s gospel I swear, just not during this post—because the Pope reads this blog.
This incident gave Noah a life-long irrational fear of sharks (which, by the way, were completely exonerated of all guilt in the attack by the Gorton’s Fisherman of Gloucester), and this inevitably led Noah to repeatedly tell his wife…
“I think I’m going to need a bigger boat.”
However, Noah’s wife was having none of it and eventually grew weary of Noah’s whining about his needing a new yacht. One day she finally said to Noah, “If you want a bigger boat, go talk to the lord?”
Noah took her advice and went to the only lord he knew, one Lord Quinton Hooper Brody, First Lord of the Admiralty of Amity Island and ask him about a loan for building an ark. The Lord told Noah, “Why not go build one yourself and while you’re at it, try stocking it with a whole bunch of animals!”
Noah, a simple man not recognizing sarcasm when he heard it, immediately set about rounding up all the male and female animals of the world by two. This ridiculous business took him away from his wife and family for years at a time—400 years to be precise, give or take a year or two—and his wife was forever grateful.
But Noah—having never built an ark before—decided he needed some instruction.
This led him to the local library to get the book “Ark Building for Dummies.” However, he first had to pay a late fee on an overdue book called, “An Idiots Guide to Throwing Chum Overboard into Shark-Filled Waters while Fishing out of a Canoe.”
Copyright, Doubleday Press, 2304 B.C.
Another little known fact came out during our interview with the Dutchman. Seems Noah also created the first press gang when he enlisted his sons to assist him with the building of the ark.
At first, he and his sons got into an angry debate over what the exact dimensions of a cubit might be.
Apparently, Noah thought a cubit was the size of his middle finger because he kept holding his middle finger up throughout the argument? Eventually, though, he was overruled by two of his boys Ham and Yam (both named after their favorite foods) when they produced a tape measure and a ruler from under their tunics.
The ship then set sail for a three-hour tour. But the weather started getting rough (thanks to some rather torrential rains, which the national weather service failed to predict) and the ark started getting tossed, and if not for the courage of its fearless crew, Noah’s Ark would be lost.
Also, according to the Dutchman, the ark (which was on its maiden voyage at the time) narrowly averted a collision with an iceberg—hence the Dutchman went overboard in a lifeboat.
After 40 days and 40 nights the ark set ground on the shore of an uncharted desert Turkish mountain named, Gilligan. Eventually, Noah renamed it Mt. Ararat—possibly out of fear of being sued for copyright infringement.
Captain Noah, eventually went on to even greater fame when he became a shipping tycoon, realizing his childhood dream of building a fleet of cruise ships. Perhaps you’ve heard of it… “NOAHwegian Cruise Lines?”