Welcome to Part Two of a new original holiday classic that everyone will be talking about … down at the hobo encampment near the railroad tracks.
“Baxter the Snowman and Three Dance Around the Truth Sugarplum Fairies.”
It’s written by a new—but brilliant up and coming author—who bears a striking resemblance to some character with a red nose.
Part One of our story introduced us to, Baxter, the partially melted snowman who is living (if you can call it that) on the outskirts of the Egyptian Desert.
One Christmas Eve he encounters three Sugarplum Fairies who are anything but sugar and spice and everything nice.
They ask Baxter to help them in funding their quest to find “The Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” and in return they promise him a portion of the fabled snowball to replace his current languidly melting lower torso.
As you may recall, the Sacred Snowball is supposedly made of Folgers Instant Crystals, “They’re magically delicious and melt in your coffee… NOT IN YOUR SAND.”
We pick up our story with the ANIMATED, Tim Burton, now narrating.
P.S.—he can’t sing a lick so no holiday songs here.
Take it away, Tim!
Huh? Oh, yeah, right. Let me see… where were you now? Oh yeah.
So without further adieu, I present to you … one Dickens of a Christmas Story.
When we left off, Baxter (now a slowly liquefying snowman), was telling three odious Sugarplum Fairies that he barely remembers the fable of the sacred snowball of Azhar Malik, but that his mother sometimes would read to him about it as he drifted off to sleep—back when he was but a small snowflake in his mothers eye.
Baxter, is unaware that the mischievous trio of fairies are actually rejects from Fairies Local 79—fired for dancing poorly without a license.
They’ve been traveling the desert using the fable of the “Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik” as part of a nefarious ponzi scheme that they hatched up to defraud people (and snowmen) of all their worldly goods.
Except for items made in China—for which they have an aversion.
In fact, the local nomad news recently reported that a Mongolian camel dealer by the name of, Herman T. Zidlemeyer, had recently ran into the three crafty old fairies while he was crossing the desert on a horse with no name.
He said the three claimed an uber driver left them stranded out there with only a snowballs chance in hell of escaping the desert heat.
They also claimed they were in posession of the Famed Sacred Snowball of Azhar Malik (a ball of styrofoam made up to look like a snowball), and were willing to swap it with Zidlemeyer for his horse—who shall remain nameless.
Zidlemeyer barely crawled back home to his wife who, recognizing the fabled snowball’s value—that of being totally worthless except for when being used as a MacGuffin in a Christmas fable—told her husband to put it out on the porch of their yurt—or tent.
There, overnight, it melted and eventually became a great puddle in the middle of the Oasis.
Better known as “The Oasis of Balderdash.”
Zedlemeyer thought himself lucky—the bad deal could have cost him his yurt.
Anyway, Baxter, suffered from brain freezes (a condition not uncommon to snowmen), and couldn’t remember if he’d seen the nomad news report concerning the Zedlemeyer incident or not.
So, wanting to help the (LITTLE WINGED HARPIES) fairies, Baxter slipped over to an ATM at the “First Dust and Loan of Jeruselum” and fortunately, not having to deal with a frozen account, was able to withdraw every single penny (married ones too) from his savings—leaving only nickles, dimes, and quarters to his name…
And fifty thousand shares of Frigidaire stock—which at the time, were going for about $900.00 a share.
The three (wicked) little fairies were unable to contain their joy at having pulled off a fast one on a (poor but living comfortably) handicapped snowman. So much so, that they made a fateful mistake.
They began break-dancing—something no licensed Sugarplum Fairy would ever be caught DEAD doing.
ALIVE, perhaps? But DEAD? No.
Baxter, not known for his dancing skills—what snowman is, after all, they don’t have legs, unless perhaps, they’re named Frosty—tried to join in and dance with the larcenous trio.
That’s when Santa Claus came flying in—DOING 95 IN A 35 MILE PER HOUR ZONE!
Naturally, the cops, who were hot on his tail, swooped right in and arrested the whole lot of em.
Baxter, the fairies (who were trying to spin away from justice), and old lead foot himself—Santa Claus.
Baxter, was later released on his own recognizance when it became clear that he couldn’t stand the heat. Even got his corncob pipe from L.L. Bean—BECAUSE SANTA DELIVERS.
Santa? Oh he got off for good behavior.
You didn’t really expect a group of elves to rat out their boss as having his name on THE NAUGHTY LIST now … did you?
And what became of the three Sugarplum Fairies? Well, they weren’t so lucky.
The three, when caught, said they had found this manger thanks to the brightest star they had ever seen guiding them directly to it.
Claimed that there was this couple (a husband and wife) wondering the desert in the middle of the night. That the young woman was pregnant and riding a donkey. Said they were looking for a hotel room to bed down in for the night.
The fairies swapped the manger for the couple’s donkey, then tried to pin this tall tale—ON THE DONKEY.
Can you believe it?
Fortunately, the cops weren’t buying it.
But you will… won’t you?