Albert And Frank Instein: A True Fabricated Story

Freaking News

Freaking News

Albert and Frank Einstein: A True Fabricated Story, tells the weird and incredibly true (but ambiguously fallacious) story of twin brothers whose similarities were uncannily indistinguishable. I know, because it’s my story!

The tale begins with the two brothers being born sixty-one years apart in a century two-hundred years ago, but not in a galaxy far, far, away.

Why turn the simple story of two men of science into some kind of space opera, right?

As I was saying, older brother Frank came to life in a dark dank castle located in Gernsheim, Germany in the year 1814. However, it took him until 1818 to catch his breath.

That might explain why he had a green face for the better (and worse) part of his life.

That in spite of his face once being described by another writer as yellowish in color in some other strange book. That book being largely considered as an outlandish work of science fiction no less.

And did you know its author pretended to be a male novelist who was a female in reality? It’s true! So, I think we can safely discount his and her description of Franks face as being yellowish in color as a totally bogus discription. Don’t you?

Now Franks younger brother Albert, on the other hand, was born in Baden-Wurttemburg, Germany and to a completely normal couple.

Unlike poor Frank, who was raised by a couple of men who wore lab jackets and who were also known for frequenting graveyards at night, but who obviously raised Frank as their own after he was given up for adoption—likely because of his green face, as most Germans didn’t have green faces at the time.

At least, I don’t think they did?

Both Frank and Albert were men of science as well. However, Albert explored science, while Frank, the taller of the two, seemed more like a victim of it.

Did I mention that both boy’s dads were heavily into electricity? Well it’s true, they were. And it’s all documented, so I wouldn’t really bother to question any of it. God only knows what kind of crazy things you might turn up!

I mean, would I lie to you?



As I said, Frank was tall. He stood a monstrous 8 feet high, while Albert was a more diminutive 5′ 9′ minus the platform boots. Both boys appeared to suffer from chronic bad hair days too.

Mount Holyoke College

Mount Holyoke College

Albert had a wild and unruly uncombed fuzz ball on the top of his head.

This was probably due to his putting one of his fingers into an electrical socket (in the name of science no doubt) to experience the after-effects of direct current on someone’s hair?

Frank, on the other hand, tolerated a flat-topped angular look.

He apparently had an unusual fondness for wearing metal bolts on both sides of his neck (probably a fad in Germany at the time) and thus, not a bolt defect, his hair was slicked down by sweat and steam from a lightening strike.

I talked to the experts at Supercuts (Frank’s barbers of choice) who told me that one day he stiltedly wondered into their place, arms outstretched, and muttered something—grunted mostly—and what you see became hair history.

Which means, I guess, that we may never truly know the whole truth about either of the twins weird hairdos.

However the brothers did share many other similar traits—though not even remotely close to being the same.

For example: Albert had a penchant for talking over peoples heads. Frank did the same thing, of course, but being that he was 8′ 2′ and a bit more basic, his conversations tended to naturally go right over peoples heads.

You’ll note other comparisons with reference to their brains as well.

Albert’s brain was removed and put into a jar for future study, and by experts. Frank’s, abnormal one, on the other hand, was put into his skull prior to electric shock treatments—something I wouldn’t advise.

It was a highly questionable operation performed by a medical scientist who evidently loved ducks. Called a quack by the town folk—and not affectionately I might add—it seems he favored the assistance of a small hunchback, one with none of the training in the art of modern brain installing techniques like we have today. And, well, “Grrr”

In time, Albert Enstein apparently discovered his regrettable relationship to Frank.

The family name began with an I, thus the name “Instein.” Albert, seeking to distance himself from Frank, took to adding a silent E in front of the I in an attempt to change his last name to that of … Einstein instead—avoiding the obvious phonetic implications.

Later the i came to stand for… INTELLECTUAL, thus forever separating the brothers…Enstein.

keldavanpatten.comforever separating the brother’s Enstein, by his adopting a new spelling of their last name so that it now became…

This completely factual account about the brothers historical connection to one another—with these rare photos serving as absolute proof that what I am saying is true—or may this post end with a sales pitch!—serves as notice of the soon to be released arrival of this new number one Best Seller…

Just as soon as I can get around to writing it.

Naturally, that means you should now send me $49.95 (a possible suggested retail price) in advance, and as soon as possible.

You see, I’ll need the proper motivation to write it.

And that way you won’t miss out on getting your own (rubber stamped autographed) copy from Barnes and Noble, before they sell out of my books entire first edition.

Otherwise, you just might have to settle for a cheaper looking $12.95 paperback.

Trust me, it won’t look nearly as sophisticated—or even contain my fancy rubber stamped autograph—sitting down there on that dusty bottom shelf of yours.

So act now and don’t miss out on one of the greatest books ever to be written … some day.


54 comments on “Albert And Frank Instein: A True Fabricated Story

    • Annika, that is the ultimate compliment and the highest praise an (almost) writer can receive. Well that and the money. So, if you would like to send me some tens and twenty’s I’m not above accepting them. But, I am delighted to put a smile on your face. Thank you, Annika. 😀

    • Well, Kate, I thought about drinking the stuff, but hitting the stuff was so much easier. Who knows, maybe hitting the eggnog might turn into a new holiday tradition, like that whole thing about throwing glasses into the fireplace to celebrate the New Year. 😀

    • Wow Scott, you must have read the back flap of one of those early bootlegged copies of my book! It’s an actual autobiographical account of the Einstein’s middle brother, Iris—who was actually their sister. See, Iris Instein was always jealous of her two brothers and their fame. But, she eventually got over it, changed her name, and grew up to become famous in her own right. Now a high paid employee of Apple you might know her by her new name of, Siri? She’s their knowledge navigator over there. But, that’s a story for another book.

    • And to think that my book is so much more interesting. Still, I’m taking nothing for granted here and have begun working on a screen adaptation of my book, whereby the villagers who chase poor Frank up into that windmill are actually zombies who were once big time studio moguls bitten while on the set of Pride Prejudice and Zombies! In the movie version of my book, Frank Instein actually beats back the zombie mogul hoard and doesn’t get destroyed in the fire. but instead, manages to turn the tables and gets them to turn him into a film star in a movie called (wait for it), Frankenstein! 😀

    • At first I didn’t either, Sheila. It wasn’t until after I got my own finger stuck in a light socket that I too made the discovery. Not about the Einstein boys being brothers, but about how 120 volts of electricity going through your body can be quite a shock! Not that I’d suggest making a habit out of it. 😀

    • Well these things kind of just come to me, Johanna, and I feel it my responsibility—obligation really—to share this vital information with the public. In fact, I’ve always felt “People Magazine” should try reporting more about people in our past, instead of writing about who was the sexist celebrity of the year. Everyone knows I should have been on the cover last year! 😀

  1. There’s a lot of talk these days about “fake news”…how we readers can’t seem to discern what stories are real…and not so real. How refreshing to find a writer being so very up front about their story being truly fabricated…or a true fabrication…whatever. Anywayyyy…for $49.95 should we not expect a truly signed copy instead of a rubberized version? Are you sure “hitting the eggnog” didn’t include actual consumption? 🙂

    • Well, I thought about that at first, Bruce, but then I didn’t wanna develop a bad case of Carpal Tunnel due to signing my name so many times at book signings for a book I hadn’t written yet—might derail my next number one Best Seller from being written too. 😀

  2. You’re right, Paul! The speaking over other people’s heads, the similarity in name (apart from the differences)–it all adds up! (I know Albert Einstein was also good at adding up, which is highly significant.) But over and above this mountain of incredible evidence you’ve amassed, it’s really those high-quality, entirely convincing photographs that put the case beyond any doubt.

    • You’re so right, Bun. Getting those glossy black and white photos of proof was brutal, but necessary. Why, I had to pour over Google images for nearly thirty whole seconds! Getting proof writing a work of fiction like this is such a time consuming process. Not for the faint of heart, you know.

  3. Hahaha. Brilliant… I love your writing… and gotta say you have a gift when it comes to persuasion. I am close to send you the money, mind you 😉
    Wishing you happy holidays my friend 😀

    • Thank you, Daal. I truth can be told now, the source of my book came out of a little known rag called, The National Inquirer. I found a little piece on the Instein boys (only 162 pages) right next to their big news story on “Batboy Caught Stalking Adam West In His Closet” article. Naturally, no one saw they little blurb I found as they were already too busy catching up on that more important breaking news. I’m delighted to hear you say that you actually read my (almost original) new book. And at any price! I must remember that part. But seriously, I’m glad you found me and hope my posts will always give you a lot of laughs. :O)

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