Albert And Frank Enstein: A True Fabricated Story

Freaking News

Freaking News

Albert and Frank Einstein tells the incredibly weird but fabricated (almost true) story of twin brothers, whose similarities are uncannily indistinguishable, and yet totally opposite.

They were born sixty-one years apart in a century far far away, entirely removed from our own century—give or take a couple hundred years.

Older brother Frank, was given life in a dark dank castle located in Gernsheim, Germany in the year 1814. However, it took another four years (until 1818) for him to take his first breath. Which might explain why he remained green faced the rest of his life.

In spite of the fact that his face was described in another book as being yellowish in color.

Now being that this other book was a work of science fiction by someone other than myself—who by the way, was pretending to be an anonymous male at the time, but who in actuality was a female—I think we can safely discount the yellowish colored face description as being totally bogus. Don’t you?

But yet… it’s all totally true!

Younger brother Albert, on the other hand, was born in Baden-Wurttemburg, Germany to a completely normal couple, not singular male parents like those who fostered Frank. Yet it all took place in Germany, just as I’ve said.

Both were men of science, too. Albert explored science, while poor Frank was just a victim of it.

Did I mention that both of the boy’s dads were heavily into electricity? Well they were, and it’s all documented, too.

Would I lie to you?

Frankenseinia

Frankenseinia

Frank stood a monstrous 8′ 2′ tall, while Albert was a more diminutive 5′ 9′ minus in platform boots. Also, both appeared to have suffered from chronic bad hair days.

Mount Holyoke College

Mount Holyoke College

Albert experienced a wild and unruly uncombed fuzz on the top of his head.

This might have been due to him putting one of his fingers into an electrical socket (no doubt, in the name of science) to experience the after-effects of direct current on a persons hair?

Frank, on the other hand, tolerated a more flat-topped angular look.

Scientist still speculate as to how Frank could have maintained such an unusual look, particularly since he had a fondness for wearing metal bolts on both sides of his neck (apparently a fad of the time) which had a tendency to attract lightning bolts.

Could it have been a birth defect passed on down from his father’s fondness for playing with electricity? I tried to talk to some experts at Supercuts about this abnormality, but they appeared to be at a loss as to how to explain this rare phenomenon.

I know this to be true, as my question about Franks bolt defects (both of them) was met with blank stares from said Supercuts experts.

I guess this means we may never truly know the truth about the bolts on Franks neck, or about either of the twins weird hairdos.

However the brothers did share many other similar traits that were not even remotely close to being the same.

For example: Albert’s penchant for talking over peoples heads. Of course Frank did the same thing, but being that he was 8′ 2′ and a bit more basic, his conversations probably bordered on being less intelligent in nature. Likely due to a speech impediment which forced him to communicate only in grunts and groans.

Some other comparisons are made with reference to their brains, too.

Albert’s brain was removed and put into a jar for future study, and by experts. Not like Frank’s abnormal one which was put into his skull prior to electric shock treatments—something I wouldn’t advise.

It was a highly questionable operation, performed by a medical scientist of some repute. Seems he favored the assistants of hunchbacks, and with none of the training in the art of modern brain installing techniques.

In the end, Albert Enstein apparently discovered his regrettable relationship to Frank.

The family had been using a silent E in the front of their last name and Albert obviously sought to distance himself from Frank, and so he took to adding an i behind the E in an attempt to change his last name to that of… Einstein—avoiding the obvious phonetic implications.

Later the i came to stand for… INTELLECTUAL, thus forever separating the brothers…Enstein, forever.

keldavanpatten.com

keldavanpatten.comforever separating the brother’s Enstein, by his adopting a new spelling of their last name so that it now became…

This completely factual account about the brothers historical connection to one another—these rare photos serving as absolute proof that what I’m telling you is true, or may this post end with a sales pitch!—is soon to be a number one best selling novel.

Just as soon as I can get around to writing it.

So naturally you should send me $49.95 (a possible suggested retail price) in advance, and as soon as possible. You see, I need the proper motivation to write it.

That way you won’t miss out on getting your own (rubber stamped autographed) copy from Barnes and Noble, before they sell out of my books entire first edition.

Otherwise, you just might have to settle for a cheaper looking $12.95 paperback.

Trust me, it won’t look nearly as sophisticated—or even contain my fancy rubber stamped autograph—sitting down there on that dusty bottom shelf of yours.

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An Open Letter To Experimental Drug Companies

rx

Yo…drug companies, I’m in search of drugs, so be warned!

For the record (that would be medical, and please don’t lose them), I have had a little itis of late which has become a real pain in my butt—among other areas.

Now I’ve seen more than enough television in my time—curious about that, what qualifies as enough—anyway, enough to know that you guys run quite a few ads for new drugs that cure everything. Even some ailments that haven’t come along yet.

And I might add (since it is the only math computation I’m really capable of) most of the drug ads you see and hear on television, occur primarily during early morning programming, which is geared to attract the attention of those who are housebound or octogenarians.

Not that I have a problem with either group, but Mr. Harris, my octogenarian neighbor, always seems to move faster to his front door when I try to say hi to him, this in spite of the fact that he uses a walker. My wife say’s its just that he’s hard of hearing… but I wonder.

Anyway I belong to neither of those groups; therefore, I need to have you run more ads in the evening when I might be home in order to find the one that will cure me.

You know the kind of ads I mean, ads where you folks quickly minimize the danger of the side effects that might accompany a particular drug. The kind of side effects that MIGHT be worse than the ailment itself. But don’t worry, I understand why you do this. Mums the word.

I understand modern medicine can do remarkable things…but for a price—and usually at a price most of us cannot afford. Now, I’m not concerned about one of your experimental drugs because I know you already tried them on the wealthy—seeing that they are the only ones who can afford them in the first place.

Not that I’m complaining mind you, I know you have to make a profit off the backs of the extremely wealthy, even if it means that a few of the filthy rich will be sacrificed in the process. But these are  acceptable losses I can live with (literally), while you companies make the profits you need.

So I’ll send you the name of my itus, and when you folks find the cure to it, just send me the hectrocycoline, bromioproxidol, robliotuda, or whatever mide you happen to come up with, and I’ll arrange to make the payments.

I look forward to hearing from you.