Albert And Frank Enstein: A True Fabricated Story

Freaking News

Freaking News

Albert and Frank Einstein tells the incredibly weird but fabricated (almost true) story of twin brothers, whose similarities are uncannily indistinguishable, and yet totally opposite.

They were born sixty-one years apart in a century far far away, entirely removed from our own century—give or take a couple hundred years.

Older brother Frank, was given life in a dark dank castle located in Gernsheim, Germany in the year 1814. However, it took another four years (until 1818) for him to take his first breath. Which might explain why he remained green faced the rest of his life.

In spite of the fact that his face was described in another book as being yellowish in color.

Now being that this other book was a work of science fiction by someone other than myself—who by the way, was pretending to be an anonymous male at the time, but who in actuality was a female—I think we can safely discount the yellowish colored face description as being totally bogus. Don’t you?

But yet… it’s all totally true!

Younger brother Albert, on the other hand, was born in Baden-Wurttemburg, Germany to a completely normal couple, not singular male parents like those who fostered Frank. Yet it all took place in Germany, just as I’ve said.

Both were men of science, too. Albert explored science, while poor Frank was just a victim of it.

Did I mention that both of the boy’s dads were heavily into electricity? Well they were, and it’s all documented, too.

Would I lie to you?

Frankenseinia

Frankenseinia

Frank stood a monstrous 8′ 2′ tall, while Albert was a more diminutive 5′ 9′ minus in platform boots. Also, both appeared to have suffered from chronic bad hair days.

Mount Holyoke College

Mount Holyoke College

Albert experienced a wild and unruly uncombed fuzz on the top of his head.

This might have been due to him putting one of his fingers into an electrical socket (no doubt, in the name of science) to experience the after-effects of direct current on a persons hair?

Frank, on the other hand, tolerated a more flat-topped angular look.

Scientist still speculate as to how Frank could have maintained such an unusual look, particularly since he had a fondness for wearing metal bolts on both sides of his neck (apparently a fad of the time) which had a tendency to attract lightning bolts.

Could it have been a birth defect passed on down from his father’s fondness for playing with electricity? I tried to talk to some experts at Supercuts about this abnormality, but they appeared to be at a loss as to how to explain this rare phenomenon.

I know this to be true, as my question about Franks bolt defects (both of them) was met with blank stares from said Supercuts experts.

I guess this means we may never truly know the truth about the bolts on Franks neck, or about either of the twins weird hairdos.

However the brothers did share many other similar traits that were not even remotely close to being the same.

For example: Albert’s penchant for talking over peoples heads. Of course Frank did the same thing, but being that he was 8′ 2′ and a bit more basic, his conversations probably bordered on being less intelligent in nature. Likely due to a speech impediment which forced him to communicate only in grunts and groans.

Some other comparisons are made with reference to their brains, too.

Albert’s brain was removed and put into a jar for future study, and by experts. Not like Frank’s abnormal one which was put into his skull prior to electric shock treatments—something I wouldn’t advise.

It was a highly questionable operation, performed by a medical scientist of some repute. Seems he favored the assistants of hunchbacks, and with none of the training in the art of modern brain installing techniques.

In the end, Albert Enstein apparently discovered his regrettable relationship to Frank.

The family had been using a silent E in the front of their last name and Albert obviously sought to distance himself from Frank, and so he took to adding an i behind the E in an attempt to change his last name to that of… Einstein—avoiding the obvious phonetic implications.

Later the i came to stand for… INTELLECTUAL, thus forever separating the brothers…Enstein, forever.

keldavanpatten.com

keldavanpatten.comforever separating the brother’s Enstein, by his adopting a new spelling of their last name so that it now became…

This completely factual account about the brothers historical connection to one another—these rare photos serving as absolute proof that what I’m telling you is true, or may this post end with a sales pitch!—is soon to be a number one best selling novel.

Just as soon as I can get around to writing it.

So naturally you should send me $49.95 (a possible suggested retail price) in advance, and as soon as possible. You see, I need the proper motivation to write it.

That way you won’t miss out on getting your own (rubber stamped autographed) copy from Barnes and Noble, before they sell out of my books entire first edition.

Otherwise, you just might have to settle for a cheaper looking $12.95 paperback.

Trust me, it won’t look nearly as sophisticated—or even contain my fancy rubber stamped autograph—sitting down there on that dusty bottom shelf of yours.

Playing Fast And Loose With The Facts

expert

These days, with all politicians throwing their hats into the ring in an attempt to become president, we’re likely to get an education on how to play fast and loose with the facts. But then again, politicians are experts at that sort of thing, and I’m only an amateur—or am I? politicians

So, would you like to hear my theory on playing it loose with the facts?

Well too bad, I have a few twisted examples before I can complete another ridiculous post. So sit down—please!

First of all, Mark Twain once said, “Get your facts first, than you can distort them as you please.”

For example; George Washington was the first president of the United States, that’s a fact—but he also had wooden teeth. Donald Trump is running for president of the United States, another fact—but he has SOMETHING on his head.

These are the facts, but I’m playing fast and loose with them.

How about a factoid? it’s not really a fact. In reality, it’s a word with an o-i-d added on. That’s verifiable, but a factoid is not.

For those in the know this won’t come as a big shock, but Disney World is not really a world—just a theme park. And, just try New York City, just try and prove to the world (any world) that you’re a Big Apple. You can’t—can you?

Bruce Jenner is not a complete woman—well not yet anyway.

Their might be giants, but it won’t be the San Francisco or New York Giants. Both are frauds! Here’s why—(Y).

Now that that silliness is out of the way here’s why I called both Giant teams, big fibbers.

Justin Maxwell who plays for the San Francisco Giants is only 6’5′ inches tall, and he’s their tallest player.

And Chris Canty and Matt McCants of the New York Giants are the tallest on their team, and each is only 6’7 inches tall. Hardly Giants among men, wouldn’t you say? So those Giants (both of them), aren’t really Giants at all! Oh, that’s a bonus fact. No charge… oh, and that’s a bonus, bonus fact!

full moonThe moon is full… even after its eight—I mean its ate. Well… you have to throw in a few random facts, right?

Bet you all knew that Pluto was considered a planet long before 1919. The International Astronomical Union (IAU) doesn’t think so though. They decided to declare Pluto a dwarf planet. No problem, the (IAU) hasn’t been around as long as Pluto—in fact only SINCE 1919.

So Mickey Mouse decided to name his dog, Pluto. Just let the (IAU) try and declare him one of the 7 dwarfs! They can’t, not in their power. Take that (IAU)!pluto

Elvis sightings are real—even if Mr. Presley is gone—that includes that short order cook at the Sahara.

Sgt. Joe Friday (Jack Webb) from “Dragnet” fame made a living saying “Just the facts mam” even to the men!

Okay, I made that last part up, but I couldn’t leave it at that, not with a cheap laugh still out there to be had. You know, I’m actually starting to feel more like an expert on this subject now.

Anyway, that’s my theory on playing fast and loose with the facts. Now you could appoint a fact finding committee to check them out, but please keep in mind what Albert Einstein once said…

albert“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”

A Letter Addressed To Me At Age 100

letter

Well hello there brand new centurion. So you finally made it to one hundred, did you? Personally (just between you and me) I can’t believe you made it past the age of ten. But, here you are.

The fact that you can read this with your own eyes (you are reading this with your own eyes, aren’t you?) is a good sign that some of your body parts are still working.

Remember, when you first started this project back in Kindergarten? You said that someday you were going to be rich and famous! Even then you were always going for the big belly laugh.

Oh sure as the years went by you may have flirted with the rich and famous, but fame always seemed to elude you—not to mention all the money and influence that goes with it.

That didn’t stop you though.

There was that time at age ten, when you tried to tell everyone you’d discovered Big Foot, living right next door. But, how were you to know that your next door neighbor would take offense to you calling him Big Foot… simply because he had size ten sneakers. bully

Live and learn though, right? At least the beatings only lasted through high school. Okay, so the broken bones were another matter.

But again, here you are at one-hundred; you always were a forward thinking kind of guy. And now its time to reap the benefits of a long life. That’s why you wrote to youself in advance, just in case you got Paulziemers and couldn’t remember your plan B—for getting rich and famous.

So, here are the plan B instructions just as you recorded them…

Keep track of, and record in writing, the names of all the famous figures, celebrities, and rich moguls of your time. Take special note of any peculiarities they might have, especially the more obscure traits that the public may not be familiar with, as these could produce financial rewards to me later in life.

Gather any fact, places they’ve been, where they’ve lived, and relatives still living (just in case), so that when the time comes to implement plan B, you can protect yourself, while still capitalizing on their past fame.

Then, as each one of these noted individuals passes away, you’ll have a detailed dossier to refer to in case your memory fails you.

Now, implement plan B—for you own fame and wealth!

Claim to anyone who will listen (especially the tabloids, gossip magazines, and shows like Inside Edition, and ET—they love that stuff) that you knew so and so way back when.

For instance (using the famous that are already gone as an example); try these on for size, “I was George Washington’s personal dentist” Who would know? And, “Abe Lincoln came to me for clever quips” You certainly would have been the go to guy with future presidential hopefuls.  george

How about this one, “I taught Albert Einstein everything he knows” as he is now gone, academic scholars would have paid to pick your brain. And my favorite, “Cleopatra and I… were secret lovers.” Why the rags of their day would be at your feet… maybe even make you Emperor of Rome!

liarArmed to the teeth with this kind of hidden knowledge, and with you now being linked to the past by your extreme old age, this information, if used discretely long after the rich and famous are gone, could make you a celebrity.

And those left alive (who are the same age) and who would threaten to call you a liar, would probably have dementia, or would just be happy that someone from their day remembers anything at all!

You’ll become world famous. Women will love you… asking you things like, “You and George Clooney hung out together… what was he like?” And the men will ask, “And what was that BIG SECRET—you gave to Steve Jobs?” clooney

Just think, you old geezer; now that your one hundred, you’ll be able to regale people with your fabricated stories… uncontested—so go forth (in your wheelchair), and make your fortune!