Albert And Frank Instein: A True Fabricated Story

Freaking News

Freaking News

Albert and Frank Einstein: A True Fabricated Story, tells the weird and incredibly true (but ambiguously fallacious) story of twin brothers whose similarities were uncannily indistinguishable. I know, because it’s my story!

The tale begins with the two brothers being born sixty-one years apart in a century two-hundred years ago, but not in a galaxy far, far, away.

Why turn the simple story of two men of science into some kind of space opera, right?

As I was saying, older brother Frank came to life in a dark dank castle located in Gernsheim, Germany in the year 1814. However, it took him until 1818 to catch his breath.

That might explain why he had a green face for the better (and worse) part of his life.

That in spite of his face once being described by another writer as yellowish in color in some other strange book. That book being largely considered as an outlandish work of science fiction no less.

And did you know its author pretended to be a male novelist who was a female in reality? It’s true! So, I think we can safely discount his and her description of Franks face as being yellowish in color as a totally bogus discription. Don’t you?

Now Franks younger brother Albert, on the other hand, was born in Baden-Wurttemburg, Germany and to a completely normal couple.

Unlike poor Frank, who was raised by a couple of men who wore lab jackets and who were also known for frequenting graveyards at night, but who obviously raised Frank as their own after he was given up for adoption—likely because of his green face, as most Germans didn’t have green faces at the time.

At least, I don’t think they did?

Both Frank and Albert were men of science as well. However, Albert explored science, while Frank, the taller of the two, seemed more like a victim of it.

Did I mention that both boy’s dads were heavily into electricity? Well it’s true, they were. And it’s all documented, so I wouldn’t really bother to question any of it. God only knows what kind of crazy things you might turn up!

I mean, would I lie to you?



As I said, Frank was tall. He stood a monstrous 8 feet high, while Albert was a more diminutive 5′ 9′ minus the platform boots. Both boys appeared to suffer from chronic bad hair days too.

Mount Holyoke College

Mount Holyoke College

Albert had a wild and unruly uncombed fuzz ball on the top of his head.

This was probably due to his putting one of his fingers into an electrical socket (in the name of science no doubt) to experience the after-effects of direct current on someone’s hair?

Frank, on the other hand, tolerated a flat-topped angular look.

He apparently had an unusual fondness for wearing metal bolts on both sides of his neck (probably a fad in Germany at the time) and thus, not a bolt defect, his hair was slicked down by sweat and steam from a lightening strike.

I talked to the experts at Supercuts (Frank’s barbers of choice) who told me that one day he stiltedly wondered into their place, arms outstretched, and muttered something—grunted mostly—and what you see became hair history.

Which means, I guess, that we may never truly know the whole truth about either of the twins weird hairdos.

However the brothers did share many other similar traits—though not even remotely close to being the same.

For example: Albert had a penchant for talking over peoples heads. Frank did the same thing, of course, but being that he was 8′ 2′ and a bit more basic, his conversations tended to naturally go right over peoples heads.

You’ll note other comparisons with reference to their brains as well.

Albert’s brain was removed and put into a jar for future study, and by experts. Frank’s, abnormal one, on the other hand, was put into his skull prior to electric shock treatments—something I wouldn’t advise.

It was a highly questionable operation performed by a medical scientist who evidently loved ducks. Called a quack by the town folk—and not affectionately I might add—it seems he favored the assistance of a small hunchback, one with none of the training in the art of modern brain installing techniques like we have today. And, well, “Grrr”

In time, Albert Enstein apparently discovered his regrettable relationship to Frank.

The family name began with an I, thus the name “Instein.” Albert, seeking to distance himself from Frank, took to adding a silent E in front of the I in an attempt to change his last name to that of … Einstein instead—avoiding the obvious phonetic implications.

Later the i came to stand for… INTELLECTUAL, thus forever separating the brothers…Enstein.

keldavanpatten.comforever separating the brother’s Enstein, by his adopting a new spelling of their last name so that it now became…

This completely factual account about the brothers historical connection to one another—with these rare photos serving as absolute proof that what I am saying is true—or may this post end with a sales pitch!—serves as notice of the soon to be released arrival of this new number one Best Seller…

Just as soon as I can get around to writing it.

Naturally, that means you should now send me $49.95 (a possible suggested retail price) in advance, and as soon as possible.

You see, I’ll need the proper motivation to write it.

And that way you won’t miss out on getting your own (rubber stamped autographed) copy from Barnes and Noble, before they sell out of my books entire first edition.

Otherwise, you just might have to settle for a cheaper looking $12.95 paperback.

Trust me, it won’t look nearly as sophisticated—or even contain my fancy rubber stamped autograph—sitting down there on that dusty bottom shelf of yours.

So act now and don’t miss out on one of the greatest books ever to be written … some day.


“I Got A Rock!”

And this is it!

And this is it!

Oh, this is just great. Here it is, Halloween, and our youngest son told us he was in need of a new costume for going out to Trick or Treat tonight.

screamWasn’t the Scream costume we bought him five years ago, good enough? At the time, he begged for it—on his hands and knees while clutching my leg as I left the store—it WAS top of the line then. It’s only been five years… surely it’s top of the line now, I thought.

spiritI mean I’ve been to the local Halloween Spirit store, and there are tons of plastic faced Frankenstein, Werewolf, and Dracula costumes hanging there from the 1940’s—all just under $9.95. Obviously, still as popular today as they were 75 years ago—why else would they still be hanging around?

So, SCREAM, must still be a scream after only five years…right?

But, that was not the worst of it… oh no. He further informed us that the neighborhood kids deliberately started avoiding our house on Halloween, not because it looked so scary—even though I did put a small fortune and many hour’s of work into making it look EXPENSIVELY spooky—just ask my protesting wife!

No, he said, instead, they are avoiding our house annually because we only hand out a piece of fruit and one piece of candy per Trick or Treater. He then mentioned how the kids all claim that the candy we give out is always the assorted Jolly Rancher kind.

Well, I can’t deny it, they are the best—smallest candy you can buy, that’s cheap!

Also, he mumbled something about how the kids pointed out that we always make sure to tuck into their trick or treat bags, a cost assessment breakdown of every bag of candy we buy for them.

This, along with an explanation that because of the increased cost in candy, we’ve had to cut back on our Halloween candy handouts. Can’t have ill-informed marauding Trick or Treaters now, can we? trick or treat

After all, while the kids count their candy, we parents have to count the cost.

But now my son has warned us that the little urchins are planning an attack on our house—so devastating—that it would put to shame, any house teepeeing, rotten egg tossing, splattered window fiasco’s, they’ve ever done in the past.

And, that it involves the launching of a rock… the size of an asteroid, with the face of a skull no less!

And he said that they told him, that the only thing that could save us; would be if we bought him the best Halloween costume of his choice. And also, forking over the best candy money can buy when they show up at our door on October 31st.

Naturally, being nobody’s fool, I required proof of such a threat.

He produced the picture above. I asked him, “What’s this?” He told me it was the proof I demanded. When I told him I’d need more than just a picture, he said, “Call NASA and ask them if I doubt that a giant skull faced Rock is heading our way on Halloween?”

Naturally, I scoffed at him and called, NASA. Well, as it turns out; he telling the truth!

NASA, confirmed that there is an asteroid size rock hurdling our way for tonight, and that it does have a skull shaped face.

Of course, I immediately broke down and went out and bought my youngest son a new super deluxe Ironman suit, complete with all the fire power he could possibly need to defend our home against marauding ghouls and goblins—and big skull shaped rocks.

Plus, just in case trick or treat attackers were to get by him while he was out trick or treating, I took the added precaution of shelling out thousands of dollars for hundreds of boxes of See’s candies to hand out. You know, just in case.

After all, the last thing you’d ever want to say on Halloween is—wait for it—”I GOT A ROCK.”

Trying To Get A Rise Out Of People

the dead

The year was 1814 and Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein was busy pilfering bodies in order to build his modest practice—that of raising the dead. Everyday, starting at nine A.M. the deceased would start arriving at his office.

doctorVictor wanted to raise his new creations right, but he was going to need a lot of help—A LOT OF HELP!

At first, his office temps—working for minimum wage—had no problem handling the work load. But, it wasn’t long before the temps were overwhelmed by the shear number of walking dead coming through the office doors…windows… and roof. So much so in fact… that the day, and swing shift temps became working zombies themselves.  imagesOI07Y9H3 zombie

This unforeseen nightmare forced the GOOD doctor (it would be a long time before he became better than a good doctor, and would attain the rank of… specialist) to advertise on Craigslist, for someone to assist him on the graveyard shifts.

You see, word had spread so fast among those in the cadaver community, that they were starting to come out of the cemetery in staggering numbers, so much so in fact, that the doctor couldn’t make time for his nightly ritual of grave robbing. Thus, the need for a new hire to take over soliciting the graveyard on his behalf.

Enter, Eyegore, that’s Eyegore with an E.

A young man, who had read a series of books about a character named, Victor Hugo. He became so obsessed with the writer of the books—one Quasimodo by name—that he got a bad eyestrain from reading up on him in all the tabloids.

That, and a bad back from sitting hunched over his keyboard every night until sunrise, researching for more facts on Wikipedia about his favorite writer.

untitled quasimodoHe learned how his hero, Quasimodo, had played football at university. But, as Quasimodo had not eaten enough to play fullback for the Notre Dame team, it became necessary for Quasi to play hunchback, under then coach, Knute Rockne. The coach weighed more than Quasimodo expected, and this forced Quasimodo into a BAD BACK, and BACKFIELD.

But, Quasimodo carried Rockne to one victory after another, until one day…

Quasimodo broke down at the five and ten paper stand, due to bad press… and some wobbly knees. And so, he gave up playing football and concentrated on becoming a writer. However, Rockne never got over it, and that’s when he went out to the players and gave that famous speech about, “Go out and win one for the Gimper.”

Some historians swear he said limper, but the word ‘Gimper’ made for better yellow journalism. Well, that’s enough back story on, Eyegore.

Back to the medical profession and doctors who had more legitimate practices than Victor Frankenstein (for example: the kind that paid money) like plastic surgeons, chiropractors, dentist, and electrocardiologist. One day, one of the heads from the FDA (the Food and Drug Administration) came walking in—which Victor thought was a pretty neat trick (particularly since this guy had no body!), and asked…

dowell head“What’s all this rigmarole we hear about you raising the dead?”

Victor, looked down at his extremely lazy, but always hungry dog (named Frankenweenie), who hadn’t moved in weeks, and thought for a moment, before saying…  dog

“Well, I think its possible.” then he continued…

“For example; look at this dead dog—a slight exaggeration, but not by much—to look at him you’d think it impossible you’d ever be able to get a rise out of him. But, with the snap of my fingers… and this here dog biscuit, I can bring him back from the dead. I think it has something to do with Pavlov’s dogs”

Some guy named, Petrovich Pavlov, was Victors neighbor. He ran a kennel.

Anyway, just like that, Frankenweenie rose from the dead and pranced all around Victor. He’d follow Victor from one corner of the room to the other around, never once taking his eye off of the dog biscuit.

The head from the FDA  smiled in amazement, “That’s very impressive!” he said. Then he asked “But, will it work on humans?”

Victor thought for a moment and replied, “I doubt it, people are much more complicated—they hate dog biscuits.”