The Last Word On Famous Last Words

 

“A few words about last words, from the beloved CEO of “The Attic”—whose words here, our not our words.” Signed: the employees of “The Attic”

Yes, it’s true, I’ve returned!

See, last May, when I decided to lay down and take a nap, I never dreamed that that nap would turn into a nine month siesta. Instead, I dreamed it might become a nine month nightmare.

That explains why I’ve decided to make up for my Rip Van Winkle absence—to all three of you—by attempting to write one quality (or one abysmal) post every single Friday.

Or, until WordPress finds out I’m back.

In which case, you’ll likely be spared irreversible damage to your retinas from read this (less than informative) blog.

So, here goes nothing—but most of you already knew that.

Now it’s an acknowledged fact—take my word for it because I haven’t done the research yet—that Marc Anthony, while he laid dying having fallen on his sword, yelled out to Cleopatra…

“Aflac!”

It’s true—if you don’t do any empirical research.

This deeply puzzled Cleopatra because she’d always assumed Anthony was covered by Blue Cross.

Then Cleopatra was bitten by a couple of asps.

That’s when she decided that she wanted to utter a few famous last words of her own— thereby upstaging the ever-theatrical Mark Anthony. And so she screamed—to no one in particular…

“Snakes, why’d it have to be snakes?”

Cleopatra’s last words were thought to have been lost to all of history. Until one day, the great film adventurer and archaeologist, Indiana Jones, excavated her last words from one of her tomb’s bathroom walls where they had sat—scribbled in permanent marker—for centuries.

The story goes that Jones discovered the wall while searching for a magical lamp—one modeled after a woman’s leg topped by a lampshade.

Suggesting the dig for the lamp took place somewhere near the ancient city of—Cleveland, Ohio.

Indy, later went on to adopt Cleopatra’s famous last words as something of a catch phrase for himself. This resulted in a rather nasty lawsuit—brought against him by Cleopatra’s estate.

The whole thing was eventually settled out of court, but, not before Jones paid an expensive licensing fee for the use of Cleo’s famous last words.

And what became of the dubious estate attorneys who brought this frivolous lawsuit? They’ve not be seen or heard from since …except on afternoon talk shows—like Dr. Phil.

It’s all a matter of public record, you can request a copy of the records if you’d like? But, why bother—since I’ve already provided them for you right here.

And for free!

Except for a one time payment of $39.95 (plus shipping and handling) for my new (complete, unabridged, soon to be written) book entitled…

“All the Famous Last Words Ever Spoken … As Far as You Know”

In it, you’ll find some of the greatest famous last words ever spoken. Take for example: Julius Caesar’s.

Bet you didn’t know Julius Caesar’s famous last words were phrased in the form of a question? Oh hush up and stop taking credit for it, Richard Edes…

Everyone already knows he was auditioning for the game show, “Jeopardy” at the time.

Also it appears he kept a journal (discovered in his palace by the FBI while searching for clues to his murder) where he’d apparently been experimenting for months in search of just the right words to say—just in case he were to meet with an unexpected death.

Yet, it seems he was only able to come up with that perplexing question of, “Et tu, Brute.” Which, when translated (by me) to read, “You too, Brutus?”

Naturally, this incriminated Brutus, who as it turns out, actually took a stab at answering Caesar’s perplexing question—with the help of a few friends.

Then, there was Ramses the II.

Now, it’s not well known but while he was gaining on Moses and the Israelites in that great chariot race to the Red Sea … he somehow lost the keys to his chariot and it stalled out.

Not having pit crews back in those days, Ramses the II (fearing once he’d located his keys he might have to give chase into the sea after Moses himself) turned to Marvin, his second in command, and said…

“Hey Marvin, be so kind as to give chase after Moses into the Red Sea for me, won’t you? Seems, I’ve lost the keys to my chariot back in the desert somewhere, and now I’m gonna have to return home to get my other set of keys.”

They were probably in his other pair of trousers.

Anyway, the point is, it wasn’t Ramses the II who uttered those famous last words, “Oh crap!” at the Red Sea when it closed up over his army, as initially thought, but poor old Marvin instead.

However, I’d say his last words seem quite apropos, wouldn’t you? Particularly, since it was Marvin’s last assignment.

In my book, I also take you way back to the beginning and the very first famous last words ever spoken. Remember Abel, of Cain and Abel fame? His famous last words were…

“Hey, I’ve been shot!”

Of course, ballistics being what they were then—and Cain being a believer in the Second Amendment as well as knowing his Miranda Rights—means that we’ll probably never know what kind of gun Cain used in the commission of the crime.

All the same, Abel’s famous last words were likely dead on.

Now I can’t speak to the many NOT SO FAMOUS last words uttered by other folks.

With the exception of a few last words from, Herbert the Expert Marksman of “Herbert the Expert Marksman’s Archery Shop” who said…

“Ouch, that hurts!”

This was back in 1548, when Herbert the Expert Marksman suddenly died in a tragic bow and arrow accident.

Or so, Jerry the Nave, (his assistant) claimed.

It was afterward that, Jerry the Nave, wound up inheriting Herbert’s wife “Errolyn the Beautiful” who went (reluctantly) to Jerry the Nave as part of Herbert’s inheritance.

Along with all of Herbert the Expert Marksman’s Fortune 500 shop.

Earl, Jerry the Nave’s brother, was the sitting judge at the hearing and he ruled Herbert’s death a suicide—by bow and arrow.

Uh … Herbert’s bow and arrow.

Can you believe that? Well I certainly hope so, as it will go a long way towards the sale of my (soon to be written) book.

By the way, all the details about Herbert’s demise were revealed to me in a letter written by Herbert himself, posthumously—after his death.

I don’t know how that’s possible?

All I know is the letter was addressed to me with specific instructions that I not open its contents—until after I was born.

Naturally, I agreed.

I can only surmise, that he met with Nostradmus, who then alerted him to my book, which was to be written in the future. Obviously, the poor guy wanted to be included in a #1 Best Seller!

How could I say no to him—I’d never met the guy!

 

 

 

Advertisement