Invasion Of The Body Attackers

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They’re here I tell ya, you must believe me! I mean, if you can’t trust a blogger then who can you trust?

Some doctor?

What? Entrust your safety to someone known for taking the hypocritical oath? That would mean putting all your trust in someone who dabbles in medical hypocrisy.

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Don’t you feel it much better to put all your trust in someone like me—an almost respected blogger on WordPress? Of course you do.

Sort of puts your mind at ease, doesn’t it? Especially when I’m about to tell you that…

WE’VE JUST BEEN INVADED BY ALIEN CREATURES FROM OUTER SPACE!

Yes, you read that correctly, we’ve been invaded!

Invaded by not just any alien creatures either, but alien creatures who fly, have lots of eyes, way too many legs, and who have antennae to help them communicate with their widely (literally) acknowledged extraterrestrial leader, Orson.

Consult—Mork & Mindy, circa 1978, for additional details.

Of course, science would have us all believe that they’re nothing more than a bunch of creepy crawly insects. Creepy crawly insects?

Who do all these crackpot scientists think they’re kidding? Didn’t we all saw Starship Troopers when it first came out?

Well, some of us did, but most of us saw TITANIC.

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All the same, you have to ask yourself, do alien insects—or Doogy Howser for that matter—look like they belong here with the rest of us on earth? Especially, Doogy. Doogy always wore a lab coat, not some long leather jacket. Bleck!

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THEY LOOK HIDIOUS!

Universal rejects if you ask me. Nothing but a bunch of alien species from some other planets sent here—JUST TO BUG US.

Arnie, from Elmer’s Tire Shop, told me all about it.

He said it’s all part of their Plan 9 from Outer Space thing.

You see, their Plan 8 thing went bad when they accidentally invaded the moon by mistake. Just after The Big Bang Theory exploded on the scene way back in 2007.

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Arnie (who when he’s not working on bicycle tires), is actually an obscure world famous alien bugologist who used to wear a lab coat similar to the one Doogy used to wear, but now wears street clothes like the rest of us.

Arnie works deep inside a top secret mountain fortress located somewhere in the state of Kansas—a state known for it’s high mountains.

No doubt, that’s because Arnie feels the wide open spaces of Kansas provide the ideal place for these creatures—THE ALIENS—to hide and reproduce in without being easily detected.

However, it should be noted that the Alien Bugologist of Guatemala don’t work in a secret mountain fortress. They work in a little hill fortress located in back of Cecil’s Burrito Shop. Maybe that’s because Guatemala’s mountains are mostly volcanic.

Nevertheless (with that little piece of twaddle now having been completely cleared up), Arnie says that all bugologist these days don’t actually wear lab coats much anymore.

This is because of the “Great Gary Larson’s Far Side Strike of 1987.”

See, Alien Bugologist were forced to give up wearing them after Gary Larson, creator of the comic strip “The Far Side” took to drawing CRACKPOT SCIENTIST in lab coats—instead of drawing the more nobler alien bugologist in lab coats.

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God only knows why, but I suspect, promises were made, endorsements were given, and money exchanged all under the table—possibly from a duped Scientific America employee.

No doubt, this was done on behalf of a rather dubious group of crackpot (mad) scientist who wanted to be seen as more important than they really are.

Eventually the great, Gary Larson, was forced to retire—if only to save the reputation of his great comic strip, The Far Side.

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Anyway, Arnie, tells me that since Tony Stark and “The Avengers” took over the job of protecting us and our planet, all the best scientific minds have given up on the idea of ever trying to stop this invasion—they eventually went underground to become Morloks.

Consult the film—The Time Machine, circa 1960, for more details.

I’m afraid that that leaves only you and I (and some pest control companies) to stop this invasion—which has become an all out infestation if you ask me.

Why just the other night, my wife and I had an alien encounter ourselves in downstairs bathroom. Oh, the bloodcurdling screams that came from that bathroom.

Then my wife joined me in screaming. Or rather, told me to stop screaming and do something.

That’s when I reached for a rolled up magazine and began to wage a life or death struggle with one of the eight legged creatures.

Finally, I had to retreat to a Motel 6 over in the next state, where (according to Tom Bodett) they leave the light on for ya.

I suppose that’s on the off chance that when you have a close encounter—of the eight-legged kind—you’ll at least have a safe house to go to at around $60 a night—give or take a buck or two.

Now I’ve always subscribed to the opinion that anything with more than two legs should probably be regarded as something otherworldly.

Which could explain why I’ve never been attacked from behind by a Chihuahua…or rabid Dogapus—a fictional but docile creature fond of man.

I read all about it in Geek Monthly. I’m told that one, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, discovered the creature. A likeness of the creature can occasionally be found on a T-Shirt.

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Anyway, eight legs is just six too many, folks. Which is why I strongly urge you to fear such aliens.

That, and they’re much faster than we are—not to mention…MUCH, MUCH SMALLER.

Let me just say that to be chased by a creature one inch in length—NEARLY 3 CENTIMETERS LONG—is to know shear terror.

At one point, I got so scared that I rushed out to buy a pack of “Depend” absorbant underwear—which I promptly went through all in one night.

But that’s only because my wife found out about the purchase (she hadn’t factored it into our budget yet) and promptly began to beat me with a frying pan.

Creepy crawly aliens and a wife whose budget is out of whack, are probably not to be trifled with.

Now, I suspect you probably think that I’m just making all this stuff up because I needed a post for my blog.

Well yeah, but just ask yourself these following questions before you discount anything I’ve told you as being nothing more than a bunch of rubbish.

Like, why is my blog not read by more readers? Could it be that maybe, just maybe, my massive amount of potential readers were abducted and consumed by aliens, and not (as WordPress suggested) that I write only worthless content of no value to anyone?

Gives one pause, doesn’t it?

Or let me ask you this one. How are alien insects able to control those flying saucers when they have so many legs getting in the way? “Look ma, NO HANDS!

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Also, who are the contractors who designed all those unidentified flying objects up there?

Could it be…TESLA? And, where can I buy one in a midnight blue?

I mean, if the darn things are gonna lose value the instant we fly them off the lot, shouldn’t we be able to get one in our favourite colour?

At the very least… one at a Kelley (PROJECT) Blue Book price?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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43 comments on “Invasion Of The Body Attackers

    • I love what you write about too, GP because I feel it’s important to know what happens in war and how our troops (and the enemy as well) are affected by circumstances greater than themselves, and yet, courageously carry out orders in the face of unimaginable horrors. As for writing a book, I’m encouraged at how many other folks have said the same thing to me. Oh, if only the publishers were as encouraging as you lovely folks—then that five or six-figure advance would be as good as in the bank—and serve as further motivativation to spring even more of my humor on an unsuspecting public. Thank you for that welcome praise, GP. :O)

      • You and I both, GP. Time is an enemy when it comes to making time to blog. Finding time to comment can be a real challenge, but I’m always trying. But, yeah, I know what you mean. Wished I had more of it because it’s a real commodity. :O)

    • Scott, so you too have been attacked by alien insects. Of course, how else could you know about Motel 6? We’re brothers up to our necks in arms and legs. Proud to serve with you, Scott! ‘O)

    • Jan, I caught one in our bathtub last week. He was carrying a tiny handicapped placard, probably hoping I’d see his eight-legged CARcass as being disabled. Naturally, my instincts told me he wasn’t really handicapped at all. Unfortunately, being an inadequately trained alien insect commando at the time (no rolled up magazine) I was only able to remove one of his legs during hand to hand (uh… hand to leg) combat. I ACCIDENTALLY flushed him down the drain. But, just wait until next time, he’ll not find me so merciful—no more waterslides for him. My wife has since made me replace all the tiny innertubes with—rubber duckies! 😀

    • Drawing? Ally, I’ll have you know that’s an actual photograph I took at a Dogapus park! Yep, you’re right about that Orson, though, he can cast a pretty big shadow over the universe. Probably uses a 3D printer to replicate them all—he’s diabolical I tell ya. 😀

    • Thank you, Erika. Well, it’s all very hush, hush you know—the mosquito squadrons an all. However, I was told by Arnie, that early on some of our scientists at the highest levels (they were standing on 12-foot high scaffolding at the time) were trying to do some outdoor reconnaissance work under cover of darkness (just after sundown), when the dive-bombing, blood-suckers from the aliens air core swooped down on them and pulled off a surprise sneak attack on our boys in white (the scientist were wearing white lab coats at the time as part of their camouflage) and well, the attack, it wasn’t pretty—they all needed a transfusion. 😀

      • As you know, Erika, I wrote the book on the subject of insect-alien matter. Well, a post on it anyway. Still, I don’t like to brag when I say, “You’re in good hands with Paul State.” Regarding the transfusion, the doctors tell me the colour should return which means I should be back to my old pasty white self in no time. 😀

  1. Paul, I have seen the aliens you speak of. I happen to be the designated alien-killer in the family. I believe I was chosen because I didn’t hear the question properly and my wife took one step backward after asking it, thereby making me the one who “stepped up” to take on that task. They are cunning indeed, often revealing themselves at the most inopportune time…although any run-in is unwelcome. Beware of the lab coats too. Don’t trust any of ’em. They think they’re sooooo smart. Not so much!

    • WHAT BRAVERY! Bruce, I too was volunteered in a similar fashion. Of course, this kind of bravery runs in my loins—and sometimes down my pant leg. You’re right about their cunning too. Once I cornered one in the living room—no possible escape. When suddenly—he began to ascend the wall! I swear each of them must be equipped with tiny suction cups or something. Anyway, I gave chase. That is… until he started walking on the ceiling—UPSIDE DOWN NO LESS! My wife came in and saw me clinging to the ceiling and screamed, thereby scaring the bejeebers out of me. Naturally, and I fell back to earth. As for those lab coat wearers. Well, Arnie does tend to wear his lab jacket inside out a lot which I must admit doesn’t look too smart. All the same, it’s good to know, we (the old home guard) are still the last line of defence against these creatures—THE GOVERNMENT STILL ACTS AS IF THEY DON’T EXIST. Makes you wonder what they’re trying to hide from us in Area 51 doesn’t it? I’ll bet its…”THEM!”

  2. Ha- I have always thought one should think it iré trusting someone who’ Known for taking an hypocritical oath. 😆 plus, what’s wrong with them? Why can’ at least the Aliens 👽… even more when invasions are a fact…we can’t just rely on Superheroes, right?… oh and as to what you say as to insects 🐜🕷 … I have always wondered why we tend to picture extraterrestrial life in a pretty much similar shape than ours?. Yes, we definitely think in relation to ourselves … 🧐 love and best wishes, my friend

    • Aquileana, please excuse my late response, I’ve been on vacation. Yes, one should think twice before putting their trust in someone who would take an oath after a Greek physician (a vet no less) who was probably known for treating hippos. Besides, I’ve always thought it better to put our hopes in gods rather than superheroes—because I think gods don’t need capes. You raise a good question … why do we imagine aliens would look anything like us? Perhaps we’re a bit too self-absorbed? 😀

    • Right you are, Mitch, and I realize now that I probably should have waited until Halloween to post that most dire of warnings to the people of earth. When I failed to post any other (erroneous) alerts of a ghoulish nature between May 9th and October 31st I suspected some might inquire as to my whereabouts? But, alas, during that time no one sought to ask whether I was well, convalescing, or dead? And good thing too, because if I were dead (due to the invasion) imagine how haunting (not to mention nearly impossible) a post from the great beyond would have been for me? WordPress, might have loved it, though? Think of the publicity! Still, the blame for not writing in that time rests on me and I’ll have to live with the guilt that I almost feel for the rest of my…well…for the rest of this response anyway. I appreciate the wonderful comment, and am well and happy too. Thank you for asking, Mitch. Likewise, I hope you and your family are the same? You might be happy to know that your inquiry has motivated me to start writing again. And hopefully, no one on or at WordPress will blame you for that revelation. 😀

  3. Paul, just stopping by to wish you and yours the very best for 2019! We’ve both apparently been away from WP for quite awhile now. Perhaps the New Year will bring new Press Posts from us both?!?! (Can the blogosphere possibly handle such seismic activity…?)

    • I’m not sure but I suspect they’re gonna find out soon. Thank you, and a Happy 2019 to you and your family too, Bruce. Oh, and good luck this weekend with the Eagles! I like their chances, I really do. :O)

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