It Was All A Big Mistake!

satire-major-hochstetter-nazi-gestapo

Whoops! Apparently a former employee of ours from, “In My Cluttered Attic” (going by the name of Bob), went and hijacked my blog yesterday (without my notice), and then proceeded to go about telling the world that it was going to end.

He even tried to create AN EVEN GREATER STIR, by telling the worlds populace that my blog “In My Cluttered Attic” was also coming to an end!

Well, you’ll all be happy to know that this bounder and cad has been apprehended by this sites secret police. He is being held in a secluded maximum security prison where some inhuman experiments are now being conducted on him. He’ll trouble you no more.

Normally I would not divulge the nature of these inhuman experiments, but in this case—and as a warning to others who would dare to overthrow and use this site for anything else, but humor and gaiety—I am going to let you all in on the cruel treatment he is currently undergoing.

First of all, upon his incarceration, former SS officers (who had been hiding out in Brazil) were brought in (don’t worry, we here at ‘The Attic’ paid them the proper American minimum wage) to do a thorough interrogation. At first, they were not as excited about the work as we had hoped.

Naturally, we showed little patience with our interrogators (its the American way) as many of them are not only long out of practice, but also hobbled and crippled by age. But, our use of the finest whips money can buy eventually compelled them to do our bidding. We find this works quite well, except for when a certain number of these slackers die on us.

That’s when we really had to crack down on them. Thus, the need for a new time clock where they have to punch in before they can conduct their inhuman experiments. Now they can’t wait to get to work. However, they still hate that time clock..

But back to our prisoner.

The torture for his crimes have been hideous, but no more than he deserves. First they took away his half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich… and under no circumstances was he permitted to have a glass of milk. NO MILK FOR HIM! He’s also forbidden to watch ‘Dancng with the Stars’ (we discovered that he secretly worships Tom Bergeron).  tombergeron

And lastly, he was asked to take down his posters of Caitlyn Jenner from his cell walls, and replace them with Bruce Jenner’s posters.

cheneyhuntingNow, some of you may find this kind of treatment harsh and uncivilized. We here at ‘The Attic’ get that. But, we also feel the punishment should fit the crime. After all, we were no less harsh with former Vice President (god I love saying that), Dick Cheney, when we took away his rifle after his famous misfire.

Or when we took away President Obama’s birth certificate for naming his dog Bo. Of course at the time we had no idea that the Donald would have a field day with that one. But, our reluctance to let anyone off the hook knows no bounds.

Especially when it comes to former employee, Bob.

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34 comments on “It Was All A Big Mistake!

    • We caught him hiding out in front of In My Cluttered Attic’s basement using an alias. He was calling himself, Dr.Robert Bob. Doctor of what? Fortunately, our experts weren’t fooled one bit by his extremely complicated fake name. We might have found him sooner if he hadn’t changed his shirt from yesterday.

    • And Jan, boy do we have some really cool ideas. Some we’ve never even tried before! Like having Bob plugging in a toaster while he sits in a hot tub. I’ve always wanted to find out if that really works. Or, having him drink arsenic to see if people really do foam at the mouth after they take it. You know, stuff like that. I’ll keep you posted on our findings. :O)

      • Thanks. I hate it when people, even total strangers, keep reminding me that he is family. But blood is thicker than water, I guess. And he’s thicker than most.
        You are truly a kind man. And so good looking, too. I’m thinking of breaking up with Johnny depp…

      • Yes, Bob does have a bit of a thick skull. Probably why we started referring to him as the numb-skull around here. So you think I look handsome? Thank goodness I got that nose job, it has made all the difference! Eat your heart out Johnny. 😀

    • Shannon, sometimes its necessary to take extreme measures in order to preserve the insanity of “The Attic.” But I’m sure that as soon as all the facts are made public—by Edward Snowden—you’ll understand we did the right thing by not letting him drink cow juice.

  1. In my experience all Bobs are bad news, especially this one italian greyhound I pet-sat for! At least now you’ll know to discriminate more readily for your next employee! Also it sounds like the punishment couldn’t have been more perfect, although putting up the Bruce Jenner posters may have been a little harsh…

    • He probably (the greyhound) didn’t like the name Ro-bear-toe (be sure to pronounce it in your strongest quasi Italian accent). Yet, I do feel really bad about the Bruce Jenner fiasco—but once a year I have this terrible urge to humiliate some unfortunate employee. I’m on pills for it you know. Apparently there’s no cure, it heredity, it runs rampant through the office!

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