Before the bench
I was driving down the freeway, and yes…I’m fully qualified to operate a motorized vehicle. I obtained my Disneyland Autopia License at the age of eight, and I have never had an accident in my life. 
Anyway, I suddenly realized that there were white squiggly marks on the passenger windows in the back seat of my car.
Whats that? How fast was I going while looking at the back windows? Oh, no more than 85… tops!
So, I immediately pulled over and off to the side of the freeway and got out to have a look. There appeared to be quite a few squiggly lines on both my windows, but none on the rear window.
It wasn’t long before this nice highway patrol officer here, pulled up behind me and got out to see what the problem was. He came over and asked, “Flat tire?”
I replied to him calmly, “No.” So then he says to me…
“Oh, engine trouble, huh?” I just had to shake my head in disbelief your honor. I mean, we haven’t had any Indian problems for years—with the possible exception of the Washington Redskins of late. Well, not since the days of the Stanford Indians respectfully changing their name to the Stanford Cardinal. 
So I asked your officer, politely of course, “Are you out of your mind? I have no reservations about Indians? That’s NFL owner, Daniel Snyder’s problem!”
I was met with a quizzical look from your officer. I mean, talk about being out of touch. You folks are obviously overworking your people. Your officer apparently has had very little time to read the papers, or watch the news while consuming his daily supply of donuts and coffee.
Anyway, he then asked me, “Well then, whats the emergency?”
Taking into consideration that the poor man has been terribly overworked, I pointed to my rear side windows and said, “Look at that.” he turned to look at my side windows. Then, with this blank expression on his face, he looked back at me and replied…”So?”
So I took time to explain to him, very slowly I might add, so that he would understand every word I said…
“Look, I just cleaned the entire car two days ago. Inside and out. I vacuumed, I scrubbed, and I wiped down both sides of the windows… I even Simonized my car. And now this” 
I then pointed at my windows again.
Still, your officer seemed out of touch and with a face that could only come from someone having had a full frontal lobotomy he responded to me with, “I don’t see the problem.”
I then took out my cell phone—he then pulled out his gun— and I then called my wife. The officer sarcastically asked, “Calling your attorney?” I told him “No, my wife.” With a smile he nodded his head up and down and jokingly said, “Is she an attorney?” Again I said, “No.” Then he looked down and said…
“Oh… that’s too bad.”
When my wife answered the phone I began to describe to her how the back seat windows looked like they had squiggly lines all across them, even though I had just cleaned the car two days ago.
Naturally, I asked her how that could be?
She laughed and told us, your officer and I, how yesterday she had put our youngest daughter’s dog—his name is Simon—in the back seat of our car so that she could take him to the dog run. She concluded by suggesting that Simon must have ran his nose along the windows while he was looking outside.
I then smiled at your officer, sheepishly of course, and joked “I guess you could say our daughter’s dog… Simonosed my car.”
He didn’t seem to be too amused and that’s why I’m standing here before you now, judge. Hey, I don’t suppose you guys could loosen the handcuffs a little bit? You know, they feel awfully tight. 
In My Cluttered Attic 
That Disneyland license sure looks authentic to me. How could there be any concern about your drive to drive?
That’s what I said too, or something to that effect. And to think I threw myself on the Mercy of the court! But, how was I to know she was the court appointed stenographer? I’m sorry Mercy, do you think you could get the judge to drop the aggravated assault charge? I promise, it’ll never happen again. Besides, I was framed, the bailiff tripped me!
Seriously… has Your Honour no heart? Does he not realise how absolutely frustrating it is to have some snot-nosed dog ruin perfectly good window not two days after it had been spit-polished? Damn shame, I say…
Seriously! Well thank goodness you understand the magnitude of the problem, Dale. The insolent pup! And that judge, why he acted like he didn’t even know who I was. I told him I’d let it go this time, but that it better not happen again.
Absolutely! Why I’ve given up washing the windows in my living room as the two blasted cats think that the kedge outside is theirs and that marking it with their paws and noses is their right…
Wow, I never even knew cats had rights! I wonder if they could procure me some rights? The reason I ask, Dale, is because I was denied an a peel by the guards on the grounds that prisoner’s (like me) tend to throw banana peels on the ground, and they (the guards) could slip and fall. Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous in all your life? 😀
They don’t wait for permission… them thar peels is dangerous stuff. Do you have a history of using a peel before?
Only by accident. I’m innocent I tell ya, I was framed. Top of the world ma! 😀
Lol….engine trouble…Indians. I swear, I really don’t know where you come up with these stories. Wait…this was fictional, right? This didn’t really happen to you? You’re not still in handcuffs, are you? Is Daniel Snyder going to get representation for you? Will you still have acces to a computer in prison so you can still write? Do you need an apple pie delivered with a file inside? There’s probably a whole lot of interesting stories you can write from your cell. Has your bunk mate “introduced” himself to you yet?
Can’t wait for the follow up. Do you need me to start a defense fund?
LMAO! Slow down, George! So many questions, and I only have SO MUCH time on my hands (about 19 years, and that’s with good behavior!) now that I’m behind bars. My wife keeps saying “Only you, Paul, only you.” Even she found it hard to believe at first, but then she noticed that I’d left open that book by Barbara Wa Wa “How Not to Make Friends and Influence People…Especially Judges” then she realized I’d went and done something stupid…AGAIN. And Danny, well now he’s acting like he doesn’t even know me—well actually he doesn’t, but that’s besides the point. And my cellmate, Elmer, he’s okay, but he has this odd obsession with dropping the bar of soap and wanting me to bend over and pick it up. I keep telling him I never use the stuff. I’ll say this for him…he’s nothing if not persistent. Hey, but the guards released me from the cuffs and even gave me a new jacket! They probably don’t make very much money though, because they couldn’t afford a whole jacket, it has no arms, but lots of belts. Yeah, an apple pie would be great! But, I could probably do without the file, the prison dentist told me it would be bad for my teeth. But, George, they took my laptop away! And worse, I don’t know how to use a pen and paper anymore! Yeah, I think a martial arts self-defense fund would be great, I’m going to need all the help I can get during the breakout.
lol… You can probably ask Elmer to teach you self defense but that would probably be counter productive and I’m sure he’d want a favor in return. But hey, with no computer or pencil and paper you may need a little diversion..:) get me the plans to the prison and I’ll see if I can contact some people to spring you.
I gave the plans to Clint Eastwood. They were clearly marked as “Escape from Alcatraz” you should have them any day now, George. Gee, I wonder whats taking him so long to get them to you. I sure hope the warden isn’t reading my text messages here. You know, I never thought about that, George. That might prove to be a little problem for us. Hey, hey warden, if you’re reading this, George had nothing to do with any possible breakout, only his people on the inside had anything to do with it. You can take my word for it. There George, now you won’t be implicated.
Too late…Elmer’s brother, a Mr. Abner Haywood “Bubba” Hendersonvilletown (his friends call him “Doobie” is standing right beside me in 6×8 foot cell and it’s getting a little too cozy in here for me, if you know what I mean. Seems like Clint may have to engineer a double escape. But he’s done that before so I feel better about our plans. Gotta go..Doobie is smiling at me with only two teeth showing and it’s making me nervous.
LOL, thanks to this response I’m having a good laugh, but I feel everyone thinks I’m having a seizure. 😀
Throughout this post I kept wondering what could these squiggly lines possibly be? Even during the, um, friendly exchange with the police officer I was on the edge of my seat needing an answer. The ending was so worth the wait. Simonosed – I did not see that one coming haha. 🙂
Steph, I’m so glad the payoff made you laugh. 😀
Driving with squiggly lines! That’s terrible! It’s a good thing you pulled over so they could catch you. I was once driving down 101 at about 101mph when a CHP pulled into the lane behind me. I immediately put on my blinker, slowed and prepared to pull off the road. He whizzed on by. But at least I did not have squiggly lines on my windows!
Thank goodness, Jan. But I still proclaim my innocence. Dog gone that pup framed me! 😀
Don’t mess with the law, Paul, it’s just ‘snot worth it ! ☺
LOL got me! 😀
My dog threw up in my car and slobbered so much it was inside and outside – you are lucky it was just wavy lines of snot! haha!
LOL, Jodi. Thank goodness for that. For a minute there, I feared I’d find myself in court with Perry Mason defending me, and Mr. Booger as the prosecutor. 😀
Hope you got someone to bail you out of the kennel!
Talk about being in the dog house, Allen. I tried to bribe the dog catcher (one Dr. Ross), with Blue Buffalo no less! He just laughed at me and walked away telling me to get ready for the big sleep. I wonder what he meant?
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope they offer you a last meal. Alpo’s good. On a humor writer’s salary, I eat a lot of the stuff.
The big sleep is bad, but if you hear any talk of “mandatory neutering,” then doggone it, run!
I’ve heard that too. And your right about a humor writer and the paltry sums of money we make. While I was standing in the unemployment line, I had a chance to meet another humorist who was barely surviving. He said he once had a thriving blog, and then he started writing humor, and the whole blog went downhill after that. Mandatory neutering, huh? At the moment, they’re walking me down a long corridor, but I’ll certainly keep my ears open for that one. I’ll let you know if I hear anything, just as soon as I get back.
Well, just in case you *don’t* come back … can I have your Alpo’s?
Oh alright, as long as I can have your flea collar *when I get back* The fleas here are gonna kill me.
Got a case of OCD wrapped up in that squiggly brain of yours?
seriously – this is a riot!
Absolutely GP. Why my brain has been operating on LED’s for years…uh, whoops. I mean…my brain has been on OCD’s for years! 😀
How’d you do on the sobriety test?
Scott, you… you… you mean that was uh..uh test? Wow, thank god I drank that ocifer und..undo…under the the table, otherwise… hiccup, I… I might have lost the whole con… constipation… con con… competition! And to think I passed out on… on… on a keg. Hiccup! 😀
lol Very good. Is it true what they say, is orange the new black?
Well currently these Orange jump suits are all the rage in here! And boy I’m I glad, because I didn’t have a thing to wear that matched those old black and white jump suits. I’m styling now though. 😀
Lol! Very funny! Although I kind of want to find out what transpired after you showed him your “Disneyland Autopia License”!
I used to have a fake ID (after I was 21), it was a copy of McLovin’s ID from Superbad (http://images.rapgenius.com/344c924f68257bd44a943d98c16b79f6.320x204x1.jpg) and I would use it when people carded me to get into a bar or anything. People who had seen the movie cracked up, and people who hadn’t were very confused/concerned about how to react to it.
LOL I’m dying here, how funny! I completely understand the reaction…I THINK. As for the arresting officer… he was so jealous, because he didn’t pass his Disneyland Autopia driving test! 😀