Sorry Earth, I Admit It, I Taunted Extraterrestrials


About a dozen years ago I may have made a little mistake. I sent a letter out into space calling out extraterrestrial beings for their hostile nature. Ha, ha, ha… but it was a joke! Nevertheless, as luck would have it, I don’t think they saw it that way. I just received a letter of response in the mail. I think… we’re in trouble.

It was marked “Contents Urgent, Open Immediately Upon Receipt”

Naturally I wasn’t expecting any kind of response as I wrote this letter over a decade ago. I never expected any return mail, say nothing of it reaching some great INTELLIGENCE—I wonder if it’s too late to kiss up to an extraterrestrial?

Anyway, I did as instructed and opened the letter.

“Dear vile human-beings:” it began “how delightful to hear from you. We are in receipt of your letter dated September 14, 2003. We cannot help but wonder what on earth you were thinking, when you know darn well WE’RE GOING TO DESTROY YOU ALL FOR THIS!”

Okay, so I may have said a few things that were a little out of line. Things we’ll all probably regret later. But nothing any of you wouldn’t have thought of saying yourself to those little green bastards from outer space if they were standing here.

Which apparently they will be doing any minute now! (gulp)

Ha, ha, ha nothing like company coming when you least expect it, right? (Ahem… Gulp)

Naturally, I am as upset about this recent turn of events as you probably all are. But, I thought you should know (even at the eleventh hour) that they’re kind of upset about some of the things I…okay… WE… said to them. (Bigger GULP)

For example; I may have gone a little overboard when I swore (with a lot of profanity… and some finger-pointing) that someday I’d… okay WE… would kick their alien butt for abducting some of our people. And um… that WE would not take any of their sorry asses as prisoner. Okay, so BIG WHOOPS on my part there.

But hey, who thought they’d ever get the letter, right? Ha, ha ha!

And I may have accused them of doing this strictly so that they could have a little too much fun performing inhuman experiments on us—all without using some of our more popular pain killing recreational drugs. Yeah alright, I’ll admit that wasn’t cool either.

But dudes… E.T. has access to all the best stuff!

I also happened to mention how we didn’t appreciate their UFO’s buzzing around some of our aircraft over the years—just so they could show off how superior their technology is to our own.

Oh, and uh, how that was something only morons would do when they feel REAL inferior. I suggested they were compensating for not having a big… uh… well… you know.

They concluded their letter of response saying, “We thought you’d like to know (apparently as a courtesy, though some might call it a warning… or a threat) that by the time you receive this letter we’ll be well on our way, and very nearly there. Can’t wait to meet you, and all your friends…IN PERSON!”

“Yours truly: the little green bastards from outer space.”

“P.S. We haven’t forgot about what you guys did to us at Roswell.”

Uh… I think it’s just possible we’re all toast.


39 comments on “Sorry Earth, I Admit It, I Taunted Extraterrestrials

    • Jan, the aliens appear to be experts in the study of Philately. Oh sure they’re known throughout the universe for their Close Encounters of the Third Kind stamp—considered extremely rare…practically non-existent. But, the stamp they used here looks a lot like the Elvis stamp. Upon closer inspection, hey, its actually E.T. wearing Elvis’ hair, complete with long sideburns! 😀

  1. Who are you and why are you telling me about this? I really don’t know what you’re referring to and have never spoken to you before in my life so please remove me from your mailing list and let your little strange looking friends that my inclusion here was a big misunderstanding. I’m sure they’re very nice people who have been misunderstood by humans such as yourself. Bye now.

  2. Few things…1) It’s a good thing you started this post (with the title) with the words “Sorry Earth”. 2) I like the “what on earth you were thinking” line. Classic double meaning sentence that you’re famous for. And finally 3) Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes destroyed the aliens in Space Jam, I think we’ll be okay…just as long as we get a bunch of cartoons to fight our battle.

    • I know, I did a terrible thing and I should be committed for it. And of course I’ll be devastated by the top of your head being sliced off like a hard boiled egg! Well, for at least a few days anyway. But, I’ll get therapy for it and try not to dwell on it too much. I’ll then move on and secure a position with the alien invaders. Perhaps, as a brown nosing lackey assistant to the head alien. Oh, they’ll be nights where I’ll no doubt lose sleep over the hard boiled egg slicing head thingy, but then I’ll be comforted by the fact that it was you and not me that lost your head over this whole invasion thing. Naturally, there will be lots of finger pointing. But then again, when people see someone else having the top their head sliced off like a hard boiled egg they do tend to point at the aftermath. I mean that sort thing can’t help but draw a crowd. It’s funny you mentioning what possessed me to taunt an alien terrorist. I think it was Belltingabar the Great from the 5th planet in the galactic quadrant who possessed me. He spoke in voices to me to intentionally anger him so that he would have an excuse to launch an attack on earth. Of course, I’ve been exonerated of all charges. Oh, and Juls, sorry in advance, for the top of your head being sliced off like a hard boiled egg. I hope you know, that had I been gainfully employed as a lackey to the big guy alien prior to this invasion, I might have been able to put a BUG IN HIS EAR. But, that might have only made him madder, so its probably better that I didn’t. At least you won’t be obliterated by his ray-gun. Ewe, what a mess that would have been. 😀

    • Everybody but me that is. But don’t run, they’ll just teleport to your ultimate destination, and will be sitting there on a lawn chair guzzling a cold one when you arrive. They’ll likely miss you with their ray-guns. Aliens are known throughout the universe for being notoriously poor marksmen, especially when inebriated. :@D

  3. Dear Clutter, I don’t mean to get personal, but are you married? If you are, what does your wife think of this devastating development? If I were her, I would send you up in a rocket to meet them and tell them you were our most prized international citizen. You have all the military secrets of every country in the world locked away in your brain. But the only way to get the info out is to hypnotize you and tell you that you are a chicken, Since you would be unable to talk, they would have to experiment on you to find out what you knew. I would miss you on your blog, But so is life.
    PS, You are a funny man!! And a dangerous one too. LOL. (I do hope you know I would never do this to anyone but I would miss your blog. If you are married, please tell her I think she is a saint.Hugs!!

    • Oh they would be so disappointed in me, Elaine. Once they got inside my head, the aliens would scream “What a mess it is in here!” promptly kicking me out of their saucer into space—where I would be forced to flap my wings back home to earth, since I’d still be under the influence of hypnosis thinking I’m a chicken—only to miss witnessing my triumphant return to earth as the fowl who saved the planet. I’m so happy you’d miss my blog, though. And being called a funny man is high praise indeed, especially for a chicken! As for my wife, well, it’s true that she thinks she is a saint ( I haven’t the courage to tell her otherwise), but it’s only because she’s had this translucent circular spinny kind of thing hovering over her head ever since I’ve known her. I can’t be sure, but I think its a birth defect. 😀

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