Of Posts, Followers, WordPress, And Paper Shredders

 

Yes, it has been a while since I last wrote about something, hasn’t it? So how’s this thing work again? Oh yeah, I remember now.

I write this small (or more likely) tall tale, one which no one else is able to identify with, whereby, I keep changing the direction of the story—something I use as a substitute for a plot twist whenever I work without a plot—which apparently, is all the time.

Then I try to infuse my narration with all kinds of humor—none of which ever passes for humor, but no one ever seems to care about that since after I finish spinning my yarn, it rarely manages to come together anyway.

But hey… I at least wrote another post!

Of course, that’s all that matters—unless you’re a WordPress employee and in charge of making sure none of my post ever make it to the “Discover” page—in which case you’ll be crawling out a window and onto a ledge where you’ll shortly be taking a leap.

“Automattic” (that’s the San Francisco office of WordPress), recently closed their doors. Seems their employees have been working from home so much lately that they don’t need an office anymore.

So unless they live in multi-story apartments, you’ll not likely see any of my posts on the WordPress “Discover” page anytime soon.

Nevertheless, I have had a few comments of late (too few to mention), saying just how much I am missed by my followers and that they hope I will write again soon. At the moment, I am conducting a thorough investigation to see if any of these wonderful folks are on my payroll, which should result in there getting a raise—just as soon as I establish a payroll.

However, if they don’t happen to be on my (non-existant) payroll—and seeing how much of what I write about here (well all of what I write about here) barely passes for little more than a ridiculous take on nothing of consequence—I can only assume these folks have an empty paper shredder in need of something to consume.

Therefore, I think perhaps my followers really do miss me.

Either that, or they have very hungry shredders and I may be the new provider of meals for their shredders come feeding time.

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A Post Found Only… In The Twilight Zone

Popkey

You unlock this door with the key to exaggeration. You’re about to embark on a wondrous journey—if you’re still smoking that stuff—of neither sight nor sound, and whose boundaries are that of imagination—albeit one gone stagnant. That’s the signpost up ahead, your next stop… The Twilight Zone.

Tap, tap, tap… tap, tap, tap. Click, click, click… Thump!

Meet Rufus T. Dingledosh a fictional blogger. What you’re reading above is the sound of his fingers feverishly striking keys on a keyboard in the creation of his next brilliant post.

Rufus T. Dingledosh, extraordinary blogger and fictional character who has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this post, because this blog doesn’t belong to him.

Blogging Sensei

Instead, this blog post belongs to a man who has neglected to post very little on his blog of late that he might meet the demands of another humorous creative writing job—one which paid him.

I know I couldn’t believe it either.

Thus, he was off all last week. Last week? Let’s make that, THE LAST MONTH AND A HALF—just so he could make some money.

Makes you wonder what in the world was going through this guy’s head—not to mention into his bank account, doesn’t it? Well not to worry, I’ll leave that to your imaginations.

Anyway, when he finished that assignment, his desire for rest and relaxation resulted in his catching a malady known as… writer’s block.

Tap…

But in a minute all of that will change as this blogger will discover a site sure to arouse his curiosity—LIKE THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN—a site not found on any browser known to man. A site found only… in The Twilight Zone.

And now for a word from our sponsor.

BUY… buy items from any sponsor of this blog, which at the moment appears to be no one. So become the first, won’t you? After all, wouldn’t you like to be responsible for my getting paid by the click? Why of course, you would.

And now back to our post.

Tap… tap… tap. Honey, I can’t think of a single thing to write about. I’ve already written about multiple things, so that subject is totally out of the question.

Have you tried Plinky.com?

I’d try Plinky, Winky, and Nod if I thought it would help. Wait a minute! How is it you know about Plinky? I mean you don’t even own a blog much less read anything on WordPress.

Sweetie, I’ve told you before… I know everything. I’m going out to the store, you want anything?

How about a million dollars… AND A NEW POST?

I’ll see what I can do. Bye sweetheart.

(Sound of the front door closing)

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have an idea for a post right now. Guess I’m just going to have to check out Google. (Click!)

Wow, this looks interesting.

“Are you a blogger who’s run out of ideas? Wanna write about topics no one else has ever dared dream of? Have I peaked your interest yet? Still curious? Well, why not bare your soul and write like the Devil. Click on this icon and get under way right now. Discover blogging that’s out of this world! After all, what have you got to lose?”

Why not? I’ll do it! (Click!) POOF!

Back to our sponsor. Have you committed yet? Ad space is still available. “You have my word on it.”

Dailymotion

Now back to our post.

(Sound of the front door opening)

Honey, I forgot my keys. Sweetheart? Honey? HEY, WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU?

Old proverb: Curiosity killed the cat.

A blogger has gone missing. A search is being conducted even as we speak. Was he the victim of pushing the panic button out of curiosity, or simply of writer’s block?

Perhaps it was a little of both.

But you and I know he’s still present and accounted for, filed away in another location. Filed away and listed as missing…  in The Twilight Zone.

No Post Today And It Is Not Open To Debate

This being Friday and all—and the weekend being upon us—WordPress would probably like nothing better than for me to do a post. Someone in Timbuktu once said, “WordPress always benefits whenever ‘The Attic’ goes to post. That is in no way an outlandish statement—see, I am not a politician.

But, as I told WordPress, if Donald Trump refused to do a debate last night because Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly was going to be a moderator, then I couldn’t do a post today! No particular reason, I just like to do and say crazy things because it sets me apart from the rest of the crowd.

And I simply refuse to debate this issue with any fellow blogger, so there.

It’s not like I care for Fox News or Megyn Kelly—I’m more a CNN Erin Burnett kind of guy. No, this is all about not making a point of not having a point to make.

It just so happens that I believe it’s important to do something pointless whenever one is trying not to make a point at all.

Oh, and by the way, if WordPress really wants me to contribute a post to their platform today, they better cough up $5 million dollars to my favorite charity—ME! Talk is cheap, but writing cheap talk with real words is gonna cost me a lot of gray matter.

Also, I’m basically skipping out on today’s post because I think WordPress has been unfair to me of late. They’re always changing their platform around, thus making it more difficult for me to write nonsense like this, which has no bearing on the Presidential campaign, I might add—but I never subtract.

However, if they apologize, I might reconsider coming back and writing something more absurd than this.

So instead of showing up to do a post on WordPress, I’m just gonna go down to the Vets office. See, I want the veterinarian to donate to MY cause as well—the shots for my dog are costing me a mint!

Now I’ve not heard any of my rival blogger’s calling me a bimbo or anything like that. Or that I don’t write real good, or that I don’t make any sense—besides, my writing never makes any cents because I’m a poor sap writing at WordPress. However, I’m sure they’ll be lots of name calling after they get a load of this bull.

All I do know is, I’m the best unpaid writer at my blog, and I’m nobody’s apprentice!

Furthermore, I won’t resort to name calling of any kind—I’ll leave that to ‘The Donald.’ I can’t resort to name calling anyway, I don’t know anyone by name down at WordPress.

And as for any reader out there who might feel offended by my blathering on here? Well, all I’m going to say is; I’ll likely get more views and comments than any of you today.

Why you ask?

Because you’re all gonna be so ticked off at me when I tell you; I only wrote all of this crazy, shocking, controversial stuff as a way of drawing attention to my blog and myself.

You see, I don’t have weird hair like Donald Trump. That’s why I wrote a strange post, in order to stand out from the rest of today’s posts.

How else am I going to get attention if I’m not going to take this blogging thing seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All The Good Subjects To Write About Were Gone

Nothing gets people talking, like what this blog talked about all week long. Nothing. As you probably noticed, no one said nothing about it either, and that’s nothing new. The problem was; I had nothing left to write about, all the good subjects were taken by other blogger’s.

I fear I’ll have nothing to write about for weeks.

Writer’s block can leave you with plenty of nothing to write about. There is nothing more terrifying for a writer to write about, than nothing. Particularly, when everyone else is writing about something. In fact, the only writing I did this last week, was when I wrote comments on other people’s blogs.

Writing comments on subjects other people have already written about is a lot easier, let me tell ya.

Brain-block is a terrible thing, especially when you take up writing a blog. Occasionally, followers come looking for something to read. Its not like when you wrote in some personal journal or a diary. Particularly one that didn’t belong to you.

In those cases no one cares except you, the snoopy mom, the dopey sister, or the ruthless dumb blackmailer who kidnapped your boss in hopes of extorting money from you, or he’d dump your boss in the river—which you let happen, because you didn’t get that Christmas bonus you were counting on.

But a blog…

A blog can open windows, telling you all about people and their personal lives—which is often better than eavesdropping on them. Or about their pets—and possibly more than you ever wanted to know about their personal lives…especially their sex lives.

Blogger’s also write poetry, good and bad… and much worse than bad—”See Rex, see Rex run, see Rex run for fun. Run Rex, run, run, run.” Some blogs, are by unpublished authors talking about books they’re going to write—and never finish…or get published.

Then, they’re the blogs about traveling to places—you can’t afford to go see. Comics—by people with more talent than you; hobbies and crafts—again, by people with more talent than you; Photography—by photographers more gifted than you; and movies and television—by people with more money than you!

Then there’s me—the blogger with no post. Because, they’re no subjects left worth writing about.

Oh sure, the blogging community left me a few boring subjects I considered toying with. But, they’re the rejects. Subjects, that no other blogger would dare touch with a 12 inch keyboard. Riveting material that could lead to post titles like:

“Aunt Hester’s gall-stone surgery and her sister, Bertha’s, bunions.” How’s that for a Stephen King wanna-be’s poorly written horror novel post? “My work”—good for two or three words, maybe a complete sentence!

Or, I could write about, “Sleeping Habits of the Sandman deprived Narcoleptic.” Oh here’s a good one,  “Small Talk and the Weather…conversation starters that won’t get you noticed.” And finally, “How Facebook allowed—Big Jim Martin, my next door neighbor—into last nights nightmare.”

No…I think the good subjects are all gone folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well This Is It—Time To Say Goodbye

sun

It’s been fun. But you know, it’s always sad when we have to say goodbye… except when it’s goodbye to pollution, terrorist, and bad writers. I wonder why that is?

Anyway, I wanted to say what a pleasure it has been doing this blog for all of you. I always tried to give you a good belly laugh. Remember that one, and what a belly laugh it was? At least a few of you got it. As for the rest of you, sorry about the dysentery.

But, here I am, writing to all of you one last time to let you know that the world is coming to an end tonight and that this will probably be my last post and testament.

The religious communities have been talking about it for months. I did my best to ignore it in hopes that the rumors of our demise were untrue. But, sadly, my wife went out and emptied our bank account, so the world must be ending.

She did it so that we could eat out in style one last time at McDonalds. Thanks to the value meals we’ll be going out with change to spare.

Ominously, all of this coincides with the arrival of a ‘Blood Moon’ signaling the end of the world as we know it. And let me tell you, this time the end of the world is going to be much worse than the last time the world ended.

Remember the end of the world the last time? What a huge disappointment that one was?

But, I think this end of the world is really going to make up for the last one. This time the end of the world comes during a lunar eclipse of a ‘Blood Moon’ and that simultaneously corresponds with a supermoon!

(It was here that the sound of crickets then filled the air. Chirp chirp… chirp chirp).

And no, I wasn’t at the gathering where when dreamed this one up—but it must be true. Do you know that some of the faithful are actually running out to grab all the food they can get just so they can survive the long haul?

Maybe they’re the other faithful… the ones that think god might not be on their side?

And since NASA say’s that this unusual eclipse is going to be visible to North America, Europe, and Africa I’m pretty sure most of us are gonna be pushing up daisies by Monday morning. With so many bogus prophets saying this is gospel, how can they go wrong?

I wonder how all of this managed to escape the Pope’s notice?  popeFrancisSerious_large

Anyway, months of fruitful work of setting up, planning, and securing a theme for my blog have all been wasted.

Not to mention finding my voice and then purchasing a distinct comedy style of writing from another internet site that deals in that sort of thing.

And all for a modest fee—their words not mine.

The site guaranteed that their list of 500 comedy styling’s was completely original. I haven’t quite been able to to confirm that one yet, as they haven’t returned any of my emails or phone calls.

And to think I endured all those WordPress changes. And all for what? Just so we can meet our maker?

108269469They say he’s this hotshot big wig guy out of Detroit, or if you will as someone else once said, a big pink pixie in the sky.

But either way, I don’t care if he is dressed in pink, and flying first class. and carrying a wand of destruction.

Because, as far as I’m concerned, this only proves what I’ve been saying all along; that the TSA is not doing their job! I mean, letting a guy like that get on a commercial flight to nowhere. What were they thinking?

So, I thought I should say goodbye to you all now, before the NFL Sunday Ticket starts. God knows I won’t have time later.

I’ll be too busy collecting my winnings, because I paid some guy to tell me what teams are going to win in every game this week.

I even got this etched in stone, stone cold lock of the week—for free!

So, buh bye… for now.

How To Have A Successful Unpaid Career In Writing

index writer

5876 embryoWhen I was just a young embryo first starting out in life I knew exactly who, and what I wanted to be… Bill Gates. But, since that embryo had already been taken, I settled on becoming an embryo with a burning desire to write instead.

I knew right from the start, being a writer was for everyone! I mean, look at how many unpaid writer’s there are out there—and that’s just on WordPress alone! Many of them writing by day, some by night, others by candlelight—paying utility bills is a luxury bloggers can’t afford.

But, when you decide on a career as an unpaid writer, like I did… you expect to starve.

Yet I knew, if I stood out from all the other writers already out there… that would eventually mean I would have to start making me some money. So, when my career as a counterfeiter eventually ended… I went to prison. There, another writer and I decided to split the rent and share a cell together.

We wrote on the walls a lot in those days.

I guess none of it was worth publishing though, as no one ever came knocking on our cell with a cash advance. In time, we went our separate ways, he through a drain pipe, and I over the wall. But, those years we spent together writing graffiti… prepared me for the rejection slips to come.

I honed my skill at rejection by sending many of my writings to one place after another. Sometimes they were threats to the police, blackmail notes to the very very wealthy, and dirty lust filled letters to Zooey Deschanel. Each one came back stamped with the same familiar refrain… “REJECTED!”  zooey-deschanel-6169-6356-hd-wallpapers

Undaunted, I continued to send the same lust filled letters I had once sent to Zooey, but this time to the police. Finally, instead of receiving rejection slips, I was received slips stamped…”AMUSING.” The size large women’s slips were often autographed. I knew Olga (my old prison guard) wouldn’t forget me.

Now, having been sexually aroused, I began writing for Playboy Magazine. They never bought anything from me, but I never stopped writing to them, in hopes of becoming an unpaid published staff writer. In fact, I nearly gave up the whole idea of writing for a possible career in photography, thanks to (LOOKING at), uh… I mean… reading Playboy.

But, photographing men wasn’t my cup of tea. I mean… Playboy?

I was then asked to consider taking up journalism, but my heart was still set on being a writer. I finally settled on the style of writer I wanted to be, that of a humorist. I even wrote former humor columnist, Dave Berry, and told him that if he could be considered a humorist, then anybody could.

Dave Berry-Writer and Humorist

Dave Berry-Writer and Humorist

He replied to my letter saying that his attorneys would be in contact with me concerning slander. I was genuinely touched by his kind gesture. And, I’m sure at some point they would have gotten around to mentioning some six or seven figure number to me. But, I didn’t want to work for some rag writing untruths.

So, here I am, the successfully gifted unpaid semi-professional writer you see before you today, blogging on WordPress for nothing. Yep, I’m living the dream. I can hear you all now, “But Paul, your readers don’t pay for it.”

And there you’d be wrong my friends.

Oh they’re paying for it—every time they happen to read anything I post on this blog.

Why You Are Here—Mystery Solved

mystery

One of the great mysteries of the universe… about to be revealed? You may not realize it yet, but knowing the difference between success, and failure is why you are here.

Oh sure, there are people in life who are massive failures—Adolph Hitler, Adam and Eve, and he who shall not be named (Voldemort)—come to mind. But then, Hitler had a funny mustache under his nose, Adam and Eve probably had noses like Pinocchio, and Voldemort never even had a nose.

Whereas, I’m nothing like any of them—because I own a big red one.

By the way, none of this nose talk has anything to do with why a person is a success or failure, or even… why you are here. But, that was as clear as the nose on your face, right?

I suppose some would tell you the reason why we are here, is to be successful and have plenty of money, because then you could come and go as you please.

Well, my pink piggy bank is stuffed with pennies, and still he sits on my dresser (could it be because he’s too fat?), unable to walk due to the weight of all those pennies he ate. piggy bank

That’s why HE’S here.

And while others may measure success by how much is in their 401 K, 300 J, or 502 L , I can’t be concerned by phoney numbers like that, I’m far too busy counting all the real money I’ve made from recycling this week. Do you know it was nearly $15 bucks!

Makes you think TWICE as much about drinking beer, let me tell ya.

People have suggested I should put my money in a bank. Well I’m no fool… I went and got direct deposit! Others recommended I invest in bonds… so I bought tickets to every James Bond movie ever made. Financially speaking; I think you’ll agree… that’s got me where I am today.

I’m not saying I haven’t miscalculated at times.

For example; some will be quick to point out that you measure success by being part of creating something special. Well I tried that. I went to my wife and said; “Honey, lets create something special.” She replied, “I gave you children, what else do you want?”

I have to admit… that didn’t pay off too well, in fact… at times it’s cost us plenty!

stand upExperts will tell you; you’re only a success once you’ve become famous. I thought about being a stand-up comedian—then I realized I wasn’t quick enough on my feet to dodge all that rotten fruit, so I became a sit-down comedian.

Writing humor afforded me the time to correct, what a live audience would not. Thus, I’m sure you’ll agree, that the wonderfully comic stylings you find here, are like nothing you’ll find anywhere else on WordPress.

Stop laughing.

I explored writing a novel, novella, and short story, but settled on producing the most impossible to find blog on the entire internet. Those of you who’ve found it—can you blame me?

When you stumbled in here, you likely felt like you’d found buried treasure, and that’s why you stayed—that, and the new bulbs for the Exit lights are on back order.

So here you are in my blog with the most successful (not a failure in his own mind), impossible to find humorist, on the entire internet, and you’re probably asking yourself…

“Now that he has SUCCESSFULLY lured me in here… and under false pretenses… HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT?”

And that’s why you are here—mystery solved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New WordPress Badge!

badge

WordPress presented myself and a few other good folks—on April Fools of all days—with a newly awarded badge! Okay, so I received the email notification on Monday, still the irony of this is not lost on me.

I am greatly honored to be among the very first writer’s ever to receive this award (I really am) however, I find myself oddly excited, and yet somewhat insulted all at the same time.

On Monday I looked in my email; found a notification from WordPress.

You can probably imagine the thrill I experienced receiving this notification since so few of us have ever been Freshly Pressed. I figured WordPress must be considering a recent post of mine for a “Freshly Pressed Badge”—Yes I know, I must be on drugs.

Generally I’m not into awards (honored though I may be to have been nominated for a few of them), because they usually require a little more time and effort on top of my semi-regular posting and reading.

But, the idea of receiving a “Freshly Pressed Badge” where all the additional time and effort would not be required, did appeal to me.

No such luck though.

The email began with the formal greeting and introduction, stating: “As you probably know, we at WordPress are always scouring the various different posts published daily by bloggers hoping to inspire, instruct, or otherwise amuse the many readers on WordPress blogs.”

I’m thinking to myself, “This is starting to sound pretty good—Freshly Pressed at last!”

Trying to avoid the overwhelming urge to jump up and down with joy, I continued reading their notification…

“On occasion we find a post that catches one of our editors attention and then we award the blogger a Freshly Pressed Badge for their fine effort.” I’m all a glow, you’ll not wipe this smile off my face.

The  notification continued, “However, you may not realize that we have been in the process of developing a new badge. This badge is designed with the intent of motivating blogger’s who would like to someday be Freshly Pressed, but who have not yet received the award.” Oh oh.

The feeling of just having been rejected for a “Freshly Pressed Badge” nearly caused me to slip into a coma of mass depression.

The email then concluded by saying…

“We find your humor blog ‘In My Cluttered Attic’ to be a nice diversion for our readers and are pleased to let you know, that you and the other recipients will receive the new ‘Acknowledged By WordPress Badge’ sometime on Wednesday. Congratulations!”

As it turns out that would be sometime today—April Fools Day.

Not to sound less than grateful for the award (as I appreciate it), but for some reason I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve received the new “Freshly Fooled Badge” instead?

Integrity Blogging—Well Sort Of

capturing followers

This originally was to be a blog committed to one purpose and one purpose only … making money. But after a HUGE reality check (that’s a check without money) I have since had to assign a reluctantly different goal to my blog—laughter?

As with MOST of us who blog for a living, we soon discover that the two words living and blog don’t really belong together in the same sentence. I just had another epiphany … my blog will not only be working without dollars now, but also with an economy of words—although that will no doubt be a plus for all of you.

Still, my blog needn’t be short-changed.

Verbose as I am, less is going to have to be more. I also wanted to be original, but I soon discovered originality had already been tried. In point of fact; being the SAME has even been done—to death!

And then there was my concern over what kind of content would be in my blog. Trying to bring a unique and fresh approach to a blog can be like trying to bring an extraordinary, yet contemporary advance to dealing with sewage. Could it be done?

Who cares—I just want to do a blog. But, as you can see, the reasons for doing a blog are shrinking by the paragraph.

Yikes, this means my blog will not include making money, originality or sameness, say nothing of fame without my name—And I think I’ll hold out for fame with my name thank you very much.

techno challengeAlso, did I mention that I’m technologically challenged? If I did … then that was the end of the accomplishment part of this post. Mastering anything when it comes to WordPress is going to be a distant SECOND to navigating the computer for me.

Translation?

If this was a marathon … me navigating WordPress probably hit a wall several miles back and is seeking the “Geek Squad” for assistance. I’ll finish the race but in years, not hours. Likely sprawled out on a stretcher—barely cognizant of the internet.

But I don’t care, I still have my integrity … you’ll not see me go chasing after followers by attaching some award to my site just to get noticed. When I read someones blog and like it, I’m going to follow them. And if they check my blog and seem to like it … I’ll lock the doors and keep em as my followers.

I’ll earn my awards the old fashion way—by sending an enormous cash advance to FRESHLY PRESSEDfreshly pressed (Gee its been awhile—hope they got the check).

Come on now, you have to confess, you and I do a blog because we like to write. That and a private journal or diary comes without a publish button.

Admit it, the idea of creating our own site can be intoxicating because we get to use our (okay … WordPress’) imagination.

And let’s face it, our own blog has not only intrinsic value, but also offers an eclectic and idiosyncratic written work which can entreat many or few, but ostensibly—SOMEONE. Forget the stats, enjoy those followers who discover you by accident—as long as Judas is not among them.

And get this. The Free Dictionary by Farlex, defines an author by saying, “To write or be the author of (a published text)”—so hey, we’re all published authors to boot. Take that big name publishers who are responsible for my ever growing stack of rejection slips!

Yeah alright, I’ll say it, “Show me the money!”money

I know, I know Cuba Gooding Jr. said it in Jerry Maguire—but I think it sounds better when you read it in my blog instead of hearing it in that movie.