My Picture Should Have Been On The Back Of A Milk Carton

I’m back!

Cue the crickets—chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp…etc.

Well as you probably know by now, I’ve been missing for the better part of the last two weeks, but it’s not my fault. I was abducted, lured away—clawing and scratching—out of my attic… by my wife.

“Snookums,” I said “we can’t go on vacation now. What about my blog, my readers?”

“Well, what about em?” she asked, innocently enough.

“They’re going to abandoned me like the plague!” I replied. “You don’t know these people like I do. They’re all about quality writing, and all I have to offer them is this absurd and ridiculous blog. I realize that’s a lousy option, but if you take me away, who will they turn to instead?”

Her response?

“Relax, they’ll barely notice you’re gone. Besides, you know what they say… absence makes the heart grow fonder.” That’s when I knew she was out of touch with reality—because you guys barely tolerate me as it is!

“You don’t understand,” I pleaded, “I have my stats to consider. Why, if it weren’t for that amateur course in hypnotism—the I took for no apparent reason other than to have something to write about for this paragraph—I fear my followers (all of whom can’t explain their love for me) would have left my blog in cobwebs months ago.”

Funny Looooooool, Misha Gif, Boys Gif, Gif It S, Funnt Posts, Candy Hypnosis, Gif Form

Funny Looooooool, Misha Gif, Boys Gif, Gif It S, Funnt Posts, Candy Hypnosis, Gif Form

However, between you and me; I don’t obsess over such things—for more than 14 hours a day anyway—because that would be shallow.

Instead, I protested… and vigorously. “Dumpling, we can’t leave for vacation, not during the height of the WordPress blogging season! Are you mad?”

Okay, so I twisted the truth about the WordPress blogging season—that’s not until next month—but remember, I was doing it for you guys.

Anyhow, after her face reached a bright crimson color—which was immediately followed by steam escaping from her ears—I decided I’d better move onto my next argument… forcefully.

“Dumpling, precious, sweetheart, cupcake… only a blogger with followers numbering in the millions—and capable of producing better material than myself—would ever consider going on a vacation at this time of the year!”

She was having none of it. I was about to be taken—AGAINST MY WILL—to some horribly comfortable resort… complete with swaying palm trees. Dragged there by some 110-pound petite brute.

You can imagine my terror.

“Help me, help me please!” I screamed as she pulled me across the busy airport terminal floor by my ankles onto an awaiting flight. “My wife is taking me away from my readers to go on a vacation.” I screamed, “FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!”

Nothing. Absolutely no one, not one single person (nor married couple) stepped out of any of those LONG TSA lines.

Thus, I became just another missing person.

It was then I realized—to my horror—that settling for that coach ticket instead of first class—probably did nothing to prevent my abduction to some far off place.

I should have known better. After all, the heavy chain—the one I latched to myself and my laptop—hadn’t work either.

If only I hadn’t left those bolt cutters out—and in plain sight.

Nope, I was doomed. Doomed to go to a place where—despite my vigorous (albeit, impassive) protest—I was forced to lay around a pool like a beached whale. Waited on hand and foot, while powerless to do absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, and go to shows.

It was all I could do to escape my captivity—which happened when the hotel told me that our two-week stay in paradise was over. That is when I learned that my picture had never made it onto the back of a milk carton.

Leaving me to assume that they felt my rather large nose would only serve to distract from the truth of my absence.

Naturally, I couldn’t believe how the milk companies could leave you—my loyal and faithful readers—sitting there in the dark about my sudden disappearance.

So this post about my abduction became necessary.

Oh, but anyway, Toto, we’re home—home! And this is my blog—and you’re all here (well two or three of you anyway—and I’m not going to ever leave here again (unless I’m offered a seven-figure contract)—because I love you all (except for those of you who failed to return)—And… Oh, Auntie Em, there’s no blog like my own!

My apologies to The Wizard of Oz. Which reminds me… did I tell you how this huge tornado came down and swept me up to this land they call Oz?

Well you see, it all started when I encountered this witch… and well…


So It’s Mid-August—Whad’ya Mean Summers Over?

summer is over

It used to be that when June rolled around people started looking to get away from it all. Plans were made to escape the everyday grind. No more snow and very little rain meant folks started venturing out again. No more feeling like Jack Nicholson did at the very end of “The Shining.”

Summers over? Already?

Summers over? Already?

By June most of us were ready for the good old summertime. After the Fourth of July holiday had passed, the middle of summer was setting in, thus signaling the time for barbecues with family and friends. By the time August came around, you were ready to take that summer getaway.

But wait… whats this? Our kids have to head back to school mid to late August now? But we haven’t taken our traditional summer family vacation yet. And what bozo made that decision? Whats that? The schools!

Well… lets take vacation anyway—I mean after all, our kids are back in school! Besides, we’ve always taken our summer vacation in August—kids or not!

Okay, okay the kids can come along, but we’ll have to get the teachers to sign off on it. Whad’ya mean the teachers are complaining about having to draw up some homework for the kids to do while they’re on vacation? Don’t they understand its August, and that not all families can take vacations in June or July?

I mean come on, there’s nothing like leaving Disneyland in the middle of the evening to go back to our hotel room, just so we can do hours of homework with the kids.

In fact, I can’t think of anything kids love more. Except maybe having their teeth worked on by the dentist during a root canal.  dentist

Remember when schools used to start the academic year right after the Labor Day holiday—when it really felt like summer was actually nearing its end?

You remember that don’t you? Dad wore his loin-clothe, and mom used a bone in her hair instead of a hairpin, and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

But now schools need your summer vacation money more than ever, and the sooner the better.

If they wait until September to have your kids start school, they run the risk of angering parents when they send home picture day announcements on top of requesting donations for supplies, the cost of gym clothes, PTA memberships, and fund raising (gift wrap is real popular) for the first part of the school year.

And lets not forget special activities like, band, sports, after school clubs, and field trips—not to mention prepaid lunch money.

money on the rollYou don’t mind though, after all, you’ve only gone into hock to buy your kids new clothes so that they won’t attend school in the hand me down rags they’ve worn since the day they were born—and those barely fit! Not to mention backpacks that will be worn out, and school supplies which will be exhausted by Christmas break.

If you ever stop sending your child to school… the schools will go broke! Better you than them though, right?