Captains Log, Stardate 2017.5. Having just left the Delta quadrant, where we finished off yet another peaceful intervention by destroying a bunch of Klingons and their vessels (because they’re bad, and not in a Michael Jackson way), I retired to my cabin slipping into a deep sleep, and began to dream.
In my dream I was with this beautiful female alien… while shirtless, yet AGAIN. Not that that is important to Starfleet in any way. However, this female alien had this multi-colored face and was wearing what appeared to be some sort of ancient space toga.
Why they never wear a typical space suit is beyond me? Then again, I’m certainly glad she didn’t have 14 arms, 5 claws, and 1 eye with no hair, or I can guarantee you I wouldn’t have shed my shirt… quite as fast.
So I was just about to kiss this female alien when Dr. McCoy summons me to the bridge—DARN!
Bones: Spock, have you taken leave of your senses? Go back to earth to the year 2017? Are you out of your ever loving Vulcan mind?
Spock: On the contrary Doctor, I’m in complete control of my faculties, and it’s imperative we go back to earth now… before the wrath of Negan.
Kirk: Spock… McCoy… what’s… happening?
Bones: Jim, you’re doing it again.
Kirk: What? What am I doing again?
Spock: Pausing between your words captain, a pattern suggestive of Shakespeare, but more likely that of an actor hoping to turn all the attention back onto himself, instead.
Kirk: Star Fleet Academy class of 3054. It’s called modulation, Spock, you should try it.
Spock: That would not be logical captain.
Kirk: Of course not. (deep breath) Why earth, why now?
Bones: He thinks it’s full of ZOMBIES, Jim!
(An answer I hadn’t quite expected, but this being space the final frontier and all, and given what we’ve seen lately, I supposed anything was possible. So I remained calm and asked…)
Kirk: Is that true, Spock?
Spock: I’m afraid so captain.
Kirk: He says its true, Bones.
McCoy: But Jim, do you honestly believe earth has been overrun with… ZOMBIES?
Kirk: I don’t know doctor, but if has, I suspect they’ll be passed your skills as a surgeon.
Spock: Captain I assure you, earth is full of zombies.
Kirk: Of that I have no doubt, Spock, but we’re the U.S.S. Enterprise not the Starship… BIG SURPRISE. It’s true we go where no man has gone before, but don’t you think this is going a bit too far? I mean, I know we’ve had Tribbles before, but this?
Spock: Just back to earth, captain.
Bones: Spock, are you seriously suggesting we ignore Starfleets five year mission for us: to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life forms, new civilizations, and boldly go where no man has gone before? Return to earth to the year 2017 and face THE WALKING DEAD? You can’t be serious?
Spock: Doctor, the needs of the many out way the needs of the few, or even the one—as in your case.
Kirk: Where have I heard that before?
Bones: Why you green blooded, pointy eared…
Kirk: That too.
Spock: Doctor… I have been, and always will be, a fan of The Walking Dead.
Kirk: Now I know I’ve heard that somewhere before, or at least something like it. Bones, can he be fixed?
Bones: Well I don’t know. I’m a doctor, A DOCTOR, JIM… NOT A PROCTOLOGIST!
Kirk: Spock, I think Dr. McCoy just called you uh…
Spock: I’m well aware of what the good doctor is implying, captain. But the fact remains, we must change course for earth, before it’s too late.
Kirk: Too late for what, Spock? You mentioned Negan? What’s a Negan
Spock: Not what, captain, who. He walks among The Walking Dead, wrecking havoc.
Kirk: What on earth for?
Spock: So he can weaken the series ratings, captain.
Kirk: You mean this Negan is trying to wreck a television series… not earth?
(Just then, I felt myself being shaken awake by…)
Mr. Chekov: Keptan, Keptan, KEPTAN ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
Kirk: Mr. Chekov? Yes, yes I’m fine Mr. Chekov.
Mr. Chekov: Keptan, Mr. Sulu wants to know if we should proceed at warp speed?
Kirk: Warp? Most certainly was.
Mr. Chekov: What’s that Keptan?
Kirk: Oh nothing. Yes, uh, tell Mr Sulu warp factor six. The sooner I’m out of this nightmare the better. I really gotta stop drinking that Romulan ale!