And The Winner Is?

hollywoodreporter.com

hollywoodreporter.com

So far, it has been one wild party leading up to this years award show. Let’s take a look at some of the performances given by our (HOPEFUL) nominees.

Actor Ben Carson:

His performance in “Ben Carson: The Force Awakens” showcases him as an accomplished retired neurosurgeon who writes books about himself.

He barely awakens one day to discover that he himself has become the star of a made for television movie.

Frustrated—because it stars Cuba Gooding Jr, and not him—Carson decides to sleep walk through Goodings’ performance playing a former angry ill-tempered child, who one minute claims he attempted to hit his mother over the head with a hammer, and the next, stabbing a friend for changing the channel on a radio.

Sounds like Presidential material to us.

Unfortunately, he can’t get anyone to believe his claims. This is surprising, seeing as it comes from a supposed politician—and they always tell the truth. Just ask George Washington.

Anyway, his character finally has a chance to boycott the presidential race (which would be very white of him given this years diversity issue, as he is the only person of color running for President), but he refuses to pull out of the race, causing the entire audience to snooze.

This film is only rated G—for suggested (but not real) violence. But, he could be the sleeper of the year—literally!

Actor Marco Rubio:

Rubio plays an (supposedly) attractive, yet unsympathetic character who gets excited at the idea of finishing in second or even third place, but who can’t seem to stop repeating himself in…

“Mad Marco: Fury Road.”

His character eventually goes into denial, unable to admit that he may not even be very popular in Florida—the state where he hails from. Here, he begins to feel irritated that he might never finish in first place—no matter what it is he decides to try.

The film concludes with him resorting to name calling, and referring to his enemy as a con-man.

He begins unraveling, ranting and raving angrily on a news program, flashing a fake smile when the interviewer thanks him for his angry tirade at the end of the interview.

Rubio’s performance ultimately reminds us, that childish behavior (no matter how old you are) is still not becoming of a leader who tries doing stand-up by shouting over his opponent. A good temper tantrum not withstanding.

badgop.com

badgop.com

Actor John Kasich:

John Kasich plays a once abrasive Governor, but who now tries out a more optimistic, upbeat snowball throwing, kind of persona. Only to discover that the real John Kasich is only hiding underneath the facade in…

“The Hunger Games: Mocking John Part-2”

Actor Ted Cruz:

In “Straight Out Of Canada” Ted Cruz, plays a Canadian Texan who passes himself off as an American Hispanic, and whose dad was supposedly from Cuba. The high point of the film comes when it’s demanded that he show proof that he’s an American citizen, and he responds… “Eh?” Will this be his Waterloo?

Some have suggested this is the part Ted was born to play. But, why not? He’s from Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

 

Actor Donald Trump:

twitter.com

twitter.com

In his long and varied career “The Donald” has never been more popular than he is right now.

But, is this matinee idols (in his own mind of course) performance enough to help him finally win? All critics will say is, “Cool Hair!”

After all, only Leonardo DiCaprio has waited longer for such recognition.

Trump, plays a successful business man who tries to alienate practically everyone in his bizarre attempt to  rise to power. He refuses to let immigrants, NBC, Macy’s, NASCAR, Great Britain, Muslims, John McCain, and even his own party stand in his way.

Not to mention Megyn Kelly in a surprise cameo!

Hated by virtually everyone on the planet, Trump— desperate to avoid discussing real issues (since no one else is either)—decides to appeal to the ignorant…

The Republican voters who he calls, “The poor and uneducated.”

When reports surface to support this assertion, he decides to go for broke and threatens to leave his own party to become king of America in…

“Mission Impossible-Rogue Nation”

Any one of these actors might tell you, “It’s just an honor to be nominated.” But don’t you believe it. Because, isn’t winning what this is really all about?

So enjoy the show, it’s only entertainment. This can’t be real politics…right?

 

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The More Things Stay The Same, The More They Change

light bulb

Have you noticed, ‘The more things change, the more they stay the same.’ And yet, the more things stay the same, the more they change.

We are creatures of habit. We love familiarity. Then there’s that guy on the subway who is always trying to squeeze into a seat next to an attractive woman. I’d say that’s trying to get a bit too familiar. But, I’m talking about the kind of familiar regarding things we’ve come to expect. Things happening in their own appointed time, yet with unwanted progress.

Sure, we say we want to make progress, and yes we do want to make progress… just not at the expense of our comfort zone. Were comfortable with the idea of familiarity. Sometimes, there’s something cozy about having regular patterns.

ass offTake for instance: Holidays always occurring at the same time every year. Baseball’s arrival to assure us winter will end. Football season ushering in autumn and the holidays, and basketball and hockey season to remind us to avoid going outside, or we’ll freeze our tuchus off.

Then there’s the blockbuster movies in summer, Oscar worthy films in the fall, and holiday movies that bring families together for winter. We left spring to the movie studios, so they wouldn’t go bust. Scraping a few bucks together from their box-office bombs by way of the poor saps with money to burn.

You’ll note, that cooperate America and Congress have not let Hollywood fail—OR THE BANKS!

Now granted, we’re not comfortable with hurricane season, fire season, and the political season—Particularly political season… all those politicians, telling us how good they’ve been all year with their lame campaign ads. HEY—WE’ll TELL SANTA!—but we’ve come to accept, bad things happen to good people.

Most notably… the voter!  angry vote

But, despite all this familiar sameness, some have sought to distort the familiar…with progress.

For example: Christmas and Halloween now start… on the Fourth of July! Baseball used to end in early Fall, but now the World Series ends in time for Thanksgiving! And Basketball and hockey still run concurrent—ending in July, and starting again in August!

Blockbuster movies still arrive in summer, but summer is shorter—late May till the Fourth of July! The Fall release of Oscar worthy films (all two weeks) get a second Fall release—in late January, just in time for the Academy Awards! And corporate America and Congress are still burning through our money.

Well, some things never change. Our tax dollars at work—FOR THEM!

hurricanes after menHurricane season no longer see’s hurricanes named after women. But, we’ve never doubted men can be crazy too! Mother Nature is no longer the only one with a fire season, now arsonist have gone and extended it! And political season; well politicians still feel we the voter can’t get enough of a bad thing…

So, now they’re bashing each other all year round—AND AT OUR EXPENSE!

So you see; The more things stay the same, the more they change—like me, now I’m adding even more exclamation points!!!

The Oscars: 16 Years Is A Long Time To Hold A Grudge

oscar

This Sunday is the Oscar telecast, and like hundreds of other SAG (Screen Actors Guild) members I’ll not be attending. That’s because I was not invited—again!

I know the drill by now rejection is a part of all Oscar ceremonies. For every gold statue that goes to someone (and the Oscar goes to…) four other performers get nothing, nada, zilch. That list has grown if you are in the “Best Picture” category.

Then there is the seating dilemma at the “Dolby Theater.” So many famous and not so famous butts, and even fewer stalls to park them in. I know, because my ass failed to get one again!

Year after year plucked from the ever growing pool of reluctant performers to host the show, has come this array of actors who look completely disinterested in hosting the proceedings—James Franco for one comes to mind—but I’m not one of them… “Me, Me!”

Over the years I have been passed over for hosting duties on several occasions (or is it just ignored), and for the likes of folks named Rock, Crystal, and Whoopee! No, that’s not a hoot of celebration etched in stone that you hear, those are real people.

I can hear it now, “Who is he, and he said what last night at the Oscars!” Tell me ABC wouldn’t be thrilled with a little bit of drama? And I can provide it.

In years past there was Hope, this year we only have Doogie.

Now Neil Patrick Harris is a very nice guy, plenty of experience hosting award shows—a real improvement for the show.

Unless of course the Academy were to choose me.

Throw me a crumb for god sakes instead of calling me one! However, I would have settled for writing jokes again, but that’s the problem isn’t it?

Could it also be my application “Has wrote for the likes of Leno, Letterman and Ferguson.” I can’t imagine how that failed to impress?

But we both know what the real issue is don’t we, Cheryl—Academy Board President, Cheryl Boone Isaacs. It was Oprah… or was it Uma?

So David Letterman had one bad year hosting the show, but that was sixteen years ago! Hey, its not my fault his delivery was off that night. Blame the messenger, not the writer, or rather, the guy who suggested the joke—namely moi.

“Oprah…Uma. Uma…Oprah,” still funny… right? Well I guess you had to be there.

I was—ONCE!

Okay, YES, I recently failed in my attempt to write jokes for the “Once Upon Your Prime” blog written by Stephanie Lewis, at “The Huffington Post” but it wasn’t my fault. The sun was in my eyes when I dotted that T and crossed that I.

So come Sunday, when families gather around the TV back on the East coast—IN ALL THAT SNOW—I’ll be stuck out here going to the beach laying under the palms in glorious sunny California (poor me).

So I’m pleading my case with AMPAS—American Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences, again. Please let me write for, or possibly host, The Oscars, next year!

I swear I’ll never tell another Oprah, Uma joke ever again!