Trump: The Political Playbook

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How does Trump do it? Does he have some super secret blueprint for running a winning political campaign?

YES!

Our crack SUPER spy, who occasionally does contract work for us here at “In My Cluttered Attic,” recently passed himself off as Donald Trump’s hair stylist.

While fumbling through, what passes for his hair, our spy stumbled across Trump’s political playbook.

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The Washington Post and New York Times both offered us a substantial amount of money for the story, but we refused the offer.

We knew there were millions more to be made by offering this story to our readers first.

So here, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, is the confidential material—sequestered away on top of Donald Trump’s scalp.

It reveals how he has wrestled control away from the Republican elite, while appealing to their basic instinct of—securing more money, more power, and complete control of the country at the publics expense.

The hardest work he has ever done? No, he doesn’t know what hard work is.

So, what is in Trump’s political playbook?

First,: be yourself. This may include acting outlandish and having to draw all the attention to yourself, but think of how freeing this will be to your basic narcissistic inclination.

Be sure to hurl lots of insults at your opponents. This should come naturally to you. It will also help you standout from the millions of other Republican candidates running for president—particularly since you are aspiring to be God.

Call them liars. They may look bewildered and try to act like they don’t know what you’re talking about at first, but being liars themselves, they won’t look genuine at all. Plus, this will deflect all the attention away from the enormous whoppers you are telling!

And whatever you do, make sure you avoid discussing real political issues. However, if while at a debate, political issues should be brought up (sacrilege!), immediately change the subject to your opponent. Accuse them of something stupid, and then say something even more stupid yourself!

Do this in a showy and entertaining way. Make them the apprentice—you know how.

Know your audience. In a revolution, you must appeal to the rich and power-hungry, while still appealing to the uneducated. And, being that you fit both of the aforementioned, you should have no problem with this task.

You will probably have to spell this out for them, but not being able too spell well yourself might make this just another challenge for you.

Also, make the claim, “I love the poor and uneducated.”—they’ll believe you since you’re probably not as rich or educated as you claim to be.

*Note: The actual quote from Donald Trump was, “I love the poorly educated!” Now I was called out on this particular point, and rightly so. So, although this will probably come as a blow to the poor and uneducated folks (who are not enveloped in “The Donald’s” embrace of love) it still might come as a relief to those who are poorly educated.

And if there are some who are revolting within your party (like Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan), lead them down the garden path by telling them that you we’re just kidding when you said you were going to drain the swamp—since you actually were kidding.

Also, be as outrageous as possible—it worked on “The Apprentice.” Just say “Your fired!” as each one of them drops from the race.

In addition, adopt a look that draws attention to yourself—try putting SOMETHING on your head that looks ridiculous.

This will immediately separate you from the other yahoos in your party. Not even Bernie will be able to compete with you!

Nothing say’s “Sexy” to old frumpy-looking blond women like, like, like whatever it is that’s on your head. They’ll eat you up!

Accuse a candidate from the other party of infiltrating and trying to sabotage your campaign. As if they were really worried you could actually win an election.

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This next part is very important; be sure to flip-flop… A LOT!

Not only does it keep your opponents guessing and off balance, it confuses the hell out of the media and public in general!

When in doubt…step on Little Marco. He knows how to flip-flop for you. What’s that? He’s gone already! Well, there’s always Ted Cruz and that other guy—what’s his name?

Never miss a chance to point out how rich you are—since living off the taxpayer will make it look like you really are as rich as your claiming.

This will make it possible for you to say that you can build anything you want. I don’t know what? MAYBE A WALL!

This will come as no surprise to most Americans, as they already have a wall between them and their representatives anyway.

I mean, we already have lobbyist, corporations, and private interest standing between us and our representatives.

So, what’s another wall, right?

Tell your cult following that you have more money than god—probably because he doesn’t use the stuff—but this will throw FEAR (something your party is an expert at) into the hearts of other countries.

Oh, and don’t forget to use fear against Muslims and Hispanics, too—even if they’re American citizens who are bilingual, unlike you. This will distract your base of support from the fact that you yourself barely have command of the English language.

Finally, flash a dopey smile, eat lots of fast food and get fatter, while making sure to act goofy—it becomes you.

It may not look presidential, but no one will ever suspect you of being competently able to lead the country.

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Occupation: Stand-Up Politician

So you say you want to go into political theater as a stand-up politician and make gobs of money, while messaging your humongous ego.

You could be forgiven for thinking comedy comes naturally to stand-up politicians, as opposed to stand-up comedians. I’ll not bother to mention that finding a stand-up politician is practically impossible to do.

Sure, some politicians have shown a real flair for stand-up…uh…fall down comedy. Note our gifted late President, Gerald R. Ford. You might say he was a natural.

Whether he was slipping on the stairs while exiting Air Force One, or falling on the slopes, his pratfalls looked accidental. But, what if those falls were no accident? What if he was a klutz by design?

Is it possible President Ford wasn’t clumsy at all, and that all those bumps, slips, and falls were well rehearsed pratfalls?

Someday, researchers may uncover that he actually studied under the likes of Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, and the great Charlie Chaplin.

Some have even suggested “Tricky Dick” Richard M. Nixon, never had to work at mugging it for the cameras. So what if the real truth came out, that he actually rehearsed morning, noon, and night in front of a bathroom mirror. Not so hard to believe, is it?

Maybe that could explain why he was able to say with such comic conviction, “I’m not a crook.” I guess he meant it when he said on the TV show “Laugh In, “Sock it to me” because the country sure did.

Some politicians had wit that seemed effortless. For example; Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy.

Abe Lincoln, once said of his famous opponent, Stephen Douglas, “his argument is about as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death.”

And President Kennedy, “They sank my boat.” to a little boy wanting to know how he became a war hero.

Yet, could it be both were blessed with wit and were the exception, not the rule?

Folks, let us not mix words—as that would require we put letters into a blender leading to an alphabet soup.

Politicians on the campaign trail have to work hard. Unlike elected government officials, who hardly work at all. Campaigning politicians at least have an excuse for not being prepared with solutions to the issues.

How come?

Because countless hours of preparation go into the practice of campaign rhetoric. In order to sell an strategically slung insult at an opponent, one has to sound smooth while doing it. This takes timing, proper facial expressions, and dumb luck if you’re a stand-up politician.

Hours of practicing their NATURAL god given wit—yeah whatever.

But, sometimes they pull it off, “Senator, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.” Lloyd Bentsen, devastating Dan Quayle in a 1988 debate.

And sometimes… they don’t, “You want me to go down there with a mop?” Gov. Chris Christie, responding to a woman who asked him why he was campaigning instead of surveying the snow damage in his state.

The stand-up politician has to be aware of his physical image too.

Be it Donald Trump, when it comes to his hair, or Chris Christie, when it comes to his weight. Maybe someone should tell Chris that the Grover Cleveland Alexander, William Howard Taft look is no longer in vogue, if it ever was.

Or what about Ted Cruz and his double chin. Could it be a triple chin? And what about Ben Carson and those droopy eyelids of his?

Still interested in going into stand-up politics? I didn’t think so. Stand-up comedy is much easier.

Besides, stand-up politicians are a great resource for mining laughs. Ask any stand-up comedian.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Vote For…

I have decided, not to decide, on funding a run for President of the United States for the 2016 election. Nor have I explored, the possibility of actively, or inactively exploring the possibility of running in the next Presidential election. Neither have I felt the need to engage in double talk—well not much.

And after having carefully not carefully considered considering, I will not throw my hat into the ring for President, as I do not have a hat that would possibly fit into a ring anyway.

But someone like me, or similar to me has to lead us… but who?

Now I’ve heard it said, that others say, that Hillary Clinton has not yet committed to running in 2016. I’ve heard it said—I won’t say by who—that her not running means she’ll likely not be in peak physical condition when she does finally make up her mind to run. So may I suggest Hillary—that you exercise.

And that (obviously) goes for you too—Governor Chris Christie. And you Governor Jeb Bush—you should think about it as well. And many say that that great American from Canada, Ted Cruz, seems to have a fat head, and that he should put it on a diet. I say—stop while you are a head, Ted.

And although Senator Rand Paul is running, I suspect running off at the mouth with the media (especially opposite women), may not be his best exercise.

There are others; like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who many in his state feel is not fit for office. But I’ll say this for him… he’s managed to get the opposition mad enough to exercise their right to vote against him. Great Scott! Good for you Governor Walker.

Then there is Senator Marc Rubio—who like most of the others considering running for President, just can’t come out and say he’d love to be President. Apparently this is considered a no-no by campaign advisers; as this clearly demonstrates to the public that they each have one enormous ego.

I guess, for appearances sake, it seems better to be seen acting like you don’t really care if you become President or not, by pretending you’re not interested. “Ah shucks folks, I haven’t made up my mind yet, besides; its up to you, the people (don’t forget to say that with a smile—charm).”

Translation: “Pleeease, say you like me, you really like me. Choose me and my ego, because I really need the funding in order to run, and I can’t wait to be in power—and stick it to all those naysayer’s.”

Also, I note you have to be a little blood-thirsty to run for President. Have you noticed how everyone who pretends to not be interested in running, is actually carrying some sort of gun around. Usually its a rifle.

Nothing wrong with having a gun, many Americans do, although they don’t make a show out of it. But does a politician really need to make a production out of it? Well maybe—if he wants the American Rifle Associations (ARA) member support, and funding for his campaign.

Why I recall carrying a gun worked out quite well for Dick Cheney a few years back, remember that?

But I’m not interested in being a write-in candidate for President of the United States. I’m not interested in being invited to a party be it Democratic, Republican, or even a Tea Party (remember—they are all mad there). All that does is create divisions which multiply, all adding up to a bunch of negatives. None of the above appear to be worthy of your support.

So who should we vote for to unite us?

Well forget President, instead vote for evil namely, Dr. Evil, and World Domination 2016! Give us your vote—or else.

Paid for by “The Dr. Evil campaign for World Domination 2016.” with One Milllllion Dollars.