No, Not Another Death Star!

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I admit I was only suspicious at first; the idea of an evil Empire being bought by Disney? But then it occurred to me; who better than the Disney people. Lets face it; who has all the money, all the power, all the influence, and now—The Force? Folks; DISNEY IS BUILDING ANOTHER DEATH STAR! death star

Why at this very minute, I’m willing to bet Darth Vader (with his new mouse ears helmet—designed by Disney Imagineers) is thinking up ways to prevent, yet another weakness being identified by the Rebel Alliance, which could result in another Death Star explosion. Think of the insurance risk!

Not to mention the fallout. Heads will roll… and they might be ours. But, he really should talk to Farmers.

Right now I suspect that more than a few of you out there are thinking, “this guy is probably more than a little crazy.” And I’m guessing the rest of you—are absolutely certain of it!

However, I feel it my responsibility to warn all of the human-race of an impending doom—with the possible exception of ISIS, Al Qaeda, and Marty Gunther—who used to beat me up all the time throughout the fourth grade after school.

When George Lucas first started running the Star Wars Empire, he didn’t have the kind of money, power, and influence required to build a powerful intergalactic juggernaut capable of universal mass destruction. This was no doubt due to his wanting to build Lucas Ranch in Marin County instead.

So he had to borrow money from a movie studio in Hollywood. You’ve heard of Hollywood? Well it used to be a planet, still is, only now its known as Planet Hollywood. Anyway,  they know a thing or two about promoting an idea—that’s not yet a reality. planet hollywood

Then one day the Disney Empire, who has its fingers into everything (and apparently connections with former President Ronald Regan, who dreamed up the Star Wars defense system-which was to act from space in our defense), decided to build a Star Wars ride. George must have been duped into giving his blessings.

Well one thing led to another, but I have no idea what either of those things are. So I guess I can’t talk about them now, because they have no bearing on this subject what so ever.

But back to the subject of the evil Galactic Empire located in a galaxy far, far away, but coming real soon to a planet near you.

When the real Emperor Palpatine found out that Disney had the rights to open a Star Wars ride in Disneyland, he must have infiltrated the Disney Corporation. The perfect cover, a family destination. Although, that must have been a real neat trick. Have you ver seen how this guy looks? Well there you go. themporor palpatine

Anyway, Palpatine had to figure George Lucas must have intrusted the little R2 unit (now owned by Disney) with the technical blueprints for the designing, and building of a real Death Star.

He had to have reasoned, that by capturing R2D2 he could sell a lot of popcorn with the making of another Star Wars movie. So he lured all the old cast members in, with the promise of bit parts, and now he probably has them too!

No opposition to the building of his new massive Death Star. Don’t you see people?

We’ve got to stop them and all the Imperial Storm-Troopers. We have to… hey, what are you guys doing with that straight jacket, and what about that big needle, your not gonna—Oh, Obi Wan, help me, you’re my only hope!

Zzzzzzzzz….

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How I Woke Up With A Face Tattoo

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I woke up this morning with the face of a Chinese Shar-Pei! Now that I have a dog face, I wonder if I shouldn’t march down to my local recruiters office and join up? However my wife thinks my appearance has improved.

Have you ever woke up with a face looking like an accordion because you slept too hard on your bedding. If you have, then you know where I’m coming from. And if you haven’t … “then why the hell not?” Sorry, sorry …  its just that I’m not used to waking up looking like Emperor Palpatine from “Star Wars.”Star Wars Emperor

My son even asked for my autograph! My wife wanted me to pose with him for a picture. I told her I charge for those.

Did you know that sebum on our epidermis prevents skin wrinkles when submerged in water, unless your in for an extended period of time. You know what that means—Aquaman’s skin must contain sebum enough to cover the pores of every single person on the planet, because he never has wrinkles.

Okay class, that’s enough science for today.

But imagine waking up looking like this and having to be somewhere at a specific time. Then picture yourself walking around Beverly Hills with your wife—where everyone is beautiful—and getting pulled over by animal control.

The officer say’s to my wife, “Maam, don’t you realize you need a license and a leash if you’re gonna walk your dog in public?” Everyone’s a straight-man.

Without batting an eyelash my wife pulled the mocha down from her lips (took a breath as if she was about to defend my honor) and say’s, “Thank you officer—then took another sip and responded—I will.”

My mouth hung open so wide, I thought my tongue fell out. After my youngest picked it up I was certain it did.

What can I say … people love their animals.

After today I have come to think of skin creases like tattoos, only without the ink. Who needs a tattoo parlor, all I ever really needed was a good nights sleep in a soft comfy bed, and some big plush pillows.

Quite by accident, I think I’ve discovered a whole new art form. No need for the needles anymore, and best of all, no pain.

I slept so hard on my face, the imprints from the sheets and pillow cases left me looking like a crumpled-up newspaper. The elephant man without the trunk, “I’m not an animal … I’m a prune!”

I thought about how people in this town get plastic surgery just to justify a plastic surgeons higher tax bracket, simply because they can afford it.

the mummyMost people worry about having crows feet and those lines that develop along there forehead. Not me, I’m worried that I’ll be confused with “The Mummy.”

A guy in the lobby even asked me, “What’s the name of your plastic surgeon so I know who NOT to call.”

Sleep wrinkles, what a concept.