So It’s Mid-August—Whad’ya Mean Summers Over?

It used to be that when June rolled around people started looking to get away from it all. Plans were made to escape the everyday grind. No more snow and very little rain meant folks started venturing out again. No more feeling like Jack Nicholson did at the very end of “The Shining.”

Summers over? Already?

By June most of us were ready for the good old summertime. After the Fourth of July holiday had passed, the middle of summer was setting in, thus signaling the time for barbecues with family and friends. By the time August came around, you were ready to take that summer getaway.

But wait… whats this? Our kids have to head back to school mid to late August now? But we haven’t taken our traditional summer family vacation yet. And what bozo made that decision? Whats that? The schools!

Well… lets take vacation anyway—I mean after all, our kids are back in school! Besides, we’ve always taken our summer vacation in August—kids or not!

Okay, okay the kids can come along, but we’ll have to get the teachers to sign off on it. Whad’ya mean the teachers are complaining about having to draw up some homework for the kids to do while they’re on vacation? Don’t they understand its August, and that not all families can take vacations in June or July?

I mean come on, there’s nothing like leaving Disneyland in the middle of the evening to go back to our hotel room, just so we can do hours of homework with the kids.

In fact, I can’t think of anything kids love more. Except maybe having their teeth worked on by the dentist during a root canal. 

Remember when schools used to start the academic year right after the Labor Day holiday—when it really felt like summer was actually nearing its end?

You remember that don’t you? Dad wore his loin-clothe, and mom used a bone in her hair instead of a hairpin, and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

But now schools need your summer vacation money more than ever, and the sooner the better.

If they wait until September to have your kids start school, they run the risk of angering parents when they send home picture day announcements on top of requesting donations for supplies, the cost of gym clothes, PTA memberships, and fund raising (gift wrap is real popular) for the first part of the school year.

And lets not forget special activities like, band, sports, after school clubs, and field trips—not to mention prepaid lunch money.

You don’t mind though, after all, you’ve only gone into hock to buy your kids new clothes so that they won’t attend school in the hand me down rags they’ve worn since the day they were born—and those barely fit! Not to mention backpacks that will be worn out, and school supplies which will be exhausted by Christmas break.

If you ever stop sending your child to school… the schools will go broke! Better you than them though, right?

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SCI—ICS—CIS—SIC—ISC—CSI

In the beginning there was “CSI,” rather “CSI Las Vegas.” Closely followed by “CSI Miami,” “CSI New York,” and soon “CSI Cyber” all on the CBS network. Had CBS stolen two capital letters from the alphabet, leaving only twenty-four capital letters for the other networks to use?

The CBS Network might have recognized that, any combination of capitalized letters C, S, or I, might empower them to strike fear into the hearts of a network competitor.

ABC and NBC both were already missing capitol letters I and S, and quickly complained to the FCC (Federal Communication Commission) about the apparent theft.

It should be noted—stealing capital letters is a capital offense, punishable by being forced to recite the whole alphabet with “Elmo” from “Sesame Street!”

The FCC immediately launched an investigation.

However; blind panic had already ensued over at Fox where all three capital letters C, S, and I, were missing.

Since the CW was already missing a third letter to begin with, the FCC—convinced that the CW was not a real network—never bothered to investigate their alleged theft.

But could CBS (quoting Michael from “ET” in “Yoda’s” voice, make the claim) “Yes, I have absolute power.” Or were they innocent of all allegations?

The FCC determined CBS may have gained an unfair advantage with the extra two capital letters in their possession. But without proof of any theft, no action could be taken against the Tiffany Network.

CBS continued to monopolize television.

Then, suddenly, capital N’s went missing. With NBC in possession of a capital N to begin with, where did the other N’s go?

Meanwhile, the FCC stumbled across Vanna White lying on a floor over at “Wheel Of Fortune.” She had been knocked down during the theft of some N’s, but she was okay. Pat Sajak was questioned about the theft.

Unfortunately Pat Sajak could only offer the FCC a chance to spin the wheel, which they declined to do. After all, without an N, the best anyone could spell was “Wheel Of Fortu e”—hardly worth the effort.

Before long CBS was making use of CSI by simply putting an N in front of the capital letters and then reversing the I and the S . Suddenly a show called “NCIS” became the new number one show on television. Not long after “NCIS, Los Angeles,” then”NCIS New Orleans” followed. A pattern was clearly developing.

I began to ponder the money that could be made from pitching an idea to CBS involving the use of the letters CSI.

One day, while waiting for my directionally challenged son to get out of school, I saw a school custodian stopping to spray off graffiti from a wall. “That’s it!” I thought.

I rushed home to hash out the details. My wife asked where our son was, I responded, “How should I know?”

Apparently—in my haste to get home to write down the details—I had forgotten to pick up our son. Oh well … I’m sure he’ll turn up—someday.

Meanwhile, CBS liked my idea, and coming this fall “CSI Custodial Scene Investigators” joins the CBS Fall lineup.

It’s all about a team of custodians who solve everything from locked empty bathroom stalls to stepped in wet wax.

What a relief though, our wayward son was just spotted…

On the back of a milk carton.