How does Trump do it? Does he have some super secret blueprint for running a winning political campaign?
Our crack SUPER spy, who occasionally does contract work for us here at “In My Cluttered Attic,” recently passed himself off as Donald Trump’s hair stylist.
While fumbling through, what passes for his hair, our spy stumbled across Trump’s political playbook.
The Washington Post and New York Times both offered us a substantial amount of money for the story, but we refused the offer.
We knew there were millions more to be made by offering this story to our readers first.
So here, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, is the confidential material—sequestered away on top of Donald Trump’s scalp.
It reveals how he has wrestled control away from the Republican elite, while appealing to their basic instinct of—securing more money, more power, and complete control of the country at the publics expense.
The hardest work he has ever done? No, he doesn’t know what hard work is.
So, what is in Trump’s political playbook?
First,: be yourself. This may include acting outlandish and having to draw all the attention to yourself, but think of how freeing this will be to your basic narcissistic inclination.
Be sure to hurl lots of insults at your opponents. This should come naturally to you. It will also help you standout from the millions of other Republican candidates running for president—particularly since you are aspiring to be God.
Call them liars. They may look bewildered and try to act like they don’t know what you’re talking about at first, but being liars themselves, they won’t look genuine at all. Plus, this will deflect all the attention away from the enormous whoppers you are telling!
And whatever you do, make sure you avoid discussing real political issues. However, if while at a debate, political issues should be brought up (sacrilege!), immediately change the subject to your opponent. Accuse them of something stupid, and then say something even more stupid yourself!
Do this in a showy and entertaining way. Make them the apprentice—you know how.
Know your audience. In a revolution, you must appeal to the rich and power-hungry, while still appealing to the uneducated. And, being that you fit both of the aforementioned, you should have no problem with this task.
You will probably have to spell this out for them, but not being able too spell well yourself might make this just another challenge for you.
Also, make the claim, “I love the poor and uneducated.”—they’ll believe you since you’re probably not as rich or educated as you claim to be.
*Note: The actual quote from Donald Trump was, “I love the poorly educated!” Now I was called out on this particular point, and rightly so. So, although this will probably come as a blow to the poor and uneducated folks (who are not enveloped in “The Donald’s” embrace of love) it still might come as a relief to those who are poorly educated.
And if there are some who are revolting within your party (like Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan), lead them down the garden path by telling them that you we’re just kidding when you said you were going to drain the swamp—since you actually were kidding.
Also, be as outrageous as possible—it worked on “The Apprentice.” Just say “Your fired!” as each one of them drops from the race.
In addition, adopt a look that draws attention to yourself—try putting SOMETHING on your head that looks ridiculous.
This will immediately separate you from the other yahoos in your party. Not even Bernie will be able to compete with you!
Nothing say’s “Sexy” to old frumpy-looking blond women like, like, like whatever it is that’s on your head. They’ll eat you up!
Accuse a candidate from the other party of infiltrating and trying to sabotage your campaign. As if they were really worried you could actually win an election.
This next part is very important; be sure to flip-flop… A LOT!
Not only does it keep your opponents guessing and off balance, it confuses the hell out of the media and public in general!
When in doubt…step on Little Marco. He knows how to flip-flop for you. What’s that? He’s gone already! Well, there’s always Ted Cruz and that other guy—what’s his name?
Never miss a chance to point out how rich you are—since living off the taxpayer will make it look like you really are as rich as your claiming.
This will make it possible for you to say that you can build anything you want. I don’t know what? MAYBE A WALL!
This will come as no surprise to most Americans, as they already have a wall between them and their representatives anyway.
I mean, we already have lobbyist, corporations, and private interest standing between us and our representatives.
So, what’s another wall, right?
Tell your cult following that you have more money than god—probably because he doesn’t use the stuff—but this will throw FEAR (something your party is an expert at) into the hearts of other countries.
Oh, and don’t forget to use fear against Muslims and Hispanics, too—even if they’re American citizens who are bilingual, unlike you. This will distract your base of support from the fact that you yourself barely have command of the English language.
Finally, flash a dopey smile, eat lots of fast food and get fatter, while making sure to act goofy—it becomes you.
It may not look presidential, but no one will ever suspect you of being competently able to lead the country.