Trump: The Political Playbook

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How does Trump do it? Does he have some super secret blueprint for running a winning political campaign?

YES!

Our crack SUPER spy, who occasionally does contract work for us here at “In My Cluttered Attic,” recently passed himself off as Donald Trump’s hair stylist.

While fumbling through, what passes for his hair, our spy stumbled across Trump’s political playbook.

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The Washington Post and New York Times both offered us a substantial amount of money for the story, but we refused the offer.

We knew there were millions more to be made by offering this story to our readers first.

So here, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, is the confidential material—sequestered away on top of Donald Trump’s scalp.

It reveals how he has wrestled control away from the Republican elite, while appealing to their basic instinct of—securing more money, more power, and complete control of the country at the publics expense.

The hardest work he has ever done? No, he doesn’t know what hard work is.

So, what is in Trump’s political playbook?

First,: be yourself. This may include acting outlandish and having to draw all the attention to yourself, but think of how freeing this will be to your basic narcissistic inclination.

Be sure to hurl lots of insults at your opponents. This should come naturally to you. It will also help you standout from the millions of other Republican candidates running for president—particularly since you are aspiring to be God.

Call them liars. They may look bewildered and try to act like they don’t know what you’re talking about at first, but being liars themselves, they won’t look genuine at all. Plus, this will deflect all the attention away from the enormous whoppers you are telling!

And whatever you do, make sure you avoid discussing real political issues. However, if while at a debate, political issues should be brought up (sacrilege!), immediately change the subject to your opponent. Accuse them of something stupid, and then say something even more stupid yourself!

Do this in a showy and entertaining way. Make them the apprentice—you know how.

Know your audience. In a revolution, you must appeal to the rich and power-hungry, while still appealing to the uneducated. And, being that you fit both of the aforementioned, you should have no problem with this task.

You will probably have to spell this out for them, but not being able too spell well yourself might make this just another challenge for you.

Also, make the claim, “I love the poor and uneducated.”—they’ll believe you since you’re probably not as rich or educated as you claim to be.

*Note: The actual quote from Donald Trump was, “I love the poorly educated!” Now I was called out on this particular point, and rightly so. So, although this will probably come as a blow to the poor and uneducated folks (who are not enveloped in “The Donald’s” embrace of love) it still might come as a relief to those who are poorly educated.

And if there are some who are revolting within your party (like Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan), lead them down the garden path by telling them that you we’re just kidding when you said you were going to drain the swamp—since you actually were kidding.

Also, be as outrageous as possible—it worked on “The Apprentice.” Just say “Your fired!” as each one of them drops from the race.

In addition, adopt a look that draws attention to yourself—try putting SOMETHING on your head that looks ridiculous.

This will immediately separate you from the other yahoos in your party. Not even Bernie will be able to compete with you!

Nothing say’s “Sexy” to old frumpy-looking blond women like, like, like whatever it is that’s on your head. They’ll eat you up!

Accuse a candidate from the other party of infiltrating and trying to sabotage your campaign. As if they were really worried you could actually win an election.

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This next part is very important; be sure to flip-flop… A LOT!

Not only does it keep your opponents guessing and off balance, it confuses the hell out of the media and public in general!

When in doubt…step on Little Marco. He knows how to flip-flop for you. What’s that? He’s gone already! Well, there’s always Ted Cruz and that other guy—what’s his name?

Never miss a chance to point out how rich you are—since living off the taxpayer will make it look like you really are as rich as your claiming.

This will make it possible for you to say that you can build anything you want. I don’t know what? MAYBE A WALL!

This will come as no surprise to most Americans, as they already have a wall between them and their representatives anyway.

I mean, we already have lobbyist, corporations, and private interest standing between us and our representatives.

So, what’s another wall, right?

Tell your cult following that you have more money than god—probably because he doesn’t use the stuff—but this will throw FEAR (something your party is an expert at) into the hearts of other countries.

Oh, and don’t forget to use fear against Muslims and Hispanics, too—even if they’re American citizens who are bilingual, unlike you. This will distract your base of support from the fact that you yourself barely have command of the English language.

Finally, flash a dopey smile, eat lots of fast food and get fatter, while making sure to act goofy—it becomes you.

It may not look presidential, but no one will ever suspect you of being competently able to lead the country.

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Occupation: Stand-Up Politician

So you say you want to go into political theater as a stand-up politician and make gobs of money, while messaging your humongous ego.

You could be forgiven for thinking comedy comes naturally to stand-up politicians, as opposed to stand-up comedians. I’ll not bother to mention that finding a stand-up politician is practically impossible to do.

Sure, some politicians have shown a real flair for stand-up…uh…fall down comedy. Note our gifted late President, Gerald R. Ford. You might say he was a natural.

Whether he was slipping on the stairs while exiting Air Force One, or falling on the slopes, his pratfalls looked accidental. But, what if those falls were no accident? What if he was a klutz by design?

Is it possible President Ford wasn’t clumsy at all, and that all those bumps, slips, and falls were well rehearsed pratfalls?

Someday, researchers may uncover that he actually studied under the likes of Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, and the great Charlie Chaplin.

Some have even suggested “Tricky Dick” Richard M. Nixon, never had to work at mugging it for the cameras. So what if the real truth came out, that he actually rehearsed morning, noon, and night in front of a bathroom mirror. Not so hard to believe, is it?

Maybe that could explain why he was able to say with such comic conviction, “I’m not a crook.” I guess he meant it when he said on the TV show “Laugh In, “Sock it to me” because the country sure did.

Some politicians had wit that seemed effortless. For example; Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy.

Abe Lincoln, once said of his famous opponent, Stephen Douglas, “his argument is about as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death.”

And President Kennedy, “They sank my boat.” to a little boy wanting to know how he became a war hero.

Yet, could it be both were blessed with wit and were the exception, not the rule?

Folks, let us not mix words—as that would require we put letters into a blender leading to an alphabet soup.

Politicians on the campaign trail have to work hard. Unlike elected government officials, who hardly work at all. Campaigning politicians at least have an excuse for not being prepared with solutions to the issues.

How come?

Because countless hours of preparation go into the practice of campaign rhetoric. In order to sell an strategically slung insult at an opponent, one has to sound smooth while doing it. This takes timing, proper facial expressions, and dumb luck if you’re a stand-up politician.

Hours of practicing their NATURAL god given wit—yeah whatever.

But, sometimes they pull it off, “Senator, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.” Lloyd Bentsen, devastating Dan Quayle in a 1988 debate.

And sometimes… they don’t, “You want me to go down there with a mop?” Gov. Chris Christie, responding to a woman who asked him why he was campaigning instead of surveying the snow damage in his state.

The stand-up politician has to be aware of his physical image too.

Be it Donald Trump, when it comes to his hair, or Chris Christie, when it comes to his weight. Maybe someone should tell Chris that the Grover Cleveland Alexander, William Howard Taft look is no longer in vogue, if it ever was.

Or what about Ted Cruz and his double chin. Could it be a triple chin? And what about Ben Carson and those droopy eyelids of his?

Still interested in going into stand-up politics? I didn’t think so. Stand-up comedy is much easier.

Besides, stand-up politicians are a great resource for mining laughs. Ask any stand-up comedian.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Vote For…

I have decided, not to decide, on funding a run for President of the United States for the 2016 election. Nor have I explored, the possibility of actively, or inactively exploring the possibility of running in the next Presidential election. Neither have I felt the need to engage in double talk—well not much.

And after having carefully not carefully considered considering, I will not throw my hat into the ring for President, as I do not have a hat that would possibly fit into a ring anyway.

But someone like me, or similar to me has to lead us… but who?

Now I’ve heard it said, that others say, that Hillary Clinton has not yet committed to running in 2016. I’ve heard it said—I won’t say by who—that her not running means she’ll likely not be in peak physical condition when she does finally make up her mind to run. So may I suggest Hillary—that you exercise.

And that (obviously) goes for you too—Governor Chris Christie. And you Governor Jeb Bush—you should think about it as well. And many say that that great American from Canada, Ted Cruz, seems to have a fat head, and that he should put it on a diet. I say—stop while you are a head, Ted.

And although Senator Rand Paul is running, I suspect running off at the mouth with the media (especially opposite women), may not be his best exercise.

There are others; like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who many in his state feel is not fit for office. But I’ll say this for him… he’s managed to get the opposition mad enough to exercise their right to vote against him. Great Scott! Good for you Governor Walker.

Then there is Senator Marc Rubio—who like most of the others considering running for President, just can’t come out and say he’d love to be President. Apparently this is considered a no-no by campaign advisers; as this clearly demonstrates to the public that they each have one enormous ego.

I guess, for appearances sake, it seems better to be seen acting like you don’t really care if you become President or not, by pretending you’re not interested. “Ah shucks folks, I haven’t made up my mind yet, besides; its up to you, the people (don’t forget to say that with a smile—charm).”

Translation: “Pleeease, say you like me, you really like me. Choose me and my ego, because I really need the funding in order to run, and I can’t wait to be in power—and stick it to all those naysayer’s.”

Also, I note you have to be a little blood-thirsty to run for President. Have you noticed how everyone who pretends to not be interested in running, is actually carrying some sort of gun around. Usually its a rifle.

Nothing wrong with having a gun, many Americans do, although they don’t make a show out of it. But does a politician really need to make a production out of it? Well maybe—if he wants the American Rifle Associations (ARA) member support, and funding for his campaign.

Why I recall carrying a gun worked out quite well for Dick Cheney a few years back, remember that?

But I’m not interested in being a write-in candidate for President of the United States. I’m not interested in being invited to a party be it Democratic, Republican, or even a Tea Party (remember—they are all mad there). All that does is create divisions which multiply, all adding up to a bunch of negatives. None of the above appear to be worthy of your support.

So who should we vote for to unite us?

Well forget President, instead vote for evil namely, Dr. Evil, and World Domination 2016! Give us your vote—or else.

Paid for by “The Dr. Evil campaign for World Domination 2016.” with One Milllllion Dollars.

Don’t Take Everything So Seriously

“Your Fired!” Upon hearing this proclamation from your boss you ask, “Seriously?” So you decide right then and there you’ll show him, from now on, you’re only going to let him be your former boss. At this point in time you also make a promise to yourself, never to take anything seriously anymore.

When you take something seriously bad things can happen. For example: My wife once took me seriously and look who she wound up with? Do you suppose anything I say now is ever going to be taken seriously? Not on your life.

When one of our girls came home from a date saying, “Mom and Dad, I think things are starting to get serious between us” we replied, “Whatever you do, don’t do that.” And because our children have ALWAYS done what we’ve asked them to, she promptly wrote the would-be Lothario a “Dear John.”

But it’s not just families that get overly serious about everyday life. I’ve recently started to take notice of certain situation comedies. You know the ones I’m talking about. The network voice-over guy will intone resonantly—”Tune in for a VERY SPECIAL situation comedy.” I take this to mean—laughs will be defused.

When your favorite comedy goes all seriously dark on you, someone at the network (perhaps an underling) needs to apply for unemployment by explaining to the network president, the meaning of humor.

As for consequences due to risky undertakings, I can only say… there are many—that is, if you listen to your mom. Skateboarding without a helmet, climbing on the counter with a knife, climbing that tree without a parachute, or getting caught in an accident with only your dirty underwear on.

All of the above are usually met with mom proclaiming, ” Your gonna fall and get seriously hurt.”—except for the last one. In that scenario, if you don’t do what she asked you to do, you’re gonna get smacked, but good, right into next week… and then fall and get seriously hurt.

And that would probably not be a good time to audition for the part of smart-ass of the week by saying, “Hey mom, lighten up”—or you might really get seriously hurt—by dad!

No doubt you have noticed that the world has also gotten pretty seriously screwed up of late. What with Isis and Al Qaeda still seriously running amok. Thank goodness we have Kim Jong il, of North Korea, and Vladimir Putin of the Soviet Union giving the world hope that all is not seriously lost.

Kim Jong il of North Korea getting his nose all bent out of shape over a silly movie, which wouldn’t have won an Oscar anyway. But really: then he hacks Sony Pictures—thus turning the “The Interview” into a rally for patriotism. Thank you Kim for showing us how not to be taken seriously.

And Vlad, for taking his shirt off and riding a horse like a Fabio wanna-be, just without the hair. In these times of world turmoil, its nice to know that at least two world leaders are trying to show us all how, not to be taken too seriously.

The Time Is 3 Minutes To Midnight

Is it that late already? When you’re writing a blog you just lose track of all time. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we have people who do keep track of time for us. I think we refer to them as … bosses.

But there is another clock that I had completely forgot about which yesterday jumped three whole minutes. Damn time flies when you’re running late, but it sure as hell drags butt after you get to work.

If one of our clocks did that, we might consult somebody in Switzerland to fix it. That, or check with the folks at the Greenwich Observatory in Greenwich, England, where time seems to be something of an obsession with them.

Anyway, the clock in question here is in Chicago, being watched by a group of Nobel laureates, who look suspiciously like Atomic Scientists. Maybe what gave them away was the white lab-jackets, or possibly, there were little mushroom clouds rising above their heads, because they are a little frustrated.

Now, I am known as a procrastinator of the first order, I know because my wife told me so. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. Yet as frustrating as we all can be, there are some people who think they are pretty important, and they exasperate the hell out of these clock-watching scientist.

These self-important people are called world leaders, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out how they earned their name. They don’t appear to lead or follow, but they are excellent at watching and waiting.

Since 1947 this clock — which scientists gave the quaint little name of “Doomsday Clock” to — has been ticking. Actually I don’t think its gears work real well, as these scientists move the hands manually.

Sometimes they move the hands forward, and occasionally they move them backwards — just like our kindergarten teachers did when teaching us how to tell time. This worries the scientist though. See, these big important people who call themselves “world leaders” act as if they don’t know how to tell time.

Who is acting!

The clock movements are based on serious potential danger to the citizens of earth. Unless I miss my guess … I think that might be us.

These dangers include, but are not exclusive to, weapons of mass destruction, unstable governments (rather broad in scope don’t you think, when you consider that is just about all of them), terrorist running amok with knives and automatic weapons, and climate change.

Up until this week, the Republican stance had been that climate change was nothing more than a hoax. On Wednesday they took off their blindfolds, and for the first time opened their eyes and saw that glaciers were melting, and that their socks were under water.

All of them except, Sen. Roger Wicker (R-Miss). He apparently chose to continue wearing a black hood over his head, perhaps as a fashion statement.

I guess if you can’t see the “Doomsday Clock” it probably is nothing more than a Cuckoo Clock to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight’s State Of The Union Preview

The whole nation is a twitter. I’ve  got goose-bumps myself, and I’ll bet your delirious too, all because tonight’s the annual—wait for it and take a deep breath…Presidents State of the Union Address.

What’s that sound?

Honey…I’m trying to work on my blog in here, do you think you could get those crickets to keep it down.

Now folks there’s no need to thank me or anything like that.

For what? For the warning silly’s. You know…to set your DVRs for must see TV.

Just think of it, every network—with the exception of course of the WB, and all those hundreds of cable channels, like Disney and the Weather Channel etc., will be carrying the Presidents address to the nation tonight.

This is a big deal folks, a chance for the whole family to gather around the set and see our government at WORK. I mean come on, this only happens ONCE a year!

You wouldn’t wanna miss a thing like that, “United we stand, divided we fall” you know stuff like that. This speech oddly has nothing to do with unity, despite its namesake, because everyone say’s we’re a country in gridlock, which must mean, don’t worry its great to be American.

And then, as if that wasn’t enough excitement for one evening, everybody makes nice—ah…yes, even Republicans, because the President enters before both houses of the Congress, and we all know who is in charge there. You can’t help thinking, what a brave man.

Oh, there will be smiles, shaking of hands and plenty of good old boy back-slapping all around as well. Then the speech by our President begins. From this point forward Republicans show great politeness as they sit continuously, mildly applaud, and even sometimes smile. I wonder why it always looks so forced though?

While the few Democrats left, will stand on occasion and applaud wildly, often for minutes on end. Must be terribly uncomfortable seats.

During all of this the Vice-President (a Democrat), and the Speaker of the House (another Republican), sit immediately behind the President. The Vice-President will usually smile broadly throughout, while the speaker of the House is no doubt sucking on a lemon, how else do explain the dour expression.

Seems like an awfully odd custom, but that’s the Congress for you. And from the looks of the House during the speech, the Republican Party must hand them out by the ton. Oh its high drama, I tell you.

Finally at the end, when the President leaves the chamber, and the news-media offers their evaluation of his many points, we get the Republican rebuttal.

Now this usually has nothing positive to offer in the way of praise for the President. But it always gives a great spin on everything Republican, with a big toothy grin at the end.

This lets us know that the Congress, and the President are still friends, and that they are really both working TOGETHER for all Americans…Just SEPARATELY.

Makes you feel like all of Capitol Hill works for Allstate, doesn’t it.