Words To Live By Are Not Always Possible

It all started back when I lost at a game of Monopoly while playing against my brothers.

If only I hadn’t bought those bogus properties. But how was I suppose to know you couldn’t collect money from hotels on Boardwalk or Park Place? Particularly when your brothers land on those properties.

And then there was that other stupid little known Monopoly rule. You know the one. It’s the one that allows siblings (WHO ARE YOUR BROTHERS) to erect hotels on trains whenever they buy railroad property.

I mean who knew?

So right then and there I decided to adopt a whole new philosophy about LIFE—I wasn’t ever going to play that game with them either. Not having enough money for railroad hotels scarred me for LIFE… let me tell ya.

From now on I was going to have new words to live by;  “Never do anything… unless it’s for money.”

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a new philosophy, seeing as the mob, corporations, and politicians had been doing it for years. But I figured, if it worked for them, then why not me, right?

At first, I even made a number of attempts at being an entrepreneur, beginning with a financial effort that backfired on my backside—literally.

One day as my mom leaned in for a kiss, I launched into my first sales pitch ever. I said, “Mom, from now on that’s gonna cost you.”

My quest to become a rich American continued anyway—albeit a bit more gingerly after that.

The next attempt at going into business for myself was not exactly my own idea. Almost an afterthought really. I started collecting empty cans and bottles. Oh… and piggy banks.

Piggy banks, you ask?

Well they didn’t really belong to me, they belonged to my brothers. I would happen upon them after my brothers emptied them to buy sodas for themselves. Naturally, this left me with empty piggy banks, but I did manage to get their empty cans and bottles, too.

Becoming a recycling king left me thirsting for some other financial enterprise to invest in. That’s when I hit on the idea of charging to use the bathroom?

For a small fee, of course.

My family paid me handsomely, too. Why cash flowed in right under the door—as opposed to under the table. Namely because I had removed all the toilet paper in advance of they’re using the bathroom.

This led to a falling out with my brothers. In the end they didn’t sit for it and ultimately beat the crap outta me. Another business venture down the toilet.

That’s when I realized that I needed to start charging for everything.

Want me to eat all my vegetables? Better pay up! Finish my homework? I don’t work cheap. Doing chores around the house? Well I’m not just working for my health here you know! Want the pleasure of my company on a family vacation?

Celebrities aren’t the only one’s who charge for pictures and autographs!

Suddenly I was rolling in cheddar, cabbage, dough, clams—but nothing in the way of cash. You can only eat so much cheddar, cabbage, dough and clams before something’s gotta give, and so I decided I needed a real job. Hardly words to live by—but at least it paid.

And that’s when I was hit with an epiphany, which is better than a barcalounger—which really hurts!

Instead of “Words to live by” I thought; Why not find A WORD to live by.” And that’s when I decided on the word… WRITER. I figured, if it worked for John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Truman Capote then why not me, right?

Now, back to another game of Monopoly with my brothers.

CHANCE? Go to jail, go directly to jail, don’t pass Go, don’t collect $200!

john.do

john.do

“Hey guys, do the Monopoly rules allow me to collect money while I’m in jail?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Playing Fast And Loose With The Facts

expert

These days, with all politicians throwing their hats into the ring in an attempt to become president, we’re likely to get an education on how to play fast and loose with the facts. But then again, politicians are experts at that sort of thing, and I’m only an amateur—or am I? politicians

So, would you like to hear my theory on playing it loose with the facts?

Well too bad, I have a few twisted examples before I can complete another ridiculous post. So sit down—please!

First of all, Mark Twain once said, “Get your facts first, than you can distort them as you please.”

For example; George Washington was the first president of the United States, that’s a fact—but he also had wooden teeth. Donald Trump is running for president of the United States, another fact—but he has SOMETHING on his head.

These are the facts, but I’m playing fast and loose with them.

How about a factoid? it’s not really a fact. In reality, it’s a word with an o-i-d added on. That’s verifiable, but a factoid is not.

For those in the know this won’t come as a big shock, but Disney World is not really a world—just a theme park. And, just try New York City, just try and prove to the world (any world) that you’re a Big Apple. You can’t—can you?

Bruce Jenner is not a complete woman—well not yet anyway.

Their might be giants, but it won’t be the San Francisco or New York Giants. Both are frauds! Here’s why—(Y).

Now that that silliness is out of the way here’s why I called both Giant teams, big fibbers.

Justin Maxwell who plays for the San Francisco Giants is only 6’5′ inches tall, and he’s their tallest player.

And Chris Canty and Matt McCants of the New York Giants are the tallest on their team, and each is only 6’7 inches tall. Hardly Giants among men, wouldn’t you say? So those Giants (both of them), aren’t really Giants at all! Oh, that’s a bonus fact. No charge… oh, and that’s a bonus, bonus fact!

full moonThe moon is full… even after its eight—I mean its ate. Well… you have to throw in a few random facts, right?

Bet you all knew that Pluto was considered a planet long before 1919. The International Astronomical Union (IAU) doesn’t think so though. They decided to declare Pluto a dwarf planet. No problem, the (IAU) hasn’t been around as long as Pluto—in fact only SINCE 1919.

So Mickey Mouse decided to name his dog, Pluto. Just let the (IAU) try and declare him one of the 7 dwarfs! They can’t, not in their power. Take that (IAU)!pluto

Elvis sightings are real—even if Mr. Presley is gone—that includes that short order cook at the Sahara.

Sgt. Joe Friday (Jack Webb) from “Dragnet” fame made a living saying “Just the facts mam” even to the men!

Okay, I made that last part up, but I couldn’t leave it at that, not with a cheap laugh still out there to be had. You know, I’m actually starting to feel more like an expert on this subject now.

Anyway, that’s my theory on playing fast and loose with the facts. Now you could appoint a fact finding committee to check them out, but please keep in mind what Albert Einstein once said…

albert“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”

A Vote For…

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I have decided, not to decide, on funding a run for President of the United States for the 2016 election. Nor have I explored, the possibility of actively, or inactively exploring the possibility of running in the next Presidential election. Neither have I felt the need to engage in double talk—well not much.

And after having carefully not carefully considered considering, I will not throw my hat into the ring for President, as I do not have a hat that would possibly fit into a ring anyway.

But someone like me, or similar to me has to lead us… but who?

Now I’ve heard it said, that others say, that Hillary Clinton has not yet committed to running in 2016. I’ve heard it said—I won’t say by who—that her not running means she’ll likely not be in peak physical condition when she does finally make up her mind to run. So may I suggest Hillary—that you exercise.hillary

And that (obviously) goes for you too—Governor Chris Christie. And you Governor Jeb Bush—you should think about it as well. And many say that that great American from Canada, Ted Cruz, seems to have a fat head, and that he should put it on a diet. I say—stop while you are a head, Ted.

And although Senator Rand Paul is running, I suspect running off at the mouth with the media (especially opposite women), may not be his best exercise.

There are others; like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who many in his state feel is not fit for office. But I’ll say this for him… he’s managed to get the opposition mad enough to exercise their right to vote against him. Great Scott! Good for you Governor Walker.

Then there is Senator Marc Rubio—who like most of the others considering running for President, just can’t come out and say he’d love to be President. Apparently this is considered a no-no by campaign advisers; as this clearly demonstrates to the public that they each have one enormous ego.

I guess, for appearances sake, it seems better to be seen acting like you don’t really care if you become President or not, by pretending you’re not interested. “Ah shucks folks, I haven’t made up my mind yet, besides; its up to you, the people (don’t forget to say that with a smile—charm).”

Translation: “Pleeease, say you like me, you really like me. Choose me and my ego, because I really need the funding in order to run, and I can’t wait to be in power—and stick it to all those naysayer’s.”

ted and blunderbusterAlso, I note you have to be a little blood-thirsty to run for President. Have you noticed how everyone who pretends to not be interested in running, is actually carrying some sort of gun around. Usually its a rifle.

Nothing wrong with having a gun, many Americans do, although they don’t make a show out of it. But does a politician really need to make a production out of it? Well maybe—if he wants the American Rifle Associations (ARA) member support, and funding for his campaign.

Why I recall carrying a gun worked out quite well for Dick Cheney a few years back, remember that?

But I’m not interested in being a write-in candidate for President of the United States. I’m not interested in being invited to a party be it Democratic, Republican, or even a Tea Party (remember—they are all mad there). All that does is create divisions which multiply, all adding up to a bunch of negatives. None of the above appear to be worthy of your support.

So who should we vote for to unite us?

Well forget President, instead vote for evil namely, Dr. Evil, and World Domination 2016! Give us your vote—or else.Doctor Evil

Paid for by “The Dr. Evil campaign for World Domination 2016.” with One Milllllion Dollars.