All The Good Subjects To Write About Were Gone

Nothing gets people talking, like what this blog talked about all week long. Nothing. As you probably noticed, no one said nothing about it either, and that’s nothing new. The problem was; I had nothing left to write about, all the good subjects were taken by other blogger’s.

I fear I’ll have nothing to write about for weeks.

Writer’s block can leave you with plenty of nothing to write about. There is nothing more terrifying for a writer to write about, than nothing. Particularly, when everyone else is writing about something. In fact, the only writing I did this last week, was when I wrote comments on other people’s blogs.

Writing comments on subjects other people have already written about is a lot easier, let me tell ya.

Brain-block is a terrible thing, especially when you take up writing a blog. Occasionally, followers come looking for something to read. Its not like when you wrote in some personal journal or a diary. Particularly one that didn’t belong to you.

In those cases no one cares except you, the snoopy mom, the dopey sister, or the ruthless dumb blackmailer who kidnapped your boss in hopes of extorting money from you, or he’d dump your boss in the river—which you let happen, because you didn’t get that Christmas bonus you were counting on.

But a blog…

A blog can open windows, telling you all about people and their personal lives—which is often better than eavesdropping on them. Or about their pets—and possibly more than you ever wanted to know about their personal lives…especially their sex lives.

Blogger’s also write poetry, good and bad… and much worse than bad—”See Rex, see Rex run, see Rex run for fun. Run Rex, run, run, run.” Some blogs, are by unpublished authors talking about books they’re going to write—and never finish…or get published.

Then, they’re the blogs about traveling to places—you can’t afford to go see. Comics—by people with more talent than you; hobbies and crafts—again, by people with more talent than you; Photography—by photographers more gifted than you; and movies and television—by people with more money than you!

Then there’s me—the blogger with no post. Because, they’re no subjects left worth writing about.

Oh sure, the blogging community left me a few boring subjects I considered toying with. But, they’re the rejects. Subjects, that no other blogger would dare touch with a 12 inch keyboard. Riveting material that could lead to post titles like:

“Aunt Hester’s gall-stone surgery and her sister, Bertha’s, bunions.” How’s that for a Stephen King wanna-be’s poorly written horror novel post? “My work”—good for two or three words, maybe a complete sentence!

Or, I could write about, “Sleeping Habits of the Sandman deprived Narcoleptic.” Oh here’s a good one,  “Small Talk and the Weather…conversation starters that won’t get you noticed.” And finally, “How Facebook allowed—Big Jim Martin, my next door neighbor—into last nights nightmare.”

No…I think the good subjects are all gone folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All About What’s Going On Up There!

mind-reading

You know, every once in awhile I’ll get a comment or two from people. Oh yeah… but that’s the price you pay for only having ‘the happiest most IMPOSSIBLE to find blog on the entire internet.’ And, one or two folks have even gone so far as to tell me that they love my poetry—which I find strangely odd—since I don’t write poetry.

However, I do confess that at one time, I did consider having the EASIEST to find blog on the entire internet. But, then it occurred to me that Vito and Vinnie might find me. So, I’ve since reconsidered that idea, and I’m going to continue lying low for a while longer. Sorry boy’s, thank Mario for the nice offer, but I don’t think I’d like sleeping with the fishy’s.

Anyway, recently a woman named, Helen—from New Jersey—after having read my blog, asked me this question, “What goes on in that mind of yours, is there any possibility of you donating your brain to science—perhaps while your still alive?”

Touched as I was by her desire to learn the INGENUOUS way in which my mind works, I felt that I had to remind her that a GENIUS has so much more to offer the world without donating my mind to science while I’m still alive. There will be plenty of time to do that… long after I’m dead.

Helen, who is from some place called, Princeton replied; “Don’t kid yourself BROTHER.”

Helen, dear lady, I don’t think I have a sister in New Jersey, but I do think there is an easy way to find out if we’re related.

We need only to have your blood drawn to test and see if you are from the AMA. It’s a great way to find out if you’ve ever belonged to the American Medical Association. It’s better than messing with the DNA, and then we’ll know if we’re a match.

But personally, I’m pretty sure I’ve never worked for the AMA. So, I seriously doubt if we can relate to each other.

Still, some folks have pressed me for more details about what goes on up inside my head—and let me just say; those waterboard sessions were the worst! Yes, I’ve even told readers that they could read what’s “In My Cluttered Attic” to find out what’s going on up there, but I guess they wanted a second by second account.

And so, for the very first time in—In My Cluttered Attic’s—history, I am going to give you—my reader’s— a chance to experience the wonder that is… my brain. Hold on tight now…this could get a little intense, but please, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Alright, here we go…

………..Okay…….I’m getting an image now……..Yes……….I’m seeing a cheese steak sandwich……..but I can’t eat it yet…………..DARN!…………. because it’s only in my mind………………………but boy does that sound good right now!……………….. SEX!……………..But, I better wait for lunch……………….. SEX!…………………But, I’m hungry now!………………….SEX!………………Wait a minute!………………I gotta tinkle…………………….I’ll be right back………………………………………oh my wife is going to kill me………….because I left the toilet seat up again!……………. …………………..SEX!…………..Oh wait!……..I have another thought coming in……………………………………………..never mind……………..it’s gone…………………..oh……. Oh………OH wait………..SEX!………..Woohoo!…………………lost it there for a moment………sorry…………..is it lunch yet?……………..Oh for crying out loud………………SEX!……………….Now focus stupid………….stop and concentrate…………………..on SEX!………………….oh, for the love of………SEX!……………stop and think about…………………….SEX!………………Gee whiz……………..I mean, I know that being a man means we think about………SEX!………… a lot…………….but every seven seconds?……….Come on!……….. SEX………………..no wonder it takes me so long to do a post!………SEX!………Oh this is terrible this is!……SEX!!!  4433318601_80d12e0efb

Perhaps Fame Is Relative

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When you pose with a celebrity,             tom hanks

a celebrity you yourself will be.

For when you pose with a celebrity,

people ask them who you are, you see?

 

People of note are people,Kim and cash

people like you and me,

They have wives and they have children,

and perhaps pocket money like 80 “G.”

 

Plus luminary’s and sports stars, bathroom

may always put on a show,

But them and us are no different,

in bathrooms we all must go.

 

The hotshots may have personality, lindsay

and we may treat them all as gods,

Yet while we dwell in obscurity,

Occasionally they act like clods.

 

So one day you meet a celebrity, jack signs

a pen they ask as they greet you,

Remember this small poem and sign,

and to whom do I autograph this to?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have You Remembered What Day Tomorrow Is?

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Tomorrow is that very special day. That holiday where people we love are singled out. Yep you guessed it… “Singles Awareness Day.”

What are the odds that “Valentine’s Day” would fall on the same day?

Now I know what your thinking, your thinking…I’ve never… I’ve never heard of… well… I’ve never heard of anyone forgetting to celebrate “Singles Awareness Day” have you?

Well singles certainly haven’t.

Of course “Valentine’s Day” always gets the lions share of the attention on February 14th, but that’s only because some little curly haired kid with wings has a bow and arrow to shoot people in the ass with. And who gives a child that age a bow and arrow, and a name like, “Cupid,” to fly around doing stuff like that?stupid cupid

And by the way, I dare you to find a baby book with the name “Cupid” in it as a suggested name for a child.

“Singles Awareness Day” has never had to stoop to such low sensational tactics, say nothing of the bribery that goes on like buying candy, glittery cards, writing poetry or taking ones romantic other to dinner. And the reason for that, because singles don’t have significant others…so there.

Don’t be like that—singles don’t want your pity—they want your other… well sometimes.

And they’re not narcissistic either—well maybe a little love for themselves, and okay, in some cases full-blown self-infatuation—but on the whole, they are just like you and me. But not because they want to be—well maybe, occasionally.

“Singles Awareness Day” is all about the joy of not having to be committed to no one else but yourself.

Or until George Clooney gets divorced, or if your a guy… well, until George Clooney gets divorced! Well in the case of some guys I’m sure that’s true.

Singles also celebrate not having to share everything. Things like money, a bank account, money, a house, MONEY, and then children.

Unless of course they’ve had a rough week with their children, in which case they’d turn over complete custody in a heartbeat to their now, less-than-significant other, and then leave the country.

On this day singles celebrate being able to watch any program they want without compromise. They relish going to see a movie they want to see without having to flip a coin to decide on, “The Notebook” or “Predator.”

Singles on this day say, “I’m buying that dress, because no one here is gonna tell me I can’t afford it.”

And another single somewhere else will say, “I’m buying season tickets for my favorite sports team, and you can’t tell me I can’t afford it—even though I can’t afford it. After which he will sleep on his friend Jim’s couch, or a park bench.”

So remember friends, this Saturday February 14th there are two holidays, and ah one—”50 Shades of Grey.”