Have You Had An Out Of Body Experience?

out of body

Have you ever had an out of body experience? Well I am having one right now, and it’s totally by design. At this very minute, I am looking over your shoulder as you read this post. Don’t be alarmed!

There is no point in you looking back over your shoulder, my body isn’t there. That’s because it’s currently at the physical therapists office getting treatments. More about that later.

You are participating in a experiment (although you didn’t realize it) being conducted by myself, and for the Out of Body Experience Research Foundation, better known as (OBERF). But they don’t know about it either.

Astral ProjectionI am trying out my new Astral Projection capabilities by allowing my invisible soul to conduct the experiment, while my body is getting a well deserved rest. Again, more about that later.

You have been selected as my guinea pig—because I like you.

Oh alright, truth be told, you just happened to be available. But don’t let that worry you though, you’ll still be allowed to run on the wheel (you call it a treadmill) all you want, after the experiment is over. You’ll be your old self in no time. pig on wheel

And, all the collected data from my findings—except for the really juicy stuff—will be turned over to (OBERF) at some later date—maybe.

Of course, this rare ability of mine has not come without some consequences. Before I was able to harness my powers of separation between body and soul, there was the infamous after school beating I took from my arch enemy, Gary Hall. Normally, I would have thrashed him but for his gang of 50 bullies.

Yes, it took 51 of them to take me out that day.

Over time though, I started to realize I could use Astral Projection to leave my body, especially in times of beatings. Months later, when I was again cornered by Gary and his minions of evil, I was able to leave my body, just before it was pummeled and left in the fetal position.

evil minionsHowever, I may have made a mistake by allowing my inner self (once it removed itself from my body) to yell to the bullies, “Go ahead, knock yourself out dummies!” My body still hasn’t forgiven me that one.

Over time, I’ve have learned that letting my inner self taunt neanderthals is probably not a good idea. But accidents will happen, like last week when I was jaywalking. At the last second, my inner self caught sight of a car coming.

Well, my soul quickly evacuated and in the nick of time—my body wasn’t so lucky… again. Thus, ongoing treatments to my body at the physical therapist office.

But enough about me, lets talk about you.

I’ve been studying you folks, and I have taken note of a few of your out of body experiences. And it is my opinion that harnessing your Astral Projection capabilities can’t help but improve your life.

For you men, your inner self is using only 30 seconds for foreplay and only 3 minutes for sex before exiting your body to sleep. Gentlemen, that’s not going to cut it.

PeopleAnd ladies, I’ve caught your inner self exiting your body during the act of love-making, and then finding your People magazine with Chris Hemsworth on the cover. What is that all about, huh?

And can we talk bathroom etiquette for a moment. Men, watch that toilet seat!

While your body does what it must, your inner self exits sooner than that in order to get back to the game, forgetting to put the seat back down. So watch that toilet seat, buddy.

Not literally you fool!

And I’ve been watching you ladies too. What’s with your body leaving a nearly empty spool of toilet paper for the guy that follows you, while your inner self is sitting up in bed reading 50 Shades of Grey?

Oh, by the way ladies, just ignore that hot breath you think you might be feeling on the back of your neck while you’re taking a shower. As far as you know, its probably just an open window.

Well I better be going now, my inner self has to get back to the therapists office before my body finds itself in a full body cast. bodycastIt’s lost without me.


It’s Terrible Being The Beautiful People—I’m glad I Don’t Have Their Burden


Don’t you sometimes wish you were one of the beautiful people? Unless of course you were one of the beautiful people, in which case you’d feel sorry for their burden.

I know you probably don’t want my pity beautiful people, but its no problem… really.

When I see one of the beautiful people walking down the street, in a magazine, at the movies, or on television, I wish I could feel their pain, but I’m glad I don’t.

It’s said beauty is only skin deep. Of course—any deeper than that and they’d be perfect. Talk about stating the obvious.

I could never feel the burden of perfection though, because there is no burden with perfection, since nobody’s perfect!

Beauty is different, otherwise there would be no “People” magazine covers pointing out the most beautiful people in the world? Or a song by Marilyn Manson called “The Beautiful People” or that group of narcissist in the professional wrestling world who were known as “The Beautiful People.”

Beautiful people come close, but fall just short of perfection.

Imagine running a race and losing by just a fraction of a second instead of being beat by a mile. That couldn’t help but be a totally crushing defeat.

Say after years of meticulous research and experimentation, you were on the verge of a breakthrough in science, one that would give you recognition and gratitude from around the world.

Well you’d be nuts and living in a dream world!

Okay, but for a moment, lets just fantasize that you were such a person…

thAnd at the very last minute you find yourself being upstaged by Alfred E. Neuman of “Mad Magazine” fame,  and he announces the same discovery just before you. You’d be devastated right? Say nothing of being utterly humiliated by the likes of a non-existent goofy-looking and pretentious cartoon character.

Thanks for playing.

Well that’s what happens to the beautiful people. So close, yet so far from being what their plastic surgeon had hoped they’d turn out to be once he was done with their face.

So now, instead of being beautiful and perfect, they have to settle for being uglier than sin, or the average looking people—who are just mile or two below the rest of us in the looks department.

There’s a lesson in all of this, and no its not that being a plastic surgeon makes you sort of like… Dr. Frankenstein.dr.