Words To Live By Are Not Always Possible

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It all started back when I lost at a game of Monopoly while playing against my brothers.

If only I hadn’t bought those bogus properties. But how was I suppose to know you couldn’t collect money from hotels on Boardwalk or Park Place? Particularly when your brothers land on those properties.

And then there was that other stupid little known Monopoly rule. You know the one. It’s the one that allows siblings (WHO ARE YOUR BROTHERS) to erect hotels on trains whenever they buy railroad property.

I mean who knew?

So right then and there I decided to adopt a whole new philosophy about LIFE—I wasn’t ever going to play that game with them either. Not having enough money for railroad hotels scarred me for LIFE… let me tell ya.

From now on I was going to have new words to live by;  “Never do anything… unless it’s for money.”

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a new philosophy, seeing as the mob, corporations, and politicians had been doing it for years. But I figured, if it worked for them, then why not me, right?

At first, I even made a number of attempts at being an entrepreneur, beginning with a financial effort that backfired on my backside—literally.

One day as my mom leaned in for a kiss, I launched into my first sales pitch ever. I said, “Mom, from now on that’s gonna cost you.”

My quest to become a rich American continued anyway—albeit a bit more gingerly after that.

The next attempt at going into business for myself was not exactly my own idea. Almost an afterthought really. I started collecting empty cans and bottles. Oh… and piggy banks.

Piggy banks, you ask?

Well they didn’t really belong to me, they belonged to my brothers. I would happen upon them after my brothers emptied them to buy sodas for themselves. Naturally, this left me with empty piggy banks, but I did manage to get their empty cans and bottles, too.

Becoming a recycling king left me thirsting for some other financial enterprise to invest in. That’s when I hit on the idea of charging to use the bathroom?

For a small fee, of course.

My family paid me handsomely, too. Why cash flowed in right under the door—as opposed to under the table. Namely because I had removed all the toilet paper in advance of they’re using the bathroom.

This led to a falling out with my brothers. In the end they didn’t sit for it and ultimately beat the crap outta me. Another business venture down the toilet.

That’s when I realized that I needed to start charging for everything.

Want me to eat all my vegetables? Better pay up! Finish my homework? I don’t work cheap. Doing chores around the house? Well I’m not just working for my health here you know! Want the pleasure of my company on a family vacation?

Celebrities aren’t the only one’s who charge for pictures and autographs!

Suddenly I was rolling in cheddar, cabbage, dough, clams—but nothing in the way of cash. You can only eat so much cheddar, cabbage, dough and clams before something’s gotta give, and so I decided I needed a real job. Hardly words to live by—but at least it paid.

And that’s when I was hit with an epiphany, which is better than a barcalounger—which really hurts!

Instead of “Words to live by” I thought; Why not find A WORD to live by.” And that’s when I decided on the word… WRITER. I figured, if it worked for John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Truman Capote then why not me, right?

Now, back to another game of Monopoly with my brothers.

CHANCE? Go to jail, go directly to jail, don’t pass Go, don’t collect $200!

john.do

“Hey guys, do the Monopoly rules allow me to collect money while I’m in jail?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Friends, Would You Like Your Bank Account Cleaned Out By Me?

Well I can. Hey friends, Paul here. Let me ask you something, how clean is your money? Does George Washington’s wig look like it’s in need of a dry cleaning; is the outside of the Capitol Rotunda in need of a scrub; or the White House like, covered with graffiti and autographs by people you don’t even know?

And what about all that change you carry around? Does Woodrow Wilson look like he was lying face down in a pile of dirt dating back to the Neolithic time period; and what about Abe Lincoln’s appearance, does he look like he hasn’t bothered to bathe in more than four score and seven years ago?

Yes my friends, I think it’s safe to say that you have dirty, filthy, money, and I’m here to take it off your hands. Just think of all the germs! But, with my new money laundering service, you’ll never again have to worry about ever having your bank account cleaned out, because I can do it for you.

No, no it’ll be my pleasure.

Recently I acquired a little laundromat. However, it wasn’t pulling in the kind cash I thought it would. Instead, people were bringing in their grungy, stinky, dirty clothes, and then washing them in my new machines. I didn’t mind it at first, but I felt I was only getting chump change in return on my investment.

Enter Pedro and Emiliano my new found friends and investors. One night they came in (from Columbia), and asked me if I’d be interested in operating a real money laundering service? I told them that I thought I was! They laughed, and then helped me replace bags of dirty clothes with sacks of cash.

And all tax free!

Well, I’m all for making a pretty penny, aren’t you? So, I said yes to their proposition and today my dryers are rolling in dough, and yours can be in there too. Granted, when their representatives first started bringing in cash for distribution to other countries, I assumed they wanted me to have it laundered first.

Whoa, big mistake! Santiago (that’s Pedro’s number two guy), he explained to me—you know, he carry’s a machete, showed me how sharp it was too by cutting Emiliano for not telling me he didn’t want the money washed—that they only wanted their money laundered through other countries, not my machines.

He did say, however, that if I wanted to wash my own cash in the machines—and that of my blogger friends—that that was fine with him and my fellow investors. They just want to use my laundromat as a front he said, for laundering their own cash through other countries.

Naturally I said that was fine, especially since they compensate me very well. You know, since I bought into their idea of letting them invest in my laundromat I have a new house, several new cars, a yacht in Monaco (you see that real big one in the photo, yep, its mine), and a flush bank account too—with plenty of clean money I might add. But best of all…

No more dirty clothes in my new washer and dryers.

So friends, let Pedro, Santiago (Emiliano’s untimely demise left room for a new partner), and myself, help clean your bank accounts out too. I promise they’ll be as clean as a whistle!

Incidentally, I’m not entirely sure about this, but I think Emiliano losing his head the way he did, might possibly have coined that phrase—clean as a whistle. But if any of you would like to look it up and get back to me, just to let me know for sure, I’d appreciate it.

You see, I’m a little busy pulling my cash out of the dryer right now, and I still have to wrap and stack it. Because, with Emiliano’s sudden departure, he left me with a big bloody mess, and now I have to rewash all that blood money.

Integrity Blogging—Well Sort Of

This originally was to be a blog committed to one purpose and one purpose only … making money. But after a HUGE reality check (that’s a check without money) I have since had to assign a reluctantly different goal to my blog—laughter?

As with MOST of us who blog for a living, we soon discover that the two words living and blog don’t really belong together in the same sentence. I just had another epiphany … my blog will not only be working without dollars now, but also with an economy of words—although that will no doubt be a plus for all of you.

Still, my blog needn’t be short-changed.

Verbose as I am, less is going to have to be more. I also wanted to be original, but I soon discovered originality had already been tried. In point of fact; being the SAME has even been done—to death!

And then there was my concern over what kind of content would be in my blog. Trying to bring a unique and fresh approach to a blog can be like trying to bring an extraordinary, yet contemporary advance to dealing with sewage. Could it be done?

Who cares—I just want to do a blog. But, as you can see, the reasons for doing a blog are shrinking by the paragraph.

Yikes, this means my blog will not include making money, originality or sameness, say nothing of fame without my name—And I think I’ll hold out for fame with my name thank you very much.

Also, did I mention that I’m technologically challenged? If I did … then that was the end of the accomplishment part of this post. Mastering anything when it comes to WordPress is going to be a distant SECOND to navigating the computer for me.

Translation?

If this was a marathon … me navigating WordPress probably hit a wall several miles back and is seeking the “Geek Squad” for assistance. I’ll finish the race but in years, not hours. Likely sprawled out on a stretcher—barely cognizant of the internet.

But I don’t care, I still have my integrity … you’ll not see me go chasing after followers by attaching some award to my site just to get noticed. When I read someones blog and like it, I’m going to follow them. And if they check my blog and seem to like it … I’ll lock the doors and keep em as my followers.

I’ll earn my awards the old fashion way—by sending an enormous cash advance to FRESHLY PRESSED (Gee its been awhile—hope they got the check).

Come on now, you have to confess, you and I do a blog because we like to write. That and a private journal or diary comes without a publish button.

Admit it, the idea of creating our own site can be intoxicating because we get to use our (okay … WordPress’) imagination.

And let’s face it, our own blog has not only intrinsic value, but also offers an eclectic and idiosyncratic written work which can entreat many or few, but ostensibly—SOMEONE. Forget the stats, enjoy those followers who discover you by accident—as long as Judas is not among them.

And get this. The Free Dictionary by Farlex, defines an author by saying, “To write or be the author of (a published text)”—so hey, we’re all published authors to boot. Take that big name publishers who are responsible for my ever growing stack of rejection slips!

Yeah alright, I’ll say it, “Show me the money!”

I know, I know Cuba Gooding Jr. said it in Jerry Maguire—but I think it sounds better when you read it in my blog instead of hearing it in that movie.

I Wanna Be A Loser!

Whaaaaaaa!!!

I wanna be a loser—in most things in life I usually am but, no one ever gives me anything for it.

Whaaaaaaa!!!

Am I jealous? Well of course I am. Give me money give me gifts, give me anything I want, and even some things I don’t want. Why? Because I’m a loser! I only want my fair share, or my unfair share, or your share, but I want a share, any share, and I want those shares NOW.

sniffle, sniffle…

Now you may be asking yourself, what possibly could have set this big cry-baby off? Why is this loser asking for anything? This guy whines too much.

If he’s this incredible loser—like he say’s—then he’s not entitled to money, gifts or glittering baubles.

Well that’s where your wrong, blogosphere breath!

You see, you don’t have to come in first to come out on top, just ask the “Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences” about that one. It pay’s to lose an Oscar.

At the Academy Awards tonight, of those who have nominations in the major award categories, the winners only get an Oscar.

However the group that does not win gets all the loot! These … are my kind of people. And boy do they make out like bandits.

Johnny … tell em what they’ve won—by way of losing.

Well, there’s a box of luxury condoms for $56 and no, I’m not kidding. Then we have a hormone shot (would I lie, and again, no I’m not) called O-shot—only … $5ooo. But wait, we have more—as if you ever doubted me—a vibrator made by Afterglow for $250, no wonder they call it afterglow.

But what I’m really after is the acne treatment they get from Coral Active, a $50 value yours, for only—FREE!

No wonder they call these … “Swag Bags” if I received one of these bags for losing—street value a paltry $165,000—I’d be walking with swagger too!

Luxury camping trips, gold bikes, luxury train rides, a 3 day stay at a luxury resort in Tuscany, I mean, this is just the tip of the luxury you find when you go digging into one of these little bags. Digging through my wife’s purse should be so much fun—its Christmas!

For crying out loud movie studios, “Stop campaigning to win—you dummies—start your film campaign’s with a goal towards losing.”

Then when you get angry after being defeated, you’ll throw out the leftovers from the bag’s, and then after doing a little dumpster diving, I can turn around and sell those LUXURY items for a tidy profit on eBay. “Hooray for Hollywood!”

Have You Remembered What Day Tomorrow Is?

Tomorrow is that very special day. That holiday where people we love are singled out. Yep you guessed it… “Singles Awareness Day.”

What are the odds that “Valentine’s Day” would fall on the same day?

Now I know what your thinking, your thinking…I’ve never… I’ve never heard of… well… I’ve never heard of anyone forgetting to celebrate “Singles Awareness Day” have you?

Well singles certainly haven’t.

Of course “Valentine’s Day” always gets the lions share of the attention on February 14th, but that’s only because some little curly haired kid with wings has a bow and arrow to shoot people in the ass with. And who gives a child that age a bow and arrow, and a name like, “Cupid,” to fly around doing stuff like that?

And by the way, I dare you to find a baby book with the name “Cupid” in it as a suggested name for a child.

“Singles Awareness Day” has never had to stoop to such low sensational tactics, say nothing of the bribery that goes on like buying candy, glittery cards, writing poetry or taking ones romantic other to dinner. And the reason for that, because singles don’t have significant others…so there.

Don’t be like that—singles don’t want your pity—they want your other… well sometimes.

And they’re not narcissistic either—well maybe a little love for themselves, and okay, in some cases full-blown self-infatuation—but on the whole, they are just like you and me. But not because they want to be—well maybe, occasionally.

“Singles Awareness Day” is all about the joy of not having to be committed to no one else but yourself.

Or until George Clooney gets divorced, or if your a guy… well, until George Clooney gets divorced! Well in the case of some guys I’m sure that’s true.

Singles also celebrate not having to share everything. Things like money, a bank account, money, a house, MONEY, and then children.

Unless of course they’ve had a rough week with their children, in which case they’d turn over complete custody in a heartbeat to their now, less-than-significant other, and then leave the country.

On this day singles celebrate being able to watch any program they want without compromise. They relish going to see a movie they want to see without having to flip a coin to decide on, “The Notebook” or “Predator.”

Singles on this day say, “I’m buying that dress, because no one here is gonna tell me I can’t afford it.”

And another single somewhere else will say, “I’m buying season tickets for my favorite sports team, and you can’t tell me I can’t afford it—even though I can’t afford it. After which he will sleep on his friend Jim’s couch, or a park bench.”

So remember friends, this Saturday February 14th there are two holidays, and ah one—”50 Shades of Grey.”

It’s All About The Benjamins

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Well that explains that, now I know why I feel the way I do about my empty wallet. I miss my money, but nobody else does—because they have it all.

“Money is the root of all evil.” And who do you suppose started that ugly rumor? What do you wanna bet some numismatist felt his collection was incomplete. Forget I mentioned the bet, I can’t afford the wager.

“Brother can you spare a dime?” I can’t ask that question of any of my brothers. They would just race for their piggy-banks. Pennies they have, silver they don’t.

“Pennies from heaven.” Not much use for pennies up there, that might explain why we always find pennies on the ground down here, instead of stacks of cash. I’m storing that suggestion in the cloud, hopefully god takes that under advisement.

“A penny saved is a penny earned.” No wonder our savings account accrues so little interest.

“Another day, another dollar.” As good a reason as any for why we have to raise the minimum wage.

“Learn the value of a dollar.” With a global economy, parents are asking for the value of the Euro, Pound, and Yen as well.

“Don’t let money burn a hole in your pocket.” It doesn’t, as what little pocket change I did have fell through that hole because my trousers are a bit worn. Gee, I thought those Levis would give me at least another ten years.

“Cash or credit?” That’s a loaded question, what with cash being in short supply, most people are forced to use credit cards. Or at least … they try to use them.

Great news! Your credit line has just been extended. That is good news, given your cards were nearly maxed out.

Bad news … your identity has been stolen, and someone applied for credit cards with your name. Now the credit agencies want their money back. Guess who?

On the way out of the store you pass a Salvation Army station. Wracked with guilt you fumble around for something to give. You discover a buck in one of your coat pockets. Upon leaving you whisper, “Please hold onto that for me, I may be back for it.”

It is at this point you decide to ask your family if they might not advance you a small loan? They decide they might not. You launch into a tirade about the economy. They respond, “Write your congressman.”

You reply, “I would, but I can’t afford the postage.”