BEWARE: Of Having Adoring Eyes

Laughing GIF

Are you the proud owner of a wife, husband, or significant other? Well I am—although, my significant other just reminded me that I don’t own her.

“Well you don’t! No one owns anybody.”

I know that! Can I finish writing this post now, dear?

‘I don’t know… can you?”

Well, if you wouldn’t interrupt me.

“Go ahead, write, don’t let me stop you.”

Thank you. I was just trying to say that I adore my significant other—that would be you, dear. Just as I am sure my readers adore their own (ON LOAN) significant others. And I wanted to write to confess that on occasions I get caught ogiling you.

“Like the other night at the party, when my back was turned and you were undressing me with your eyes?”

OKAY, OKAY, SO I’M GUILTY! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT? NOW, CAN I FINISH MY POST?

“You’re typing aren’t you?”

Yes. AFTER ALL, IT IS MY BLOG NOT YOURS. Don’t you hate it when your wife wants to edit your posts? Anyway, so where was I? Oh, yeah, yeah the ogiling part. So there I was, staring at her legs, when all of a sudden, she turns around and…

“And you got caught looking like a dear between the headlights!”

CAN I PLEASE FINISH?

“Go ahead, far be it from me to interrupt you.”

So then she say’s to me “What… what is it? Do I have a tear in my stockings?”

And I responded with something like “Uh… uh… I don’t know… I guess I just can’t stop staring at you. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!”

“Well stop staring at me!” she said, but in a LOUD whisper “You’re making me feel like a piece of meat.”

BOING!

The SuperHeroHype

Suddenly, there I was, feeling as if I’d just been reduced into this blithering idiot. Naturally, I started babbling in tongues.

“Incoherently, I might add.”

AHEM.. But if you remember, dear,  I did say that I didn’t actually SEE you as a piece of meat… but one with brains too!

“That’s it, that’s it, that’s what you said!”

What? What did I say?

“That I had brains too!”

Well you do, don’t you?

“Yeah, but it’s how you said it!”

Anyway, in a millisecond she goes from this demure beauty into this incredulous looking beauty, cocking her head to one side, dawning a quizzical look, mouth agape, and responding with…

“Huh?”

That’s when this six foot hole magically opened up underneath me (and I can’t be sure yet, but I think I was SHOVED into it too), AND WITHOUT LILLIES TO COMPLETE MY ENSEMBLE!

“Well you deserved it.”

I DID NOT!

“YOU DID TOO. Looking at me from behind… with goo-goo eyes no less.”

Well, I don’t think I was deserving of being ditched, as it were—I mean what man does? All I was trying to do was be your would be Lothario, when suddenly, I was turned into this corpse!

“MEN… you’re all alike. Filthy lustful beasts.”

Not true. When we first met… I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOUR MIND!”

“Was it walking around in stockings and a pair of heels too?”

OKAY, OKAY! Gee, you act like we men are transparent or something. Oh I admit I was initially attracted to your “PHYSICAL BEAUTY” but I also fell in love with the way you think too—except for maybe right now. You have to admit, though, that unlike most young male troglodytes of today, I’ve also evolved into…

“AN OLDER MALE TROGLODYTE?”

No… I was going to say, HUSBAND!

“I know.”

Well then… can I finish my thought?

“Sure, go ahead.”

I was just wanting to say that I’ve never lost my fascination with your MIND, or your effeminate nature… and I LOVE YOU! There… whad’ya think now of my post?

“STOP STARING AT ME FROM BEHIND!”

Oh for goodness sakes, I MEAN I’M TRYING!

“Yes, you certainly are.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Have You Remembered What Day Tomorrow Is?

lov me

Tomorrow is that very special day. That holiday where people we love are singled out. Yep you guessed it… “Singles Awareness Day.”

What are the odds that “Valentine’s Day” would fall on the same day?

Now I know what your thinking, your thinking…I’ve never… I’ve never heard of… well… I’ve never heard of anyone forgetting to celebrate “Singles Awareness Day” have you?

Well singles certainly haven’t.

Of course “Valentine’s Day” always gets the lions share of the attention on February 14th, but that’s only because some little curly haired kid with wings has a bow and arrow to shoot people in the ass with. And who gives a child that age a bow and arrow, and a name like, “Cupid,” to fly around doing stuff like that?stupid cupid

And by the way, I dare you to find a baby book with the name “Cupid” in it as a suggested name for a child.

“Singles Awareness Day” has never had to stoop to such low sensational tactics, say nothing of the bribery that goes on like buying candy, glittery cards, writing poetry or taking ones romantic other to dinner. And the reason for that, because singles don’t have significant others…so there.

Don’t be like that—singles don’t want your pity—they want your other… well sometimes.

And they’re not narcissistic either—well maybe a little love for themselves, and okay, in some cases full-blown self-infatuation—but on the whole, they are just like you and me. But not because they want to be—well maybe, occasionally.

“Singles Awareness Day” is all about the joy of not having to be committed to no one else but yourself.

Or until George Clooney gets divorced, or if your a guy… well, until George Clooney gets divorced! Well in the case of some guys I’m sure that’s true.

Singles also celebrate not having to share everything. Things like money, a bank account, money, a house, MONEY, and then children.

Unless of course they’ve had a rough week with their children, in which case they’d turn over complete custody in a heartbeat to their now, less-than-significant other, and then leave the country.

On this day singles celebrate being able to watch any program they want without compromise. They relish going to see a movie they want to see without having to flip a coin to decide on, “The Notebook” or “Predator.”

Singles on this day say, “I’m buying that dress, because no one here is gonna tell me I can’t afford it.”

And another single somewhere else will say, “I’m buying season tickets for my favorite sports team, and you can’t tell me I can’t afford it—even though I can’t afford it. After which he will sleep on his friend Jim’s couch, or a park bench.”

So remember friends, this Saturday February 14th there are two holidays, and ah one—”50 Shades of Grey.”