BOO… HOO?

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Monday October 31 had been a very long day. The doctor was locking up, but as he turned to switch off the lights he detected a Ghoulish presence in the room. No, not me, another ghastly figure. One wearing nothing more than a torn and tattered cloak.

I myself own a $9.99 windbreaker from Walmart.

“Can I help you?” the doctor asked. “No, I’m beyond help.” replied a depressed voice from the dark.

“Surely it’s not that bad.” replied the doctor to the voice. Gradually, the entity came into view. He set his scythe in the corner and began to pace (well… float actually) back and forth across the room. His head remained bowed as his bony fingers twitched. A deeply troubled soul.

“Would you have a seat or perhaps you’d like to lay on the sofa?” The psychiatrist asked.

“Lying on the sofa will do, thank you.” the Reaper replied “You see, in my line of work it’s usually the other away around.”

“Oh I see.” said the doctor knowingly.

“Do you really?” asked the Grim Reaper.”You have no idea what a joy it is to hear you say that doctor. It’s a terrible cross I bear. I run an unlicensed escort service, where all I do is collect souls day and night.”

“I can’t imagine.” said the doctor.

“Perhaps that’s because you have a license doctor. Hee, hee, hee” quipped Death. Then Death continued…

“Another thing doctor, I have no say in the matter either, I just go where he tells me when HE tells me. Ever try waking the dead doctor?”

The doctor shook his head no.

“Well just try waking up a teenager for school sometime. Same difference.”

“What about the working conditions, are they bad?” asked the doctor.

Pumpkin-Bumpker

“The worst.” replied the wraith “I have to work in all kinds of weather, and with only this ridiculous robe for protection. Because, and I’m quoting—it’s expected of me!”

“I roam cold damp cemetery’s… usually in the dark. It’s amazing I haven’t caught my death of cold already, and me with no healthcare!  The post office has nothing on me let me tell ya doctor.”

“How DO you do it?” the good doctor asked.

“Well you see, I fly… all the time. Fly all over the world. 24/7/365 days a year… no days off! Every time I step into an airport I attract the attention of the TSA. Being on time for a cadaver collection has become nearly impossible for me. So… I’ve put the TSA on borrowed time. And further more… ”

“Speaking of borrowed time Mr. Death, we’re on it right now. I’m afraid I’ll have to schedule you for another day. I’ll have my secretary set you up with another appointment. Shall we say… next Halloween?”

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“I Got A Rock!”

And this is it!

Oh, this is just great. Here it is, Halloween, and our youngest son told us he was in need of a new costume for going out to Trick or Treat tonight.

Wasn’t the Scream costume we bought him five years ago, good enough? At the time, he begged for it—on his hands and knees while clutching my leg as I left the store—it WAS top of the line then. It’s only been five years… surely it’s top of the line now, I thought.

I mean I’ve been to the local Halloween Spirit store, and there are tons of plastic faced Frankenstein, Werewolf, and Dracula costumes hanging there from the 1940’s—all just under $9.95. Obviously, still as popular today as they were 75 years ago—why else would they still be hanging around?

So, SCREAM, must still be a scream after only five years…right?

But, that was not the worst of it… oh no. He further informed us that the neighborhood kids deliberately started avoiding our house on Halloween, not because it looked so scary—even though I did put a small fortune and many hour’s of work into making it look EXPENSIVELY spooky—just ask my protesting wife!

No, he said, instead, they are avoiding our house annually because we only hand out a piece of fruit and one piece of candy per Trick or Treater. He then mentioned how the kids all claim that the candy we give out is always the assorted Jolly Rancher kind.

Well, I can’t deny it, they are the best—smallest candy you can buy, that’s cheap!

Also, he mumbled something about how the kids pointed out that we always make sure to tuck into their trick or treat bags, a cost assessment breakdown of every bag of candy we buy for them.

This, along with an explanation that because of the increased cost in candy, we’ve had to cut back on our Halloween candy handouts. Can’t have ill-informed marauding Trick or Treaters now, can we?

After all, while the kids count their candy, we parents have to count the cost.

But now my son has warned us that the little urchins are planning an attack on our house—so devastating—that it would put to shame, any house teepeeing, rotten egg tossing, splattered window fiasco’s, they’ve ever done in the past.

And, that it involves the launching of a rock… the size of an asteroid, with the face of a skull no less!

And he said that they told him, that the only thing that could save us; would be if we bought him the best Halloween costume of his choice. And also, forking over the best candy money can buy when they show up at our door on October 31st.

Naturally, being nobody’s fool, I required proof of such a threat.

He produced the picture above. I asked him, “What’s this?” He told me it was the proof I demanded. When I told him I’d need more than just a picture, he said, “Call NASA and ask them if I doubt that a giant skull faced Rock is heading our way on Halloween?”

Naturally, I scoffed at him and called, NASA. Well, as it turns out; he telling the truth!

NASA, confirmed that there is an asteroid size rock hurdling our way for tonight, and that it does have a skull shaped face.

Of course, I immediately broke down and went out and bought my youngest son a new super deluxe Ironman suit, complete with all the fire power he could possibly need to defend our home against marauding ghouls and goblins—and big skull shaped rocks.

Plus, just in case trick or treat attackers were to get by him while he was out trick or treating, I took the added precaution of shelling out thousands of dollars for hundreds of boxes of See’s candies to hand out. You know, just in case.

After all, the last thing you’d ever want to say on Halloween is—wait for it—”I GOT A ROCK.”

The More Things Stay The Same, The More They Change

Have you noticed, ‘The more things change, the more they stay the same.’ And yet, the more things stay the same, the more they change.

We are creatures of habit. We love familiarity. Then there’s that guy on the subway who is always trying to squeeze into a seat next to an attractive woman. I’d say that’s trying to get a bit too familiar. But, I’m talking about the kind of familiar regarding things we’ve come to expect. Things happening in their own appointed time, yet with unwanted progress.

Sure, we say we want to make progress, and yes we do want to make progress… just not at the expense of our comfort zone. Were comfortable with the idea of familiarity. Sometimes, there’s something cozy about having regular patterns.

Take for instance: Holidays always occurring at the same time every year. Baseball’s arrival to assure us winter will end. Football season ushering in autumn and the holidays, and basketball and hockey season to remind us to avoid going outside, or we’ll freeze our tuchus off.

Then there’s the blockbuster movies in summer, Oscar worthy films in the fall, and holiday movies that bring families together for winter. We left spring to the movie studios, so they wouldn’t go bust. Scraping a few bucks together from their box-office bombs by way of the poor saps with money to burn.

You’ll note, that cooperate America and Congress have not let Hollywood fail—OR THE BANKS!

Now granted, we’re not comfortable with hurricane season, fire season, and the political season—Particularly political season… all those politicians, telling us how good they’ve been all year with their lame campaign ads. HEY—WE’ll TELL SANTA!—but we’ve come to accept, bad things happen to good people.

Most notably… the voter! 

But, despite all this familiar sameness, some have sought to distort the familiar…with progress.

For example: Christmas and Halloween now start… on the Fourth of July! Baseball used to end in early Fall, but now the World Series ends in time for Thanksgiving! And Basketball and hockey still run concurrent—ending in July, and starting again in August!

Blockbuster movies still arrive in summer, but summer is shorter—late May till the Fourth of July! The Fall release of Oscar worthy films (all two weeks) get a second Fall release—in late January, just in time for the Academy Awards! And corporate America and Congress are still burning through our money.

Well, some things never change. Our tax dollars at work—FOR THEM!

Hurricane season no longer see’s hurricanes named after women. But, we’ve never doubted men can be crazy too! Mother Nature is no longer the only one with a fire season, now arsonist have gone and extended it! And political season; well politicians still feel we the voter can’t get enough of a bad thing…

So, now they’re bashing each other all year round—AND AT OUR EXPENSE!

So you see; The more things stay the same, the more they change—like me, now I’m adding even more exclamation points!!!

The Trick Of Eating Treats—Filled With Halloween Woe

Imagine if you will; it’s just past midnight on Halloween and the little ghost and goblins have completely avoided your house again… for the umpteenth year. You start upstairs—candle in hand—munching on all those leftover sweets.

But, as you are about to drift off to sleep suddenly, A GHASTLY TALE OF WOE begins to emerge from the darkened shadows of your cluttered attic—yes, we’re talking about your mind… it’s alive… it’s Alive… IT’S  A-L-I-V-E! Too dramatic?

Alright, but lying there for centuries—just gathering dust—was this idea for a ghostly story, and now IT SEIZES upon your imagination. (achoo!)

Okay granted… perhaps your attic’s not all that old, gray, and dusty (like mine), but trust me it sounds creepier that way.

And guess what? As luck would have it—while I was rummaging about the cobwebs of my own cluttered attic—I just happened to stumble across such a manuscript.

Hmm, how do you suppose that got there—you wonder? Ahem.

Yes, I know. But, who else do you know goes stumbling about in the darker recesses of their own mind looking for ghost stories—with only a candle and a completely eaten bowl of candy? Exactly… so I don’t know why you’re so surprised?

Why did I stumble over it? Because its dark up there that’s why! No, I don’t remember why I was carrying a candle around inside my head instead of a flashlight, but that’s not important.

What is important, is the fact that I didn’t drop the candle. Because then… POOF! And up I’d go in spontaneous human combustion. I can just see myself trying to explain that to the coroner during the autopsy.  

Anyway, as I said, I found this tale of woe. Are you scared yet? Okay… well whatever you do… don’t move. I’ll be right back with the smelling salts.

Here, take a whiff… feel any better? Okay, well I’m sorry you’re scared of me and not my post. But, you’re laying there now, so you might as well hear the whole story.

From here on out it just gets weird.

Whad’ya mean it’s been pretty weird up to now? I told you, the weird part hasn’t come yet. Here, you better take another whiff of smelling salts… I don’t think you’re all there. Any improvement? No? Well, I don’t have any sleeping pills, and no… you’re not going to get out of this that easily.

So, do you remember Walt Disney’s, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow? Good, because this has nothing to do with it.

Unless; you can remember the end of the story with the voice of Bing Crosby (as the voice of Brom Bones) weaving a tale of terror concerning The Legend of Sleepy Hollow in song? Then you might want to sing along.

Shall we begin? Well too bad, were going to begin anyway…

You squirm in bed and hallucinate, about what’s in your closet when it gets late. Come about midnight the ghost and banshees, gather in their nighties and their bed time jammies. They’re not in costume, but they let out big cries, about the clothes in your closet and their humongous size.

They call you fat saying you’re not thin, and that you’re overly stretching out your skin! Ha, ha I’m telling you dude avoid the light, cause’ you won’t fit your costume come Halloween night.

Your costumes a tight fit on Halloween night! (ignore them… they’re just a ghostly chorus dressed up as sheep)

And when the girls have a jamma’ party on All Hollows Eve, they’ll all consume and eat lots of candy. Yeah ghost are bad but you’re the worst, especially if the headless horseman drives your hearse.

He drives a hearse on Halloween night??? (again… that’s just the ghostly chorus if you happen to be singing along) 

Now go a joggin’ across the land and drop those pounds off if you can. Then you’ll confront those demons and moan… I’M LOOKING IN THE MIRROR MY HOW I’VE GROWN!

Beware, be scared, its too late. You ate all the candy in exchange for weight! (clever chorus, huh?)

Yes the Horseman’s out for a spin… trying to see who he can drag in. Now don’t be like him and lose your head, stop eating so much before going to bed.

They say he’s tired of the whole lot, particularly those who eat lollipops. So he trick or treats one night a year, driving that hearse while striking fear.

He hates weight watchers and folks too thin, FOLLOWERS OF JENNY CRAIG who don’t food binge. Don’t try to hide if you pounds to shed, the Headless Horseman seeks a fat head.

(ALL TOGETHER CHORUS!)

So dip into your dip and chompity-chomp, keep on consuming all that soda pop. If you lose your figure not eating bran, it’s for you he comes—that headless man.

Now if your not one who’s in the know, take a tip from me, you were thinner one year ago. But you avoided the mirror and failed to look, and now my friend YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED!.

If you cross his hearse come round the bend, don’t pretend it’s not the end. It’s not a black and white but it’s cursed, with the headless horseman driving in first.

Now, while you eat your candies with delight, remember you’re in for quite a fright. You should keep a look out—and beware—the horseman comes for more than just hair.

(AGAIN, ALTOGETHER NOW GHOSTLY CHORUS)

So dip into your dip and chompity-chomp, keep on consuming all that soda pop. If you lose your figure not eating bran, it’s for you he comes—that   H-E-A-D-L-E-S-S   M-A-N! (and fade out)

“The Headless Horseman” was written by Don Rage and Gene De Paul for the film, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and performed by Bing Crosby and the Rythmaires. Not in this post of course, that would just be too weird-er.

I seriously doubt, however, that they would have ever wanted to take credit for my horrific spin on their Halloween masterpiece. But, I think November 1st is about to become a new getting in shape day.

BOO!