What’s In A Line? Me!

standing in line

whose line“Whose Line is it Anyway?” Mine, and I’m standing in it! Makes no difference where I go, there I am—in some line. Bet you’re like that too. Why, at this very minute—you yourself are ON line (yeah, its a line). And if your server was slow, you saw spinning wheels going round and round while you waited to get on.

Lines are everywhere, like the ones on our face; “Try Cindy Crawford’s new anti-aging skin cream “Meaningful Beauty,” or on TV, “What’s my Line?” and even waiting on line “Please wait for the next available representative, your call really matters to us” —that’s why we’ve put you on hold for the last 12 years!

Sometimes, we are already in a line only to be told; “The line starts over there buddy.”

And then there’s always the wise guy who say’s, “Don’t get out of line.” Only, I think he means it!

Lines at DisneylandAnd then there is Disneyland (even with a fast pass!), the Post Office (where everyone wonders why people go postal?), or waiting in lines to use a restroom at sporting events and concerts (and if you’re a woman, you entered that line maybe as an acne-faced teenager, but you left the restroom as someones grandmother). And that’s only if you made it to the restroom at all.

Why, you might even have tried to sneak into the men’s room. But forget sneaking; why not just boldly walk in as my wife did—she was that desperate folks!

Even at home you hear; “Will you hurry up and get out of the bathroom—and give someone else a chance!” As you prance around like you were practicing to be on “Dancing with the Stars.”

You know, it must have all started back in school.

The P.E. teacher would put us in a line and pick two people (usually two neanderthals) to choose sides for games. If you were like me (the scrawny kid) you were always the last in line to be picked…only you weren’t picked, you were… just left…and you didn’t have a name either.

“You, skinny kid, the one no one wants, get over here. But don’t think you’re gonna play, you’re not gonna hurt our chances to win. So we are putting you in right field, no one will ever hit anything to you there.” Then everybody proceeds to hit everything there—even you, after the game…because you made so many errors and thus; cost your team the game.

Time for lunch (yes another line) and the same neanderthal you were bequeathed to during P.E. class now cuts in front of you. And worse, he demands a dollar from you for the privileged to now be—last in line. You pay. Why? Because you like living…and apparently being the last in line.school lunch

200px-Edward_MontaguNow you finally make it into the school cafeteria (5 minutes before the ending bell), only to make it to the counter just as they run out of pizza (your favorite lunch at school). That leaves you in line to become the recipient of the original cold WET and SOGGY sandwich—its a leftover. No doubt it was tucked into the freezer way back in the 17th Century—and quite possibly by the Earl himself.

Drama class. Your moment comes, your up stage, its your big scene, the one you’ve rehearsed a billion times (a billion and one, if mom had anything to say about it), the spotlight hits you, and you freeze. Looking offstage, in a blind panic, you scream—”LINE PLEASE?”

that's hedleyChewing gum in lineAfter a rough week in school you’ve finally made it to the weekend. So you head off to the theater (with what few friends you have left) to see “Blazing Saddles” and there, Hedley Lamarr (Harvey Korman), says to a big guy standing in line, “Chewing gum in line…hope you brought enough for everybody?” Of course you didn’t.

Oh this is not going to end well.

But oh boy… you’re getting your drivers permit!

Well, you may have been fifteen when you got in the DMV line. However, when you leave, you are a little old gray haired man, hunched over a steering-wheel with everyone honking at you because—you are doing fifteen miles an hour…in the fast lane!slow car fast lane

Yes, you are that guy. Way to go fella you have created a back-up (another line) in the evening commute. All because you’ve spent sixty-years (in one day) at the DMV…in another LONG line. Nothing like being a new driver.

You hate lines, and you wanna get even for having spent a lifetime in them. But how?

Go shopping. “But Paul,” you say “that means one more line!”

Well try this then. When you get in the never ending check out line, pull out a folding chair and a bell. Whip out a book, and begin reading. Upon reaching the register, tap the bell (Ping!). Close the book and lay this line on the unsuspecting checker…

“I never dreamed I’d ever be able to start and finish “Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” while waiting in line at the grocery store. Thanks for proving me wrong.”