You Are Now Reading The Most Renowned Blog In The World

Laughing Gif

One of the benefits of occasionally vanishing from the WordPress blogroll is that I am often able to return stealthy and totally unnoticed. Probably because nobody knew where the hell I went in the first place. Not that any of you would miss anything, mind you. however.

However, recently upon my latest return I was gobsmacked to find that during my absense my blog “In My Cluttered Attic” was named “Most Popular Blog In The World” and by none other than “In My Cluttered Attic”!

Not bad for a blog whose last post was back on July 31st.

Now having one’s blog revered and accepted in over 532 lands is quite gratifying—if only it were true. However, although, I do have a blog revered in more than 193 or so countries—which sounds even less awesome—UNFORTUNATELY, IT TOO IS A LIE.

That’s why I’m just going stick to my initial claim of being revered and accepted in 532 lands, instead of 531, because Kim Jong Un of North Korea can’t see eye-to-eye with me on account of his being too short.

Besides, his puny blog is the pits anyway. Just ask anyone who’s read it? If you can find anyone who’s read it.

Neverheless, it’s truly amazing the number of folks—more than 7 billion strong now not counting my Uncle Ethel (not his real name… it’s really Mildred)—who wake up every day and race to their computers to bring up “In My Cluttered Attic” just so they can read what’s going on up in my head.

And some days they might even catch me in my RIGHT mind!

Naturally, this kind of (deceitful) fame might go straight to most people’s heads, but not me. No, in my case this kind of artificial immortality is customarily met at the entrance to my mind with an untidy mess—masquerading as unfiltered clutter between the ears.

Such is the medley of chaos that fills my cranium on a regular basis, thus preventing additional narcissism (like the above-mentioned bogus honor) from ever having a chance to enter my head.

That’s why I wrote this post. I mean, who better to sing my bodacious blog’s praises?

Of course, not being one to blow my own trumpet—seeing as I can’t play a single note on a trumpet that is, but just let me go near a kazoo AND YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR HEARING—I decided to spend the last three months searching the globe for people who might sing the praises of my blog for me.

However, how was I to know no one in this world could carry a tune?

And because of an irrational fear of flying (without the use of an airplane), and ticket prices being what they are—plus my not being under contract by Marvel to portray any kind of flying superhero—I wasalso  unable to make an around world trip.

That, and my wife ordered me not to set foot out of the house—with any of our credit cards.

So, armed with nothing but a wallet full of small bits of worthless paper, except for my official “Junior Birdman’s Astronaut Card” (sent to me from Battle Creek, Michigan back when I was five) I felt like I’d been permanently grounded.

Then something miraculous happened.

A flood of endorsements started arriving on my doorstep—and the mailman swore they better be emails from now on—or else this post about the worlds most popular blog “In My Cluttered Attic” might have gone kaput.

Why just look at some of the glowing testimonials that I’ve (ahem) received!

“Never have I read a greater pile of twaddle than what I regularly find posted in ‘In My Cluttered Attic’ and I’ve been dead for nearly Two-Hundred and Fifty years! Signed: Ben Franklin

Twaddle, that’s a good thing, right?

Then there’s this little gem.

PinsDaddy

“Children of the night, take a bite out of ‘In My Cluttered Attic’ and you’ll see the light.” Your Friend: Count Dracula

How bout that… a real live count!

Of course, ordinary folks have written to me too.

“Hi, Mr. Attic, its John Smith. Read you all the time. Anyway, I was just wondering if you’ve found time yet to write that request for an extension we talked about?

You know the one, it was in regards to that discussion we had concerning your failure to pay any taxes.” Yours: John Smith, IRS

Whoops, how in the world did that get in there? Excuse me will you? I think maybe I need to go focus on a little “Dear John” post.

 

 

 

 

 

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“I Got A Rock!”

And this is it!

And this is it!

Oh, this is just great. Here it is, Halloween, and our youngest son told us he was in need of a new costume for going out to Trick or Treat tonight.

screamWasn’t the Scream costume we bought him five years ago, good enough? At the time, he begged for it—on his hands and knees while clutching my leg as I left the store—it WAS top of the line then. It’s only been five years… surely it’s top of the line now, I thought.

spiritI mean I’ve been to the local Halloween Spirit store, and there are tons of plastic faced Frankenstein, Werewolf, and Dracula costumes hanging there from the 1940’s—all just under $9.95. Obviously, still as popular today as they were 75 years ago—why else would they still be hanging around?

So, SCREAM, must still be a scream after only five years…right?

But, that was not the worst of it… oh no. He further informed us that the neighborhood kids deliberately started avoiding our house on Halloween, not because it looked so scary—even though I did put a small fortune and many hour’s of work into making it look EXPENSIVELY spooky—just ask my protesting wife!

No, he said, instead, they are avoiding our house annually because we only hand out a piece of fruit and one piece of candy per Trick or Treater. He then mentioned how the kids all claim that the candy we give out is always the assorted Jolly Rancher kind.

Well, I can’t deny it, they are the best—smallest candy you can buy, that’s cheap!

Also, he mumbled something about how the kids pointed out that we always make sure to tuck into their trick or treat bags, a cost assessment breakdown of every bag of candy we buy for them.

This, along with an explanation that because of the increased cost in candy, we’ve had to cut back on our Halloween candy handouts. Can’t have ill-informed marauding Trick or Treaters now, can we? trick or treat

After all, while the kids count their candy, we parents have to count the cost.

But now my son has warned us that the little urchins are planning an attack on our house—so devastating—that it would put to shame, any house teepeeing, rotten egg tossing, splattered window fiasco’s, they’ve ever done in the past.

And, that it involves the launching of a rock… the size of an asteroid, with the face of a skull no less!

And he said that they told him, that the only thing that could save us; would be if we bought him the best Halloween costume of his choice. And also, forking over the best candy money can buy when they show up at our door on October 31st.

Naturally, being nobody’s fool, I required proof of such a threat.

He produced the picture above. I asked him, “What’s this?” He told me it was the proof I demanded. When I told him I’d need more than just a picture, he said, “Call NASA and ask them if I doubt that a giant skull faced Rock is heading our way on Halloween?”

Naturally, I scoffed at him and called, NASA. Well, as it turns out; he telling the truth!

NASA, confirmed that there is an asteroid size rock hurdling our way for tonight, and that it does have a skull shaped face.

Of course, I immediately broke down and went out and bought my youngest son a new super deluxe Ironman suit, complete with all the fire power he could possibly need to defend our home against marauding ghouls and goblins—and big skull shaped rocks.

Plus, just in case trick or treat attackers were to get by him while he was out trick or treating, I took the added precaution of shelling out thousands of dollars for hundreds of boxes of See’s candies to hand out. You know, just in case.

After all, the last thing you’d ever want to say on Halloween is—wait for it—”I GOT A ROCK.”