Need Vs Want

Imgur

Imgur

Have you ever noticed how we never really get what we want, only what we need? We’re always left wanting something better. It’s like our current presidential election.

Here we’ve been given a couple of candidates from our two largest party’s (as if any other party stood a chance of ever getting noticed) from which to choose a president…

AND STILL WE WANT SOMEONE BETTER!

You would think that in a country as big as ours, there would be a much better pool of candidates from which to choose, right?

Is it too much to ask for a candidate who looks similar to (you can fill in the blank, since beauty is in the eye of the beholder), but who also has the brains of an Albert Einstein or a Judit Polgar.

I fear we’ve become like those women in the television commercials from some years ago.

Remember? They’d receive this beautiful watch as a loving gift, and then proceed to express disappointment by saying, “Well yes it’s a great watch (NOT), but what I really wanted was a Longines.”

What? You mean the Christian Dior is not good enough for you?

Only, we’re not getting anything quite the caliber of a Christian Dior here—no, not for this election. Maybe a watch you’d find in a box of Rice Krispies, perhaps. But a Citizen Eco-Drive?

Uh… no.

You see, it’s just not good enough to NEED something anymore, when what we really WANT… is something better.

Take for example: wanting a new car. But not just any car… a brand new Maserati! (Whaddya say, honey?)

Or let’s say your wife has recently told you that your nuts and need a new brain. Hey, what a coincidence! Anyway, you contact Princeton and inquire about purchasing Einstein’s.

A new washer and dryer? Sure, but can it come with someone who’ll do my stinky laundry too—and for free! Admit it, who wouldn’t want a million dollars? But then again, a billion dollars sounds even better.

Yes, I’d like to look like a Greek god, but I guess I’ll just have to settle for looking like George Clooney, instead. (Hey, why all the laughter?)

And think back to that Christmas morning when we were all kids. There our gifts sat under the tree. We couldn’t wait to tear through all the wrapping paper for that one toy that we’d yearned for all year long. Only to unwrap it and find… we gotten clothes, instead.

You thought to yourself: Is this somebody’s idea of a bad joke?

And that’s just like this presidential election. Here we are stuck having to choose between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Dan of the Day

Are you kidding me? Please say it ain’t so?

See, what we really want (demand actually) is another choice for president. Surely there must be someone else from which to choose? Someone stable and not prone to speaking without thinking first. Someone who is honest and upright.

A politician? Ha, ha, ha! Yeah right. (dripping with sarcasm)

Come to think about it, though, maybe all those women wanting a Longines for Christmas wasn’t all that selfish a desire, after all.

Not when you put it in the context of what we’re all about to wind up with for a president come this January.

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Trump: The Political Playbook

“The Donald” how does he do it? Does he have some super secret blueprint for running a winning political campaign? Well not anymore!

Why you ask? Because a crack SUPER spy from, “In My Cluttered Attic” (posing as Donald Trump’s hair stylist) was able to lift his book of secrets right from within Mr. Trumps hair…while doing his usual crack styling job.

spyversusspy.wikia.com

spyversusspy.wikia.com

The Washington Post and New York Times both offered us a substantial amount of money for the story, but we refused the offer. We knew there were millions more to be made by offering the story to our readers first.

So here, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, is the confidential material—sequestered away under Donald Trump’s scalp—revealing how he’s wrestled control away from the Republican Party’s elite. A book so secret “The Donald” himself didn’t have time to name it. So we’ve done that for him. We call this little treasure…

Trump: The Political Playbook.

First, you must learn to be yourself. Act outlandish and draw attention to yourself by hurling insults (we think he’s a natural at this). This will help you standout from the millions of other Republicans running. You can also call them liars. They will all look bewildered at you—not knowing who you mean—since they’re all guilty of lying themselves.

That’s what all politicians do.

And whatever you do, make sure you avoid discussing real political issues. If (ha!) political issues should be brought up in a debate, immediately change the subject to your opponent. Accuse your opponent of something stupid, and then say something even more stupid yourself! But be sure to do this in an entertaining way.

These days it’s called…politics.

Also, know your audience. In a revolution, you must appeal to the poor and uneducated. You will probably have to spell this out for them, as they may not know that they are the poor and uneducated. So remind them of this by saying, “I love the poor and uneducated.”—that should remove all doubt.

*Note: The actual quote from Donald Trump was, “I love the poorly educated!” Now I was called out on this particular point, and rightly so. So, although this will probably come as a blow to the poor and uneducated folks (not being enveloped in “The Donald’s” embrace of love), I suspect this will at least come as a relief to the poorly educated.—

And if there are some who are revolting (hee, hee) within your party, take over and lead them. That way, no one will see you coming. and you can use it to your advantage. Be as outrageous as possible—I know it’s hard for you, but try. Oh, and tell them, “Your fired!” as each one drops out of the race.

Think of the free publicity that would generate; Hey, it worked on The Apprentice!

In addition, you might adopt a look that draws attention to yourself, separating you from the other yahoos in your party. This means (trying to be subtle here), that nothing (I mean nothing) says sexy like whatever it is that you’re wearing on your head? NOTHING!

Oh well… we tried.

Also, make sure to accuse a candidate from the other party (yeah, there’s two) of infiltrating your people, and trying to sabotage your campaign. Suggest that many of your revolutionaries are his young revolutionaries come to join you. That he can’t afford to compete with the kind of publicity your money can buy.

ricochet.com

ricochet.com

This next part is very important; be sure to flip-flop… A LOT!

Not only does it keep your opponents guessing and off balance, it also confuses the hell out of the media—and the public in general!

When in doubt…step on Little Marco. He knows how to flip-flop for you. What’s that? He’s gone already! Well, there’s always Ted Cruz and that other guy—what’s his name?

Never miss a chance to point out how rich you are, and that this makes it possible for you to say, do, or build anything you want—MAYBE EVEN A GIANT WALL! This will come as no surprise to most Americans, as they already have a wall between them and their representatives…

Called lobbyist, corporations, and private interest—so what’s another wall, right?

Remind them all that money is power and that you have more money than god—probably because he doesn’t use the stuff—but this will throw FEAR (something your party is an expert at) into the hearts of other countries. Oh, and be sure to use this fear against Muslims and Hispanics, too. Because you can.

Wait: some of them ARE Americans?

Oh well, that’s okay take the offensive. After all, the American people are already offended and fear their own congress—And your party runs it! Talk about an oxymoron—so this will be nothing new for them.

And lastly, turn around and throw all that money and power back in the face of the party of money and power—YEAH, YOUR OWN PARTY-THE DO NOTHING PARTY UNLESS IT BENEFITS THE RICH—and throw them a party!

Claim it as your own party and go do whatever it is you want with it, and tell them they can all go suck lemons.

WAIT A MINUTE!

There aren’t any secrets here. We’re still baffled about his appeal. We’ve been duped. Where is that crack spy of ours? Hey… don’t you know none of this stuff is top secret? It’s all public knowledge, you moron. Hope you have a resume because here’s your notice…

You’re Fired!!!

 

 

 

 

No Post Today And It Is Not Open To Debate

This being Friday and all—and the weekend being upon us—WordPress would probably like nothing better than for me to do a post. Someone in Timbuktu once said, “WordPress always benefits whenever ‘The Attic’ goes to post. That is in no way an outlandish statement—see, I am not a politician.

But, as I told WordPress, if Donald Trump refused to do a debate last night because Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly was going to be a moderator, then I couldn’t do a post today! No particular reason, I just like to do and say crazy things because it sets me apart from the rest of the crowd.

And I simply refuse to debate this issue with any fellow blogger, so there.

It’s not like I care for Fox News or Megyn Kelly—I’m more a CNN Erin Burnett kind of guy. No, this is all about not making a point of not having a point to make.

It just so happens that I believe it’s important to do something pointless whenever one is trying not to make a point at all.

Oh, and by the way, if WordPress really wants me to contribute a post to their platform today, they better cough up $5 million dollars to my favorite charity—ME! Talk is cheap, but writing cheap talk with real words is gonna cost me a lot of gray matter.

Also, I’m basically skipping out on today’s post because I think WordPress has been unfair to me of late. They’re always changing their platform around, thus making it more difficult for me to write nonsense like this, which has no bearing on the Presidential campaign, I might add—but I never subtract.

However, if they apologize, I might reconsider coming back and writing something more absurd than this.

So instead of showing up to do a post on WordPress, I’m just gonna go down to the Vets office. See, I want the veterinarian to donate to MY cause as well—the shots for my dog are costing me a mint!

Now I’ve not heard any of my rival blogger’s calling me a bimbo or anything like that. Or that I don’t write real good, or that I don’t make any sense—besides, my writing never makes any cents because I’m a poor sap writing at WordPress. However, I’m sure they’ll be lots of name calling after they get a load of this bull.

All I do know is, I’m the best unpaid writer at my blog, and I’m nobody’s apprentice!

Furthermore, I won’t resort to name calling of any kind—I’ll leave that to ‘The Donald.’ I can’t resort to name calling anyway, I don’t know anyone by name down at WordPress.

And as for any reader out there who might feel offended by my blathering on here? Well, all I’m going to say is; I’ll likely get more views and comments than any of you today.

Why you ask?

Because you’re all gonna be so ticked off at me when I tell you; I only wrote all of this crazy, shocking, controversial stuff as a way of drawing attention to my blog and myself.

You see, I don’t have weird hair like Donald Trump. That’s why I wrote a strange post, in order to stand out from the rest of today’s posts.

How else am I going to get attention if I’m not going to take this blogging thing seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Occupation: Stand-Up Politician

ows_143886812969349

So you say you want to go into political theater as a stand-up politician and make gobs of money, while messaging your humongous ego.

You could be forgiven for thinking comedy comes naturally to stand-up politicians, as opposed to stand-up comedians. I’ll not bother to mention that finding a stand-up politician is practically impossible to do.

Sure, some politicians have shown a real flair for stand-up…uh…fall down comedy. Note our gifted late President, Gerald R. Ford. You might say he was a natural.

Whether he was slipping on the stairs while exiting Air Force One, or falling on the slopes, his pratfalls looked accidental. But, what if those falls were no accident? What if he was a klutz by design?

Is it possible President Ford wasn’t clumsy at all, and that all those bumps, slips, and falls were well rehearsed pratfalls?

Someday, researchers may uncover that he actually studied under the likes of Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, and the great Charlie Chaplin.

Some have even suggested “Tricky Dick” Richard M. Nixon, never had to work at mugging it for the cameras. So what if the real truth came out, that he actually rehearsed morning, noon, and night in front of a bathroom mirror. Not so hard to believe, is it?

Maybe that could explain why he was able to say with such comic conviction, “I’m not a crook.” I guess he meant it when he said on the TV show “Laugh In, “Sock it to me” because the country sure did.

Some politicians had wit that seemed effortless. For example; Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy.

Abe Lincoln, once said of his famous opponent, Stephen Douglas, “his argument is about as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death.”

And President Kennedy, “They sank my boat.” to a little boy wanting to know how he became a war hero.

Yet, could it be both were blessed with wit and were the exception, not the rule?

Folks, let us not mix words—as that would require we put letters into a blender leading to an alphabet soup.

Politicians on the campaign trail have to work hard. Unlike elected government officials, who hardly work at all. Campaigning politicians at least have an excuse for not being prepared with solutions to the issues.

How come?

Because countless hours of preparation go into the practice of campaign rhetoric. In order to sell an strategically slung insult at an opponent, one has to sound smooth while doing it. This takes timing, proper facial expressions, and dumb luck if you’re a stand-up politician.

Hours of practicing their NATURAL god given wit—yeah whatever.

But, sometimes they pull it off, “Senator, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.” Lloyd Bentsen, devastating Dan Quayle in a 1988 debate.

And sometimes… they don’t, “You want me to go down there with a mop?” Gov. Chris Christie, responding to a woman who asked him why he was campaigning instead of surveying the snow damage in his state.

The stand-up politician has to be aware of his physical image too.

Be it Donald Trump, when it comes to his hair, or Chris Christie, when it comes to his weight. Maybe someone should tell Chris that the Grover Cleveland Alexander, William Howard Taft look is no longer in vogue, if it ever was.

Or what about Ted Cruz and his double chin. Could it be a triple chin? And what about Ben Carson and those droopy eyelids of his?

Still interested in going into stand-up politics? I didn’t think so. Stand-up comedy is much easier.

Besides, stand-up politicians are a great resource for mining laughs. Ask any stand-up comedian.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spontaneous Human Combustion And Other Mysterious Dark Arts

Burning Man Black Rock, Nevada

Burning Man Black Rock, Nevada

Let’s say you’re a semi-professional—don’t try this at home—humor blog writer. Your talent for milking belly laughs out of your readers is without question—despicable. And although its been a week since you last wrote a post, your readers understand—great material takes time.

In any case, they’ve always figured it would be light years before great material like that ever came from the likes of someone like you. Mind you, none of this has anything to do with me.

crowdBut let’s just say for the sake of argument, you were that hack, and imagine you had caught wind of a gathering of people (better than 60,000), and you knew that they were quickly descending on a place out in the middle of nowhere. You’d want to write a post about that, wouldn’t you? I mean, that would be big news, right?  city

Okay, you want more incredible? Well, how about they’re coming to see an event of Spontaneous Human Combustion, with the expectation of spending an entire week in a city… THAT DOESN’T EVEN EXIST!

How’s your curiosity now, huh?

Naturally, being a writer with higher standards, I dismissed the whole ridiculous fantasy as something you might hear coming out of the mouth of Kanye West at a MTV Video Music Awards show. Though I must confess, Kanye West sounds almost as convincing as Donald Trump.

folksBut the more I thought about it, I mean… the more the hack thought about it, the more intriguing the whole idea became to me, uh… him.

I, or rather…he, began to wonder, after all I’m nobody’s fool (except maybe my wife’s), could there truly be a hoard of torch carrying pyromaniacs—not seen since those make believe townsfolk chased Frankenstein’s monster off the old Universal Studio back lot—racing into the desert around the Black Rock area?

And could they really be bearing down on the playa north of Reno, Nevada with the intent to commit strange, odd, and curious looking art, not of this world? Well you have to admit, it kind of looks carnivaleotherworldly.

black rock cityAnd what if the ghostly Black Rock City, actually did materialize only to be wiped clean one week later by a desert sand storm, and vanish without a trace for a year—as legend says? Makes you wonder if the town council of this Brigadoon like city, isn’t involved in some sort of cover-up, doesn’t it?

And lastly, what about that chance to witness a real case of Spontaneous Human Combustion? Oh… that would be exciting! Uh… not for me of course, but for that hack. Yeah, the hack…he thought it would be exciting.  Burning-Man-Last-Day-Night (1003 of 1120)-2-X3

But, it was all not to be.

Yes my, I mean… the hack’s research, confirmed all of my, I mean his worst fears. Thus, should I,  or he, go to this years “Burning Man” event I, I mean… he, would not get to witness a real human torch spontaneously going up in flames all on his own. Gee what a gyp!

I mean, the hack thought it would be a gyp.

fireBut parish the thought, including the poor devil who might have volunteered to do the crazy stunt in the first place. Yep, no real “Burning Man.” Instead, they (the pyro’s) intend to construct and burn a human made completely out of wood.

Fortunately, Pinocchio declined the chance to be their Master of Ceremonies for this year, or any other year for that matter.

Imagine the ramifications if he hadn’t. You can’t tell me there wasn’t someone pulling a lot strings behind the scenes trying to keep that from happening.

The_Wicker_Man-350726674-largeThere’s not even a hint of the movie “The Wicker Man”  either. Neither version, although I’m sure that will come as a relief to actor Nicolas Cage, should he decide to attend.

And that’s not all the hack learned. He went so far as to find out that in the past, some artists have constructed animals out of wood, just so they would have an excuse to strike a match.

trojan_horseAll I can say is, I just hope the Greek contingent visiting this year’s “Burning Man” event know what they’re getting themselves into. I mean, I sure hope they haven’t built a Trojan Horse as their exhibit for this year.

Otherwise, beware Trojans asking… “Got a match?” burning

Playing Fast And Loose With The Facts

expert

These days, with all politicians throwing their hats into the ring in an attempt to become president, we’re likely to get an education on how to play fast and loose with the facts. But then again, politicians are experts at that sort of thing, and I’m only an amateur—or am I? politicians

So, would you like to hear my theory on playing it loose with the facts?

Well too bad, I have a few twisted examples before I can complete another ridiculous post. So sit down—please!

First of all, Mark Twain once said, “Get your facts first, than you can distort them as you please.”

For example; George Washington was the first president of the United States, that’s a fact—but he also had wooden teeth. Donald Trump is running for president of the United States, another fact—but he has SOMETHING on his head.

These are the facts, but I’m playing fast and loose with them.

How about a factoid? it’s not really a fact. In reality, it’s a word with an o-i-d added on. That’s verifiable, but a factoid is not.

For those in the know this won’t come as a big shock, but Disney World is not really a world—just a theme park. And, just try New York City, just try and prove to the world (any world) that you’re a Big Apple. You can’t—can you?

Bruce Jenner is not a complete woman—well not yet anyway.

Their might be giants, but it won’t be the San Francisco or New York Giants. Both are frauds! Here’s why—(Y).

Now that that silliness is out of the way here’s why I called both Giant teams, big fibbers.

Justin Maxwell who plays for the San Francisco Giants is only 6’5′ inches tall, and he’s their tallest player.

And Chris Canty and Matt McCants of the New York Giants are the tallest on their team, and each is only 6’7 inches tall. Hardly Giants among men, wouldn’t you say? So those Giants (both of them), aren’t really Giants at all! Oh, that’s a bonus fact. No charge… oh, and that’s a bonus, bonus fact!

full moonThe moon is full… even after its eight—I mean its ate. Well… you have to throw in a few random facts, right?

Bet you all knew that Pluto was considered a planet long before 1919. The International Astronomical Union (IAU) doesn’t think so though. They decided to declare Pluto a dwarf planet. No problem, the (IAU) hasn’t been around as long as Pluto—in fact only SINCE 1919.

So Mickey Mouse decided to name his dog, Pluto. Just let the (IAU) try and declare him one of the 7 dwarfs! They can’t, not in their power. Take that (IAU)!pluto

Elvis sightings are real—even if Mr. Presley is gone—that includes that short order cook at the Sahara.

Sgt. Joe Friday (Jack Webb) from “Dragnet” fame made a living saying “Just the facts mam” even to the men!

Okay, I made that last part up, but I couldn’t leave it at that, not with a cheap laugh still out there to be had. You know, I’m actually starting to feel more like an expert on this subject now.

Anyway, that’s my theory on playing fast and loose with the facts. Now you could appoint a fact finding committee to check them out, but please keep in mind what Albert Einstein once said…

albert“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”