Area 51… Is Not An Isolated Case

Secrets, unexplained and perplexing curiosities, those and more are what make a mystery. There seems to be less and less to explore; other than our own atmosphere full of UFO’s, and space itself.

But, there are still places on this planet that have us scratching our heads, and which still continue to leave us baffled for answers, like this blog sometimes, okay—all the time.

There are people who say that our oceans and deep lakes are the last great riddles on earth. For those who would take issue with that argument, we only need reference the Loch Ness Monster, and the Bermuda Triangle.

And if you feel there are no great enigmas left to conquer on land I need only offer you Big Foot, Roswell, and Area 51?

Speaking of which, the CIA (no, not the Culinary Institute of America… silly) the real CIA, those guys in the black suits and hats, who wear dark sunglasses, that CIA… well they seem to think that the Groom Lake Area, located well within the perimeters of Area 51, is perhaps the biggest place to be nervous about on earth!

Don’t you love it when the CIA is wrong about something?

Because you see, there is another spot, one close to most any man’s heart. A place where the relics of the past, present, and maybe even the future… are stored. Its called, his mind?

Ha, are you kidding! Any woman would tell you that that expanse is surely empty, and devoid of anything of value too.

Don’t you love it when women are wrong about something? But that’s one man’s fantasy for another day.

Yet, there is even more mysterious place to be more nervous about. This place could be a garage, a storage locker, or in my case—a closet.

And there seems to be this great urgency to get at what is inside this closet of mine that I like to call… Area 61, and by any means possible—and especially by my wife.

Could it be the sign I posted on its outer doors, stating—DANGER DO NOT ENTER that draws her attention?

There have even been some expeditions, mounted by a few of our more adventurous and inquisitive children, all in the hopes of exploring this great void that is beyond my double doors of doom… never to have returned.

Of course, this has saved us (my wife included) countless millions of dollars in school lunches, yearbooks, fundraisers for rolls of wrapping paper, and of course, school pictures—twice a year no less!

And yet, my wife’s insistence on getting into Area 61 still borders on obsessiveness similar to that Ufologist and their determination to unlock the secrets of that mysterious compound in the middle of the Nevada desert. I have tried to remind her of what happened to the cat when it got curious, to which she exclaimed…

“Yeah… it got lost in your closet, and never returned!” Okay, yes its true, but that’s only because our cat didn’t read the sign that said—DANGER DO NO ENTER!

I don’t know what any of them were hoping to find in my Area 61? Maybe some great lost civilization? But, is it my fault that group forgot to leave breadcrumbs?

I mean, it wasn’t as if I didn’t warn the great Minoan civilization about what might happen if the got into my H.G Wells original time machine (don’t ask, I found it at a garage sale and decided to use it to visit the Minoans. But, upon arriving back at my closet and exiting my time machine (one by one…it practically took all day to complete the exodus!) began wondering about in my closet, and became a lost civilization.

But, maybe my wife and kids were hoping they could find my cigar box full of rare baseball cards. It contains my T206 Honus Wagner baseball card (one of only 3 in existence), worth around $2.8 million. I think I left it attached to the spokes of my lime colored, banana seat, stingray bike… I know its in there somewhere.

Then again, they might have been after Spielberg’s stage prop of the Ark of the Covenant from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Ever since I borrowed it from Steven—and then promptly lost it in there—he’s been after my family to get it back for him. Doesn’t he think if I knew where it was… I’d go in and get it myself?

But then, I guess he knows I’m not that stupid. I often wonder what might happen if some idiot—lost in there—ever found it, and then tried to open it? Think of the mess… eww!

Besides, a person could get sucked into the black hole that is now my closet and never get out. That’s what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, you know. He didn’t go missing—he just got lost in there is all!

Dorothy’s Ruby Slippers, George Washington’s Wooden Teeth, one of the Moon Rocks. Yeah… those Moon Rocks—but I have the one with that Martian finger-print on it—NASA still hasn’t reported that one as missing, I wonder why?

They’re all in there though… somewhere, along with all the brains of Congress. I was doing this telepathy trick for them—the one I saw used on TV’s The Mentalist used by the character, Patrick Jane. Boy did that go bad. As soon as I realized what had happened, I chucked it into Area 61. Guess now we’ll have to elect a new Congress.

Oh, and then there’s this sock that came out of the washer the other day. Yep, I left the other one on the floor in my closet, and now its part of Area 61 too! 

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The Art Of Debunking, As Practiced By Sir Francis Citpeks

I recently returned (by way of Google Maps) from a trip to the International Debunking Institute located in The Vague in the Neverlands. That sounds so familiar.

Anyway, I went there to meet with Sir Francis Citpeks the obscure English scholar who decided Holland was not a good place to set up an institution for debunking. What I learned there is something I am thoroughly incapable of understanding.

Sir Francis revealed to me, through clairvoyance, that it’s all a parlor trick. So we can debunk that bit of psychic ability right off the bat.

Sir Francis is an expert in the field of debunking—coming from a long line of skeptics.

And to think; I thought I was in that line. Wow!

Completely off point: Isn’t Google Maps a great way to travel?

No TSA to deal with, no having to go wait for your luggage to be unloaded—or possibly lost. No having to rent a car. You also get to do a little sight seeing on the way to your destination too—provided you click on Google earth and not the map.

Think of it, all the sites without the rude natives—or having to spend any money!

It’s my understanding that Goggle is still working on the aroma, taste, and sound part of actively experiencing international travel.

Also, there is a rumor that they are currently in talks with the Brookstone store people to design a device which can do all of those things.

Oh, sorry world travelers, Sir Francis just informed me that he’s debunked that rumor too. How does he do it?

Being a true skeptic, Sir Francis was behind the debunking of many of the world’s great myths. For example, Big Foot. Did you know that Big Foot has feet that aren’t really big at all? Big Foots feet are actually only size five. Who would of thought it. Him and John Wayne, but at least it explains why they both walk funny.

Then there was his debunking of Area 51. You see it’s actually Area 53! Thanks to our postal service for keeping us informed.

UFO’s? Debunked, again by Sir Francis himself. Turns out they’re really unidentified flying Aliens, or UFA’s. Sir Francis says it’s all a matter of semantics, a field of study I know nothing about—apparently, neither does the U.S. Air Force.

And he tells me that the Loch Ness monster is really nothing more than a lake. Seems someone just added the word monster to it in order to attract more tourist. Oh those Scots, they’ll say all kinds of absurd stuff after a drink or two. Probably someone by the name of Nessie looking for a little attention.

However, Sir Francis cautions anyone wishing to debunk any claims he might make, to not look too closely at the spelling of his last name—thus, they become a skeptic themselves.

EEK! We’re Surrounded

We are being buzzed by UFO’s everyday. Why? First let me explain something.

If you swipe an xk823z  Model G Saucer Deluxe, capable of doing 15 yarflaps per hour from Graks, you’d best skedaddle faster than Bipnobs scooting past Tarmipplers.  So Qwauk and Zlonk did just that.

Qwauk and Zlonk have been committing larceny throughout the universe for centuries. Qwauk and Zlonk — long before Han, Luke, and Leia ever faced off with Darth Vador, who as it so happens decided to take out his anger on poor Emperor Palpatine by throwing him down the reactor shaft of the Death Star — have been in the habit of taking anything not nailed down since before the eclipse of the moon Pipnar.

Of course you all know that none of what was just said in that second paragraph ever really happened, except in the movies. On the other hand, Qwauk and Zlonk … they’re real — especially to those of you reading this post.

But back to my original question; Why are we being buzzed by UFO’s practically everyday?

Well, Nathan in the Netherlands, you probably haven’t seen them at all, because you’re smoking that funny stuff all the time anyway. So we can dismiss your accounts.

And no, its not because of the large consumption of alcohol or use of drugs on this planet — although I suspect that could explain more than half the sightings.

And to you, Pepe from El Salvador, who claimed to be abducted by aliens in order to avoid paying a gambling debt. Saying that you begged the aliens to cloud seed over your town to help end the drought there, just might have worked … had it not been for that flood that occurred — which wiped out all the crops. That was probably just bad luck though — at least for you.

But for the record — nobody in town (or anybody else for that matter) believes you now, especially your debtors. Nice try though Pepe.

Nope … the real reason for so many sightings is much simpler.

Qwauk and Zlonk  aroused the wrath of one Porter A. Blyth the 3rd. He (or it, if you’re insane enough to repeat … it) is the second cousin of Nith, who was the sister in-law of Dorthwick’s mother, once twice removed (by force) on her father’s side.

You may remember (before you read that last paragraph) that I did say Qwauk and Zlonk are known for taking anything not nailed down. And as you might have guessed — the xk823z Model G Saucer Deluxe, owned by the Graks — was not nailed down.

So naturally … they took it.

Well, every available Grak with a saucer cruiser capable of multiple yarflaps (average maximum speed per cruiser … 11 yarflaps per hour) lit out (on orders from the king) after them. But, how were Qwauk and Zlonk to know stealing a xk823z Model G Saucer Deluxe would stir up so much trouble — especially since they didn’t know that it was built specifically for the KIng of Graknopolis?

Anyway, now the Warlord King of Graktoplis (Porter A. Blyth, what a coincidence) is by chance …  one ill-tempered goonth — probably because of his name.

And he is packing one carnivorous pet called a Zookwacker, who can devour a whole herd of muddinglers in one snort!

I don’t think I have to tell how bad that can be for anyone hiding those two?

Coincidentally, Qwauk and Zlonk have left a trail a fittonat-wide, while fleeing through the universe at yarflap speed, in fact just missing the Hubble telescope, and leading every saucer through the Rebillgowatt quadrant and right to our little planet. They are all in our orbit at this very minute.

Basically, we’re surrounded!

But don’t panic. You wanted to know why you were seeing so many UFO’s floating around, right? Well there’s your answer. The saucers want to bring Qwauk and Zlonk back to Grak to face injustice.

Its not illegal to steal there.

If any of you happen to see these two renegades, please notify the Graks. You can do this by Emailing a message to …

tuboflardporterablyththe3rd@area51inthenevadadesert.

You might get a big piece of chocolate pie if you do … just before all of us get gobbled up by a pet Zookwacker named … Burp!