You’ve probably all heard of Merlin the great wizard who once tutored King Arthur of Camelot. But, did you know Merlin’s real name was actually, Marvin?
Marvin Popplebottom. From Hoboken, New Jersey.
He was a dishwasher in training there for many years—58 to be precise. But that was years ago—in the future.
And as big a story as that might be, it pales in comparison to how Merlin found himself in King Arthur’s court.
That ones a real doozy!
According to Wikileaks, it all started on Stardate 3364.12. Marvin came home having just finished watching the latest Rocky sequel down at the local cinema —— Rocky CVIII.
Walking in, he flipped on “60 Minutes” (a show that will run forever), just in time to catch the breaking news (is there any other kind theses days?) that ‘The Borg” had just launched a full-scale Thermonuclear attack on earth and all of its inhabitants.
Our planet’s imminent destruction was only moments away.
Now history (and Wikipedia) tell us that Merlin lived in reverse. In other words, he arrived in Camelot having come from the future. But how? Well, that calls for a little back-story.
Marvin (in need of some wheels), had recently gone down to the local CARFAX in search of a used motorized wheelchair — he was, and is, a senior citizen. The dealer escorted Marvin to the backlot where, sitting under a tarp, was this odd-looking machine.
The dealer — believing Marvin to be a real pigeon — immediately launched into his sales pitch telling Marvin that the vehicle before him was the last known prototype of H. G Wells Time Machine, and as luck would have it, he (the dealer) had been unable to sell it because, it came with no wheels — I have it on good authority that that’s extra on most time machines.
However, unbeknownst to the dealer, Marvin was an avid fan of H.G. Wells films, and so he instantly recognized the time machine as being the real deal, and went on to offer the dealer his last $84 dollars. All he had left in his pocket — remember he’s a dish washer.
Now with tax and licensing it came to a little under 87 dollars and 12 cents — $86.10 cents to be exact — in case you’re ever in the market for a used time machine.
So, Marvin went home and broke into his piggy bank returning to the dealership with the balance in hand.
Both men shook hands on the deal and the time machine was delivered to Marvin’s basement later that very afternoon where it sat … waiting for just the right moment to be given a try.
Well, upon hearing that The Borg were about to annihilate earth and all of its inhabitants — Marvin, having become a recent convert to the idea that one’s future might possibly lie in one’s past — felt that moment had arrived.
With only minutes to spare, Marvin raced down to the local courthouse, stood in line (one similar to the kind you find at the DMV), and had his name legally changed to, Merlin the Magician.
No one really knows why — not even this writer.
Then donning some vacation attire (as he was planning on leaving town), he quickly took a correspondance course in magic from the director of the Magic Castle — Neal Patrick Harris — before leaping into his time machine and pulling back the throttle only to be sent skidding into the past at breakneck speed.
Peeling rubber, as it were.
Not exactly what he was expecting, but still effectively escaping earth as it was being obliterated.
Just about the best $86.10 anyone ever spent.
Now traveling backwards in time, Marvin began to absorb all the accumulated knowlege of man, along with many of his advancements throughout the centuries.
For example; he learned what kind of berries and mushrooms not to eat by simply watching other dummies keel over and die after randomly sampling a few of the wrong kind — seems they them never bothered to consult with the Food and Drug Administration in advance to see if they were safe to eat.
He also discovered how two-ply toilet tissue always felt infinitly better to that of being squirted on the backside with water from a little fountain inside something called … a Bidet.
Naturally, this was just the sort of knowledge that helped put Merlin in good stead with King Arthur.
There was nothing Merlin couldn’t accomplish. Turn Arthur into animals to learn how they think? No problem. Better some other up and coming wizard in a duel? Done! Merlin could even wash dishes with just the wave of his wand. Not that he needed one, seeing as he already had 58 years of experience—show off.
Those living in the dark ages never stood a chance. Until, that fateful day and the incident with the convertible.
What convertible, you ask? The one Arthur’s next door neighbor, Sir Gwain, had sitting on his driveway.
A bright red Farrari Portofino with black leather interior, with lots of chrome. No one knows how or where he got it, but rumor had it that some mysterious lady (who happened to live in a Lake) might have had something to do with it.
In any event, Arthur wanted that car. But, being that it was already regestered to Sir Gwain (and not for sale) Arthur went to Merlin.
“Merlin” he said, “Merlin, make me a convertible like Sir Gwain’s.” To which, Merlin replied, “Horsefeathers!”
Arthur, outraged with Merlin, then asked “What do you mean saying horsefeathers to me? I’m the king!”
Merlin replied, “No sire, I was only saying that I was need horsefeathers to accomplish such a magical task. You know, for horsepower?”
So, the next day, Arthur returned with a few horsefeathers (in those days every horse came with them, standard) and Merlin launced into doing some kind of incantation, and … POOF!
Arthur became a convertible —complete with four wheel drive!
“What have you done to me?” exclaimed the king, now a bright red Farrari.
“I turned you into a convertible just like you asked.” replied the befuddled wizard.
Well, the next thing you know, Merlin was being hauled into King Arthur’s Court and put on trial for performing witchcraft — without a license.
Under cross examination Merlin lost it and forgetting himself (viewing the whole mess as a pit stop gone wrong) stood up and screamed that famous quote from the Disney film “The Sword in the Stone”…
“Well, blow me to Bermuda!” forgetting that there was no Bermuda anymore as the Borg had blown it up.
God only knows where Merlin wound up. But, at least Merlin could say, he had his day in court.
Uh … King Arthur’s Court.
And that’s how Merlin found himself in the court of King Arthur.
And if none of this is true … may I never post again!
Or, until I find another fabrication to write about — which lately has been taking me about … three to four months.
What can I say, this attic of mine is a cluttered mess these days. But, having possibly been here before, you probably already knew that, huh?