You’ve probably all heard of Merlin the great wizard who once tutored King Arthur of Camelot. But, did you know Merlin’s real name was actually, Marvin?
Marvin Popplebottom. From Hoboken, New Jersey.
He was a dishwasher in training there for many years—58 to be precise. But that was years ago—in the future.
And as big a story as that might be, it pales in comparison to how Merlin found himself in King Arthur’s court.
That ones a real doozy!
According to Wikileaks, it all started on Stardate 3364.12. Marvin came home having just finished watching the latest Rocky sequel down at the local cinema —— Rocky CVIII.
Walking in, he flipped on “60 Minutes” (a show that will run forever), just in time to catch the breaking news (is there any other kind theses days?) that ‘The Borg” had just launched a full-scale Thermonuclear attack on earth and all of its inhabitants.
Our planet’s imminent destruction was only moments away.
Now history (and Wikipedia) tell us that Merlin lived in reverse. In other words, he arrived in Camelot having come from the future. But how? Well, that calls for a little back-story.
Marvin (in need of some wheels), had recently gone down to the local CARFAX in search of a used motorized wheelchair — he was, and is, a senior citizen. The dealer escorted Marvin to the backlot where, sitting under a tarp, was this odd-looking machine.
The dealer — believing Marvin to be a real pigeon — immediately launched into his sales pitch telling Marvin that the vehicle before him was the last known prototype of H. G Wells Time Machine, and as luck would have it, he (the dealer) had been unable to sell it because, it came with no wheels — I have it on good authority that that’s extra on most time machines.
However, unbeknownst to the dealer, Marvin was an avid fan of H.G. Wells films, and so he instantly recognized the time machine as being the real deal, and went on to offer the dealer his last $84 dollars. All he had left in his pocket — remember he’s a dish washer.
Now with tax and licensing it came to a little under 87 dollars and 12 cents — $86.10 cents to be exact — in case you’re ever in the market for a used time machine.
So, Marvin went home and broke into his piggy bank returning to the dealership with the balance in hand.
Both men shook hands on the deal and the time machine was delivered to Marvin’s basement later that very afternoon where it sat … waiting for just the right moment to be given a try.
Well, upon hearing that The Borg were about to annihilate earth and all of its inhabitants — Marvin, having become a recent convert to the idea that one’s future might possibly lie in one’s past — felt that moment had arrived.
With only minutes to spare, Marvin raced down to the local courthouse, stood in line (one similar to the kind you find at the DMV), and had his name legally changed to, Merlin the Magician.
No one really knows why — not even this writer.
Then donning some vacation attire (as he was planning on leaving town), he quickly took a correspondance course in magic from the director of the Magic Castle — Neal Patrick Harris — before leaping into his time machine and pulling back the throttle only to be sent skidding into the past at breakneck speed.
Peeling rubber, as it were.
Not exactly what he was expecting, but still effectively escaping earth as it was being obliterated.
Just about the best $86.10 anyone ever spent.
Now traveling backwards in time, Marvin began to absorb all the accumulated knowlege of man, along with many of his advancements throughout the centuries.
For example; he learned what kind of berries and mushrooms not to eat by simply watching other dummies keel over and die after randomly sampling a few of the wrong kind — seems they them never bothered to consult with the Food and Drug Administration in advance to see if they were safe to eat.
He also discovered how two-ply toilet tissue always felt infinitly better to that of being squirted on the backside with water from a little fountain inside something called … a Bidet.
Naturally, this was just the sort of knowledge that helped put Merlin in good stead with King Arthur.
There was nothing Merlin couldn’t accomplish. Turn Arthur into animals to learn how they think? No problem. Better some other up and coming wizard in a duel? Done! Merlin could even wash dishes with just the wave of his wand. Not that he needed one, seeing as he already had 58 years of experience—show off.
Those living in the dark ages never stood a chance. Until, that fateful day and the incident with the convertible.
What convertible, you ask? The one Arthur’s next door neighbor, Sir Gwain, had sitting on his driveway.
A bright red Farrari Portofino with black leather interior, with lots of chrome. No one knows how or where he got it, but rumor had it that some mysterious lady (who happened to live in a Lake) might have had something to do with it.
In any event, Arthur wanted that car. But, being that it was already regestered to Sir Gwain (and not for sale) Arthur went to Merlin.
“Merlin” he said, “Merlin, make me a convertible like Sir Gwain’s.” To which, Merlin replied, “Horsefeathers!”
Arthur, outraged with Merlin, then asked “What do you mean saying horsefeathers to me? I’m the king!”
Merlin replied, “No sire, I was only saying that I was need horsefeathers to accomplish such a magical task. You know, for horsepower?”
So, the next day, Arthur returned with a few horsefeathers (in those days every horse came with them, standard) and Merlin launced into doing some kind of incantation, and … POOF!
Arthur became a convertible —complete with four wheel drive!
“What have you done to me?” exclaimed the king, now a bright red Farrari.
“I turned you into a convertible just like you asked.” replied the befuddled wizard.
Well, the next thing you know, Merlin was being hauled into King Arthur’s Court and put on trial for performing witchcraft — without a license.
Under cross examination Merlin lost it and forgetting himself (viewing the whole mess as a pit stop gone wrong) stood up and screamed that famous quote from the Disney film “The Sword in the Stone”…
“Well, blow me to Bermuda!” forgetting that there was no Bermuda anymore as the Borg had blown it up.
God only knows where Merlin wound up. But, at least Merlin could say, he had his day in court.
Uh … King Arthur’s Court.
And that’s how Merlin found himself in the court of King Arthur.
And if none of this is true … may I never post again!
Or, until I find another fabrication to write about — which lately has been taking me about … three to four months.
What can I say, this attic of mine is a cluttered mess these days. But, having possibly been here before, you probably already knew that, huh?
A story line waiting for production!
And a producer, a director, and some actors, but most of all … money. You know what they say, Kate — the suits and the studios? “Where’s your backing buddy?” The whole thing is based on a true story, too. Guess I’ll have to shop it around some more. I wonder if Disney is still in the movie business? 😀
Was about to say the same! LOL or at least a short film – perhaps for Cannes Film Festival? Very cult 😉
Ah, can’t wait until those Saturday midnight showings. Might be a real Rocky Horror Picture Show! Hey JoJo, how are ya? Hope you’re well? Gosh, it’s nice to see you! :O)
Wow, that’s really an American thing with Saturday midnight showings! I live in Lux and our latest showing is around 21h lol. But yeah, all good thanks – been a while, for sure! I have a habit of living life and forgetting to write it down, eek. Not great for a blogger haha. How’s you doing? And the family is well? 😀
Ah, we’re all doing well, and grateful to say that. I’m also quite delighted to see that you’re still out living life to the fullest as well, JoJo. As much as blogging is fun, enjoying life is much more important. So happy you’re doing well, and awfully good to reconnect with you again. :O)
Likewise my dear, likewise! I’m frankly just trying to keep the blog alive at the moment, rather than focusing on what really interests me in it… I really need to set up some sort of structure in my life, don’t I? Problem is, I’ve always been extremely organised with everything other than my life, haha #learning have a fantastic start to your week!
I know what you mean, JoJo. Hope you have a great week as well. :O)
Too bad he didn’t have a longer stay! I’m sure there were a lot more dishwashing duels to come.
He might even have had a shot at doing some of that china. If only Merlin hadn’t lost his temper — think of the pots and pans he could have scrubbed! 😀
I am shocked, SHOCKED I say, to find out that Merlin uses language such as “Horsefeathers.” You think you know someone… and then things like this happen…
Ally, I know, it came as a stunning revelation to me as well. I never saw Merlin being a fan of the Marx Brothers either! I mean, what other secrets might we find out about Merlin? That it wasn’t really Elmer Fudd who came up with the name, HARES to describe wasically wabbits … but Merlin! Only, I think Merlin spelled it as … HAIRS! Why it’s enough to make your head spin, isn’t it? 😀
LOL! That makes so much sense to me. All this time, I thought it was a fairy tale!
I know what you mean, Susie. At first, you might think it all sounded like a fractured fairy tale? Boy, truth, stranger than fiction, huh? Hey, wait a minute, that’s a pretty neat expression I just came up with! I wonder if it’s too late to copyright that one? 😀
Go for it!
Susie, you’re absolutely right, I’m going to get right on it. Now that I think about it, though, maybe I should get a copyleft instead as I’m not really right-handed — but left-handed. 😀
You need money for this production? Mr.’s Gold and Silver might be willing to listen…:)
George, that’s a terrific idea! I think I’ll get my wife up out of bed right now. It’s never too late to send one’s wife out into the cold night —even if it is pouring rain. With her arms open and her hands outstretched, Mr.Gold and Mr. Silver wouldn’t dare turn her away. Me? Sure. Her? No way! All I have to do now is figure out a way to convince her into squeezing through Spielberg’s front gate again —it’s electric you know. The last time I had her try that she was shocked to find out Steven wasn’t home! And for some reason, more than a little perturbed with me? Steven was shocked too, AND HE DIDN’T EVEN GO NEAR THE GATE. Go figure, right? 😀
Lol…you have such an understanding wife. I’m sure you can convince her to get out there again. Just make sure it’s a night where the California temps aren’t so chilly.
Nah, I think she lives for cold nights, George. Why just the other day she was complaining about too many covers. She says to me “How is it I’m always the one waking up with all the covers piled up on me in the mornings?” I have to admit it’s a mystery? 😀
I feel like you’re channeling Terry Pratchett!
Jay, I can’t believe I’ve never heard of Terry Pratchett! I now have a hell of a lot of reading to catch up on — the Discworld series. His spirit must have been channeling him subliminally — I missed my regular seance session last week. Just the same, his works sound like they’ll be a lot of fun to read. Thank you so much for introducing me to him and his works. ‘O)
I always loved Merlin, sorry, Marvin!
Yes indeed. Like you, Moody, I suspect poor Marvin has probably developed a bit of an inferiority complex having to live in the shadow of his alter-ego, Merlin. 😀
Haha I love your bio, it’s awesome
That is so very much appreciated. Thank you, Riyyayy. Most of my readers very seldom venture into that part of my attic. Perhaps if I didn’t use a cloaking device. In any event, I’m very grateful for your kind words and thank you for visiting my blog. :O)
Hilarious read. Thanks for sharing!
My pleasure. Thank you, Eric, and have a great weekend. :O)
So when do you start posting again? I miss your warped sense of humor. (Yes, it takes one to know one.)
LOL. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one suffering from that malady known as a warped sense of humor. I should probably confess that my brain has been operating on a more normal cycle of late (as my employers want the more normal weird humor rather than my leftover weird humor which tends to land in my blog), but then I might have to go to a confessional box and I’m not a practicing Catholic these days. However, that might partially explain why the more disruptive cells of my striatum medial prefrontal cortex have not been producing their usual defective hilarity for my blog of late—that and just neglecting my blog in general. This was a call to arms for me (or at least a call to my keyboard) and I’m gonna get right back to writing my leftovers straightaway. In truth, I’ve been working on another post (albeit, rather slowly) and I’m happy to hear I’ve been missed. Thank you, Mike. 😀
How are you?
Hope you are well.
Do well, thank you Lonely. Hope you’re having a great summer. :O)
Good to hear that.
Loving the summer. Thanks
Great screenplay pitch! Perfect for a “Sword in the Stone” sequel– or prequel 🙂
I can’t agree more, Lem—what with Disney remaking their animated features into CGI versions now. Now, if only there was some way I to get all those Disney suits attention? 😀
Hoboken? A star born in my home town, whoda thunk it?
Hey Paul, just stopped by to see how you’re doing. Wishing you and your family Happy Holidays!
That was very thoughtful. Thank you, Stephanie. Yes we did, we had a wonderful time, but I sincerely hope that you and your family also had a great holiday as well, and I truly hope 2020 brings you and yours good health, happiness, and great success. :O)
Hey Paul!!! It’s so very good to hear from you! My holidays were wonderful and so far 2020 is off to a great start. Happy New Year my friend!