Oh, oh have I got big confessions for you guys!
Now a lot of these humongous (but slightly exaggerated) confessions of mine are actually genuine admissions of truth—otherwise I’d have to be a downright liar.
That means, you can count on these revelations to be absolutely plausible—if not destined to soon be found on the cover of a grocery store tabloid.
For example: bet you didn’t know that chess-master Bobby Fischer’s REAL GAME was actually checkers?
I ran into Bobby (total strangers, and even friends, were allowed to call him by his first name) sitting at this table in a little shop in Raykjvak.
He was dressed in multiple layers of yak fur and an earmuff cap challenging all comers to a game of checkers.
I accepted his challenge and proceeded to checkmate his kings 42 consecutive times!
That’s when Bobby asked me if I’d rather play chess, instead?
I replied, “Why would I wanna do that when I just proved I can checkmate your kings in checkers?”
I heard later Bobby had started challenging horses to tiddlywinks. Probably felt that would be a more successful venture.
Apparently it wasn’t.
Then there was the time I was asked by Richard Nixon if I wouldn’t be interested in becoming his running mate?
He was right… I wasn’t interested.
Hey… I discovered the true definition of… covfefe!
Remember the most interesting man in the world? He found me equally interesting as well—that revelation came to him during a chat we had over several cases of Dos Equis.
I confess that I was once the lead singer for the Spice Girls, but then I had this unexpected bout with puberty and had to give up singing… except for when I’m in the shower—and my wife is still trying to get me to give that up!
Oh… here’s something I bet you didn’t know… I’M BATMAN, but I can’t show you the Bat Cave. It’s in a secret location—I accidentally broke my GPS.
I’m also close friends with a guy in the witness protection program. His name is John Smith, I know this because it says that on his drivers license. It has his picture on it and everything! So it just gotta be true.
Did you know that I was once invited to The White House for dinner? It was the house on the corner just down the street. Was, because after that dinner the occupants vanished—house and all! Real paranormal stuff!
Bet you don’t know Marvin like I do? In fact, I don’t think Marvin knows that I know Marvin like I do. That’s what identity theft can do for you. I really gotta get around to returning Marvin’s mailbox key to him someday.
Okay, now here’s a real big confession. My wife, she actually thinks she’s the boss around here—Ha, ha, ha, ha—but I don’t have the heart (or the courage) to tell her that it’s really me.
Uh, maybe we better keep that little confession just between us. You never know WHO might be reading this stuff.