Yes, Tom Hanks Is My Brother

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I know, kind of blows your mind doesn’t it? But yes, Tom Hanks is my brother. Yeah… THAT Tom Hanks!

THUD!

Wow, you hit that floor like a tub of Bubba Gump Shrimp. You alright? I’d give you more smelling salts but after seeing what the ammonia and spirit of hartshorn did to your nose-hairs, I’d say your nose has had enough.

I just figured you guys already knew.

Some of my regular readers have known for some time now that Tommy and I are related—relatives are allowed to call him, Tommy—BECAUSE HE HATES BEING CALLED, TOMMY. Hee, hee, hee. Sorry, Tom.

Anyway, it seems that after stumbling across this relative obscure fact, an unscrupulous semi-regular reader of my blog decided that he, or she, had better go broadcast it to a few more people. And then they went and told a few more people, and so on, and so on until…

Well… Tommy called me and asked if I might not address the issue. I guess a little backstory is called for here, huh?

You see, Tom and I grew up in and around the San Francisco Bay Area, a place I still call home. Tom, on the other hand, has since moved to South America—choosing to live in some remote place called… Los Angeles.

Initially, we were raised in Concord, California. It’s still located in the East Bay—despite all the earthquakes.

What a pair we were… a pair of eyes, a pair of ears, a pair of arms, legs, and feet. But, after all these years, we’re still a pair. A pair of glasses, a pair of gloves, a pair of pants and shoes, but not one pair of socks between us.

Seems getting a complete pair of socks out of a washer is beyond us—and perhaps a few other people.

WikipediaWhat with having two eyes, two ears, two arms, two legs, and two feet… you might say we were a pair. In fact, Tommy and I still have a pair of everything to go with our glasses, pants, shoes, and gloves—but for some reason, we still can’t retrieve a complete pair of socks out of a washer.

Oh, I probably should mention here that although we weren’t the most popular kids in school, we were still pretty good boys—just ask the police.

Not being Tom’s immediate brother or even half-brother, but actually, his quarter brother (don’t ask, it’s an impossible math equation) nobody ever seemed to make the connection that we were somehow related—but I think that’s because my nose is more attractive than his.

Over the years, being his older (quarter) brother, I’ve managed to keep a very close eye on Tommy—the binoculars have helped.

After graduation, I decided on stable employment and pursued my childhood dream of becoming a blogger. But, for some odd reason, none of my counselors had a clue what the hell that was—they thought I was nuts!

Tommy, on the other hand, became infatuated with this mermaid and went out and bought a fixer upper. Then a series of odd jobs soon followed.

He joined the police department and became a detective’s sidekick. Became a drunken manager of an all woman’s baseball team. And then took a job as an adolescent man-child. Uh, Tommy, how does a person get a job like that? Just asking?

The Odyssey Online

Then NASA hired him as an astronaut (with very little experience) and tried to send him to the moon—which ended predictably by the way. However, an opportunity to become a puppet cowboy sheriff has provided him some regular part-time work, but that’s about it.

Obviously, these jobs have taken a toll on Tom, because he ultimately went to Seattle to get some rest. Soon afterward, he went to the air terminal to catch a flight back home, but the plane crashed into the ocean and he was stranded on an island for a few years, where he formed this unhealthy attachment with a volleyball named, Wilson—AND THEY CALLED ME NUTS?

Then, when they finally let him out of the hospital… he thought he was Walt Disney!

The whole experience left him wanting to learn how to fly again, but that resulted in his crash landing on the Hudson River!

The poor man just can’t seem to hold a job, and yet I can’t help but feel that my quarter brother somehow is in denial and looks up to me as a celebrity. Probably because of my status as a pseudo emeritus blogger par excellence, who happens to work for free at WordPress.

So folks, as a favor to me, and in spite of Tommy’s claim that he’s financially stable, won’t you please embrace him as I do, as my loyal and envious quarter brother? Apparently, it would mean a great deal to him.

I have to go now. My two assistants have arrived to help me slip on my new sleeveless jacket.

“Hi fellas, can we go outside and play today? These four padded walls feel like they’re just closing in on me? Gee, those are a couple of nice looking white jackets you fellas have on.”

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38 comments on “Yes, Tom Hanks Is My Brother

      • Thank you so much, GP. Remarkably, Tom and I are nearly the same age and have been amazingly in close proximity to one another in spite of all of our moving around here in the Bay Area. From Concord, to Oakland and even Chabot College in Hayward, right up to his graduation from Sac State. But then he went off to Cleveland (and who goes off to Cleveland, except maybe Drew Cary… and he was born there!) and it was years before we found ourselves back traveling in the same circles yet again. Life is sure funny sometimes—not to mention it’s a small world. 😀

      • A deliberate attempt by Tom to give me the slip? Or could it be that he knew that I knew, that someday the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would be in Cleveland? Just saying. 😀

    • Why Jan, whatever are you suggesting? That I don’t have a cricket for a conscience? Well I do. However, he only chirps, so I’m teaching him how to sing the song “When You Wish Upon a Star.” Whoa!!!! For some reason, I think my nose just experienced a growth spurt!

  1. Ummmm….you sure you didn’t mean Tommy Banks from high school? I mean it’s a simple mistake which everyone would understand. I think maybe you should go with the mistake line and see if those nice men will let you go outside once a month.

  2. My aunt and uncle lived in Concord CA around the time you two were growing up and they swore up and down they saw a young Tom Hanks one day. He had a red nose on…which further confirms your account. (I guess he borrowed it from you when he was clowning around?) I suppose a quarter brother is like a quarter pounder? I haven’t seen him comment on any posts here but I suppose he has always been busy figuring out what he wants to do for a living rather than all this hopping from job to job.

    • Why yes, Bruce, I know your aunt and uncle very well. Oh many was the day that the three of us would sit at the local McDonalds and watch as Tommy would parade through the streets of Concord with my borrowed nose, hoping to impress the neighbors. Of course, Tommy, seldom comments here as my high-quality writing probably intimidates him. But I’m sure He’ll find something he can do well. We just need to give him some more time.

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