This Is One Whale Of A Tale!

No doubt, many of you think you know the true story of Noah and the Ark—it was in all the papers. However, recently a survivor of the voyage—a mysterious Dutchman (found floating in a lifeboat) who has since taken up flying—has come forward and told a reporter (our only reporter) here at “The Attic” a very revealing story about Captain Noah.

Did you know—Of course, you couldn’t have as I’ve only just leaked it to “The National Enquirer”—that Noah was actually a halibut fisherman from Norway? It’s true!

Apparently, Noah was really BIG into boats—probably because he had a sweet tooth. Anyway, one day after eating a whole box of chocolates, he went out fishing in the Norwegian fjords in his canoe, the Jonah. Sadly, he and his canoe were swallowed whole by a great white whale named, Moby.

graphics factory

Hard to swallow I know, I mean who names their whale, Moby, right? But it’s gospel I swear, just not during this post—because the Pope reads this blog.

This incident gave Noah a life-long irrational fear of sharks (which, by the way, were completely exonerated of all guilt in the attack by the Gorton’s Fisherman of Gloucester), and this inevitably led Noah to repeatedly tell his wife…

“I think I’m going to need a bigger boat.”

However, Noah’s wife was having none of it and eventually grew weary of Noah’s whining about his needing a new yacht. One day she finally said to Noah, “If you want a bigger boat, go talk to the lord?”

Noah took her advice and went to the only lord he knew, one Lord Quinton Hooper Brody, First Lord of the Admiralty of Amity Island and asked him about a loan for building an ark. The Lord told Noah, “Why not go build one yourself and while you’re at it, try stocking it with a whole bunch of animals!”

Noah, a simple man not recognizing sarcasm when he heard it, immediately set about rounding up all the male and female animals of the world by two. This ridiculous business took him away from his wife and family for years at a time—400 years to be precise, give or take a year or two—and his wife was forever grateful.

But Noah—having never built an ark before—decided he needed some instruction.

This led him to the local library to get the book “Ark Building for Dummies.” However, he first had to pay a late fee on an overdue book called, “An Idiots Guide to Throwing Chum Overboard into Shark-Filled Waters while Fishing out of a Canoe.”

Copyright, Doubleday Press, 2304 B.C.

Another little known fact came out during our interview with the Dutchman. Seems Noah also created the first press gang when he enlisted his sons to assist him with the building of the ark.

At first, he and his sons got into an angry debate over what the exact dimensions of a cubit might be.

Apparently, Noah thought a cubit was the size of his middle finger because he kept holding his middle finger up throughout the entire argument? Eventually, though, he was overruled by two of his boys Ham and Yam (both named after their favorite foods) when they produced a tape measure and a ruler from under their tunics.

The ship then set sail for a three-hour tour. But the weather started getting rough (thanks to some rather torrential rains, which the national weather service failed to predict) and the ark started getting tossed, and if not for the courage of its fearless crew, Noah’s Ark would have been lost.

scary for kids

Also, according to the Dutchman, the ark (which was on its maiden voyage at the time) narrowly averted a collision with an iceberg—hence the Dutchman went overboard in a lifeboat.

After 40 days and 40 nights the ark set ground on the shore of an uncharted desert Turkish mountain named, Gilligan. Eventually, Noah renamed it Mt. Ararat—possibly out of fear of being sued for copyright infringement.

Captain Noah, eventually went on to even greater fame when he became a shipping tycoon, realizing his childhood dream of building a fleet of cruise ships. Perhaps you’ve heard of it… “NOAHwegian Cruise Lines?”

38 comments on “This Is One Whale Of A Tale!

    • Suze, I noticed your Acronym, FB, was missing the last letter. Not to worry though, I went ahead and added it for you. Wait a minute… you shared my post with the FBI!!!! I hope I don’t make THEIR Top 10 Most Wanted List. Whoops, oh I get it, you meant you were going to share my post on Facebook! WHAT A RELIEF!!! 😀

    • Scott, you’re not suggesting that the Dutchman’s story is full of holes, are you? Although, you may have a point there. I mean, ever since the Dutch told us that tall tale about a little Dutch boy plugging a hole in a dyke by simply using his finger, folks have been a little suspicious of the Dutch. Oh well, this is only the first draft, I’m sure the Professor and Mary Ann will be added on in the second addition. 😀

    • Thank you, Mike. I need to get back to posting more consistently. Seems the worlds in need of humor more than ever. On the other hand, if I become more consistent at posting there’s just a chance that the worlds need for humor may become even greater. ‘O)

    • You’re right, Allan. That rumor has been FLOATING around for a whole year, and yet it somehow still effected Noah’s building of the ark back in 2304 B.C. However, in answer to your question, the Dutchman was able to tell us that that rumor was actually started by the British. I guess they were afraid he might build the Titanic before they did.

  1. In today’s world Ham and Yam should be the headliners of a reality TV show, anchoring guest appearances by the rest of the family. I wonder how they would “measure” up to the competition? A whale of a sea-faring tale. Kudos to the Dutchman for coming forth.

    • Thank you, Bruce. It wasn’t easy getting him to talk. To get the story I had to row out off the coast of Africa in a dingy to await the arrival of the phantom. After 3 weeks, with my 6-month ration of food and water nearly gone, a white volleyball with a mysterious red palm print on it floated by. Twelve weeks later I was picked up by an oil tanker and brought home—they said that a white volleyball gave them my position. When I got home I received a phone call from the Dutchman (fancy that!) who wanted to do an interview, saying that he thought my story might be interesting. I respectfully declined and asked him if he might not want to tell me his story, instead. He also declined, but then I pulled out a bright and shinny object and began twirling it up in front of him. Naturally, he gleefully spilled the beans on Noah—who as it turns out, was just sitting in the room at the time. Fortunately, the chili bean stains came out of his tunic. And that, as they say, is how I got the story.

  2. And all this time I read multiple book about boats and cruises and even watched some television and movies when all I needed to do was wait until you uncovered the truth and related but to us as only you can. I wonder what great finds you’ll come up with next? I wonder who will confide in you with the next great tale? I wonder..:)

    • George, it used to be that when people wanted the truth to questions about the universe like: “Was Bat Boy really there to shake hands with Neal Armstrong when he first set foot on the moon?” (the answer to that is yes by the way) that they used to go to The Weekly World News. But not anymore—we at “The Attic” probably put em out of business. That’s because “The Attic” tells made up truth more entertainingly than they did. Once again proving, that when “The Attic” say’s, P.T. Barnum told the truth when he said “There’s a sucker born every minute.” you know it’s the truth—because my blog told the truth more entertainingly. So wonder no more, George, about whether The X-Files tagline was “The Truth Is Out There” it was and is out there… and WAY WAY OUT THERE here at “The Attic.” 😀

      • And don’t forget our classic back issues, George! Especially the soon to be released “Life Magazine” commemorative issue which will feature some of some our best untruth truths (that would be every issue I’ve ever done) soon to hit newsstands—right up there next to the Gary Larson 413th “The Far Side—Lab coat” commemorative compilation issue—also not to be missed. :O)

  3. You know Paul? For quite some time now I had my suspicions on the whole Noah’s Ark situation. What a relief to finally have someone of great authority to get us all on the same page. Give my regards to the Pope.

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