“Just think, two months ago I was this almost popular blogger with over 12,000 hits. Not even Elvis would have made such a claim—not that he’d ever would have wanted to either. But, I also had fifty fellow bloggers whom I followed on a regular basis—WordPress doesn’t allow for more—dictators.
And, I myself was followed by over 450 other bloggers, none of whom were stalkers—phew, what a relief! However, I will say, that even they couldn’t explain why they followed my blog. But, that’s probably not important, right?”
“So anyway, here I am lying on your couch again, admiring the ceiling tile as if it were the Sistine Chapel—minus the work of Michelangelo, of course.
“Doc? Did you hear me? Doc?”
Must have drifted off again? Does that a lot whenever I’m here. Poor mans gotta be overworked.
Wonder if he dyes his mustache and goatee to match that salt and pepper colored hair of his? And why do therapists always seem to wear small wire rimmed glasses with thick coke bottle size lenses? I’ve got it… they’re born with a pair!
“ZAT VILL DO MY BOY!” That’s Doctor Auguste (pronounced, Ahgoost). My therapist.
Me: Oh hi doc! Thought you’d dozed off again. W a i t Ah m i n u t e… you just read my mind! How’d you do that?
Dr. Auguste: I zink zat I am za von who is zuppose to be asking za questions here? Zo I ask you again, vhat brings you into za office to zee me zis time?
Me: My wife. Hey doc, you were out for a long time there?
Dr. Auguste: Vell zat explains who… vate za minute. Vhat do you mean I was out for za long time? How long is za long?
Me: I don’t know.
Dr. Auguste: Now zat I can believe.
Me: About two months.
Dr, Auguste: Oh vell that’s not so… TWO MONTHS!!! Oh for goodness zakes zat is a long time! Vee really haz to do zomezing about zee’s zessions of yours.
Me: Maybe you could try that mind reading trick on me again. You know the one where you try reaching into my subconscious mind?
Dr. Auguste: No, I zeriously doubt zat zat vill verk. You zee, you don’t haz von of zoes.
Me: Oh well. But hey, that’s still a pretty cool trick you have there, doc. How’d you do it?
Dr. Auguste: Vell I didn’t tell “Vienna’s Got Talent” how I did it, zo I zeriously doubt I’ll be telling you how I doz it, eizer. Never za less, zare must be zome reason vie your vife brought you in to zee me? Zink. Vhat reason could she have for vaunting you to zit back on za couch again?
Me: Well, all I know is, for the last two months she’s complained all I ever do is write in my blog. Oh… and read posts from my little friends.
Dr. Auguste: You haz za little friends, too? Zo you zuffer from za leprechauns halluzanations as vell? Zat vood be bad.
Me: No silly. That’s what my wife calls my blogging buddies.
Dr. Auguste: Oh zank goodness. For za minute zare, I zought maybe you really were out of za mind. Zo zen vhat happenz?
Me: Well, she said she couldn’t take it anymore and asked me to take a break from blogging.
Dr. Auguste: And zo you did, right?
Me: Yep, I even staked out a spot on our sofa where during the last two months I drank lots of beer and ate a ton of fast food. Probably expanded my waistline two full sizes!
Dr. Auguste: Yez, zomsing to be proud of for sure.
Me: You know, she’s even complained about me walking around the house in my underwear with only a robe on. My robe barely fits.
Dr. Auguste: I zee, very zexy.
Dr. August: No. But continue.
Me: Okay. Maybe it’s because I’ve tried to grow an unkempt beard. You think?
Dr. Auguste: Trying? No, yooz already zuczeeded zare. No, I’d zay zare mus be anozer reason vhy she brought you to zee me.
Me: Hey, (SNAP!) I’ve got it!
Dr. Auguste: I only hopes zits not contagious. Vhat?
Me: I think she misses my blog!
Dr August: Are you nuts? Zats just clazy! Nobody mizzes your blog! You mus trust me on zis.
Me: No, no, no she really does miss my blog. She even said so.
Dr. Auguste: She even zaid zo? I zink maybe it’s time she came in and zat on za couch as vell!
Me: But its true doc. Just last week she changed her mind about me taking a break from my blog, and went so far as to beg me to start writing in it again.
Dr. Auguste: Zat is incledable!
Me: Yes. But having not written in my blog in nearly two months I couldn’t think of a single thing to write about.
Dr. Auguste: Ah ha! Zo you are zuffering from za empty-headed zing again! I knew it!
Me: I guess so. But what can I do about it, doc?
Dr. Auguste: Vell, how za about you vite about za very virst zing zat comes into za head.
Me: Oh I’ve already tried that.
Dr. Auguste: And?
Me: And the fly just flew in one of my ears and out the other.
Dr Auguste: And zat left you wiz za buzz?
Me: Yep. But still no idea what to write about.
Dr. Auguste: Vell vee can’t haz zat now, can vee?
Me: Can we!
Dr. Auguste: No. Ozervize, vee haz you in here all za time. No, I zink you haz to start za viting process vite avay.
Me: But how doc, I haven’t a clue what to write about?
Dr. Auguste: Here, I zuggest you try taking za notes from zis zession. Go now, go, go anz vite your next post wiz my compliments!
Me: But doc…
Dr, Auguste: No, no, I inzist. Bezides, I zink za time is up for zis zession. Please check viz my zecratary, Helga. She vill give you anozer appointment… might even be by za next year! Zo, buh-bye until za next year!
Lol- This is classic YOU! Either that or Zsa Zsa Gabor logged in to your blog? And for the record my dermatologist confirmed zits are not contagious. Love this!
Vundabar! Thank you, Stephanie. I shall pass those kind words onto Dr. Auguste. No doubt he’ll be thrilled to hear his notes—I mean writing—is finally being recognized. Not that I’d ever presume to take credit for his becoming a novelist—my therapy sessions made it all possible. As for Zsa Zsa… well, I’ve got my people trying to reach Edward Snowden. We’ll get to the bottom of this blog hacking thing right away. Might even be by the end of this decade!
Well it’s a start! I feel your pain as I’ve been lacking in the same department, but mine was a time problem Paul…back to the grindstone! We can do it! On with the show! ~Elle
You’re quite right, Elle. After all, “The show must go on!” Psst… but just in case, I do think we might want to try and avoid that “break a leg” bit. 😀
The “little people” shall rise again! (and by the way I am a leprechaun!)
Now Jan, that sounds like a bit of the blarney! Are you sure you’re not indulging in a pint of ale there? 😀
So the tales of your abduction by aliens wasn’t true? Who knew?
Hey, hi there Kate! Hope you’re well. Oh those tales—tall as they might be—are all true. It’s just that, the aliens—for whatever reason—decided to return me back to earth, and for some reason they deposited me at the asylum, instead of my residence. You would think that for all their modern technology they could have at least got that part right? Oh well, at least I’m back. 😀
Little people…sigh if only, I am a generous 6 ft! I think that doc is not only from Austria but is also missing his two front teeth. Happy you are back and please give my regards to your wife ( she is right of course) Cheers Johanna
LOL thanks, Johanna. You know, that’s what she keeps saying, too! 😀
That is why you need a wife ;o) (my husband found that out too…)
Most of us come around in time. Otherwise the male part of the human race wouldn’t stand a chance. 😀
Happy to see you back, Paul! Though your couch and fast food friends (I’m assuming you made some) will probably miss you now.
Thank you, Paul. Well you know, I was kind of getting tired of being hit by all their darts anyway. Uh… oh… you meant that they’d actually miss having me around, didn’t you? Not their using me for target practice. 😀
So there you are and the mystery is finally explained. Was part of the okay to begin writing again contingent on several doc sessions that we might privy to in the coming weeks/months?…:) Maybe now that you ate and drank your way into several other size clothes you can do some fashion blogs for us also. Or maybe a retake in the whole Supersize me documentary. We are all waiting with bated breath..:)
Glad you’re back.
Thank you, George! Yeah, whenever I’m suffering from writers block she always seems to send me off to see good old doc. A fashion blog, huh? Now there’s an idea. And my wife thinks I have no sense of style. Well! I’ll show her!!! McDonalds, here I come! Meet the new plus size man of fashion. Hopefully Vogue has reinforced runways. 😀
Welcome back…from one of the little people. ☺
Thank you, Van. Glad to be back. We Gnomes have to stick together. 😀
I wondered where you went to. Glad it was nothing we little friends said. Was it?
Thanks Sheila, glad to be back. Not at all, in fact, I was doing all the talking, the doc hardly said a thing. The only time he ever talked was when he had a question? He should have been coming to me for help! 😀
2 months was it? Time flies when you’re having fun. And that is what you were doing, right? Welcome back my friend to the show that never ends, step inside, step inside…
LOL thanks Ally. It’s always fun at the docs. Well except for the electric shock treatments, those frontal lobotomy’s are brutal, and of course… the bill. But otherwise… it’s a blast! 😀
Hahahaha! A therapist for writer’s block! Brilliant! Welcome back!
Thank you, Joy. I’m so happy to be back let me tell ya. Two months off of your feet, lying on a couch constantly, hearing yourself drone on, and I ran out of things to talk about… almost. Heck… I’ve forgotten how to walk! It is still two steps in front of the other, right? 😀
Haha! Oh, the life of Riley! That’s hard to take. LOL! Yep, that’s what I hear, two steps in front of the other. Oh wait! Maybe that is one step…
Okay… oh wait! That might result in me taking One Step Beyond. :@)
Hey, Paul! Good to see you back again! I’m glad Dr. Auguste’s wise words (and session notes) have coaxed you back to WordPress. 😀
Zank you, Bunz. Az you can zee, Dr. Auguste haz made me all welz again… well almost. Now I haz zis compulsion to write wiz za clazy German axzent! But ozervise, I’m perfectly finez 😀
I ‘ave, ‘ow you say, ze sympathy. I ‘ave ze same ‘uge problem, but my doctor is ze Frenchman.
Ooh la la! 😀
Welcome back! Did you save any beer? It’s Friday morning, so definitely an appropriate time for a drink.
Hey thank you Sarah! Join me in a keg. The challenge: Trying to drink our way out. (Hiccup!) This will be my third time—that is if we succeed. 😀
I’m glad to hear I’ll have a fearless leader for this challenge.
Good to revisit, Paul. Been out of the loop myself for a schpell (a the good doctor would say).
Paul, it’s great to have you back! Glad to hear you went on a beer and fast-food diet. I think that’s what Matt Damon does when he’s preparing for a Jason Bourne movie.
Thanks Allen, it’s great to be back! Going to Mars will do that to you, though, or so they say. I’ve actually never been to Mars—although my wife swears I’m out there. But, Matt, now Matt has, and he got so gaunt looking, that he had no choice but to beef up! 😀
Hi! we have not seen you for awhile! Great to see an entertaining post!
Thank you much, Lynn. ‘o)
Great to see you back!
Zat vas very funny! I mizzed your blog Paul, great to have you back.