Is It Still Friday The 13th?

What a day I’ve been having. I’ve been diligently working on fixing a special project of mine, but not my “Clutterland” amusement park idea.

According to my wife, that projects done. Something about our house already having become “Clutterland” and that I had a lot to do with it? Funny… I don’t recall building the park yet—or even starting it!

Frankly, I think she’s gone back to sniffing glue and hallucinating again, but that’s a story for another time.

Yet, all the same I figured if my “Clutterland” amusement park idea was indeed truly finished, then I had time to explore my other big idea. That of making… a time machine. At the moment a project I’m urgently trying to fix.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re thinking, “Paul, couldn’t you have gone and invented something less ridiculous than a time machine?” I did! I created this blog and that’s only slightly less ridiculous, wouldn’t you say?

Anyway, you’ll never guess what the biggest problem is in making a time machine? Finding the time to make it. Fortunately, I own a watch and what’s a time machine without a way to tell time, right?

So with the key ingredient for making a time machine already on hand (so to speak), I found the rest of the pieces just fell into place.

I won’t bore you with the details except to say, that with only 24 hours in a day to work on a project—and my working 8 of those for people with absolutely no interest in making a time machine that left me with only 16 hours to eat, sleep, and do my business…

And my wife informed me that she didn’t want me doing my business anywhere… but in the bathroom. Well that made perfect sense.

However, building a time machine has left me precious little time for anything else—particularly overdue projects my wife expected me to do. And what’s more; I’ve been wrestling with where I might go once this time machine was finished.

My wife had a suggestion where I might go, but that meant building a heat shield for the trip.

Her suggestion was not for a real popular destination anyway… too much fire and brimstone down there. Besides, I hear the place is full of undesirables with one fellow who likes to carry a pitchfork.

So I said, “To hell with the idea!” and she said, “Precisely!” You know, I sometimes think she can be really vague?

Anyway, in preparation for this, my very first trip, I watched every time traveler movie and TV show I could get my hands on. And during this preparation I made a startling discovery.

Did you know time travelers usually set their time machines to go back to disastrous events? Well they do.

I guess the idea being; if they set the time machine if they get there before the disastrous event happens, they might alter the outcome.

If only I could do that right now.

You see, long story short; I came in and the bathroom door jammed shut, and the bathroom window is way too small for me to escape through. Now I’m trapped in here.

And my time machine isn’t working.

Every time I set the digital coordinates for yesterday or earlier, it always comes up… Friday the 13th! Don’t suppose my wife could have accidentally preset the date and removed the key?

In any event—I’m not getting out of here anytime soon—and I think there’s a real nasty possibility of my running out of toilet paper.

56 comments on “Is It Still Friday The 13th?

  1. I think there’s a solution to your dilemma: Just convince your future self to travel back in time to help you out, so that you can complete double the work. Then, you’ll be able to relax in the future. Only you won’t … because once you’re in the future, you’ll need to travel to the past to help your past out, so that the work can get completed. If you don’t, the time machine will never get completed, you’ll never be able to travel back in time to help your past self, and there will be a paradox that will destroy the space-time continuum.

    On second thought, maybe it’d be better to invent a washing machine, or something?

  2. Um, Paul, question for ya. Does your wife know that you’ve she’s said sniffing glue and hallucinating again? If not, my hush money fee is pretty reasonable. Let me know and I’ll have my people contact your people.

  3. Ah, the endless conundrum. Trying to find the time to explore time. Poor wife – one of these days her bathroom is going to disappear as you travel through time with the family potty. In that eventuality a heat shield is an absolute necessity.; )

    • We do, Jodi. However, unless I can figure out how to get this time machine of mine to run better than the Time Tunnel ever did, I fear I’ll be stuck in this odd house. Well, until my next post, anyway. 😀

  4. I think this is truly one of your best ever ideas, Paul. According to a recent PBS science show that I very nearly understood, building a working time machine requires making use of a wormhole between your bathroom and some other point in the space/time continuum, such as a dumpster behind the Dar es Salaam restaurant in Wilsonville, Oregon on the first Tuesday of last month.

    Unfortunately, the problem with wormholes is they are notoriously unstable. This is because wormholes are found in loose soil, which is notoriously crumbly. Also, the worms are very small, so getting through them is very difficult, even if you can manage to prevent them falling to pieces.

    Given all of this, your first step should clearly be to breed a race of super worms. (If you are scientifically literate, you’ll understand if I go into technical details here. I’d say you want your worms to be somewhere between the size of the graboids in Tremors and the sandworms in Dune.)

    To deal with the crumbly nature of the holes they leave behind, you’ll have to train your worms to ignore soil and instead bury their way through solid cement. Should your time machine fail to work for some bizarre reason, you will at least be able to recoup some of the costs of your worm breeding program by staging a raid on Fort Knox.

    • I vaguely remember seeing that on PBS. I think it was called “Professor Test Tube Digs Worms”. However, I never realized the dumpster behind the Dar es Salaam restaurant was a perfect candidate for a wormhole, but then I’ve only visited the place a couple hundred times, so i guess I can be forgiven. But I’ll immediately abandon my research into grubs and turn my attention towards breading graboids—because I’ve picked a few pounds lately. I thought maybe I’d let them burrow their way through wet cement, as opposed to the harder stuff as a way of getting around the more crumbly holes. I’d like to do all I can to avoid staging another raid on Fort Knox. That last one I did didn’t go too well—they actually had security there. You would have thought they kept gold or something in the place.

      • As soon as I read the bit about the raid on Fort Knox, it all fell into place. You mentioned in an earlier comment about your stay in San Quentin and your success in weaning Howard (The Switchblade) Magurkin from a life of crime by explaining to him about the singing vegetables in “Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie.”

        I didn’t like to say, but your tale seemed a little unlikely at first because I know you’re a gentle soul, Paul, and not ordinarily the kind to be sent to a prison for dangerous criminals. A daring raid on Fort Knox would certainly do it, though. I’m sorry for ever doubting the absolute truth of your story.

      • That’s okay, Bun. Apparently the prison board doubted my story too. They’ve just booked me for an extended stay. I sure hope that was for an Extended Stay America room. They’re rooms and beds are a lot more comfortable than that cot I had back in my cell.

      • If you’re going to be staying longer, I’d ask the prison board if you could have a room with a view (and ideally an unlocked first floor window that opens onto an unlit street).

      • LMAO! Yes, I’d be eternally grateful to them if they’d be kind enough to accomodate me in that way. I wouldn’t want to have to take time to tie sheets together and climb down multiple storeys to freedom. Knowing my luck, the guards would probably find me still hanging around in the morning.

  5. Haha!!! Making time for making a time machine… making sense since it needs time! LOL!!! Hmm, perhaps you need to remove “clutter island” from your home and then your wife may tell you what she did to the machine…..

  6. One of the “special” things about reading your mind is how well you transition from point A to point V to point J to point R before getting back to point B. With that in mind and little room to maneuver in your current situation, I have no doubt you will complete said time machine in record time and you can pick me up on your way Back To The Future. I think there are a few people and things there that interest both of us…:) Of course Ancient Rome would be a cool second choice as long as you keep us away from the lions.

    • You said it, George. And don’t forget those Gladiators, I’m absolutely positive those fellas work out. Besides, I haven’t quite yet got the hang of using those very heavy knives they call swords, or even how to protect ourselves with those garbage can lids that they give you. What do they call those things again?

  7. love reading ur post Paul. always brightens my day! I love time travel movies, so I can’t wait to see urs wen it gets produced. hope it doesn’t get dumped first 🙂

    BTW, Doc Brown thought of his idea for time travel while standing on his toilet, so maybe ur movements are going in the right direction

  8. I wish I could grant my clients a similar excuse – I’m never more aware of it being both Friday the 13th AND a full moon than when I’m at work.

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